Things went downhill ever since I had that first vision of blood. I don't know if it could really be considered a vision, if you could actually call it that. I didn't have visions. I wasn't psychic. But whenever I drifted off, whether it be to sleep or into a simple daydream-letting my thoughts wonder off, I would end up coming-too in a pool of blood, my whole world coated in crimson red. I felt as if I were truly losing my mind, my grip on reality. I had headaches constantly, crippling migraines were I couldn't even get out of bed. I was missing a lot of school. My fuse was extremely short. I was very likely to snap at whoever pressed me wrong-looked at me the wrong way, whether they were aware they were doing it or not. I couldn't focus on my patrols. I basically just picked a spot on school grounds and sat there until classes were over. Students could be breaking the rules, sneaking around after curfew, and I wouldn't know the better. I knew the Headmaster noticed my off behavior. But he didn't say anything about it, not to me, at least. Why, I couldn't tell you. You would think that as a father he'd want to get to the bottom of his daughters ailments. I still continued to give my blood to Zero-sometimes more than once a day, and he no longer argued with me about it-no longer told me he didn't need it, that he was doing just fine on his own; but I could tell it was straining him to see me suffering, and I was suffering, growing so much weaker. Every single day. He blamed himself for it, told me it was his fault and that he should be stronger and able to control himself. But he had no idea what was going on within me, in my mind-that it was the dreams that we weakening me more than it was him taking my blood. I couldn't tell him that though. I couldn't tell anyone about them. I didn't want them to worry, to think that I was crazy. I couldn't bare being called crazy. School was even worse. Everyday I dreaded going. It was so hard to pull myself out of bed every single morning. My grades were dropping drastically. I couldn't pay attention to my studies. I couldn't focus on anything.
I had never skipped class before. I found that-like Yori-school rules were always holding me back. But I had found that after lunch had ended I had no desire to sit through another long and boring lecture, that I wouldn't be paying any attention too one anyway. When did I stop caring about school, studies, tests, grades?
I stared up at the Moon Dormitory's tall windows while I walked around campus, actually enjoying the fresh air and my bold decision to skip class. I ran my hand along the blemish free wall that surrounded the building-protecting it from unsuspecting Day Class students-wondering if Zero or Yori were worried about where I was right now. I already knew that Yori was worried about me in general. She tried to keep a conversation going with me during lunch, trying to drop subtle hints that she knew I wasn't myself, just trying to be a good friend. But I was too distracted to keep up with her. I couldn't pay attention to her, not slightly. I couldn't even eat anything my lunch. I barely had an appetite these days anymore.
I was near the back of the Moon Dorm now. I took another look at the wall, skimming my hand along it's smooth surface. It was oddly smooth, weirdly, like a marble. For some reason it disgusted me with how perfect it was, white and smooth. It just seemed so unnatural. It made me feel unpleasant inside, almost dirty. I knew I had a black permanent marker somewhere in my bag. I dug around till I found it. I removed the cap and contemplated what to mark this plain-faced wall with before I destroyed it's perfect face. I wasn't much of an artist, and I didn't have very nice handwriting, but I felt like no one would see this anyway. I stepped back and admired my work, a big, thick, black, messy X. "Or a cross." I whispered to myself-imagining it as my sort of personal signature- capping the marker and tossing it back into my bag. I had never defaced anything before in my entire life.
I stepped into the woods.
There was a large lake that surrounded Cross Academy, further isolating the already extremely private school, and the wooded area was extremely dense near the Moon Dormitory, further isolating it. There was a large, beautiful waterfall hidden out in the trees, that's where I was going. Pine needles crunched softly under my boots as I made my way through the thick, dense trees. I spent so much time here during the long summer breaks. It was my secret sanctuary. Of course, it wasn't that much of a secret. It wasn't as if no one knew there was a lake, or woods, that's something you can't really miss, unless you're physically blind. It's just that no one ever comes near here. It's too close to the Moon Dormitory.
I stood at the water's edge, dropping my bag carelessly to the ground.
When was it? When was it that I started to feel absolutely nothing? There really was nothing inside of me. Just this black emptiness, a pit that seemed to go on and on forever. I couldn't sleep anymore. I didn't want to. I didn't dare to. I knew if I slept I would dream and if I dreamt I would see things I didn't want to see. Blood. All that blood. So much blood. It was everywhere. All over the place. Painting my whole world red.
I removed my uniform jacket next, undoing my red necktie first and stuffing it into my jacket's pocket so it wouldn't be carried away on the light breeze. I was colder now, even though the sun beat down warm and hot all day long, every single day. It was like my body couldn't hold on to anything warm, too tired to put in any effort for the simplest of tasks.
When, exactly?
It didn't matter if I slept in my room or in the dorm with Yori only a few feet away, or if I passed out on the couch in our living room, even the floor which I was known to do on occasion-staring into a textbook. I'd have the nightmares, or dreams, visions, whatever the fuck you want to call them-they didn't make sense and they were always so terrible. It was always the same; I'd see something that felt so familiar, voices that I knew but had never heard before, places and rooms that I knew I had never been too, never seen before, but felt as familiar as my very own house. Then I would open my eyes and there would be blood smeared on everything.
I pulled my boots off and dropped them onto the pile, peeling my black socks off after.
I had always had that dream about that rouge vampire on the snowy mountain, that didn't really seem so strange since it was a pretty traumatic event. Of course, most people forget traumatic things, to protect their minds, pushing the images away. In my case, I remembered them every single night.
When did it change? When did that dream start to change?
Mechanically undoing the buttons of my white shirt, I shivered as it slid from my shoulders, cold under the hot sun. I knew I wasn't technically in public, but it felt like I sort of was, and I had never been so exposed-so free. I slid my skirt down my pale legs, letting it pool at my feet. My dark hair hung messily down my back, softly blowing in the light breezing.
I jumped into the cool water, relaxing instantly, remembering the last time I had come here with Zero. It was last summer. The air conditioning unit had broken in our house and it was extremely hot. I remember feeling so miserable, the sticky air had become so unbearable. I had actually managed to convince Zero to come here with me, no wanting to be alone. He had protested at first, claiming that he didn't swim-that he didn't know how, telling me to go on my own. But that was a bunch of crap. Who didn't know how to swim? After pouting for only a few short minutes though, he caved, giving in to me so easily.
I came up for air, flipping my wet hair back against my scalp and sighing, the images of us playing together in the water reseeding quickly. That was a good memory. We had had a lot of fun that day, swimming together. It was one of the few times Zero had let his guard down around me.
"Cross Yuuki."
I jumped at the sound of my name, at having been caught; at skipping class, at being naked. I was still in my underwear, of course, but that didn't mean I wanted to be caught in such a state. This place wasn't that far out in the unknown-still on campus, but I didn't really think anyone would journey out into the woods.
I modestly covered my breasts with my arms where the water had soaked through the white material-causing it to become see through-looking up for the source of the voice, the very masculine voice. I found him seated on a high tree branch, leaning back casually against it's trunk, staring down over his pointed nose, arms thrown behind his head, eyeing my lazily, looking positively haughty. His curly blonde hair stood out against the dark bark of the tree, ice blue eyes piercing. "Hana-chan." I mocked, my nickname for Hanabusa Aidou. "What are you doing out during the day?" I asked, not in the mood for his games.
"I could ask you the same thing. It's not like Miss Prefect-san to be skipping classes." his eyes narrowed at me like frozen daggers. He'd be menacing if I actually took him seriously. I could feel the temperature of the water slowly dropping. He didn't like that I called him Hana-chan.
Summer has always been my favorite season. I wanted it to last forever. The flowers, the sun, the warmth, I loved it all. I couldn't stand being cold. I couldn't even stand the very idea of being cold. Maybe it had something to do with that night, so many years ago, and that rouge vampire on that snowy mountain. Just the thought of snow made me depressed. I was patrolling, as I do every night, as I've done for so many nights before. But this night was different. This night was actually eventful. There were a few Day Class students wandering around campus, probably looking to run into some Night Class students, or to take some pictures of them secretly; they were so obsessed with them. Either way they were breaking the Academy's rules and it was my job as a prefect to set them straight. I knew exactly what I needed to do. I had it all planned out in my head before I even made my first move. I would surprise them suddenly, so they couldn't run off, taking down their names and dorm room numbers so the Headmaster could deal with them accordingly, before escorting them back to the Sun Dormitory. I remember tripping-my shoelaces never stayed tied for very long-I was always so clumsy. I scrapped my palms and knees against the pavement, falling down pretty hard. Small cuts marred my smooth flesh, burning-I knew there'd be bruises in the morning-but I ignored them, intent on doing my duty before tending to such small cuts. The girls had protested when I reached them, not wanting to return to their rooms yet. They asked for just a few more minutes-completely set on getting to see the Night Class students-of course I didn't comply, sending them away immediately, now that there was threat of the scent of blood it was too dangerous for them to be out, more than it probably already was. Aidou grabbed me from behind as soon as they were gone, whispering low in my ear "I've got you, Yuuki-chaaannn."
I've always remembered that night, when Aidou took my blood without my permission, overpowering me easily. Thinking about it sent shivers down my spine. It had been a very small bite-'just a taste' as he called it -in my palm. "It's not so strange in my case, Hana-chan." I defended, holding back a shiver at the sudden dropping temperature in the water. "After all, I'm not a vampire nor am I a Night Class student." though, those things were one in the same when it came to this academy. "You aren't allowed to be out of the dorm before class, especially without your uniform on. Do I need to call your leader?" the Night Class students had to wear their uniforms if they left the dorm so they weren't considered to be an outside threat.
He hopped down from his perch, landing gracefully next to my pile of discarded clothing. He smiled sweetly at me. My heart started beating faster when he leaned down to pick up my shirt. Just what was he up to? "Maybe you should do that, Yuuki-chan, if you consider me to be such a threat." he chuckled slightly. "I'm sure Kuran-sama would find your current state rather humorous."
I couldn't help my blush at the thought of Kaname seeing me like this, swimming in my underwear a few yards from his dorm, basically naked. "You don't have room to be making threats! I could shoot you on sight, Hana-chan." I shouldn't be taking my bad mood out on him, even if he is a complete idiot. That was something Zero was more likely to do, not me. And I didn't even have a gun. "What do you want, anyway?" I asked, feeling grumpy.
He reached into my uniform jacket's pocket and pulled out the red necktie, bringing it to his nose and inhaling. He moved it away, looking disgusted. I couldn't help but feel insulted. "I know it was you." he said finally, apparently ready to get right to the point.
"You know what was me?" I wanted to get out of the water, to go over to him and push him away from my belongings. But I didn't want him to look at me when I was practically naked.
He moved to my schoolbag next, going through my things as he pleased. "You put Ruka's underwear in my room!" he yelled out passionately, pointing an accusing finger at me. "I found her panties underneath my pillow! When she saw she tried to murder me!"
Silence hung in between us.
I broke it after a few short seconds.
"Hana-chan, don't blame me for your weird panty fetish...and your strange obsession for Ruka."
His face turned beat red. "None of those things are true!" he cried out, embarrassed and angry. He took my cell phone from my bag, holding it up for me to see that he had it. He knew how precious my phone was to me. "Until you tell Ruka that it was you that took them I'm taking this!" he said before turning on his heels and dashing away.
"NO!" I yelled out, climbing from the water, but he was already gone. "Aidou!" I scooped up my clothes, throwing on my skirt and shirt as quickly as I could, carrying the rest of the pile with me. I had a lot of personal things in my cell phone. Personal pictures. Like the one I took of Kaname as a child that Aidou had on his bedside table that is basically all the proof anyone needs to place me being the one who put Ruka's underwear in Aidou's room! I couldn't let him see those. I couldn't let anyone see those pictures. I had to get my phone back before Aidou went through it. He was such a nosy jerk!
Obviously, I was no match for a vampire when it came to anything, like speed, for instance. I was just assuming that Aidou had gone back to the Moon Dormitory. Where else would he go? The water was soaking into my uniform, making the fabric stick to my body. My feet and legs were streaked with mud. my hair hung in wet clumps, moving out behind me as I ran.
By the time I got to the Moon Dormitory I was out of breath. I pounded on the door with a tight fist, repeatedly, until I was answered. It was minutes before a maid finally let me in, I didn't have my keys with me this time, forgetting them on my bedside table at home. I shoved her aside, dropping my jacket, shoes, and schoolbag in the doorway and storming inside. No one was around the common area, I assumed they were all probably still sleeping since the sun was still up. I ran up the stairs, intend on confronting Aidou in his room. I threw the door open. It hit the wall loudly, waking Kain-Aidou's roommate up in the process. "Where is he?!" I demanded immediately.
"Where is who?" He mumbled, groggy from sleep, yawning widely. Kain sat up out of bed and ran a hand through his messy orange hair.
"Your stupid cousin!" I yelled, checking the bathroom. I yanked the shower curtain aside. Aidou wasn't in there either. I could here other students stirring in the hallway. This was probably way more excitement then their spoiled hearts were used to. I looked under the bed next. There was nothing but socks and old manga with frayed bindings.
"What exactly did Hanabusa do this time, Cross-san?" Kain asked, coming up behind me. I glanced at his exposed, toned chest, turning away.
"He took my...none of our business!" I shoved past him, back into the hallway. Where else did Aidou hangout? Maybe he was hiding in Senri's room. Shiki Senri was such a red-headed weirdo, though. I didn't really want to go anywhere near his room.
"Is she gone?" I heard Aidou ask, from back in the room. I stormed back in to find him climbing from the closet. He met my eyes and rushed past me, shoving me into the door, probably further denting the wall.
"You two are children." Kain mumbled, getting back into bed, throwing the covers up over his head. At first his comment had made me angry, but then I realized Kain was right. I really was being foolish. There was a much easier way to get what I wanted back from Aidou.
I walked in the opposite direction Aidou had taken.
"Wait...where are you going?" Aidou asked nervously, coming up behind me, curious. Judging by the turn his tone of voice had taken, I had a feeling he knew exactly where I was going. He apparently wasn't that worried though, since he didn't give in and hand over my cell phone.
I knocked lightly on Kaname's door before pushing it open, not waiting for an answer but still wanting to seem polite. It was dark inside the room. All the curtains were drawn tight. But he wasn't in there. I went to the door on the far right wall, realizing he must still be in bed. Obviously. But I was fueled by my anger, and went right on in, without even knocking.
It was even darker in his bedroom then it was in the private office. The curtains around the bed were closed tightly. I mustered up some fake tears, which wasn't hard since I was already so upset. I had a really embarrassing habit of crying when I was angry enough. I already knew I looked a complete mess too, all wet and covered in mud.
I pulled the curtain aside and peered in, hoping he was decent. Kaname was huddled deep underneath the blankets, like the room still wasn't dark enough form him. I lightly touched his shoulder and he stirred immediately under my hand. When our eyes met I couldn't help but picture his hands reaching out for me, fingers forking into my hair, pressing me into the mattress while he climbed on top of me, the blankets falling all around us, his mouth descending against mine, hands ripping my shirt open-
"Yuuki," he sat up, his voice was raspy from sleep. My breath caught in my throat at the sound of it, just my name, and I felt a familiar blush begin to creep into my cheeks. I couldn't see him very well, but I could hear the concern in his voice, knowing he could see me just fine. Kaname brushed my damp hair off of my shoulder and touched my cheek, stroking it softly. "What happened?" he asked. He sounded worried. Probably wondering for all the world what I was doing in his room, dripping wet and covered in dirt.
Maybe this was a bad idea. This really was a childish move, after all. And he really did sound so concerned for me. I was probably taking advantage of the whole situation.
It was too late to back down now. I was already here. And he was waiting for me to answer him. "It was Aidou." I whispered, sounding as broken as I could. I didn't like taking advantage of Kaname, but Auido had this coming. He and I would forever be at odds. I doubted we would ever find common ground.
Kaname didn't say anything. He just got up and left the room, leaving the door open behind him. I couldn't help but let a small smile spread across my lips. He came back a few minutes later, opening the window's curtains to let some sunlight into the room. Kaname sat down on the bed beside me and handed me my cell phone back. I didn't ask what happened, I didn't really care. I had the phone back and as far as I knew, nobody knew anything about the picture or Ruka or the underwear or that I was involved in anyway.
I started to feel a bit uncomfortable under his scrutinizing gaze. Kaname was just sitting there, looking me over, and he had that sad look in his eyes again. I wanted to ask him what was wrong, but I was too nervous.
I cleared my throat nervously and stood up, intent on leaving. "Well um...thank you-"
"Why don't you use my bathroom, Yuuki. Clean up a bit before you go back home. I'm sure the Headmaster wouldn't want to see you in such a state. Especially considering your skipping lessons. You can use my shower."
I looked down at my body. My clothes were soaked and kind of dirty. My legs were streaked with mud. My hair was damp and tangled.
"I don't have anything to change into." I said, mostly just stalling. He was probably right. Showing up home completely clean and dry was one thing. Going home wet and filthy, covered in dirt and mud, soaking in lake water was another. I'd have a lot less explaining to do if I were clean.
Kaname rose from his place on the bed and went over to the large wardrobe in the coroner. He removed a plain black dress shirt and handed it to me. "Anything else?" he asked.
So here I was, in Kaname's shower, using his shampoo, his soap. I breathed in his familiar scents, feeling so close to him, running the soapy bubbles over my naked flesh imagining my hands were his, caressing me so gently. I blushed, remembering he was in the other room, waiting for me to finish and join him. He probably wanted a better explanation for what was going on. I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. I couldn't stall under shower pretenses anymore. It had already been almost an hour since I started bathing. I caught my foot on the edge of the ceramic, tripping, knocking the shampoo bottle onto the floor. It fell to the tile loudly, clattering loudly, rolling under the sink. I grabbed onto the glass door for support, trying to steady my racing heart, thanking all the stars I didn't hit the floor. The last thing I needed right now was a gapping head injury.
"Yuuki," Kaname called from outside of the bathroom door. "Are you all right?" I couldn't help but imagine him walking in, taking his clothing off one piece at a time, slowing, all the while never breaking eye contact with me; and pulling me back into the shower, pressing my back against the tiled wall, turning on the hot water, pressing his slick, perfectly sculpted body against mine.
My cheeks flamed. I put the shampoo back in its rightful place and began to dry off, willing those images away. "Yeah." I called back, breathless. There was no way he couldn't hear my racing heart. "I, um, tripped is all." I mumbled, more to myself than to him.
Kaname was way too good to me. I knew that he knew what I was doing with Zero-it was probably really obvious to a pureblood, even though neither of us said anything about it to the other. How could it not be? Of course, I didn't really understand a whole lot about purebloods and their particular abilities, I knew that they were different than normal vampires. And Kaname noticed things other people didn't. Maybe it wasn't because of who he was, as a person. Maybe it was just because he knew me a lot better than most people, to be able to see right through me.
Kaname and Zero hated each other. I could tell it wasn't one sided on Zero's end. I knew that ever since the moment they met and Zero tried to stab him with that dinner knife, Kaname didn't care for him. Kaname hated what I was doing. Not to mention it was an apparent sin to keep a failing vampire alive. Though in my heart I knew I would never be able to just stand by and watch Zero die. I knew that it bothered Kaname, a lot. Though I didn't know why-I couldn't figure out a true reason for him to be so irritated with what I was doing. It was my life, after all. It was my choice. I assumed that it was because he and Zero just didn't get along, or because he just wanted me to be safe.
I put his dress shirt on and looked at myself in the mirror realizing there was no way I could go home like this, in nothing but a shirt. It's not that it was because it was revealing. It was defiantly long enough to cover up everything important. It stopped halfway down my thighs, but it still looked like we had just done something dirty. And as I was sure the Headmaster would understand-he knew the depth of my relationship with Kaname-understood it-all the other students that were sure to see me during my walk home, wouldn't.
I turned this way and that, catching myself in the mirror from different angles. I liked what I saw, how I looked in his clothes. For a moment I let myself imagine I was getting out of his shower for a different reason, If I was washing off sweat instead of mud. How wonderful it would be if we were in a real relationship, if we were together the way I wanted us to be together.
I actually, strangely, felt close to him.
Who cares what anyone thinks?
I pictured the female students, their faces green with jealousy, while they stared in envious rage, knowing I belonged to him and they never would.
I removed his shirt from my body with a heavy sigh and put my damp uniform back on, trying to think up a good excuse to tell him for why I wasn't wearing it. I hung the towel I used on the back of the door to dry before stepping back into the bedroom, shirt folded neatly over my arm. This just wasn't going to work. I didn't want to be here anymore. I felt so rotten inside. I felt like I was taking advantage of him, of his kindness.
Kaname was back in his bed, fast asleep. He was laying on top of the blankets though, like he hadn't meant to fall asleep. He must be so tired, I realized. I had woken him up, after all. Over something he probably found stupid, too. And it was really early for him.
I hung his shirt back up in the wardrobe-carefully so it wouldn't wrinkle, running my fingers down it's soft sleeve once more-leaning in and smelling it's scent-before closing the wardrobe doors. I went over to the bed, then, admiring Kaname's sleeping face once more, realizing I've never seen him asleep before today. I'd probably never see it again. I knew I should leave, let him rest. He had to go to class later, after all. But I wanted to see so much more-to take a good long look at him. He didn't look relaxed, though, like even in sleep he always had his guard up, waiting for...something. I don't know why but it made me sad, looking at him like that. I knew what it was like to not sleep peacefully. He should be dreaming peacefully, not worrying. I wanted to touch him-to smooth away the wrinkles in his brow, push his bangs off of his forehead-but that'd probably wake him up. He had to be a light sleeper since it didn't take much to wake him the first time. This would have felt completely normal to me, had I been a few years younger.