So, uh... I guess that I am very, very bad at consistency. Yeah. And I'm not sure what excuse constitutes a year and a half of unannounced hiatus... except I'M BA-ACK! And the chapter idea for today was so graciously bequeathed unto me by Asho-Caro-Lynn (Who is legit one of my favorite people. Ever) R&E&R.

I was most definitely not the sort of person who read directions. All friends here, who really does? It's all pretty much self explanatory.

That is, until you're me. And you just bought some black-market-Hogwarts Weasely Wizard shit off of some second year who thinks he's "brave" enough to go there. So admittedly, I'm worse at this prank-product stuff than a twelve year old. Kids these days.

I do have something that a twelve year old does not, however. I am swift as the coursing river. With all the force of a great typhoon. All the strength of a raging fire. Mysterious as the dark side of the moon. Which is just a really, really, poetic way of saying that I slipped some of the powdered stuff I bought from a twelve year old possible drug dealer into Fred and George's drinks while they're backs were turned talking to Lee Jordan and scampered away like my butt was being chased by self aware creatures whose internal organs were made of damn magma, back to the Slytherin table across the hall.

Only when I sat down, watching with anticipation that was growing faster than a pregnant elephant that was going through an accelerated birthing process, as Fred and George took (synchronized (for Merlin's sake)) sips from their juice, did it hit me. That twelve year old didn't mention how fast acting that stuff would be.

Oh well. At least I didn't have to worry about the side effects. They all but created them themselves. There may have been a twinge of Prank-bin Hood pride in there. Now, all I had to do was sit. And wait.

It didn't take very long. In fact, the timing was absolutely perfect. Just as everyone was leaving the hall, I managed to weave through the crowds of students, that knew well enough to get out of my way, quietly at that, and stay a few people behind the twins.

"Hey, Fred?", George's voice was strained, and he was looking straight ahead, "We ate the same stuff for breakfast, yeah?"

"Think so", just let it sink in, why don't you, that you eat the exact same food too, "Though i think I may have eaten some bad beans, my stomach's hurting like it's having a bloody piss soaked hangover", and how very eloquent the Brightest Pranksters of Our Age are.

"I must have eaten the same ones, then", George replied, and I fancied I could imagine some paleness and clamminess at the back of his neck, "Because I don't exactly remember how our bloody piss soaked hangover felt, since I've blocked the memory, but it sounds apt"

Now, however, I pull the small, flattened cardboard that the pouch of powder the twelve year old sold me came in, and looked down at the directions. At least the results were effective, the kid wasn't slipping me any muggle cocaine in the halls of Hogwarts. I waved aside the few people acting as my smokescreen, and walked right between the two twins. I was most definitely, probably, not imagining the paleness. Probably because they were always pale, but I digress.

As I burst into their little bubble of tummy sickness, I was greeted most warmly, with salutations such as:

"The hell are you doing-"

"The fuck is going on-"

And interrupted their, thank Mwrlin, not synchronized swearing with a smooth monotone that I imagined would land me an infomercial job straigt out of Hogwarts, if they allowed the No Laughing charm I was using at the moment during auditions, "This product is developed, manufactured and distributed by the Weasely Wizard Wheezes", they both wheezed at that but to no avail with my all powerful infomercial voice, more powerful than Glowing Clouds that rained dead animals, "The Weasely Wizard Wheezes and all its various franchises, should any open, are not, legally, responsible for the misuse of this product by consumers. This product is to be ingested only. The Weasely Wizard Wheezes will not be held responsible for any side effects that may occur"

I looked up at them, a dramatic pause. They both waited, very badly hiding the little panic setting into their faces now, glancing at the front of the cardboard that I was covering with my hand. I continued,m a little more glee than the all powerful infomercial voice, "Vomiting, rashes in areas that most people don't want rashes, stomach aches", an obvious glance at this one, "Digestion tract blockage, excretory tract blockage, hopefully temporary hormonal imbalance, incessant need to urinate, and", I raised my own eyebrows at that, "Death"

More exploding, this time, most of it incomprehensible sputtering.

"So", I put a cheery smile on my face, "Who wants to play guess the dangerous-ass shit that the Weasely twins have somehow legally been selling in a school field trip site?"

"What the hell did you feed us-", oh Merlin, not with the unison again. Especially not sputteringly angry.

"It's all in the name, boys", I held the cardboard up, letting them see the front, "U- NO- POO. I really don't get how this shit is legal, it looks like drugs, it acts like drugs, it must smell like drugs, not that I'd know-"

"ALICE!", I looked up from the back of the box up at two very red, very identical, and very in unison faces. They're owners of which, were both going for their wands, albeit while clutching their stomachs.

There's my cue.

"YOU MAY WANT TO TRY LAXATIVES!", was the last thing that the whole of Hogwarts heard me yell before I apparated the hell out of there.

So, as always, R&E&R, Thank you so much for reading, and I will hopefully update more chapters. Within this year. Also, whoever gets the various references in there, as intended, will get a shoutout in the A/N from now on.