No More Farewells - Chapter 9

The newly engaged couple walked across the bridge over the Seine with arms wrapped around each other and followed the river for several blocks before finding a café-bar that was open late. Though the night was clear, the winter wind bit through their coats and Buffy, who wasn't dressed for exploring the city by foot, had called for a quick stop to warm up. The café was small, intimate, and inviting, and the only other customers in the place was an elderly couple sitting near the opposite wall, completely wrapped up in their conversation. After Buffy and Giles took a seat on the banquette at a table along the far side of the room, a waiter took their order and brought them two café noisettes before leaving them in peace.

"It's a perfect fit," Buffy noted as she gazed at the ring on her finger.

Taking her hand in his and running his thumb over the ring on her finger he said, "I had hoped. It was a guess, albeit an educated one."

"I can't believe you planned this," Buffy said incredulously, dropping his hand as she took a closer inspection of the ring. "I mean… considering how things have been."

"I didn't plan it exactly," he answered before taking a sip of his coffee.

"So you just walked into a jewelry store, picked out a ring you liked and carried it around in your pocket because it's a thing to do?" She suddenly had an uncomfortable thought and slipped the ring from her finger. "Or did this belong to Karina and you just happened to have it on you?"

"No, no. It's not Karina's, I assure you. Her mother has her rings," Giles answered, suddenly not quite so at ease as he shifted to look at her. "And I didn't just happen by a jewelry shop and decide to buy an engagement ring." His voice had taken on a slight defensive tone.

"No, I guess you wouldn't have done either. But given your attitude on marriage, I have to say I am a bit surprised you asked me to marry you."

Giles took a deep breath. "I said some awful things that morning, Buffy, none of which reflect how I view marriage should be," he admitted as he shifted his gaze to the elderly couple who just received a huge ice cream confection to share. "It's just… complicated."

Placing the ring down on the table, Buffy fidgeted uncomfortably and turned her attention out the window to watch another waiter as he set the chairs on top of the tables on the terrace.

Giles looked down at the ring and swallowed. "We need to talk about this if we are going to make this work, Buffy," he said softly.

"I know," she replied thickly, returning her attention back to him. "It's just it's all kind of painful still."

"I feel it just as keenly, I assure you. But you have to know, the fortnight you spent with me was perhaps the most content I'd been my entire life. Being together felt very natural and I didn't want you to leave."

"And yet…"

"And yet…" he took a deep breath and trained his eyes on hers, hoping he could vocalize all the confusion, all the pain, all the emotional turmoil, but sighed and looked away instead. "I don't want to make excuses, Buffy."

"Then don't," she stated a little harsher than she'd intended.

Giles nodded and eyed his espresso, wishing it was something stronger while he attempted to explain his actions. "After Karina was killed and I made my escape, I buried the newly realized feelings I had for you since there just wasn't any time to analyze them. With the new crisis, we didn't have the luxury to really talk or find our way and work together, which caused us to fall out of sync again, unable to see eye to eye on how to handle the threat of the First, much less work through domestic and family issues. Despite neither of us seeming to trust the other, we managed to defeat the First, and, that night after you healed me, I woke to find you in my bed. We found comfort in each other, fought yet again, found an understanding, and I left in the morning. We never talked about it, and I filed it away as nothing more than an affirmation of being alive because neither of us had dared think we would survive that apocalypse."

"No… I certainly didn't," Buffy replied, looking over at the elegant old lady across the room. She and her husband were a handsome couple, dressed for an evening out at the opera or perhaps the ballet, and she watched as the man gave his wife a spoon and indulgently looked on as she dug it into the large glass before them, surprising him as she offered him the first taste.

Giles' followed her gaze to the elderly figures across the room. They reminded him of his grandparents, married sixty-five years and inseparable until death. His eyes immediately fell on the neglected ring on the table and he picked it up and placed it in the pocket of his waistcoat for safe keeping.

When she looked back at him, Buffy noticed the pensive look on his face as he pocketed the ring. Maybe this wasn't going to work out after all. Giving him a tight smile, she announced, "I could totally do some damage to a Napoleon right now."

She was stalling. Which was fine. He needed a few moments to think. It wasn't as though he hadn't tried apologizing and explaining his actions before. She just hadn't been ready to deal with their issues, instead choosing to move forward, the hurt having been too great to overcome. He knew he would need to be sincere and tread lightly. He signaled for the waiter and she ordered the confection.

Noting the impressed look on his face at her near perfect pronunciation of mille-feuille, Buffy explained with amusement, "After four years of struggling through high school French, I can't hold or follow a conversation, but I sure can order food like a Parisian."

"We remember the important things," he supplied supportively. "I can ask where the toilets are in twenty languages. Fat lot of good it does me in Sumerian."

Buffy laughed at his dry delivery and leaned into him and Giles took another sip of his espresso, quite pleased with result of his effort. The waiter brought the confection back to their table with two forks and Buffy tucked into it with vigor.

"You're like bloody Wellington dismantling that Napoleon," Giles observed in mock horror.

"That's a good thing, right?"

"I'm impressed."

She looked up at him with a pleased grin. "Told ya I was hungry. I really hadn't eaten anything since lunch time, except a few hors d'oeuvres at the reception."

"Had I known, we could've found a restaurant."

"But dessert is so much better. Want a bite? It's like eating a sweet cloud."

Buffy held up her fork in offering and he couldn't resist, closing his eyes in delight as the pastry and cream hit his tongue.

"That is sublime."

"The French know their pastry, that's for sure. I should've moved headquarters to Paris," she mused.

"No." Giles glanced down at her, his mood turned serious. "I'm glad you are in London."

"Me too." Her eyes met his and she laid her head on his shoulder. "Are we ever going to get past this, Giles?" she asked sadly, pushing the empty plate towards the center of the table.

"God, Buffy," he said thickly. "I dearly hope so."

"So why, after I told you that I loved you, would you push me away? Even if you didn't feel that same, that was cruel."

"I know, I am sorry. I wasn't thinking," he answered, shaking his head in disgust with himself before pausing a moment to collect his thoughts. "When I came home to find you asleep on my sofa last winter, I certainly wasn't expecting to fall into bed with you again, especially not after how awkward dinner was…" He trailed off and dragged a hand through his greying hair. "We found passion and comfort again in each other, only to have the morning after shadowed by your natural curiosity and my late wife's ghost - figuratively speaking." They shared an understanding look at his clarification, knowing that the Hellmouth would haunt them still for some time to come.

"It was clear then that something that was supposed to be uncomplicated was in danger of becoming more, and I clearly wasn't ready for that. Feelings I had suppressed started rushing to the forefront and I was relieved when you called a halt to that side of our relationship. However, even though we weren't… intimate, we were growing closer and I found myself falling in love with you-"

"But you'd said you were already in love with me," Buffy interrupted.

"Yes, but you see, upon Karina's death it had simply been a realization, I'd never experienced the sensation of falling in love with you. Suddenly, we were spending all our time together and I held you in my arms every night. We cooked together, did other chores, and spent quiet moments quite content in each other's company when we weren't having discussions about any and all subjects… I can't quite explain it, only that I could feel myself falling further every day and that it felt so very right…" He blew out a breath and ran his hand over his neck. "But there was a part of me that knew it was still very wrong, because it brought forth all the guilt surrounding my marriage and Karina's death."

"I get that," Buffy sympathized, placing a hand on top of his in support. "I tried dating my senior year after sending Angel to hell, but there was too much guilt and baggage. I needed more time to mourn. Then he came back and the guilt was worse."

Giving her hand a squeeze, he answered, "I never meant to trivialize your experiences, Buffy, before… when we had that nasty row."

"I know, sometimes we can't see past our own hurts. Lord knows, I am guilty of that."

He nodded his acknowledgment before he continued. "After you died my life was in an upheaval and I didn't know where I belonged. I was so lost without you and when you came back, I was still lost and I could do nothing to ease your burden, so I returned to London thinking it was the only way to help you and eventually find my footing again. Karina helped navigate me through those rough patches and gave me a sense of belonging. But deep within, I felt it wasn't going to work. When she died and I could only think of you, I knew it never would have. I felt horrible and that I owed her. She'd done so much for me. It was a heavy burden to bear, that guilt, but I couldn't share it."

"Giles-"

He stopped her with a slight shake of his head. "Please know that I am so sorry for all the hurt I put you through whilst I was punishing myself. I know I can never say it enough-"

The elderly couple rose from their seats as they got ready to leave, drawing Buffy and Giles' attention away from their conversation again. The gentleman helped his wife with her coat and once she was ready, he pulled on his overcoat and adjusted his scarf to help ward off the cold winter wind. He stood very tall, his posture perfect despite being in his early eighties. They called out their goodbyes to the staff, clearly regulars of the establishment, and the man placed a steadying hand on his wife's elbow as he followed her out the door before taking her arm in his and heading off down the street.

Buffy sighed longingly watching them go. Upon taking on her role as head of the new Council, she knew that she now had her whole life ahead of her, but it had never quite occurred to her that that life - her life - could extend into old age. And she wanted nothing more than to share it with Giles.

"Penny for them," Giles said gently.

She smiled. "They sorta restore your faith in humanity. I mean, how long do you suppose they've been together?"

"Sixty years or so, I would imagine," he answered.

"Sixty years," she stated in wonder. "My parents didn't make it past fifteen. Although I guess that probably is a record by LA standards."

"My parents made it to fifty-two and my grandparents to sixty-five." He took a deep breath and sought her eyes. "Despite the things I said, I believe in marriage, Buffy. I grew up watching two of the greatest love stories unfold in my parents and grandparents. I learned that the fairytale doesn't stop at the wedding, but continues well into the twilight years. I believe in that and I believe we can have that happily ever after." He took her left hand in his and ran his thumb over the area the engagement ring had sat on her finger as he searched her eyes, willing her to take his words to heart. "I can't promise you sixty years or even fifty, but I can promise you all the rest of mine if you still want them."

Touched by his declaration, she placed her free hand on his cheek, the look in her eyes tender and full of love. "Do you think after all this, I could let you go now?"

He closed his eyes in relief and brought her hand up to his lips, brushing the back with the most reverent of kisses. When he opened them, he found a lone tear had fallen from her eye and he gently brushed it away.

Reaching into his waistcoat pocket, he pulled out the ring and reverently slipped it onto her finger. "The stones are from a necklace my grandfather gave to my grandmother on their wedding night. It was left to me upon her death and I've carried it with me all these years as a way to stay connected to my family. The setting was damaged some time ago, so I had them reset into this ring earlier in the week… your ring."

"So you did plan it," she stated with emotion, the symbolism washing over her.

"A little," he confessed with a smile. "You are my family, Buffy. With you I am home and I want to be those things to you. I promise to never give you reason to leave again."

Buffy searched his soft green eyes. If she had any doubts left, he'd just annihilated every last one of them. "No more farewells, Giles," she whispered vehemently.

"No more," he echoed in agreement.