Goodbye and Hello
These good fellows don't belong to me but I promise when I'm done to pick um up, dust um off and with a kiss on the cheek return them safely home.
"A happy family is but an earlier heaven." John Bowring.
This chapter is a little longer for you. I hope it answers some questions or maybe starts some new ones.....
Chapter 28
He was turned away from the door a little ready to take a nap for a when he heard someone come back in. Expecting Dixie he said, "Thanks Dix. He was driving me crazy. I thought he would never shut up."
"If I remember correctly that was your specialty TeeTonka," she said softly.
He froze. Not with the fear that he expected to feel but with the kind of anticipation a child has on Christmas morning when they see everything under the tree for the first time. He turned to see her and blinked to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. "Kanda?" She was incredible just like he remembered her from so long ago.
"Yes John," she said almost choking on her own words. She took two steps towards him not believing that after all these years he was right in front of her. Her little brother that she had picked on, tormented, teased but yes, loved.
Without saying another word he reached a hand up and she sprinted to his side in about two strides reaching her arms around him, oblivious to the IV's and equipment that surrounded him. His embrace was equal to hers and he held her tight as she cried on his shoulder.
Outside the door Dixie pulled a tissue from her jacket and wiped her own tears before heading out to the anxious friends to let them know that Kanda was correct, everything was alright.
She pulled back and wiped the tears from his face then her own.
"You let your hair grow out," he said with a half smile.
"So did you!" They both laughed.
He had so many questions to ask her that he didn't know where to start. "I'm so sorry," were the first words he could think of.
"Don't be. I understood your fears John and I didn't blame you for them." She sat down on the bed beside him and just looked at him. "I don't think you have changed a bit little brother." He was taller and more handsome but his face, eyes and dark wavy hair hadn't changed a bit. She ran her finger over the healing cut on his forehead.
"You have definitely changed big sis," he said as he looked at her. No longer the gangly, skinny, and awkward teenager he remembered she was now a beautiful woman. "There's so much I want to ask you, to tell you."
"We have time now," she said quietly. "First, tell me what happened."
Over the next little while they talked. He told her about the fire and his fall, surgery and recovery which had been complicated by his current problem.
Like a little child she whispered, "Can I see it?"
He laughed. She had always wanted to see his injuries when they were little then be grossed out about them making all kinds of eww girly faces at him. Of course being a little brother he would torment her with his wounds then tease her about how she could never be a doctor. He raised his shirt up and revealed the not very old large scar on his abdomen. She lightly ran her finger along it to see if it was real. "Eww, that's gross John." She winked at him and made him laugh again.
"Something's never change huh?" He said.
"Some things don't but a lot has changed John." He felt a little tension building as he knew she was about to tell him what happened when she left home. She sensed his concern and smiled. "I will never do anything to hurt you TeeTonka. I understood why you told me no that night I left but later when I came back to get take you with me you were already gone. I spent years trying to find you but then you always were the best at hide and seek."
He smiled. They had become so close after their mother died. Having each other was their only defense against their drunken father. He hadn't always been a bad man but when she was gone he fell apart and after a while he began to take it out on them. A part of Johnny knew it was the alcohol that made him act that way and that was why he stayed even after Kanda had run away. But after a while it only got worse and Johnny's fear deepened to the point that he was afraid for his own life.
He had hated her for leaving him to care for their father alone then afraid to ever have contact with any of them after what his father told him one night. He was drunk as usual but he became so much angrier after Kanda had left with Johnny now taking the brunt of it. Johnny would never forget what he said. Don't ever think of leaving here John because I will find you. I will hunt you down until the day I die and I will find you. Johnny never doubted that threat and because of it he had run for years until he found a place in the fire department and a new family with Roy and Joanne. When she had contacted him those old fears resurfaced and took hold of any common sense he might have about the situation. Her letter told him that their father had passed away and that he was safe. But he didn't believe it, he couldn't risk it.
Now she was here and all those fears were gone. Then his thoughts turned to his friend and what he had done. Thank goodness Roy didn't listen to him, once again.
"You're thinking of Roy aren't you?" She said as he tilted her head a little watching him.
"Yea. I can't believe he did this for me."
She nodded thoughtfully, "He came with his wife to find me. He's a good friend John but…"
He knew that look on her face and it set off an alarm in him. "Is he okay?" He was never able to explain it but she always knew when something wasn't right or someone was in trouble. Her 'gut' instinct went beyond gut and into the realm of scary. Their mother called it her gift and had picked her name to reflect it. Wakanda meant "one who possesses magical powers. To see her concern over Roy made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up straight.
Dixie went out into the waiting room and Roy saw her red eyes, "Dix is he okay?"
"They are great Roy. She was right you know. He was ready to see her."
Relief flooded his body and he sank down into a chair. His worries about what he had done now gone he took a deep breath and relaxed. Mike had already left with Chet to get him home and help him with dinner leaving Roy alone in the waiting room after Dixie left. It was now dark outside and getting late but he didn't want to interrupt their time together knowing that she would be out soon. He wanted to wait and see her one more time. To tell her thank you.
There was something about her that was soothing and peaceful. He found his thoughts turning to Joanne. They were anything but soothing and peaceful. His inner demons were wearing a hole in his stomach and growing an ulcer the size of Big Red. Something needed to be decided between them soon. Not knowing was just too hard. Mentally he had reached the point that he knew what was going to happen. He just wanted it decided on.
"He's in a lot of pain John; I can feel it from him."
He was trying to understand her and he learned a long time ago that it often took her a while to understand what she sensed. It was easier for her to answer specific questions. "Is he injured?"
"No," she shook her head and paused. "His heart is hurting." She then thought about seeing him with his wife, Joanne. That was when she had made a connection with him. One that allowed her to perceive that something was very wrong between them. She looked at Johnny, "Have they been having trouble?"
He understood now, "Yes they are struggling to save their marriage." He didn't think he could go through the last 6 months again, not even to tell her.
She could feel how distraught he was over it. "It's alright. You don't have to talk about it. I can see that their pain deeply affects you too little brother." She took his hand in hers.
"They're my family too," he said and then realized that the spot of emptiness inside him was now gone. Even being a part of the DeSoto's' had never completely filled it. He leaned his head back and felt the after effects of the adrenaline and excitement which now left him exhausted.
Seeing him struggling to hold his eyes open she slid down off the bed and pulled the covers up to him. Kissing him on the cheek she said, "Get some rest. I'll be back."
"You better," he said playfully.
He felt a nudge on his arm where he had fallen asleep with his head in his hand. Looking up he smiled to see Kanda there with a big grin on her face. She sat down beside him but creased her forehead some.
"Are you okay?" She asked with genuine concern.
He sat up and stretched out his arms some, "Yea, sorry. I must have dozed off." He looked at her closely trying to read how things went, "Well?"
She laughed at him and placed her hand on his arm, "You did a good thing Roy."
Her hand on him was distracting, more than it should have been. He stood up, breaking the contact. "Yes you did. How's he doing?"
"Sleeping now. We spent a lot of time talking about past issues, his and mine. We also talked about you."
His eyebrows went up with that, "Why about me?"
She stood up beside him. "It was only Johnny and I for the most part growing up and when he would get mad at me he would yell that he hated me and wanted a brother," she chuckled. Then her deep brown eyes got more serious "I think he found one."
Roy smiled softly at her, "I don't think you have to worry about him hating you anymore."
"Not hating but I bet he can still yell when he's mad," she said then laughed.
Roy joined her and felt the old and long held onto tension in his shoulders start to finally melt away. "Well, I better get going. I have to work tomorrow and need a descent night's sleep. I'll walk you out."
Together they worked their way to the front door in silence, a comfortable silence. He followed her to her Rover and held the door while she climbed in. There was something she wanted to tell him but since he wasn't familiar with her 'sense' she chose to remain quiet. Besides she had just met him.
"Thank you Roy. I'll be back tomorrow to meet with Dr. Brackett about the test results."
"I'll try and swing by if I'm not busy but he knows there's no promise there from me and work," he said smiling. "Drive safe Kanda."
He watched her pull out then headed to his own car. This working out for Johnny was more than he had ever dreamed about for his friend. Now the final decision would be made tomorrow when all the tests would be back in and finally some answers for Johnny. And lastly he had made some final decisions about him and Joanne.
It was late, he realized that, but he had to talk to her. Once again he found himself on his own front porch feeling awkward. He saw her peak out the front curtain wondering who was knocking so late at night. The door opened and without greeting him she stepped to the side and allowed him to come into the living room. He knew the kids would be fast asleep by now and it was a good time to sit with her.
"I hope it's not too late for me to drop by," he asked.
"No, you know me. I'll be up late." Her voice actually reflected a little bit of excitement to see him. This might be it she thought. Johnny was doing better and maybe they could move on again and try to restart their lives.
"Jo, we have to talk about us."
It didn't take a rocket scientist to hear the depression in his voice. "Sure honey." She tried to keep up the happy thoughts.
He looked up at that, honey? Somehow it pissed him off. After all they had been through little token words of affection was not what they needed right now. "Jo, I'm not leaving the department again." It was her reaction that he needed to see. It would tell him what he wanted to know. And it did.
She stiffened. "I thought…"
"Thought what Joanne?" He quipped back.
"I thought that if I came down here to help with the kids that you might…well…want to focus on us again."
"There's nothing left to focus on if you think I'm leaving my job again."
There it was. She saw the resolution in his blue eyes. He wasn't going to back down and neither was she. "I won't go back to that life."
"I know," he said but this time there was no sadness in his voice. "Are you going to stay here or go back up north?"
She stood up and moved around the living room. "Well, I have already made some plans of my own."
Now he was bordering on yelling, "Like what?"
"I closed my lease on the apartment up there and I've already found a job down here. I start next week, full time as a secretary at an insurance company. The pay is good and will help me pay for my apartment."
He shook his head, "What apartment?" He was annoyed that while he was worrying about what would happen she was already off making plans without him.
"I will get my own place," she said.
His next thought was the kids. If she wasn't going to be here that was fine with him but what did she plan for them?
"Of course my final hope was that you would change your mind but I figured we were past that point. Hey, couldn't blame me for hoping could ya?" She said with a half smile and shrug of her shoulders. Seeing no reaction from him she continued. "Deep down I knew it wouldn't happen so I started making plans."
"This goes beyond me changing my mind you know that right? I don't think I could ever truly forgive you for walking out on me when I needed you the most. Me staying at the station is just an excuse for both of us now." Now to his primary concern, "What about Jenny and Chris?"
She made a heavy sigh at his words. "This is their home, it's where they belong and I won't take that from them again but I won't give them up completely."
"I don't want you to. You are and have always been a good mother Jo."
"That's why I will get an apartment. They can stay with you on your off days and with me when you're on shift. I will stay close to be here for them." The 'and not for you' was unspoken but heard loudly by Roy.
He thought about it and couldn't find reason to argue. He never had any intentions of taking them from her. She was a wonderful mother to them and they needed her. He knew that Jenny was having separation issues with him but her mother was what she truly needed in her life and he knew that.
"Okay." He got the house and the kids. She would be close for them and a part of their lives too. And he got to keep his job. At this point he knew it was the best of both worlds. That is in a divorced world. "Does that mean we are done?"
"I don't know how anything can change at this point but I thought maybe we could just separate for now and hold off on anything official. Just in case."
In case what, was all he could think about. The only thing she would wait on was for him to leave the department. It was her ultimatum and the only thing she still seemed to hold out on. "No," he said. "I can't drag this out anymore. I just can't spend the next 6 months or year with it hanging over my head."
It wasn't what he had planned for or what he would have dreamt of by any means but divorce was the end solution for them. She was the woman he had fallen in love with, married, had children with and planned on growing old and grey. Those dreams were now gone and even though there was an empty place in his heart he knew he would somehow find a way to survive without her.
Finally he crawled into bed that night, for the first time in a very long time, with a little peace in his heart and a hope that someday that space would be filled again.