"Joker, we haven't seen your face around here for some time," commented Dr. Joan Leland as Batman and Joker strode into the reception of Arkham Asylum.
"Yeah, I ain't staying, Doc," chuckled Joker. "Just thought I'd drop by to wish you the compliments of the season! Sucks that you're here over Christmas…"
"Oh, I'm not," replied Dr. Leland. "Just leaving, actually. I'm off until the new year."
"How'd you swing that?" asked Joker.
"Twenty years of loyal service," retorted Dr. Leland. "Plus putting up with you people for that long earns some reward. How's Harley? And your kids?"
"Yeah, they're good," said Joker, nodding. "I'll be getting back to them shortly…"
"You'll be returned to a cell here shortly," interrupted Batman. "But we have some business to attend to first. Dr. Leland, do you have records of your employee fatalities here?"
"In the hall of records," replied Dr. Leland, pointing down a corridor. "Why?"
"Joker and I are just going to take a look at them," said Batman, dragging Joker away.
"Joan, you ready to go?" asked an attractive man, entering the foyer at that moment.
"Yep, just about, sweetie," said Dr. Leland, grabbing her purse. "Well, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you both," she said, turning to Batman and Joker.
"Wait, wait, wait – who's the stud?" asked Joker, dragging Batman to a halt.
"Oh…this is my boyfriend, Ray," said Dr. Leland. "Ray, this is the Joker and Batman. One of them has been my patient for a lotta years – I'll let you guess which one."
"Boyfriend, huh?" asked Joker, studying him. "Is it serious?"
"It is, actually," replied Dr. Leland, smiling at him.
"Yeah, not to spoil the surprise, but I'm hoping the new year will include a wedding," added Ray, beaming at Dr. Leland. "I've got a proposal planned for New Year's Eve."
"That's completely spoiled the surprise!" snapped Joker. "Jesus, don't you know how to be romantic?! Dames love spontaneity, not somebody blurting out surprises before they happen! Geez, I'm not sure you're good enough for the Doc here!"
"I'm flattered by your concern, Joker, but Ray makes me very happy," said Dr. Leland.
"Well, you lemme know if he doesn't," snapped Joker, glaring at him. "I've known the Doc a lotta years, sport, and I ain't gonna let her stay with some guy who don't treat her right."
"Um…ok," said Ray, slowly. "Uh…nice meeting you both."
"Well, it's good to see the Doc happy – she deserves it after all these trying years taking care of us," commented Joker as he watched them leave. "What about you, Bats? Got someone special to kiss under the mistletoe? Or over the champagne on New Year's Eve?"
Batman ignored the question, dragging him down the hall toward the record office. "I'll take your determined silence as a no," continued Joker. "That's a shame. What about you and Pussy? By which of course I mean Catwoman…"
"She's outta town," growled Batman.
"Ah, so that's why she's not coming to our party," said Joker, nodding. "Kinda thought it was because she'd be with you…"
"No, it isn't," snapped Batman.
"I can see I've touched a nerve," chuckled Joker. "How many more holiday seasons are you gonna spend alone and unloved before you get up the courage to tell her your true feelings?"
"Tonight's not about me – it's about you!" snapped Batman.
"Doesn't mean you couldn't use some friendly advice," replied Joker, shrugging. "You know I'm always here for you, Batsy, just like you are for me."
Batman gritted his teeth and threw open the door to a room containing row upon row of filing cabinets. Signs above the cabinets read "Accidents," "Injuries," and "Fatalities."
Batman went over to the last one, pulling open a draw to reveal hundreds of files. He picked one at random and opened it to a picture of the victim who had been murdered, rather unsurprisingly, by Joker.
"Head bashed in with a fire extinguisher while making a joke about the thick skulls of the guards," Batman read.
"Oh yeah, I remember that one!" chuckled Joker. "Good times!"
"Stabbed in the throat with a fork," continued Batman, reading another file. "And then making a pun about getting the point."
"That's a classic gag, Bats, c'mon," said Joker, nodding.
"Strangled by a curtain in the Rec Room after commenting on how the movie on TV choked you up," said Batman, picking up another file.
"Well, it did – really emotional stuff," agreed Joker.
"You want emotional stuff?" demanded Batman, throwing the file at him. "He left a wife and three young kids behind. That's what your jokes and gags do, Joker. They destroy not only the lives of the victims, but those of their family as well. You're a father now – imagine how your family would cope if you didn't come home one night."
"Well, I'd be impressed that anybody could get a jump on me, let's be honest," said Joker, shrugging. "And Harley probably would be too."
"No, she'd be hugely upset!" snapped Batman. "There's nothing funny about putting innocent people through that kinda agony! Believe me, I know! You want to see the measure of your sins? Just take a look at this wall of files. Each one is a crime that is self-contained, but whose effects have grown and spread agony to thousands and thousands of people. You've spread pain like a virus. Why don't you laugh about that?"
"Not my fault people don't have a sense of humor about these things," said Joker, shrugging again.
"You don't get it, do you?" demanded Batman. "This isn't a joke, Joker! What you've done isn't funny!"
"No, you're the one who doesn't get it," retorted Joker. "Everything's a joke, Batsy. If you really want me to see the light and reform my ways and make good on my change of heart, you're going to have to do better than the files of a few Arkham guards. They're like shooting fish in a barrel, or those little targets you shoot at the carnival that just pop back up after you hit 'em. Guards are just as replaceable, y'know."
"They're people!" shouted Batman. "With lives and families! Real, living, breathing people!"
"Well, so am I," retorted Joker. "What about my need to hurt and maim others? You can't just tell me to repress it – that's like a form of torture! It's inhumane! What about our inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?"
"Those guards had those too!" shouted Batman.
"Well, not anymore," replied Joker, shrugging. "So why keep carping about it?"
Batman glared at him. "C'mon," he muttered, grabbing his arm again and heading for the door. "There's worse to come."