27 September 2008

As Always, Albuquerque, New Mexico

…

I've taken to carrying this book around with me, at all times. It's useful, at some points in the day, to write down what I'm feeling; I'm often so confused.

When I lived in LA, everything seemed to simple and easy. But I think I've worked out why that was, and how now in Albuquerque, things are more difficult. In LA, everything went from one place to the other, my choices made for me. I had no freedom, and I was living in my own bubble; my childish world. I hadn't grown up properly, and the more I think about it, no-one had. We were all the same. And then I enter here, and everything is so different before, so new. I was uneasy, but now I like it. I have options, I have my freedom, and I'm growing up.

I'm growing into myself; a being I didn't really know until now. The person I was before, isn't who I have become. And it's all because of moving here - something that I originally was opposed to. Sometimes, you just can't know the effects of something until you try.

So I'm not so closed now. I'm open to new ideas, and new people - not like I was before.

Troy, is definitely new, and definitely becoming more important to me. I'm not sure about him now. I think I've come to the conclusion that he wasn't just wanting me for my body, he may want me for myself. He's been trying to get to know me more. Prying, isn't something I'm for. But when Troy is interested, I seem to give him the answers without a second thought. He has that effect on me; he makes me calm, relaxed.

Today was the first day he had walked me home. We stopped off at the park, interrupting some of the conversation we were going through. It was nice, in a weird way, to have someone to talk to, who wants to talk to you back, and not just for the sake of it. We've talked about many things, from old life, to new life. However, today, he wanted to delve deeper.

Into my past.

I wasn't sure how to react. We were sitting on swings, my legs flapping around on the seat. The first thing he asked me was, 'Why are you so afraid?'. That one struck me. I wasn't afraid, just cautious. I took it as if he was asking why I was scared of meeting new people. I knew that I hadn't been the most approachable I could have been when I arrived.

I remember looking into his eyes. "Because I wasn't sure how I would be taken. Would they like me? Would they hate me? It was hard for me. It is every time I move."

We trawled through numerous other questions, each with me answering in guarded ways. It wasn't that I wouldn't give him the truth - I'd give him as close to the truth as possible. It was more the fact that my trust was hard to gain, and my trust for him was still in the raw stages.

He last questions, caught me. It held meanings, memories that he didn't know about. It held so much inside, but on the outside it was simple. He thought it was simple. "Why did you not like me, in the beginning?"

I answered simply. "Because I know that I'll get hurt. I do every time. It isn't as simple as it sounds. I've been through pain. Earning my trust, devotion, it takes more than what you said to me."

And that was the only really true thing I said to him that day.

Because I have been hurt.

And I'm still hurting from what they did.

They should have told me.

Maybe I should forgive them.

But they won't get my trust back.

Like I said, my trust is hard to gain.

...

A/N; I'm not so sure where this is really going. I have many ideas, all which will fit in somehow. But until I ahve a plan for this, chapter updates will be scattered. I'm sorry. I'm gonna sit dow when I have time and work out where this is going. Until then, it's a mystery to both writer and reader. :)

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