Goodbye and Hello

These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home.

"Change your thoughts and you change your world." Normal Vincent Peale.

Chapter 16

Hank heard the Squad return from a run. He put his pen down and pushed his chair back. Sticking his head out the door he called out, "Gage, my office." Sitting back down in his chair he leaned back, the weight of command feeling very heavy these last few months.

The young man that came into the office and sat down was not the same John Gage from several months ago. He was quiet, withdrawn, and just plain miserable. Hank couldn't complain about anything work related with the medic. He did his job, got along with his co-workers and never caused any trouble. But Hank was worried about his friend. Roy had been gone for about 6 months now and things never really returned to normal. He was amazed how one man worked as the glue that held a family together.

"Cap? You wanted to see me?" Johnny asked.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing John."

He shifted in his seat, "Fine Cap. Is something wrong?"

"No John, you're doing a fine job. I'm just worried about you and how you're handling Roy being gone." He tried to study him, to figure out what was going through his mind.

"I'm working, sometimes sleeping and occasionally eat. I'm not sure what you want me to say," Johnny said defensively.

"I'm not trying to upset you. I'm just worried about you. I can only imagine how hard this has been. When did you talk to him last?"

"He's called but I've not talked to him," he lowered his head. "I'm just not ready."

Hank sat forward in his chair, "You need to talk to him John. If he's calling you then he must need to talk too."

He hadn't really thought of it that way. But it had been so long and the calls had become less frequently recently. He knew his Captain was only trying to help but he spent every day trying to put those memories farther and farther in the back of his mind. It was the only way he could make it through the day.

"Is that all Cap?" He was tired, it had been a long day.

Hank would keep trying to reach him. "My door is always open John."

He nodded and smiled at him, "Thanks Cap. I'm okay."

He left Hanks office and went into the dayroom to find Mike and Marco at the table, Chet on the couch with Henry and Dwyer at the kitchen counter working on dinner. Dwyer had been his full time partner since Roy had left and was a good medic. Johnny had no major complaints of him. But this was now just a job that he showed up for every shift. It was something to do but there was no longer any passion in what he did.

Funny thing was that Dwyer usually asked him to drive, something he always wanted to do but Roy rarely let him. Now he really didn't want to drive anymore. He didn't want to pull out boxes anymore. He didn't want too…

"Johnny?

He looked up to see that Mike was calling his name, "Yea?"

"You okay? You looked like you were a million miles away there for a minute."

"Yea, just zoned out for a minute is all." He replied with a smile.

"Well, can you set the table for me?"

"Sure," he said as he reached into the cabinets for the plates.

The water bomb was bigger than usual and hit him right in the face, "CHET!"

Marco, Mike and Dwyer looked up not saying a word. Johnny's reactions to Chet's pranks were to say the least, unpredictable these days.

"Geeze Johnny, you're getting all the dishes all wet. Do you mind?"

Johnny knew what Chet was trying to do. "Gives you something to do Chet, you can dry them," he said as he tossed Chet a bowl. Marco and Mike started laughing as Chet moved fast as lightening to catch the dish before it hit the ground. Landing with a grand thud he slid across the floor and right into Hanks feet.

"Chet, is there a problem here?" Hank said looking down.

Chet looked up, lying on his back, and smiled, "Why no Cap, it's all under control."

Hank just shook his head, "You twit, get off the floor."

Everyone just smiled, except Johnny.

Johnny walked out of the ER frustrated to no end. Between Dixie and Cap endlessly hounding him about how he 'felt' and now Brackett complaining about his lack of sleep and weight loss he had just about had it.

"Johnny, you know there was nothing else we could have done," Dwyer said as they climbed into the squad.

"I don't want to talk about it," Johnny said.

But Dwyer pressed it, just like he always did. For some reason he had to settle issues right then and there. Never giving Johnny the time he needed to come to his own conclusions. "What could we have done different?"

"Well maybe if I didn't have to ask you for every item out of the box sometimes it would go faster." Johnny knew as soon as he said it that he was wrong. It wasn't Dwyer's fault the man died from his massive heart attack. But nothing seemed to go smoothly, seamlessly like it did before. Before. Once again his heart just seemed to hurt.

It had been seven months now and he had tried. He promised Roy he would try but it wasn't working anymore. As he drove down the road, ignoring his partner, he made a final decision.

"John please don't do this," Hank said, holding his letter of resignation from the paramedic program in his hand.

"I have to Cap. I just can't do it anymore. I started out as a rescue man and that's what I want to go back to."

Hank could see that there was no changing his mind, "Okay. I'll work it out with the Chief."

"I want it to be effective immediately. No more squad runs." Johnny almost felt relief with the decision on the table. No more climbing into the squad and having that split second of thinking Roy was beside him. Every single time he went through it.

"Okay John." Hank knew this was coming and honestly he was surprised that it took this long. His knew the dark headed paramedic's heart was no longer in the program and hadn't been for a long time.

Johnny opened his door and was greeted by Maxie mewing like he hadn't been fed in a month.

"Okay, okay. I'll get you some food, calm down." He said as he tried to side step around the little fur ball who was constantly under his feet. He poured out some fresh cat food into his bowl.

"There ya go." He walked over to the message machine and pressed the play back button.

Johnny, its Roy. I really need to talk to ya Junior. Call me back today okay?

Johnny sat on the couch, exhausted and not really knowing what to do. He told Cap he hadn't called Roy back but in reality he had tried. Every time he called Joanne answered the phone. She was short and curt with him, telling him she would give Roy the message. It was his assumption that Roy never even got the messages. Today he was just too tired to play her game and he soon fell asleep on the couch.

His shifts seemed to go smoother being on the Engine, a hose jockey and a rescue man. He was back to his roots and although he still ran straight for the Squad when the tones sounded he knew it was the best thing for him to do. He remained quiet around the A-shift family, joining in from time to time but never really the jovial lighthearted soul he used to be. The rest of the guys had agreed to treat him normally but not push him about the medic or Roy issue which seemed to put him at ease a little more.

Another month passed by and Roy's name was never mentioned anymore, mostly out of respect for Johnny. Dwyer had a new full time partner named Murray. He fit right in the pigeon spot that Johnny once occupied which made Chet happy once again.

"Heya Johnny, how's it going?" Mike said in the locker room one morning.

"Good Mike, you?" Johnny was in an okay mood today.

"I'm going to have a cookout at my new place next weekend, will you come?" Mike had tried for weeks to get Johnny to get out and do something.

"I'll see if I have anything planned," Johnny said. "Thanks Mike."

"Sure thing Johnny. I hope you can come over." Mike just sighed, the same reply each time, knowing his friend wouldn't come.

Johnny moved out into the bay for roll call then into the dorm to get his chore for the day over with. He changed all the sheets first, one bed at a time. Then worked on sweeping the floor. As he pushed the broom under his own bed he knocked a little tiny box out. He froze in place for a moment, knowing what it was. He bent down to pick it up, it must have fallen out of his coat pocket last shift. Lifting the lid, praying it was still there, he saw Roy's medic pen. Taking it in his hand he sat down on his bed and looked over to Roy's.

"God Roy I almost lost it. I lost you and Jo and the kids, I can't lose this too. What am I going to do?" He whispered. "One more day. I give it one more day. If I don't change my mind today then I'm done. I just can't stand to be here anymore alone, not in this station or this town."

From the locker room Chet watched him place the pin in his shirt pocket. He would do anything to help his friend feel better but he didn't know what to do. He had even tried to call Roy himself only to be stopped mid sentence by Joanne about how Roy was too busy to come to the phone. Moving back into the dayroom he vowed to stick close to Johnny today and make sure nothing happened to him. Then he would talk to Cap.

Before chores could be finished the tones sounded, "Station 51, Engine 110, Station 86, Battalion 9, Truck 91. Structure fire ………….time out 0857.

Johnny leapt into the truck, opposite of Chet but avoided eye contact with him as he put on his turnout coat and hat. His mind was now focused on the job ahead. The tones indicated that it was something big.