I didn't know what drove me here, not at first, at least. It wasn't like me to do drastic such things, especially not to myself. I wasn't one for standing out, being dramatic, drawing unnecessary attention to myself. But I had been thinking about doing it for awhile now, and after what had happened today I decided that this was exactly what I needed to do to get my mind off of the bad things. Hasn't change always been considered a good thing?

My knuckles ached and stung, the skin burning whenever I tried to make a fist or flexed my fingers to far; a harsh reminder of my earlier actions. The skin was blue from bruising and splotched with drying blood. The wound was still slowly oozing, I didn't have any bandages to bind it up with.

I hardly ever went into town on my own. I would never admit it out loud, but I was afraid, afraid to be alone. Usually Yori went with me, or sometimes even Zero would, when I could convince him to. I didn't like to be alone. Not since that incident ten years ago. When I was alone I felt like there were eyes on me, watching me, eyes that I couldn't see, but could feel on me-following me wherever I went. I could feel breath on the back of my neck, breathing in my ear, hear heavy footsteps-crunching in the frozen snow, snow that had melted so long ago, soaked with the blood of the monster that thought to take my life that night. The image of that rouge vampire lying dead at my feet in a pool of it's own blood surrounded in snow with it's throat torn out, Kaname looming over it, his hands dripping with it's blood-flashed across my mind, making me shiver. I knew that that rouge vampire was long dead, but I never felt safe when I was alone, especially in town, surrounded by strangers. But today, I wanted to be far away from everyone. I just wanted to be alone.

"Are you sure though? It's such a beautiful shade already. It'd feel like a crime to dye it." there was a hairstylist standing directly behind me, gazing at my hair through the mirror's reflection, fussing over it. She was dressed all in black and wore her unnaturally bright red hair pulled back into a tight bun on the top of her head, causing her eyes to slant slightly. It looked painful.

I was nervous, extremely so. But I knew that if I kept thinking about it, about what it was that I was about to do, I'd end up losing my nerve, changing my mind and heading straight home. I knew in my heart that this was what I wanted to do. I had promised myself this morning that things were going to change. I was going to see that promise through to the end.

I was sitting in a hydraulics chair in a local beauty salon. The black salon cape around my throat was extremely itchy and choking the life out of me. I had always heard good things about this particular salon from the waitresses at my favorite ice cream shoppe, so it was the one I choose. It wasn't a very busy place, but it was clean and bright, and everyone seemed upbeat and friendly.

I've never once changed my hair color in all my life. I barely ever cut it, keeping it comfortably at my waist.

I took a really long look in the mirror, turning my head this way and that, catching myself at different angles, wondering what she liked so much about it. It didn't seem so special. It was just hair to me. "It's brown." I stated, matter-of-factly. "Lots of people have brown hair, like, a whole lot. It's not so special."

"I've never seen a more beautiful shade of brown though!" the stylist fussed, running her fingers though the long strands, curling her fingers in the ends, gushing over it. "Look at the reds! And these highlights! I bet it just catches on fire in the sun!" she exclaimed, like she was about to burst.

I pictured stepping out of the house in the morning-heading to school like any other old day-the moment my body hits the sun my head bursts into flames, I couldn't help myself. I shivered, cringing at the thought. "That's morbid." I shook the mental image away.

"Oh it's an expression!" she ran her fingers through it again, as if it were a rare element or fine, expensive silk, as if she would never get another opportunity to touch it again if she didn't do it now, and keep doing it. Which she probably really wouldn't, depending on the outcome of my hair and whether or not I liked it.

"I'm gonna have to ask you to loosen this cape." I said, slightly apologetically, tugging at it. I didn't like complaining but I wasn't comfortable. "I have a thing with my neck...and stuff touching it." I shivered, not wanting to think about my weird- and probably-strange affliction, but the vampire from my reoccurring nightmares still flashed behind my eyes, taunting me even in my waking hours, ripping into my neck and draining my life out of my body. She looked at me skeptically but loosened it all the same.

Kaname loves my hair. When I was a little girl he had said something about not ever cutting it, just for his sake. I would still trim it every now and then-ridding myself of the dead ends, but I always kept it long, just for him, like he had asked of me. He never asked me for anything since then. "Black." I said, flatly. He's always finding a reason to touch it. Whenever we're face to face, his fingers always end up caressing my hair first, softly running through from root to tip at least once.

"What? I'm sorry?"

"Dye it black." I repeated. "As dark as you possibly can." he loves my hair. Kaname has always loved my hair. I wonder if it would disappoint him, if I changed the color. I wondered if he would stop touching it. "Oh, and cut some layers in there too. God, I look like I'm still twelve. And if I cry, just ignore it. I'm just about to kill my childhood dreams, is all." she looked at me like I was crazy, but went along with it all the same. I probably sounded crazy too, telling her I'd probably end up crying like a child while she destroyed my shining brown hair. She wouldn't understand though, and I wasn't about to tell her why.

And as the dye washed down the drain, so did my pathetic affection for the one man I wanted more than any one else in the entire world, but knew I could never have.