23 October 2008

Albuquerque, Confrontational New Mexico.

…

I knew the time would come when everything he had been keeping inside of him, all the feelings and anger, when that would all come out. I knew it wouldn't take long for it to become too much. But I didn't expect it to come this soon. I can hardly believe it has happened, even though I have just ran from the scene, away from Troy, to hid from everything that was coming at me.

I don't usually run from my problems, I've learnt from watching my mother that it does nothing for you. But today, when he tried to get me to answer him, in front of everyone, about why I wouldn't let him in, it was just too much. I felt strangled, and I could see that it was hurting him to watch me fail like this; he didn't want me to crumble. But crumble I did, under the pressure of his loving gaze.

I suppose I should just retell you what happened.

When I walked into school today, nothing was really different. It went as any day after the time he kissed me did. I would walk in, people in the halls wouldn't look at me or care that I was even there. I sued to be 'popular' because of hating Troy, then I was 'popular' because I was friends with Troy. But since that has ended, I've just melted back into oblivion, just like I was back in LA. Strange as it sounds, I find it quite comforting going back to where I was before.

So I just walked through the corridors, dodging people who I thought would knock me over, and then reached my locker. Like normal, I did the code, watched it swing open, dump the stuff I didn't need in there, and let it slam close before walking to registration. But today, I caught Troy's eye. He was looking at me intensely. I should have taken the warning in his eyes. I should have noted how this would turn out. And most of all, I should have quickly made my heart stop beating so fast when I looked at him. But I didn't.

So I remember turning away, and walking to registration, deliberately closing my ears to the sound of Troy's angered scream and the sound of his foot colliding with his locker.

Lessons one and two were mostly me sitting doodling, while my brain worked over and over what Troy and I had gone through. It started off with him being his cocky self, then we became friends, then he fell in love with me. At the time I didn't realise what was happening to me. To me, it felt all so sudden but the more I think about it, the more gradual my feelings become. Because I realise now that I don't hate him like I used to. And I don't like him as my friend anymore. It's confusing, but I like what I'm feeling.

So after those two periods of just dreaming away, I wasn't really awake enough for what was coming next. My brain was fuzzy - I haven't been sleeping well - and I didn't really notice Troy standing opposite my locker waiting for me. I could hear all the other students making their way to break, or other periods; nothing out of the ordinary.

When I turned around, I heard him speak.

"Brie, we need to talk."

I remember standing still, like I had just gone into shock. I didn't move, my head was looking at the floor. And then when I found the courage to look up in the direction of his voice, he wasn't there. But I could feel his presence all around me. That excited me, spurred me on.

So I stood up tall. "I don't think we do need to talk, Troy."

I couldn't see him, nor did I know exactly where he was, but I knew he would here me. People were flying from my vision, along the corridors, still filing out from class.

Then I felt him behind me.

"You and me both know we need to talk. What happened doesn't explain itself Gabriella."

I gulped. I didn't want to have this conversation. "I have no idea what you're talking about, Troy."

I made to walk, but then his hand caught my wrist, pulling me around to face him. People saw this action, making them stop and watch. I cringed. I didn't want to do this at all, least of all in front of everyone at East High. People were gathering, but this didn't deter him.

He sighed angrily. "Yes, you do know, so don't deny it. I have sat here waiting for you for over a month now, Gabriella. And I can't wait anymore. You wanted time, I gave you time. Now you seem to want space, so I gave you that too. But I'm sick of waiting. So where are we?"

I looked him in the eye. "We aren't moving."

His arms flung in the air. "So we're just standing still. Not moving forward, or even backwards. We aren't facing the problem, and you know what? We aren't facing it because you are against making this,' he pointed between our bodies, 'work out.' He came closer to me. 'What are you afraid of, truly. Be honest this time Brie."

I lowered me head. "You already know my answer."

"That answer isn't good enough."

"Tough." I winced as soon as that word had left me mouth. I wasn't being useful to this situation at all, And he'd been right, we weren't moving, because I didn't want to move. I didn't want it to change, or anything to change. Change scares me.

His change of tone made me look up when he spoke. "Tough. You want to know what's tough, Gabriella? Tough is having someone walk into your life and change it completely. Tough is having that person walk in and not even know what they are doing to you. Tough is falling in love with someone and not having them return the sentiments.' I looked up, shocked at his words. I know he loves me, you see, I just haven't let my brain adjust to that fact. I remember him nodding at my shocked expression. 'Yes, Brie. I love you.' He turned around, waving his arms out. 'EVERYONE! PEOPLE OF EAST HIGH. I LOVE THIS GIRL. AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO TELL YOU ALL!' and then he stepped back to me. 'But you, Brie. You are afraid of loving me, aren't' you."

And then it happened. Everything boiled over. Every feelings I've ever felt towards the boy in front of me came pouring out, with no urge to stop. I felt it bubble to the surface, and I couldn't contain it. So I let it out.

I pushed him back, and his stumbled, shock registering in his face. Then I shouted at him, unafraid of everyone watching on. "YES, TROY! YES! You got it right, congratulations! I am scared. I'm scared or giving my heart to anyone, because I've known what it's like to be hurt, and I don't want to go through it again. I don't give people my trust because two friends I used to have broke the trust I gave to them. So it's hard to trust anyone now!' I looked deep into his eyes, watching him as he got all the answers he had been looking for. He looked… oddly satisfied by my rage. So I continued. "And yes, I run away from my problems some times,' I could feel the tears coming now. "But that's because it's the only thing I know.' And then I moved into his body, feeling his body heat mix with mine, and I laid my hand shakily on his warm cheek. 'And yes, I love you. I love you more than words can tell you. But that doesn't mean the fear just disappears, no matter how much I want it to."

I pressed my lips to his other cheek, sobbing.

"I'm sorry, Troy."

And then I ran, and he didn't come after me, because he knew I'd come back to him at some point. He knows me now, you see. I've bared my soul to him, given him all the answers he wished for.

I just hope he doesn't give up on me.

…

A/N; Thanks for waiting for this chapter. I told you it would be longer than the last one. Only two more chapters to go of this story, so please spare some time to give me a review!