Stupid Love - Chapter Eleven
Word Count: 3189
Warnings: Jack catcalling at women, Hiccup getting embarrassed a lot, Jack being a douchebag pretty much the entire chapter (sorry), mentions of masturbation and sex, some language
Hiccup sat down on the cold cement floor of his small garage, glancing over at his car. The hood was still propped open, the lights were on, and the radio played a random rock tune. He reached up, massaging at his shoulder as he cooled off.
Just then, his phone rang. He stood up to grab it from the shelf, but stopped himself, staring down at the grease on his hands. He wiped his palms on his jeans and grabbed his phone, turning it on and propping it between his ear and his shoulder.
"Hello?" he answered, picking up a rag to try to get the rest of the grease off his hands.
"Well, hello, Hiccup," came the voice on the other line.
Hiccup sighed. Why didn't he bother to check the caller ID?
"What do you want, Jack?" he remarked. "I'm kinda busy."
"You workin' on your car?" Jack asked.
Hiccup glanced out at the parking lot.
"...What did I tell you about the stalking thing?" he questioned, walking towards the garage door.
"I'm not stalking you!" Jack defended. "I'm not even anywhere near your apartment, I swear!"
Hiccup rolled his eyes, replying,
"Uh-huh, sure."
"It's true!" Jack continued. "I'm at the Shadow Creek place. The, uhh- the outdoor mall or whatever it's called…"
Hiccup turned back to his car, picking up his phone and holding it to his other ear.
"And you called me because…?" he asked.
"There are so many chicks out here," Jack replied, "but I could really use a wingman. Preferably a sarcastic asshole of one, if you happen to know any."
"Well, the only one I know is busy working on his car to get it ready to race, so-"
"You're still not ready?"
Hiccup stepped back,
"Wha-I've been ready!" He retorted. "I'm just waitin' on you, snowflake!"
"Oh, sure, blame me," Jack told him. "You could've just asked."
"But, you-" Hiccup pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. "Agh, fine," he responded calmly. "When are you finally gonna race me, Jack?"
"Bring that POS down here and help me out for a bit, then we can race," Jack promptly replied. "Deal?"
Hiccup shook his head. There was no way he was going to participate in any more of Jack's schemes.
"Ugh, Jack, I don't-" he started, but Jack quickly spoke up to cut him off.
"Great! See you soon!"
"Wait, I-"
Before he could even truly protest, Jack hung up and Hiccup sighed in defeat.
"Aggghhhhh," he droned out, "I really hate that guy..."
Hiccup drove down the highway, turning at the stoplight into the expansive outdoor shopping center. Taking another turn past the "Shadow Creek" sign, he found the closest parking space and pulled in. Turning off the engine and stepping out, Hiccup glanced around.
Jack had said he was near the south entrance, but there were dozens of people wandering around the area. He sighed, not exactly distraught at the idea of not finding Jack.
"Well, look who's finally here!"
Hiccup closed the door to his car and turned around to find Jack jaywalking over to him.
"Took you long enough," Jack scoffed at him, shoving his hands in his pockets.
"I could have just not shown up at all," Hiccup replied unenthusiastically, promptly turning around to walk up to the sidewalk.
Jack cracked a smile and followed after him.
"Don't worry," he told Hiccup, "I'll forgive you once you help me get some phone numbers."
"I'm here to race, Jack," Hiccup grunted, shooting him a glare over his shoulder.
"Yeah, yeah, just relax a little, will you?" Jack waved him off, walking down the sidewalk a bit and then motioning Hiccup to follow. "Come on, let's go over here."
Hiccup frowned,
"You never listen to me, do you?" He remarked.
"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Jack smirked, glancing back at him over his shoulder.
"Jackass," Hiccup swore under his breath, briskly walking to catch up with him as they neared the center of the shopping mall. The pathway led to a large, circular median with a big structure standing at the very center. As Jack walked up to it, he turned around, swinging his arms around.
"See? What do you think?" He grinned, his waving arms nearly hitting someone as they passed him. "This statue thing is like traffic central! Almost everybody comes through here at least once, so it's ideal for finding the perfect target."
Hiccup shook his head, replying,
"Referring to a woman as a 'target' is your first mistake-" He paused, and then turned to Jack, saying, "No, wait, I stand corrected. Your first mistake was being born."
Hiccup laughed as Jack instantly ceased his twirling and nearly fell over. Hiccup stepped back and took a seat on the stone bench there as Jack frowned at him, asking,
"Does that mouth of yours ever say anything nice?"
Hiccup smirked, simply replying,
"Not to you, it doesn't."
Nearly an hour had ticked by and Jack was rubbing at his sore shin again. Hiccup sighed; this whole scenario was all too familiar. He slumped forward, telling Jack,
"Sitting here just so you can holler at any hot girl who walks by isn't going to do anything but solidify your image as a creeper."
Jack, unconvinced, rolled his eyes.
"Oh?" He questioned, "And you're suddenly the expert on this kind of thing?"
"No," Hiccup replied, "that's just common sense, Jack. You'd probably know that if you had any."
"Well, when was the last you had a date, Mister Know-it-all?" Jack asked condescendingly.
Hiccup glanced over at him, confused.
"Why does it matter?" He asked in return.
"Ding-ding-ding! We got a loner over here!" Jacked laughed obnoxiously.
"You're one to talk," Hiccup remarked.
"Hey, I'm on the market, man," Jack defended. "Every hour of every day, I'm on the lookout, taking every date I can get."
"Which is exactly none," Hiccup added.
"That's what you think."
"Because it's true!" Hiccup shot back. "You wouldn't be dragging me out here as your so-called 'wingman' if you were actually succeeding at any of this nonsense!"
Jack sat back on the bench.
"At least now I know why you're no help, sourpuss," he responded.
Hiccup glared back at him,
"Oh, no, no," he replied, "this isn't my fault by a long shot-"
"Aren't gay guys supposed to be, like, chick magnets or something?" Jack interjected.
Hiccup eyed him.
"What would give you that idea?"
Jack sighed,
"Maybe you're just defective..."
Hiccup's eyes narrowed and he turned to him.
"Wait, is that why you keep asking me to go around with you?" He questioned. "To attract more women? Because I'm gay?!"
"No, that'd be ridiculous," Jack scoffed. "Obviously, it doesn't even work."
Hiccup took a deep breath. Why did he keep putting up with this asshole? There really was no good answer for it.
He stood up,
"Well, not that this isn't fun-" he started, but Jack grabbed the back of his jacket.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Jack told him. "Come on, sit down. I'm just running my mouth. Ignore me."
Hiccup crossed his arms, replying,
"I've been trying to do just that since day one..."
Jack patted the seat next to him as he let go of Hiccup's jacket, pleading with him.
"Look, let's just change the subject," he offered. "Uhm, so...you're gay?"
"I'm leaving," Hiccup huffed and started to walk away.
Jack quickly got to his feet, chasing after Hiccup, trying to stop him.
"No-" he rushed up to his side, "no, no, hear me out! I'm interested in this, you know?"
Hiccup slowed down, glancing over at Jack who seemed relieved. Jack smiled, continuing,
"I mean, I don't meet a lot of guys who may or may not be attracted to me."
Hiccup rolled his eyes.
"You certainly meet a lot of women who aren't," he replied.
Jack couldn't help but smirk.
"Oh, he's got jokes now. Clever," he said. "So, what's it like? I mean, I only ever liked girls, so I have no idea at all how it could possibly feel."
Hiccup raised an eyebrow, confused by Jack's strange phrasing of that last line.
"I thought you were bi," he commented.
Jack paused, as though thinking it over. He shrugged, replying,
"Well, whatever. I haven't met a guy I wanted to screw yet. So, sue me."
Hiccup shook his head, not even pretending to understand Jack's reasoning.
"Yeah, well..." He returned to the original question. "It's not really any different."
Jack frowned.
"Wow, way to make a potentially X-rated conversation into a PG one."
"I'm sorry to disappoint you," Hiccup remarked, unenthused.
Jack leaned forward, trying to look Hiccup in the eye as he asked,
"Are you still a virgin?"
Hiccup scrunched up his nose, glaring at Jack's dumb expression.
"You have absolutely no sense of humility, do you?" He asked rhetorically.
"Hey now," Jack laughed, "you're the one with the PG-rated love life, not me."
"What?" Hiccup scoffed, stopping to give Jack an incredulous look. "Are you kidding?"
"No," Jack responded, stopping himself and turning back to face Hiccup. "Dude, you probably don't even masturbate!"
"How would you know?!" Hiccup defended.
"I...uhh, I don't," Jack replied, looking away. "But nobody can be that much of a tight-ass all the time unless they aren't letting off steam on a daily basis, ya know, like a normal person."
"Daily basis..." Hiccup trailed off, still eyeing Jack. "What, guys masturbate, like, every day?"
"Well, normal guys do!" Jack replied, turning back to him.
Hiccup glared again, asking,
"Don't you mean lonely, single guys do?"
He stepped forward, pushing Jack back a bit, adding, "And I'm just as normal as you are, Frosty!"
"Minus the regular sex thing," Jack remarked, standing his ground with a smirk.
"Except you're the worst pick-up artist ever, right?" Hiccup retorted.
Jack grin faltered and he folded his arms across his chest.
"Ouch, dude," he said begrudgingly.
Hiccup could care less about Jack's ego taking a momentary hit.
"You're the one who fuckin' started this!" He shouted at him.
Jack took a step back again, and held up a finger, commenting,
"That's your one, free F-word, Hic. Any more and you have to be bumped up to PG-13."
"PG-13?" Hiccup gritted his teeth, clearly still offended. "Seriously? I'm not some, some prepubescent kid who never has sex! You really think I couldn't-"
"Just go right up and fuck some guy for hell of it?" Jack finished for him, leaning back down to flaunt that dumbass smirk in his face. "No," he continued. "Because you're not like that."
Hiccup shoved Jack away from him, but Jack quickly recovered and continued speaking.
"But, it's okay!" He told him, "not everyone is as lucky as me!"
"You make it sound like you're not the loneliest person in the world," Hiccup huffed.
"Nope," Jack grinned, stepping up to Hiccup again as he turned away. "That title's already been taken..."
He grabbed Hiccup's shoulder.
"...by you."
Hiccup shrugged him off and walked off,
"You're such a moron," he said through his teeth.
Somehow, regardless of how much Hiccup wanted to leave, he didn't. Did he know why? Of course not. But thanks to the unknown force that was keeping him at Jack's side today, they were now wandering aimlessly around the outdoor mall, talking and munching on pizza.
"Yep," Jack said through a mouthful of food, "I'd say my best physical feature is my amazing abs."
Then he paused, and corrected,
"Or maybe my hair."
Hiccup laughed, replying,
"Well, it certainly isn't your dick."
Jack shot a playful glare his way.
"Don't be talking smack about my perfect dick, you jerk," he told him. "I get enough harsh words from you; can't you spare him?"
Hiccup grinned,
"Not a chance."
Jack crumpled the napkin that once held a slice of pizza in his hands and tossed it over his shoulder carelessly. Hiccup frowned, but continued walking along with him anyway.
"So, what about you?" Jack asked.
Hiccup glanced back at him, confused.
"...what?"
"Your most attractive feature," Jack explained.
Hiccup rolled his eyes, replying simply,
"Don't have one."
Jack snickered to himself and Hiccup stared down at the half-eaten pizza still in his hand.
"Oh, come on," Jack asked, "you haven't looked in a mirror before?"
"I try not to," Hiccup quipped, taking a small bite from his pizza before making a face. It'd gone cold already.
Jack shook his head, sighing dramatically.
"Come on now," he told him, "you'll never get yourself a date if you think like that."
"I'm not going to get a date, period," Hiccup grumbled, trying to give Jack the message to move on from this topic as he spotted a nearby trashcan to dump his trash.
"Well, not with that attitude, you won't!" Jack replied, obviously not catching Hiccup's message at all.
After Hiccup deposited the trash, Jack ran forward a bit, turning around to face him, but Hiccup was having none of his nonsense and walked around him. Jack tried again, this time walking backwards in front of him.
"Hiccup, you gotta work with what you got," Jack told him, moving with him every time he attempted to walk around.
"Now, let's see," Jack leaned in, giving him a once-over that Hiccup knew was completely unnecessary. "You have a few, distinct features going for you that'll attract the opposite sex...or gay guys, in your case."
Hiccup rolled his eyes.
"You're gonna run into something if you keep walking like that," he warned, but Jack ignored him.
"First, you have those big, green eyes," Jack said enthusiastically. "That screams exotic. Combined with the reddish-brown mop on your head, every ginger-lover in the world will wanna fuck you so hard-
"NO," Hiccup shouted, stopping him. "No, no, no, no. Just...stop. No. Stop talking."
Jack came to a halt, and Hiccup shoved his hands in his jacket pockets. If he had to listen to this anymore, he was probably going to throw up.
"Ah!" Jack jumped forward, continuing, "I almost forgot your freckles! See, depending on how far they go down…"
Hiccup swatted Jack's creeping hand before it could touch him, retorting,
"Which you won't be finding out."
Jack smirked,
"You're a fucking dalmatian, aren't you, Hiccup?"
Seeing his chance, Hiccup ducked around Jack and kept walking.
"Okay, whatever, don't answer," Jack called to him before running up to him again. "But I stand by what I said. You have just the right looks to be considered attractive."
Hiccup sighed. When was this guy going to stop talking?
"The real treat, however," Jack said, pointing a finger at his lips, "is that right there."
Hiccup glared up at him, remarking,
"Get that appendage away from my mouth before I bite it off."
"See?" Jack grinned triumphantly, "Girls-I mean, guys would love that! You're all snarky and use big words all the time! You're a fuckable, nerdy ginger! Who doesn't want a piece of that?"
"Try everyone who is currently alive on this planet," Hiccup fired back.
"Are you a necrophiliac now, too?" Jack questioned.
"Jack…" Hiccup warned.
"Alright, alright," Jack shrugged, "to each his own."
"Jack!"
"What? I'm just kidding!" he laughed. "Geez, look at your face!"
Hiccup huffed and walked faster, but, of course, Jack caught up to him again.
"Can we please change the subject now?" Hiccup asked desperately.
Jack rolled his eyes, replying,
"Only if I've made my point."
"Well, you haven't, but this conversation is ending anyway," Hiccup told him in a harsh tone.
"Oh, I don't think so," Jack grinned, glancing around. Spotting a woman sitting on one of the stone benches outside one of the stores, he shot a hand in the air and shouted,
"HEY! SEXY LADY! OVER HERE!"
Hiccup's eyes widened.
"Jack! What are you doing?!" he questioned, but Jack grabbed his wrist and dragged him over to the complete stranger.
The woman nervously looked up at the two of them, quietly responding,
"Uhh, hi? Do you...need something?"
Jack smiled, pointing over at Hiccup.
"Do you think he's hot?" he asked bluntly.
"Jack!" Hiccup shouted, shoving Jack's hand away again.
"Would you fuck this guy?" Jack continued to ask. "Be honest."
"J-jack! What are you-" Hiccup bit his lip and frantically turned back to the stranger, trying to explain, "He's not being- he's, uhh-"
The woman glanced back and forth between the two of them, as though trying to understand what was really going on, before resting her eyes on Hiccup and grinning as she replied,
"Yeah, sure. You're pretty cute."
"Wha-" Hiccup eyed her, confused. "I-"
Jack turned back to him, grinning in victory.
"See?"
"But- no, I- That's-"
Jack turned back to the woman, telling her,
"Thanks for your help. He's gay, by the way."
The woman pursed her lips into a flat line.
"Aww, shoulda known," she responded. "The cute ones always are."
Hiccup ran his hand down his face.
"What- why would-" He kept stammering as Jack started to pull him back towards the walkway they were on before this all occurred.
"I didn't-" Hiccup took a deep breath and flipped around to face Jack. "Why would you do that?" he grudgingly asked. "What even just happened?!"
Jack laughed at his reaction, replying,
"I told you, you got it! You just gotta use it!"
Hiccup groaned. This again?
"But I don't want to 'use it'!" he whined.
"Why not?" Jack asked. "Are you waiting for some Prince Charming to just ride up on his fuckin' unicorn and save you from your lifelong celibacy? Because I'm pretty sure that's not gonna happen."
"Ugh, no! It's not like that!" Hiccup folded his arms over his chest. "I just… It's not like that."
"Then what is it like?" Jack questioned.
"Well, first of all," Hiccup gritted his teeth, responding, "there's no prince. There's no one at all! Nobody will ever see me that way and that's the end of it!"
"Ohhhh," Jack smiled, "I see what's going on here."
"I'm actually pretty sure that you don't," Hiccup remarked.
"You have the whole 'no confidence' thing goin' on," Jack continued, stepping around to face Hiccup. "What happened? Get rejected by a hot guy? Is that it?"
Hiccup turned away, but Jack just moved again to look at him.
"It's okay! I wouldn't reject you, Hiccup," he teased. "And I'm probably hotter than any other guy you could find anyway."
Jack reached out a hand to touch his shoulder, but Hiccup swatted it away.
"Ugh, seriously?" Hiccup grumbled. "What is with you and always trying to touch me?"
"Well…" Jack smirked.
Hiccup put his hand up, saying,
"Actually, don't answer that."
Jack gave a fake pout, and Hiccup sighed exhaustedly.
"Can you just… can we just race now?" he asked.
"It's not even dark yet," Jack frowned.
"Are you waiting for dusk?" Hiccup joked.
"Fine, fine," Jack rolled his eyes. "Let's go."