Skin

Preben looks into the mirror, staring at his reflection. He sighs. Squeezing his skin, his brows knitted together and his seemingly indestructible smile crashed. What did Sindre see in him? Once, he used to be strong, he used to be beautiful and slender. Muscles would stand out profoundly whenever he would wear a shirt and he'd reach out for something. When he laughed and you traced his stomach, you could feel how much muscle he had developed. Without shirt, you could see a perfect six pack. His legs were no different, muscular, but not scary. His smile would be enough to make girls blush; his hair was always styled…

But look at him now. The Dane feels like he switched bodies with someone else. The muscles have returned to a normal amount, his six pack is gone, legs no longer look like he has been training and his hair is dull, slumped in front of his eyes and down the sides. The usually sparkling blue eyes seem to have lost their light and his smile hasn't been seen for weeks. Red marks are littered across his once flawless skin, focussing on his arms and legs. Some of them have turned into scars, some still flaming and crusty, only appeared a few days ago.

Really, it is a mystery to Preben how his lover can enjoy the way he looks. He has lost so much weight, he knows. But he still feels fat. You can almost count his ribs, you can see his hipbones sticking out, but he is still poking the little pudgier part of his body, just above his bottom. The liveliness he's so well known for, has disappeared long ago and these days he just stays in. Sindre came to visit him last week, but Preben was so scared of the other finding out how bad he has been taking care of himself, that he feigned a headache and everything to get his boyfriend out of his house. After that, he cried himself to sleep, new bandages around his arms.

He doesn't remember when things started to go down the drain. All he knows, is that he scared. That Sindre will leave him now, finally leave him, since he doesn't look as handsome anymore. His clothes he used to wear no longer fit him. Preben is pretty sure he won't be able to lift Sindre for longer than a few minutes anymore. No more carrying the other to the bedroom, no more dragging the Norwegian around. Sindre is most likely stronger than the Dane by now. He feels so useless, like a failure. It's a miracle that he hasn't yelled at his small lover, begging the Norwegian to finally realise that he deserves so much better, that Preben is an idiot who can't do anything right and….

The sound of his bedroom door opening lets Preben freeze. His hands are still resting on his hips as he looks around, eyes widening as he sees the one person standing there who was not allowed to see this.

"Sindre…", he starts, trying to smile. But the look on the Norwegian's face shocks him. Neither of them speak, the smaller one just makes his way to the other and gently brushes his fingertips over the now small shoulders that were once so broad and offered safety. Butterfly kisses are pressed onto the scarred skin, wound after wound, scar after scar. Teardrops stain the carpet underneath their feet as Sindre moves down his lover's naked body.

"Preben…", he whispers when he reaches the Dane's stomach, sadness making his voice break. The indigo eyes are stained with the same emotion that was audible in his voice, tears threatening to spill. The Norwegian surprises the other once more by hugging him tight, arms around his neck, face buried against Preben's chest. Unlike he had expected himself to do, he doesn't panic. He just lets the Norwegian gently push him towards the bed, laying him down. The sorrow in Sindre's eyes takes him aback once more, and Preben feels so guilty for letting himself go this much. But his lover doesn't let him talk, he presses his lips to the Dane's.

The smaller one's cold hands are darting of the scarred skin again, feeling every little bump, every little piece of slightly lighter tissue.

"What happened?", he whispers, when he breaks their kiss for a moment, stilling the caressing. Preben immediately feels the cold on his naked body again and he shivers, biting his lips.

"I… I just feel like I'm not beautiful. I'm fat and stupid and you deserve so much better than me. And I know crisps and sweets and chocolate and all the junk food is no good for me and makes me fat and I just…" His voice breaks as the tears finally find their way out of his dull eyes, smearing a wet trail down his cheeks.

He is once more smothered by Sindre's kiss. The quivering lips move down to his neck, to his shoulder, onto his wrist, reaching his hand and caressing his ring finger. Tears fall onto the sheets, and Preben trembles while he fights the emotions from taking over. The Norwegian notices and sits on top of the bed, pulling his lover into his lap. It's scary how thin the Dane is; how many scars have appeared on his arms.

"Please don't hurt yourself… You're too beautiful for that, even if you don't feel that way. It's okay, I don't feel beautiful all the time either. But you tell me that I am, so now it's my turn. You are beautiful. You are funny, you cheer me up whenever I feel down, you put up with my sarcasm and you care for me. Your kisses are the best and I love it when you hug me out of nowhere. Don't ever think that you are not good enough for me, because it would probably be the other way around, if anything." Sindre takes a deep breath and gives the other a moment to let the words sink in.

"You are not fat, you have never been fat either. You were muscular and strong, able to carry me around all the way up the stairs, around the house. You're the most caring person I have ever met, you are annoyingly persistent and look where you managed to get! You have a beautiful house, a stable job, you have me, which was one hell of a ride and you're alive, breathing. I know you probably don't believe me, because it's hard to believe someone else when they say something positive about you. But I really love you and I don't want you to change. I love every little bit of you, even that annoying cheerfulness you have. You're wonderful and I wouldn't dream of leaving you, exchanging you for someone else. I want you and you alone."

By the time Sindre finishes talking, they are both shaking, clutching to each other, tears streaming down their faces.

"I'll help you through this, I promise. I'll stay with you, I'll pick you up from the ground as many times as needed, I'll kiss away your tears, I'll kiss your scars, I'll tell you you're beautiful every day, if that's what helps you. I don't want to lose you, I don't want to leave you. Please believe me when I say that I love you, please let me stay with you." His voice fails him again and he holds onto the Dane in his lap, who is still mute, looking at the smaller one with wide eyes that are overflowing with emotion.

It's not perfect. He's not rid of his depression, his insecurities. He still wants to lose weight and still doesn't deem himself worth much. But he knows that Sindre is not going to give up on him today, he knows that his lover is going to stay with him, lay in bed with him today and hold him until their tears will be dry and they are exhausted from crying. It's not nearly enough to make him love himself, but Preben realises that it's a start, and he's very grateful for it. Still trembling, he brings his tear smeared face to Sindre's and gently kisses him, pushing him down. Then, he pulls the covers over both of them and they hold each other, until the night falls, kissing, crying and caressing. It's not much, it seems so unimportant. Yet it means the world to the Dane.

Inspired by the song Skin by Sixx A.M.

~Hana