I awoke that morning as I often did, drenched in a cold sweat, gasping for breath, reaching for my throat to make sure I was still whole, feeling for the torn flesh I dreaded would one day be there, a shriek tearing from my throat. I struggled to drag air into my tight lungs, choking when I couldn't get air in quick enough; my whole body feeling stiff and sore as I sat up, cold fingers still wrapped unyieldingly around my overly sensitive throat. I was tangled in the damp sheets. I struggled to break free from their hold, the restraining feeling reminding me too much of the horrifying demon from my nightmare's iron limbs, pressing down on my tiny body, the room sharply coming back into focus. Nausea quickly took hold of my senses and I felt the overwhelming urge to be sick.
"Yuuki? Are you alright in there?" my father was at the door, knocking lighting on the other side of the wood, gentle concern lacing his usually cheerful voice. He must have heard me thrashing about and came upstairs to check on me. He waited patiently for me to answer him.
"I'm fine, Tou-san." I confirmed, lying, still trying to steady my uneven breathing, forcing cheerfulness into my voice. It wasn't very convincing. "Sorry if I woke you up." the truth was I didn't feel fine at all. That dream shook me to the core. It felt all too real, too familiar. And I didn't feel truly awake yet, still wrapped up in that monster's claws-trapped-surrounded by falling snow.
Taking in a deep, shuddering breath, I brushed my damped bangs off of my forehead and stared up at the empty ceiling, listening to his retreating footsteps, wishing to calling him back to me, to ask him for comfort. I reached up and trailed my fingers along the dark grey netting that hung from the canopy around my bed, finding its soft texture soothing and comforting. "It was just a dream." I whispered to myself, needing the reassurance that I could expect from no one else. My voice shook, not reassuring me at all. My heart was thundering inside of my chest, though, slamming against my ribs, and I was finding it hard to calm myself down. I needed to get out of this room. The walls were closing in on me and I felt like I was being suffocated, the weight of the demon's much stronger body still pressing down on me; like I was being watched by a pair of eyes I couldn't see. I could feel them, lurking; out the window, in the walls, in the closest. Everywhere.
Peaking over at the alarm clock on the bedside table, I noticed it was only a little after five in the morning. It was so incredibly early. School doesn't start for another three and a half hours! I decided I might as well get out of bed, though. There was no point in just lying here. There was no way I was going to fall back to sleep after a terrible dream like that.
Tossing off the damp, dark grey sheets, I headed out of my room and down the hall towards the bathroom that I shared with Zero. I needed a shower. A hot shower was sure to calm me down, wash away the sweat and the nightmares. I wasn't sure if Zero was in his room, since he usually stayed in the dormitory and not at our private residence with the Headmaster, but I still tried my best to be quiet. I've often wonder why Zero would choose his stuffy dorm room over his own bedroom in our house. Surly nothing compared to being home, in one's own bed. Sometimes I feel guilty about leaving Yori alone in our dorm room, but I honestly can not stand the Girl's Dormitory, for more than one reason.
As the hot water ran over me I thought about the up coming day-running over my daily routine in my head, dreading it. I wasn't much of a school fan. I never really ever have been, not even when I was younger. Book work, studying, socializing, prefect duties, none of that was me. Not really. Though I loved my friends, seeing them and spending time with them, I'd rather not be at school. I needed to face reality, other than Yori and Zero...I didn't have any other friends, not really. I didn't fit in well. The other female students resented me because of my affiliation with the Night Class students, for some reason. Well, I should say just because of my affiliation with the male Night Class students. What they didn't understand though was that if it wasn't for my prefectual duties, I'd be just like them, no where near the Night Class. The Night Class wasn't supposed to socialize with the Day Class students unless under strict watch of the prefects, and only if it was absolutely necessary. I honestly didn't have anything to do with them, not really; just at the start of their classes and at the end of their classes. Except for Kaname. Kaname...I thought about that dream again, that horrible nightmare. How many times have I had that exact same dream of Kaname saving me from that rouge vampire, that demon...and how many times did he show up to late, only to stand over my lifeless body?
Fear gripped my heart once more-causing it to race haphazardly...a crippling, choking, unbearable pain crawled out of me; a sound I didn't recognize-a sob wrenching its way out of my throat, I couldn't stop it from slipping out between my lips, shocking my ears with the level of pain it held-and I began to cry, loudly. I was thankful for the noise of the shower, blocking out the sounds of my cries. Unable to stand, I slid down the smooth tiled wall, cold against my wet, heated skin, curling up in the streaming hot water. The image of fangs buried deep in my throat was still fresh in my mind-causing my stomach to lurch. And blood, all that blood, draining from my small form, the light leaving my eyes, my tiny body falling limp in a bloodless heap to the frozen ground, pale and cold, unmoving, and dead. Snow burying me in an unmarked grave, never to be seen again. No one around to even know that I was gone. In that dream that monster ripped me apart-till I was just an unrecognizable mass of flesh, bones, shredded clothing-over and over again, as if I were an unwanted doll, a toy that someone had just thrown aside, forgotten and unwanted. And not just that. Me, never getting to meet Kaname. He meant all the world to me. It was all by chance that he was even on that snowy mountain top that night ten years ago, but he was there and he saved me all the same. I was nothing to him and he saved my life. And ever since then I have owed him everything-not that he ever asked anything of me. He was my entire world. I loved him.
He was my beginning. My very first memory.
I had come so close-so very very close-to actually dying that cold winter night. He had shown up at the very last second. I owed Kaname more than I could ever hope to repay him-even if he told me frequently that it wasn't necessary. I'd never be able to thank him enough times, even if I did thank him every single day for the rest of my life, it still wouldn't ever be enough.
I stood then, adjusting the water's temperature-it had begun to cool in my musings-and began washing my long, thick, dark brown hair. I needed to finish up my shower. I couldn't linger much longer. By now the Headmaster was probably awake, starting breakfast, or ironing out today's clothing; his usual routine. He'd be wondering what I was doing in here. I didn't need him checking on me. The familiar scent of my shampoo filled the room, calming me, comforting-the hot water relaxing my overly tense muscles, washing the night terrors away; scrubbing away harsh images of blood and fangs.
Of course I loved Kaname. How could I not? He was so kind to me, always smiling and giving me kind and gentle words, things that he seemed to only give to just me-always the perfect, proper gentleman. I didn't love him because he was handsome, though he was the most gorgeous man I knew I would ever lay my eyes on, by far. I thought of his dark brown hair, curling just slightly around his face in such a way that suited only him-always falling into his burgundy eyes-his perfect form; he had the palest skin, broad shoulders, long, toned limbs, the way his hips looked as they-I shook my head, feeling the familiar ache tingling between my thighs, not needing much to be turned on by him. Desire, want.
I wanted him.
Scrubbing my scalp a little harder than I should have, I imagined Kaname smoothing his long, slim fingers through it, as if he were here, washing my hair in place of me. He always seemed to love my hair, like it was his favorite part of me, always touching it. But it was his eyes that I truly adored most about him. They were the deepest shade of burgundy, with swirling shades of crimson red swimming in their depths, framed by dark, thick lashes-casting shadows against his lovely cheekbones. And sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I would catch him looking at me with such intensity that it shook my very soul, filling my body with smoldering fire-his eyes filled with longing. I always tried to make it seem as if I never noticed those moments, though, always quickly looking away. Any other time-when he thought I wasn't looking at him-he just stared at me as if he were alone, and hurting, eyes filled with so much sadness and pain.
"Doesn't he know I'm right here, that I see him?" no. That wasn't right. I had to quit thinking about him that way. I'd never be able to get though life, school, today, thinking that way. I needed to get over my...affliction for him. My feelings for him. My love for him. My obsession with him that was probably border lining on the unhealthy. Other people noticed it-especially Zero, and he was always quick to point it out. Always teasing me about it like it was something disgusting, something to be ashamed of. But if it was so obvious to other people did that mean that Kaname noticed it too? Did I even want him to notice? I knew, deep in my heart, that we could never be together-Kaname and I, even if he did feel the same way about me. We were from two completely different worlds. He was a vampire, after all. And I was just a human. A plain, boring, ordinary human girl. A soft, fragile, perishable, human being. I would age, wither away with the continuing of time. I would die, and he would go on, living. Probably forever, until the very end of time. He was probably just being nice to me because that was just the type of person he was, polite and kind-a good person, always nice to everyone, a perfect gentleman. That, and he had a good relationship with my father. They were good friends. At least, that's the way they seemed to be from where I was standing. Why else would Kaname have brought me to him when he had found me that night, so long ago?
I turned the water off and climbed out of the shower. The cold air hit me, harsh and unrelenting. Goosebumps rose up on my flesh immediately and I shivered from the lack of warm water, wanting nothing more then to crawl back into the gentle stream of the water's warmth, the comfort it offered-a false security. I walked over to the mirror, ignoring the siren's call. Dipping wet and completely naked, I wiped the steam off of the reflective glass with a wet palm and stared at my nude form. Sliding my slick palms across my waist, I wondered to myself if boys thought I was attractive. I had a fit body, in a way-years of training under the Headmaster saw to that-but I wasn't rail-thin. I had curves where I supposed it mattered; breasts, thighs, waist. In middle school the other girls used to make fun of my body, my breasts especially, staring and whispering to each other. Looking at myself now I realize they were all simply filled with envy. My skin was completely clear and my hair was long, full, thick, and healthy. I wasn't very tall, probably the shortest girl out of all my classmates. I wondered if Kaname found me attractive. I sometimes caught him looking at me, but that could be for any number of reasons.
After drying myself off completely and straightening my hair to perfection-the way I preferred wearing it; it had all these ridicules curls in it that I found to be so annoying-I donned my black silk robe and headed back to my bedroom too get dressed for class. My school uniform was already spread out across my bed waiting for me, and the bed was perfectly made. My father had an annoying habit of ironing my uniform for me every single morning, and then laying it out on my bed while I showered. He would also remake my bed and straighten up my room for me. Not that I minded the royal treatment, he was just really overbearing and super overprotective. I sighed, touching the rich, soft fabric, fingering a heavy silver button on the jacket, wondering why I had to wear a uniform to class anyway. It would be easier to just go in my pajamas. Cross Academy was truly such a lonely place. A gilded cage where all the rich, snobby, snotty people dumped their equally snobbish children off to be educated and babysat by teachers who really couldn't give less of a shit. They just want a big paycheck and an even bigger place in society. To be noticed by the rich, maybe even invited to high-end parties, get in good with an affluent family...Satisfied with knowing they had something to do with the melding of wealthy minds.
Just then my cell phone buzzed-breaking through the absolute silence, making me jump. I picked it up off of my bedside table, wondering who would be messaging me so early in the morning. Surely not Zero. He hardly ever messaged me, unless he needed something. Curiosity taking over, I swiped the screen to unlock it, easily seeing it was a text from my best friend, Yori.
Don't sleep in.
I rolled my eyes, tossing my phone onto the mattress. If only she knew how I hardly ever slept at all anymore. Long nights of patrol kept me busy till really late into the evening. When I finally did get back to my room it was my thoughts that kept me wide awake and unsettled. And when I finally did fall asleep, if I did fall asleep, then there were the nightmares. Before I knew it, it was time to be up again. The cycle was relentless.
Eight-thirty wasn't a bad time for class to start, not really. I always imagined we could started later, though, since everyone lives here. Day classes start at eight-thirty in the morning and end at three-thirty in the afternoon. Then Night classes start at eight o'clock at night and end at two in the morning...is that even enough sleep for me to survive? The Headmaster always told me that I was young, and people my age were up all night partying anyway. I always found that appalling, that he said things like that. Not that I had ever complained about my duties to him.
I didn't bother replying back to her. It was already after seven. It's not like I was running late. She knew where I was, home. It's not like my father would let me miss school, anyway. He'd always wake me up in time for class. And even though it also got annoying at times, I liked when Yori fussed and worried over me. It was nice knowing that she cared enough to check in on me. I didn't have a mother, or a sister. Yori almost filled that void, as my best friend.
I looked back at my uniform, lying innocently on my bed, looking not so innocent to me. All I saw were shackles. "Today will be different. I'll be different." I promised myself as I began to dress, tossing my bathrobe on the nearby chair. I wore the usual necessities-bra, panties-but though it might not seem like a big deal, I didn't tuck my shirt into my skirt-as was a requirement at the Academy, leaving the top few buttons undone to drop down into a low V, showing a good amount of cleavage. It was warm out, I didn't need the heavy uniform jacket. Not everyone wore theirs anyway, it wasn't as if not wearing mine would get me into trouble with the teachers. I tossed it aside, instead choosing a baize, fitted button-down cardigan. I topped the outfit off with knee-high black socks and my usual black lace up boots. They were the easiest to move around in. I ran around a lot as a prefect. I even did my makeup today-something I only ever really did for special occasions, I was usually too lazy to do my makeup for anything else. I applied it dark but tasteful-flattering for my pale complexion, but looking at myself in the mirror, I thought it looked beautiful. I looked more grown up, more womanly this way. It was a look I knew I'd be keeping. Eyeing my dark brown locks, though, I knew it wasn't enough. I needed change.
"Yuuki, hurry up. Before Zero eats your breakfast as well!" I heard my father call up from the kitchen.
I grabbed my school bag and headed downstairs quickly. I wasn't one to lose anything to Zero.
The Headmaster was at the stove-his usual spot in the early mornings-wearing his frilly pink apron and stirring something around in a large pot. I assumed he was starting a really early dinner for us. He usually made the strangest food. He liked experimenting in the kitchen at out expense. Zero was at his usual spot at the table, quietly eating his breakfast and sipping some coffee from a ceramic mug. He also had the morning newspaper in front of him. Zero was like an old man. He wasn't one for conversation and idle chatter.
The familiar scene made me smile.
I looked him over silently for a second before entering the kitchen completely. Where Kaname was dark, Zero was the complete opposite. Zero was so pale, his white blonde hair had an ashy tint to it and was always falling into his lavender eyes, hiding them from me. His uniform couldn't hide his muscles from me though, which I secretly appreciated-the results of long hours of tough workouts, he was always working out. He wore his uniform loosely anyway, like he didn't care about anything, about the way he looked, about what people thought of him. I wondered why Zero was so fit, like over the top fit, like if he was secretly self-absorbed.
He caught me staring at him.
"See something you like?" he glanced at me, just long enough for me to know it was me he was talking to before he looked back at his food, turning his eyes away from me, not seeming at all interested in whether or not I answered. He was mocking me, as usual.
"I see a lot of something I do not like." I shot back at him, not missing a beat. I flipped my hair over my shoulders so I wouldn't get any food in it and took my place at the table next to him. He leaned slightly away from me, wrinkling his nose slightly as if I smelled. I raised an eyebrow at him, clearly offended, but he ignored my look, focusing on his breakfast. I knew I definitely didn't smell, since I literally just took a shower.
Zero was usually distant. That wasn't anything unusual, not when it came to him. But lately he's been so cold towards me-intentionally cold, which was odd. He never went out of his way to be mean to me. What, was I not allowed to be near him now? I wanted to ask him what his problem was, why he was being such a jerk. But I was a coward. He made me feel nervous and self-conscience.
"What's all over your face?" he questioned duly, not caring for an actual answer, just meaning to embarrass me by pointing out the significant difference in my appearance. He knew I was self-conscious by nature, not liking to be the center of the conversation. However, it took all of my willpower not to reach up and actually feel around my face to see if something was actually there. I knew he was just referring to my makeup.
"I happen to look good." I said, trying my best not to let him get to me, focusing on my breakfast. It consisted of two over-easy eggs and wheat toast. This happened to actually be a personal favorite breakfast of mine, as simple as it seemed. As much as I loved food, I wasn't really much of a breakfast person. I stabbed my forked into the yoke, watching it bleed.
"When my beautiful daughter came into this world she instantly became the most gorgeous girl on this entire earth! On any Earth! In the entire universe! My Yuuki could be a super model with her looks! Zero is just jealous he doesn't compare!" the Headmaster cried out passionately, throwing his arms out wide and spinning around in a circle. "Ah!" he exclaimed, fishing around his large apron pocket till he pulled out his trademark camera. He held it up to his face, pushing his glasses up in the process. "I should take a photo to commemorate this day!" He was exaggerating, of course. Since I was adopted and didn't come to live here until I was around eight years old, there was no way the Headmaster knew what I looked like as a baby. I didn't even know, obviously. There weren't even any pictures...
The flash blinded me.
"You look like a prostitute." Zero droned on, glaring at the Headmaster for blinding him with his camera, sipping his coffee, not ready to give up just yet, needing to have the last word. I reached out and touched the back of his hand, wanting him to look at me, wanting to know what was putting him in such a bad mood today. He was usually distant, but he didn't usually go out of his way to hurt my feelings. Something had to be bothering him. He looked down at me-right into my eyes-and then our hands, before moving away from my touch.
The topic needed to be changed. I didn't want to fight with Zero. I wanted us to get along better. "Are you busy later, Zero?" I asked, hopeful-the intimate moment forgotten immediately. "I wanted to go do some shopping after classes and was wondering if maybe you'd want to go..." I already knew he'd say no. I could just feel it as I kept talking. It was the look in his eyes as he stared at me. My confidence faltered and I couldn't even finish asking him. Though something told me even if I did finish asking him it wouldn't have made much of a difference. I don't even know why I bothered trying.
"Go yourself." he said, coldly, rising from the table, ending the discussion all together. I watched him leaving, feeling the empty space in my chest grow with every step he took-almost as if my heart were breaking. I listened to his retreating footsteps until I heard him close the front door behind him. Why is he so cruel to me? The thing was I really did like Zero, a lot. Not romantically of course, but I wanted to be close to him. I wanted us to be friends. Close friends. I only had the Headmaster as my family. I honestly considered Zero like the brother I never had, or at least, I wanted to. I wanted to spend time with him, to be close to him, to get to know him better, like real siblings do. I wanted him to trust me the way that I trusted him, to tell me the things that he couldn't tell anyone else-his secrets, like what he was thinking about in those deep spans of silence and what he's afraid of, his dreams and ambitions and goals. But Zero avoids me like I have the plaque, like he wants absolutely nothing to do with me.
"Don't let Zero bother you, Yuuki." The Headmaster said gently, trying to reassure me. "You know how he gets sometimes. It's just his age group. Boys, you know how they are!" he waved it off with his hand like it was a known, tedious fact. "Always so cranky! They don't want anything to do with their families. Always wanting their own space. Probably from puberty!" he laughed loudly. "Maybe you could try asking Yori to go out with you later?" my father tried, smiling brightly at me. "I'm sure she'd be glad to go into town with you. Or if you'd like, I could even go with you! It's been awhile since we've spent special time together outside of the house and school. What do you think, just the two of us? Wouldn't that be fun? Yuuki?" he smiled over at me, patiently waiting for a response.
"Yeah." I stood up and began to clear the dishes from the table, mechanically, not even really hearing him. "Maybe." I knew he was just trying to make me feel better, even though going anywhere with him sounded terrible, he was loud and such an embarrassment all the time. In all the world, I don't think I'd ever meet a sweeter man than my father. Truly, I wasn't even his blood born daughter and he treated me like I was Heaven and Earth, the moon and all the stars, a princess. His princess. Sometimes I wondered why I was so unhappy. Why did I even give a damn about what happened in my past? I have such a wonderful now. Looking at my life, with my father giving me such a warm smile-who cares what happened then? I should be more grateful, more accepting.
"I'm heading out." I called from the door, even though class was the last place I wanted to go, especially now. I was feeling really low, being told off like that by Zero. He had made me feel unwanted. I checked my mirror next to the coat rack one last time to make sure my hair and makeup were all in order.
I craved companionship. More than what was probably considered to be normal. It burned inside of me, the desire, the need for it scratching at the edges of my mind. Every minute of every single day that I spent by myself was spent in absolute misery. I hated being alone, I couldn't stand it, left with nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company. Sometimes I felt as if I were drowning, my own thoughts consuming me-the loneliness, driving me towards madness. Maybe it's just a flaw I have, personally. Or maybe it's just human nature, wanting to socialize. Maybe everybody feels exactly the same way as I do. Or maybe I just like to tell myself that to make myself feel better, as people so often do. People say they like to stand out in the crowd, that they don't like going with the flow. They like being their own person, they like having their own identity. They want to stand out and be original. But that's a bunch of bullshit. People want to fit in. People want to belong. They need to. No one likes to stand out. And no one likes being different from everybody else around them. Anyone who stands out is considered a freak, an outsider. Sure, I have a great best friend. And she really is wonderful. She tries her best to spend time with me whenever she can, to give me proper attention. I really do love her with all my heart. But is it so wrong to want too surround myself with...company, to want more? I want so much more, I've always wanted so much more. I feel like there's a hole inside of me. A big, black empty space. And it craves attention, friends, and people to talk too. And not just Yori, and my father, and not even Zero. Hell, maybe I should just buy myself a dog. But I really hate dogs.