Dimitri is waiting for me when I come back, even though I wish he'd just poof! and disappear until I could figure out what to do with myself.

"You should go," I tell him, remaining closed off and my voice neutral. I spent so long removing Dimitri from my life after I lost hope of him coming back. It's been only two days and I already came running back into his arms, washing away any dignity I had left.

He doesn't say anything. Just stands there and stares at me and I can see him struggling to keep up with what's going on, what he should and should not say. I don't want his apology, if he has one to give, and I certainly can't stay here much longer. After everything, he came back and destroyed it. He turned my bright future into a city of rubble, of pure desolation and destruction and it hurts. In one day, I might just lose everything I care about. All because I kissed Dimitri and betrayed Julius.

And while remaining here closed off to Dimitri, I might just lose both of them. Each and every one of them. Not just Dimitri and Julius. I'm talking about Alexis and Henry and this position and, even though I know I've already lost Wren, maybe I can explain to her what happened. How sorry I am and how much I care about all of them - especially Julius. Especially the one boy who helped me out of the coma I was going in with Dimitri gone.

Now Dimitri's back.

But suddenly I don't think I want him as much as I did five minutes ago.

"What were you thinking?" I whisper, glancing up at him through my lashes. "You kissed me when you knew. . ." My voice cracks and I turn away, face the distant wall and pray that he won't answer. Maybe he'll leave. Maybe he won't come back and I won't have to choose between what I want and what I can't have and what I feel and what I don't feel.

"You told me you didn't love him," Dimitri says, and I realize he's behind me, the brush of his hand sending shivers down my spine. I take a step forward and swivel around on my heel to face him.

"That doesn't mean you kiss me," I snap at him, wishing I could snatch it back almost immediately.

"What I told you," Dimitri says. "About leaving Tasha and coming back? I meant it. I want to come back."

"Why?" I ask him. "Did you see how happy I was and get jealous or something?" But that sounds wrong on my tongue. That isn't Dimitri. He wouldn't get jealous because of Julius and do something about it at my expense.

"I'm sorry, Rose," he says, and then he sweeps out of the room, his duster twirling around and then settling to wrap around his legs. I watch wistfully as he leaves, suddenly hating myself ten times more than I did a few seconds ago.

If I lose both of them. . .

The thought makes a knot twist in my stomach.

I wait until I hear the slam of the door as Dimitri leaves, then I make my way across the hall and start cleaning up the mess Julius made. I don't want Vivian to come home and suspect anything happened. I'll make up some excuse, like maybe Julius has a fever. I don't know how severe the darkness from Spirit is in him. If I'm too late or I can still save him.

I sweep up the ashes and clean up the shattered mirror. The room looks bare as I throw broken glass and destroyed wood into a trash bag. I hang a picture of a mountain in the summertime to cover up a fist-sized hole in the wall, and then I take off the bed sheets and throw them in the laundry hamper for the maid to get later. The curtains are destroyed beyond repair, you can barely recognize what the velvety fabric was. I tear them from the rods and stuff them into the garbage before I get to work on the bathroom.

The mirror has only a crack in it, so I ignore that, and I put the toilet back on its foundation. I mop the floors and that's when I see it. I stop dead in my tracks because there's a smear of blood on the edge of claw-foot tub. Did Julius injure himself?

I run around and clean the rest of the stuff up and then throw the trash bag into the garbage disposal, then I run back upstairs and, after checking on Henry and Alexis who are a bit shaken up but fine, despite their cousin having gone off the wall, I finally make my way to Julius' room. I tap lightly on the wood and crack open the door.

I'm greeted by smiling eyes and the most wonderful expression to have after a break-down.

I almost cry out in relief and walk to the foot of the bed, cautious to be quiet and calm. I smile at Julius and he smiles back, but I can tell he's exhausted.

"Why are you all the way over there?" he asks, barely managing to keep his eyes open. It takes some effort, and I watch as he scoots over and throws the covers back, but I don't stop him. He pats the empty space beside him and - Lord help me - I crawl in beside him and he tucks the covers around me.

I've never seen him take charge like this, but he wraps his weak arms around me and pulls into his chest, and I curl into a ball, burying my face into his chest. He smells like sweat and shampoo and some distinguished smell I can't put my finger on. He tucks my head under his chin and I feel how tense he is.

This is the closest we have ever been. I'm terrified but relieved at the same time. I know I should be worrying about his physical state and his mental health, but this new feeling, this whole new landscape where he's actually holding me and I'm not pushing away.

"I don't know what's happening to me," he whispers, his breath tickling my scalp. I look up at him and am surprised to see tears in the corners of his eyes. They don't fall, though, and I can tell he's making an effort not to cry in front of me.

It breaks my heart. To know that I know what's happening to him, that I understand the pain and torment he's undergoing, and I can't do anything about it. I can help Lissa, but only because we're bonded. But Julius, he's on his own, and I have no way of telling how long he's been dealing with Spirit.

I could explain to him. Maybe I could even introduce him to Lissa or Adrian. They could help him understand his element, help him have better control. But I don't want that kind of influence. If he can heal like Lissa can, then it's possible he will try and use his powers. And that makes the darkness grow.

I can't protect him then.

I feel Julius start to shudder and I know what's coming. I move away and this time he's leaning into me; I'm giving him support. His head rests on my chest, his hand grasping my upper arm, and I use one to play with his hair while the other caresses his cheek. I don't feel the tears, or hear him crying, but I know they're there, and after a while his breath slows and he falls back to sleep.

It's an hour later when Julius comes to. He sits up in bed and looks around before his eyes settle on me and they soften. He leans back into the pillow and lets out a long sigh. I know he's not capable of getting out of bed soon, and I consider getting him something to eat. Soup, maybe.

I start to get out of bed when I feel his hand brush my back.

"Don't go," he says in a raspy voice, like he's been screaming. Was he screaming? He wasn't screaming when I got here, but maybe before that. When it all started.

I take a moment, then nod my head, leaning back so that my back is touching is chest and my hair is tickling his face. I listen to the slow and steady breaths he takes, the soft rhythm of his heartbeat, barely beating hard enough for me to feel it, hammering away in his chest.

"You should see my room back in the mountains," he says, brushing back my hair so his lips align with my ear. "I can show you when we go back in a few days."

"Julius. . ." I start to object, but I stop. How can I act so affectionate to the one person I just hurt not too long ago? Maybe he's taunting me. Maybe he knows I was all over Dimitri and now he wants to make me feel worse.

But how can he know? No one knows except Dimitri and me. And Wren, but I don't want to think about her right now.

"Why don't you live with your parents?" I ask and immediately regret it when I feel him tense.

He sighs and slowly I feel the tension waver and disappear almost completely. But I know it's there, ready to spring back at a moment's notice.

"My parents," he says. "They're. . . They're great, really."

"But?" I ask.

"But they are so caught up in their own lives'," he explains. "It's like. . . It's never been just us in a house together. There were always parties to go to and business to attend to. It was like there just wasn't enough time in the world to get caught up in Moroi politics and gossip and they felt like they couldn't waste a second to spare their only son's feelings."

He keeps going. "It wasn't like that when I was younger," he says. "I used to go places with them. They used to enjoy it, too. Spending family time and work time together, at the same time. But I got too old, I guess, for it to be cute anymore. I still live with them, but I think I told you that I would be staying with Aunt Vivian for a while."

I nod. He breathes into my hair, his breath tickling the back of neck and sending shivers down my spine. I cover it up by pulling up the covers even further until they reach my chin.

We're silent for a while and we listen to each other breathe. It's not until Julius moves closer that he speaks.

"Did you clean it up?" he asks in the darkness of the room.

I don't understand at first what he's talking about, but then I do. He's talking about the mess he made when he was. . . I cut off the thought.

"Yeah," I say. "There wasn't too much damage. At least nothing major." I wait for his reply. It doesn't come. "I don't think Vivian will notice," I add after a minute.

Julius shifts so that he's further away from me, close but a little out of my reach. I frown but don't do anything, except turn to face him. He has already closed his eyes and I know he wants to stop talking. There's been too much pain in one day and I don't know how he's even handling it. I stay quiet and brush back a strand of hair and linger for a second when one my fingers brushes his lips. I pull back after a second too long but I see it, in the darkness. It's one of those blink-and-you'll-miss-it smiles, but it's so small I can barely see it.

It's there, though.

He smiled.

I wonder what Vivian would think if she came home to find me in Julius' bed.

I stay curled up for a while until I know that Julius has reached the last stage where he's fully and deeply asleep. I inch backward until I feel the dip in the bed and I get up quickly so he won't feel me leaving. I tiptoe to the bathroom and flick the light switch.

The mirror shows my hair is a mess, my uniform is wrinkled and crumpled and I know that if Wren or Vivian saw me coming out of this room they would get the wrong idea. I brush out the tangles in my hair and fix my shoelaces before I exit the bathroom and turn the light off.

I kiss Julius' forehead before I leave his room, shutting the door quietly behind me. I wait and listen to see if he'll wake up from the noise, but all I hear is a shift in the bed and a moan before he settles back into sleep.

I pass by the upstairs sitting area where Dimitri and I made out and I pass Alexis' room, where Henry is helping her dress up her dolls. I linger in the doorway and watch them. Henry especially, since now, after so much stress, he looks like a younger version of Mason Ashford again. I turn away before I can think more of it, but I still have one thought.

I kissed Dimitri. I stayed in Julius' bed. And now I'm thinking of Mason. It's funny, but I find no humor in it at all.

"I'm leaving, guys," I tell Henry and Alexis. Alexis hugs me but all Henry does is give me a concerned look. Is it the way I look, my appearance, or did Wren mention something to him while I was tending to Julius? I don't know, so I just give him a weak smile and leave, descending the stairs. . .

Just as Vivian and Wren walk through the front door.

I freeze on the second to last step. All I have to do is take that last step, say a few words to Vivian, and then I'm to freedom. But the way Wren is glaring at me with hatred and disgust keeps me frozen in place.

I can fight Strigoi, no problem, but teenage girls, not so much.

"Rose!" Vivian cries out, and I think, This is it. I'm done for. She knows. Wren told her everything and now I'm about to be fired and humiliated and Vivian is going to tell everyone she knows - and I mean everyone - until no Moroi will ever hire me and then I'll surely never become Lissa's guardian.

But then Vivian smiles and my worries wash away. "Thank you for watching the children while I was gone. It's terrible out there!" She pauses to observe my appearance, but seems to shrug it off. "Would you like to stay for dinner?"

I'd love to, if Wren was not shooting daggers at me and Julius was not sleeping upstairs in his impaired state of mind.

I say, "No thank you. I have some. . ." I look at Wren, who crosses her arms and narrows her eyes even further, so now they're only slits in her face. "I have some guardian business to attend to."

Oh," says Vivian, sounding genuinely disappointed - it makes me feel terrible. "Well, that's too bad. Maybe next time then."

"Maybe next time," I agree. Vivian smiles again at me before making an exit into the parlor to do whatever it is she does. Wren starts to stomp her way into the sitting room, and I know if it weren't for me blocking the staircase, she would be heading to her room. But I don't think she even wants to be in the country as me, let alone the same room, only two feet separating us.

"Wren," I call out, but she keeps walking, easily ignoring me. I sigh in frustration and stomp down the last two steps. "Fine, have it your way," I say. "I don't care if your mad at me, but if you care about Julius as much as I think you do, then for God's sake, can you make him some soup or something?"

Wren spins on her heel and faces me. "Why should I do anything for you?" she spats, her words a echoing a little too loudly.

"It's not for me," I tell her. "It's for Julius."

She narrows her eyes. "Why can't you do it?" she asks pettily and I have to clench my hands into fists to keep from walking up to her and shaking her hysterically.

"I need to leave," I explain.

"Why? So you can go slide your tongue down someone else's throat?" says Wren. "I guess you can't get much privacy with a bunch of kids in the house. Or Julius, for that matter."

Words betray me and she leaves me with a stupid pained expression on my face.

That hurt more than it should have.

I climb back up the stairs and slide into Julius' room, locking the door behind me. I see he's fast asleep in his bed, his arms splayed out on his sides and his face has a calm look, like sleep washed away all the pain and hurt from today. I don't mess with him by trying to slide back into bed, so I make my way over to an ugly green couch in the corner of the room by the window. It's green - what else? - velvet with a gold rim and claw-footed legs.

I flop down on the plushy upholstery and untie my laces, letting my combat boots drop to the floor with a clop! I curl up with one of the matching pillows and listen to Julius breathe. Right now it sounds like the most comforting thing in the world, like I'm a baby and he's the sound-machine and it lulls me to sleep within minutes.

What I am confronted with is neither what I expected, nor what I wanted.

But I don't think Adrian agrees.