And when you wake up...you won't remember anything...

"Yuuki? Wake up!" my father was shaking my shoulders. I could feel his hands, warm against my cooler flesh, and hear his voice, calling out to me, trying to bring me back to reality, shaking my shoulders gently but firmly. But pulling myself out of sleep was so hard, I didn't want to walk away from this dream-not this one, not yet-not when it felt so familiar, so real. This voice, her voice, I knew it as well as I knew my own. I knew I did, I could feel it. But I couldn't place a name to it, a face. I didn't want to let go, but she had been pushing me away so insistently...

When I opened my eyes I was crying, hard, my whole body shook. My face was soaked with salty tears and my heart was heavy with despair, as if I lost part of myself. "What has you so worked up?" he asked, pulling me up and into a tight hug, rubbing my back in a soothing manner. I couldn't answer him for several long moments, just needing to cry, burying my face into his chest. I was mostly confused, dazed from the images reseeding from my mind faster than I could process them. I tried to hold onto them, but they were slipping away much too quickly.

"I'm-I'm just...really sad." I said through my tears, trying to get ahold of myself. "I had a dream, and...I don't remember much of it. There was a women there...a woman's voice...I can't remember what she said. But...I'm so sad for her." I cried. Her face, soaked in blood, coming at me in a flash, a blurring motion, tears and emotion choking her words as she called out to me, saying...something. "She was in pain." I didn't usually tell my father about my dreams, but this one was completely different from my usually night terrors. I knew that women from somewhere. I could feel it.

The Headmaster was quiet, like he was waiting for me to continue speaking, to tell him all I could about the dream.

But there wasn't really anything else to tell. "I think she might of lost someone." I added. I sat up out of his arms and wiped my face on the comforter, dabbing at my eyes with the soft fabric.

"It was just a dream, Yuuki." the Headmaster promised, hugging me again, though it seemed like he just didn't know what else to say, using the hug as a distraction.

"But it feels like so much more." I whispered into his shoulder. "I think I might know her." I pressed. "She seemed so familiar. Her voice, I feel like I've heard it before."

"Dreams can feel very vivid sometimes, dear Yuuki, especially when we've been though something...life changing." I assumed he was referring to what happened with Zero. He stroked my hair once. "But you can't keep dwelling on it. You're awake now and I'm here with you. Now come on." he took my hands and held them in his, leaning down to kiss them before he stood. "I'll make you something to eat while you take a bath and calm down."

I watched his retreating back. He didn't understand because I've never told him about any of my other dreams before. This one wouldn't seem significant to him like it does to me. He doesn't know how haunted I feel.

I looked around my room, my own solitary sanctuary. The dark wooden floor boards, the smooth wooden dressers, dark and rich, matching bed frame-tall, four poster, the plush white fur rug spread out under my bed, grey bedding. When Kaname had first brought me here, the Headmaster had made my room up all frilly and pink. Fit for a princess, he had said at that time. Picturing how it used to look still makes me smile.

Thinking about the dream-trying to remember it detail for detail-was only giving me a pounding headache. I couldn't remember it. The Headmaster was right, dwelling on it was a bad idea. I sunk my body down further into the steaming hot water and tried to focus my mind elsewhere. I hadn't seen Kaname since the night I had kissed him. I don't know if I was happy or if I regretted the entire thing, kissing him the way I did. Maybe I ruined our whole relationship, forcing a kiss on him like that. I was so confused. It was my own fault though. I deserved this torment. I was the one avoiding him.

I had always pictured our first kiss being so incredibly romantic. Him taking me in his arms so gently, looking into my eyes, leaning in so slowly, initiating the whole thing.

I slapped myself, remembering his hands pushing me away.

Instead, I tried imagining what it would have been like if he had responded to my kiss, better yet, taken control of the entire situation. I pictured what it would feel like with Kaname in control. I always wondered what his hands would feel like on my body, my bare skin. If he had picked me up and carried me to that bed, just beyond that door on the far side of the room. The feeling of his lips on my exposed skin, places no one had ever touched before, let alone seen, not even the sun had dared kiss. Him, peeling off my clothes-slowly, one piece at a time, gazing deeply into my eyes the entire time. What it would actually feel like to be together.

I felt hot suddenly, and I knew that it was because of more than just the water. My heart was racing. There was a strange tingling deep in-between my thighs. When I pictured Kaname over me, completely undressed, hair disheveled, pressing his body into mine-over and over, so agonizingly slow-whispering his love in my ear, sweet, undying declarations-the feeling there became even stronger. Why couldn't my dreams be more like this, instead of these terrible, constant nightmares? Oh, how I wished I dreamed of Kaname.

Slowly-because I had never done something like this before-I reached my hand down in-between my thighs-throwing one leg carelessly over the side of the tub-searching for the spot that was causing me to ache with such yearning. When I skimmed my fingers across it, I gasped, electricity shooting down my legs-my eyes snapping opened wide. When had I even closed them?

I stood up in the water-pulling the drain out with me. I watched the water rush down the drain in a small tornado before stepping out of the tub, wondering what was wrong with me. My feelings were everywhere. My emotions felt in turmoil. I needed something constant. I toweled the water off of my body quickly and threw on my pajamas-yoga shorts and a black tank top, basically the only thing I ever wore to bed-before exiting the bathroom, thinking about all the constants in my life.

There was Zero. We were basically family. I didn't think he would ever leave me. We've become so close lately. The Headmaster was also my family, my father. He wouldn't ever leave me either. Yori was always there. As my best friend, I was positive she would never leave me. Of course, she wasn't going to be going to school here for the rest of her life. Eventually she would graduate from the Academy. And if she didn't choose to go to Cross University, I might not ever see her again. I didn't even know what I wanted to do after graduating high school. I never pictured myself away from the Academy.

Passing by Zero's room, I noticed his door was cracked open slightly. Needing the distraction, conversation, and hopefully-if I was lucky-a bit of comforting, I knocked on the doorframe lightly with my fist a few times before I popped my head inside, hoping to talk with him a little. But he was hunched over on the floor, grasping at his throat-clawing at it like he couldn't get any air into his body. There was an overturned glass on the floor of what looked like water. Blood Tablets were scattered all about. Some of them got caught in the stream of spilt water and were just beginning to dissolve, turning the liquid red. His chest was bear-rising and falling rapidly-and he was sweating, shaking rather hard.

Panic rose up inside me, the night in the stairwell all but forgotten. I rushed over to him, kneeling on the floor beside him, thinking right away that he was choking and would die if I didn't do something. "Zero!" I called out, grabbing his shoulders, trying to help him sit up. "What is it? What's wrong? Should I call the Headmaster?" I didn't know what was wrong with him, but he clearly needed help. Calling my father was the only thing I could think to do in this situation. He always seemed to have an answer for everything. I went to rise, intending to rush for my father, to drag him back here and make him help, but Zero stopped me, grabbing my hand. His grip was tight, desperate, crushingly brutal. My heart was flying around my chest. I felt scared for him, terrified something was seriously wrong and that he was going to die. He looked up at me and I saw that his eyes were crimson red. Instantly, I knew what was wrong with him. For some reason I felt slightly relieved. It would be easy to help him. The solution was simple. He needed blood. In my mind the vampire from that night ten years ago flashed behind my eyes. My heart skipped an uneasy beat. But this was Zero. When he first came to live with us he was covered in blood and his face was streaked with dried tears. Though he never cried in front of me, that first look spoke of tragedy, before my father even opened his mouth to tell me what had happened, I knew he had been though some great ordeal. The Zero from four years ago was so sad he couldn't even talk or do anything for himself, he just stared down at his feet, seeing nothing, so completely lifeless. The Zero from four years ago needed me to lay beside him at night and stroke his hair softly, hold his hand, sometimes even sing to him, until he fell asleep. The Zero from four years ago needed me to help him. And the Zero right now needed me to help him.

Zero would never hurt me.

How could I ever think he would?

I went over to the door and closed it quietly, twisting the lock on the knob before returning to him. It wouldn't help anyone if someone were to walk in now and see what we were about to do. My heart was beating so hard I knew he could hear it. Vampires had good hearing. I was always trying to remind myself of that. I wondered if he noticed it though, what it made him think. He would never hurt me, I reminded myself before kneeling down in front of him. I pulled my tank top down low, exposing almost all of my left breast to him. "What the hell are you doing?" he croaked out, shocked, trying to turn away from me.

I was blushing furiously. "Do it here so no one will see." I whispered. I shouldn't feel embarrassed. This is Zero, after all.

"Yuuki-"

"I promised!" I cut him off, desperation coloring my tone. "Zero, I promised you that I'd be by your side. You said you couldn't take the Tablets. I'm not gonna lose you!" for some reason my eyes filled with tears, overflowing, spilling down my cheeks. I was crying. "I don't want to see you suffer." I whispered through my tears. "Not...not when I can help you."

Zero took my face in his hands and gently wiped my tears with his thumbs. He looked into my eyes for a moment, like he was searching for something. I don't know what he saw there, but whatever it was must have eased his doubts because he proceeded. Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, the other around my waist, he pulled me in close, gently running his tongue around the supple skin of my cleavage. A chill shot up my spine at the foreign feeling and I felt a tingling in the pit of my stomach. Probably just nerves, I told myself. His fangs sank in carefully, slowly, trying his best not to cause me any undue pain-but my mind was on nothing but that moment in the stairwell, where he took my blood with all the force he had in his entire being. I tried to stay calm, to keep from having a full-blown panic attack. It burned at first, and then felt really hot, but not uncomfortably hot. Heat spread out through my limps, to my finger tips and toes, my scalp even. He isn't hurting me, I reminded myself, over and over again. Zero would never hurt me. But when I heard the sounds of him swallowing-pulling my blood in deep, slow drags-I couldn't help but picture myself in a different position, wrapped up in Kaname's arms, that it was his mouth at my breast, that it was him drinking my blood, mixing my life-force together with his own. I could feel fire deep in my stomach, igniting an unknown feeling within me. I pulled Zero even closer to me, tangling my fingers in his hair-pulling, wrapping my legs tight around his waist-pressing myself against him, losing myself in the feelings those movements caused, not even caring, for a small moment, if he killed me. I wanted it to last.

He grabbed my hips-stilling my unsteady movements that I hadn't realized I had been making, pulling away from me and untangling my limbs from his, as if reading my thoughts and wanting the exact opposite. I felt cold and the unbidden feelings of abandonment came crawling back into me. Turning away from me, Zero went over to his desk and grabbed some tissues-not meeting my eyes, almost blushing-handing them to me. I folded them into a small square-sort of like a make-shift bandage-and placed them over his bite mark, surprised at the difference in this one compared to the first one he had given me; there was hardly any blood coming from the wound. It didn't even hurt, not really, I might have even enjoyed it... I readjusted my top-using the fabric to hold the tissue in place.

"Are you alright, Yuuki?" Zero asked hoarsely, finally looking at me now that I was redressed. He cleared his throat. I couldn't answer him, not at first, not trusting my voice to come out clearly either. I laid myself flat against the floor, feeling slightly dizzy all of a sudden, throwing and arm over my eyes.

"Zero, will you tell me about your mother?" I was suddenly reminded of the dream I had of the woman, her voice, her sadness, her pain, the way her voice was fill with an urgency I couldn't understand. The Headmaster had said to just let it go, but I still wanted to talk about it. I felt almost haunted.

He seemed shocked-surprised that I was asking something so out of the ordinary. But he didn't ask why I wanted to know, which I found to be rather refreshing. Maybe he was assuming I was just curious about what it was like to have a mother. After all, I didn't remember mine. I didn't know either of my birth parents. Zero knew that.

"She was really kind. She always put us before herself, my brother and I." he smiled softly, remembering the past. "Whenever I came home from school she was always at the stove, making something for us to eat and humming softly to herself. She had a really nice singing voice. She sang us to sleep every night." he laughed, sounding slightly embarrassed. He had a far off look in his eyes and was smiling softly at the fond memories. "Even when we got older, my brother would insist on it. She could never say no to him."

I tried to picture such gentleness. The Headmaster never sang to me. He did sing, though, but it was so loud and obnoxious.

"I didn't know you had a brother." I said-pushing my bangs back off my forehead with my forearm, resting it there-remembering some of the nights at the beginning, when Zero had first come to live with us, and he had just awoken from a nightmare, waking me up with all the racket he had been making. I would go to check on him and his eyes would be wide, staring at things that I couldn't see. I know that look, I remember thinking. Like he had just seen a demon, remembering something terrible. Sometimes he would ask me, so quietly I was never exactly sure if I had heard him right, but would always comply regardless, to sing to him. It must have reminded him of his mother.

He sighed. "I had a whole family."

"I think that...I must have too." I whispered. "Sometimes I-I feel so empty inside. I know that the Headmaster is trying his best. He adopted me and gave me a nice home, a place to live, a family. But...I feel like there's so much missing. I don't know." I stood up quickly.

"Yuuki-"

"I'm going downstairs." I stated, wiping at my eyes. "You should take a shower before you come down. You sort of smell." I wrinkled my nose at him. He had been sweating before.

It was too hard to talk about the past that I couldn't remember, even to Zero. He knew what it was like to feel loss, to have experienced it. I assumed that would make it easy to discuss with him, because he understood. I blindly considered us to be so similar. But that was absolutely ridicules. Zero had watched his whole family get massacred by a vampire, right before his very eyes. They could never come back. I was just dumped in some blizzard. My parents might still be alive. That thought alone broke my heart into a thousand thousand pieces. For some reason, it seemed kinder that they died-to my mind, at least. If they had died, or had been murdered, like Zero's family had-then they couldn't have thrown me away the way that I felt they had.

I grabbed onto the banister for support as I descended down the stairs, thinking more on the woman in my dream, her voice, the words she had so desperately uttered. I tried hard, really hard to remember more of the dream. I knew I knew her. I pressed my mind, searching deeply throughout. A searing, blinding pain shot behind my eyes, catching me completely off guard. I clung to the railing, suddenly losing my balance, and my vision, almost blacking out. Sitting on the stairs, I cradled my head in my hands, rocking back and forth, cradling my head in my hands, hoping to all Heavens the pain would subside.

It faded after a few minutes to the point where I could move again. But when I opened my eyes there was blood all over-it was everywhere, on the stairs at my feet, on my feet, smeared up my legs, my hands. I shut my eyes again tightly, shaking my head, willing the pain behind my eyes to fade. There's no blood. I promised myself. It's just the headache. It can't be there.

Slowly-because I was afraid-I opened my eyes again, finding the staircase and my body clean. I brushed the images off-though they shook me-as a result of the headache. My head still hurt pretty bad, though. I headed to the kitchen for some pain killers, positive my father was in there.

I wasn't prepared for what met me there. My father was there, that I expected. What I didn't expect to see, was Kaname, sitting at our kitchen table, so casually as if he lived there with us. He was sipping a deep, dark liquid out of a fine crystal glass; the one's the Headmaster only ever brings out for special occasions. I wasn't sure if it was wine, or blood. I wasn't about to ask either. He met my gaze as soon as I stepped into the room. I self-consciously flipped my hair over my left shoulder, covering my breast, as a sort of shield to what Zero and I had just done. I felt so exposed under his penetrating eyes.

But he knew.

I could tell.

Kaname knew everything, even before you knew he knew, or before you knew it yourself. That was just another one of his infuriating qualities that I couldn't stand about him, that I loved so much. It was in his eyes, his eyes gave him away, and they only did because he let them. He wanted me to know that he knew. The way they met mine, glanced at my chest, right at the spot where Zero's fangs had entered me, looked back at my face, and then simply away, almost as if I wasn't even in the room, not saying a single thing.

I promised myself I wouldn't regret what I was doing with Zero. If I could help him, even just a tiny bit, that was enough. But I couldn't help the feeling of my heart dropping to the floor. I couldn't help but feel like I was betraying Kaname.

Or maybe that wasn't it. Maybe I was over thinking things, imaging certain scenarios that never even happened to begin with. Maybe Kaname was just thinking about that kiss, how I basically crossed the line with our relationship, took the initiative. I knew I was, constantly. I felt my cheeks flush, for more reasons then one-embarrassment, and anger, self-consciousness. I hadn't looked at his face that night, when he pushed me away from him. I didn't want to see the rejection in his eyes. My eyes were currently so transfixed on his mouth-his perfect lips, the way he brought his glass up to his them, sipping slowly, savoring almost-

"Yuuki?"

The Headmaster's voice pulled me from my thoughts-thankfully-making me jump slightly, I knew I was staring, they all knew. I met his eyes. He was smiling kindly at me, the way he did. He was always smiling. But his forehead was creased with concern. I knew what I probably looked like-pale, shaken from whatever the hell that was on the stairs, dark bags under my eyes, and my head was still throbbing. Plus, I had just lost a lot of blood.

"I made some soup, Yuuki. Why don't you sit down with Kaname? I'll get you both some." he moved towards the stove, grabbing a bowl out of an overhead cabinet, intent on filling it.

"No." I stopped him before he could fill the bowl in his hand, the ladle was hanging in the air dripping soup. He looked at me, eyes filled with an unasked question. Why wasn't I eating? Though I wanted so badly to enjoy a meal with Kaname, as I had so many times before when I was a child, I knew that if I was near him now I would reveal everything to him; the dreams, the blood, maybe even what I had just done with Zero, beg him to help me, to tell me that everything was going to be okay, that he was going to take all the nightmares away. "I'm not hungry." I said instead, choosing to lie. Though it wasn't truly a lie. I didn't have much of an appetite at the moment. That woman's crying voice still haunted my mind, so fresh, filled with agony, making my hands shake with unease.

A sharp pain assaulted the spot behind my left eye, making me cringe. I tried to soothe it, rubbing my temple with my fingers. "I have a headache." I complained. "I just want to get back to sleep. I'm going back to bed after I get some meds. Can I please have something for it? Dad?" I learned at a really young age that my addressing the Headmaster as my father was his biggest weakness. He wouldn't be able to deny me anything.

The Headmaster and Kaname exchanged a quick look. They were probably hoping that I wouldn't have noticed, but I did. I didn't like that look. It was as if they were sharing a secret, talking about me silently to each other. I didn't like feeling like I was being left in the dark. Again. I couldn't help but think that, like with Zero, it was only a matter of time before something else went horribly wrong in my life.