Goodbye and Hello

These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home.

"Nothing endures but change." Heraclitus.

Thanks to everyone for your reviews, as always they are very much appreciated. I hope you are enjoying the story.

Chapter 11

Johnny leaned in close to Roy and spoke with a soft gentle voice that he hoped would break through the nightmare that his friend was experiencing.

"Roy, its Johnny. We need you to calm down buddy. You're okay now."

Roy continued to thrash but with less vigor.

"That's it pally. Calm down and relax. You're out of the building. I got you out and you're going to be okay. Calm down for me."

Hank just stepped back from the bed and smiled. Those two never ceased to amaze him with the strength of their friendship and feeling of family. He watched Roy go back to sleep and they all stepped out of the room. Johnny stayed by his side and Dixie settled him back into bed, checking his IV then his vital signs.

The next couple of days passed with Roy resting fairly quietly, occasional restless only to be calmed by Johnny's reassuring words. The sun was beginning to set through the window as Johnny watched television. His mind drifted to when he sat at the desk opposite of Roy listening about the paramedic program that was being planned. He smiled thinking back to how close he came to saying no. Hell, he was a rescue man and doing anything different had never occurred to him. Now he couldn't even imagine doing anything else, much less with anyone else. How many guys got to partner with their best friend?

He stood up and stretched, his lean but muscular lanky body stretching tall. He turned around and froze. "Roy?" He couldn't believe it, his eyes were open watching him. Moving up to the bed he began to think he was dreaming, Roy was awake but not responding. "Roy? Can you hear me?"

Roy tried to focus his eyes on the person in front of him but his vision was blurry. Where was he? Was he still in the apartment building? He tried to use his other senses to figure out what was going on. No smoke smell, no heat. Johnny? He tried to get his voice to work but he wasn't hearing anything come out of it. Johnny? JOHNNY!?

"Roy? Can you hear me buddy? I'm right here." Johnny reached and pushed the nurse's button. Something was wrong. Roy seemed awake but nothing was happening. He looked up to see the nurse come in.

"What's wrong Johnny?" She asked.

"Look, something's wrong," he was near panic now. Was this a repercussion of his cardiac arrest?

She tried to calm him, "Hold on okay, and let me get a doctor to check on him." She quickly left the room.

Within a few minutes Joe Early came in and stood by Roy. He checked his pupils, examined his reflexes. "Roy can you blink your eyes?"

They waited with baited breath, finally he blinked.

"Doc, what's wrong? Why can't he speak?" Johnny feared the worse for his friend.

"His exam is continuing to improve Johnny. His reflexes are intact." Joe pinched his chest and Roy frowned, in fact he groaned.

Johnny smiled a noise. "Come on Roy. I'm tired of doing all the talking, it's your turn."

Roy smiled and for the first time Johnny saw the life come back from behind those blue eyes. His mouth formed the word and he struggled to get the sound out. It was barely audible, hoarse and raspy but it was there, "Junior."

Johnny was elated. Roy was back!

That was a turning point for Roy as everyday got better from there out. A little improvement every day although Johnny noticed that he was speaking very little. Johnny stayed with him, going home for a little while each day to let Roy rest alone. His silence was unnerving to Johnny but he didn't want to push him. He wasn't sure how much was Roy still healing and how much was Roy choosing to not talk.

Every hour of everyday Johnny waited, dreading the question. He worried himself into a knot over how to tell Roy what had happened. Should he just tell him or should he wait for him to ask. It was obvious by now that Joanne was no where around and no one mentioned her. He could feel the sadness in the room, it was almost suffocating. Johnny sad for Roy and Roy just …just sad.

Every day the guys came by from the station, including many well wishers from other stations. Roy would sit quietly, nod his head and smile. But even to them he remained quiet. They didn't know what to say as by now the word was out and everyone knew what she had done. No one wanted more that his A-shift family to find the right words to ease his pain but those words evaded them. What words could take that kind of pain away?

Johnny just sat quietly with him, day after day as he recovered until the time came that he had to return to work. He had used up all of his vacation time and it was time for him to get back to the station, no matter how much he didn't want to. At this point he was now concerned about leaving Roy alone all day while he was gone. Dixie promised to keep a close eye on him and he stayed busy each day with physical therapy and rehab to regain his strength and build up his endurance again.

"Call me if you need anything tomorrow okay?" Johnny said, dreading leaving for the night.

"I'll be fine," he said with a soft smile.

"I'll come by if we get a run to the ER," Johnny was delaying the evitable.

Roy sat up in bed. "Johnny, I could never thank you enough for being here with me through all this. I know you have to get back to work. It's okay. I'll be okay," Roy said.

Johnny knew that Roy's discharge home would be coming up very soon and he was even avoiding that topic. Being discharged meant going home and going home would have a very hard meaning to Roy. He would not be able to avoid the issue anymore.

Johnny stood at the door and looked back at his friend, knowing he was hurting inside. "Okay, well bye. I'll see ya later."

"Night Junior."

Roy lay back in the bed and decided he had to make a decision. His mind had been working on it for days but he was usually too mentally and physically tired to finish a plan. First he was lost in the endless nightmare of fighting smoke, struggling to breathe and find his way out. It was Johnny who helped him find his way out when he finally heard his voice, guiding him out of the darkness that had consumed him. When he finally woke up enough to realize what had happened he remembered Johnny sitting in his room. Sleep had consumed most of his time. Even when he tried to stay up and visit with the endless stream of visitors he just wasn't able to last very long.

He tried to remember when it was that he suddenly realized that she wasn't here. Johnny took care of him and kept him company with him having no concept initially of what day it was or how many days it had been. But at some point he remembered that someone was missing. Someone that should be there beside him, comforting him, supporting him. But he had looked into Johnny's eyes one day when he realized and saw something that told him something was very wrong. So wrong that he was afraid to ask and apparently so wrong that no one would tell him.

Deep down he knew what and unfortunately he knew why. In the last few months she had drifted farther from him with every injury he experienced, even if it was a paper cut. Then when the firemen died he felt that a part of her had died. At least the part that drew her to him was gone. He kept thinking that she would regain her confidence in him. He still came home after every shift; he was there for her and the kids.

He remembered when his brain linked her not being there with her gone, with the kids being gone. He didn't even want to tell Johnny that it hurt so much his chest hurt. He though he was having a heart attack it hurt so much. He wanted to hate her for leaving him when he needed her so much but he had loved her for too long. She was a part of him and he couldn't just give up. But he had seen the look in Johnny's eyes more than once, in the eyes of Mike, Marco, Hank and even Chet. They had been deeply affected by her not being here. Did she have any idea how she had impacted all these lives with her choice?

The day finally came when Roy got to home and Johnny had dreaded this day more than anything as they would both have to come face to face with what had happened.

Johnny came in and found Roy dressed and standing by the window.

"You all ready?" He asked.

Roy remained quiet leaving Johnny feeling very unsure what to do or say.

"I can't," Roy said quietly.

Johnny's mind was spinning, "Can't what?"

Roy turned to him, eyes that were fighting back the tears, "I can't go home."