It was the summer everything was different. Lily was sixteen, and she felt too tall; her freckles and acne were all over her face; her breasts simply refused to grow since she was fourteen; and her best friend since age eight was no longer a human being. He had transformed into something akin to the devil, or at least that's what she told herself, remembering with a shudder that name he'd called her, the things he'd overlooked about his so-called friends, the spells he'd been inventing that were getting crueler and more gruesome.

The air was thick and a storm was approaching. It was mid-afternoon, with the sun beating down despite a heavily clouded sky and a half-light view of the town. Lily sat in the grass of her front lawn, pouring jellybean after jellybean into her hand. The tastes were all pungent and some disgusting, but she was not paying much mind to that, and instead chewed methodically while staring at an unturned page in Jane Eyre. It was her mother's edition and she had asked to borrow it, but around chapter three had given up. The text was blurred and unreadable, paper shuffling with the strong but pleasantly warm breeze.

Lily picked a blade of grass and put it into the novel, finally closing it. She stood up, looking up at the sky for a few moments before walking into her home. The living room was cool and welcoming, but her sister, Petunia, sat on the sofa and looked at her sister with disgust. Lily did not return any expression of contempt; in fact, her apathetic gaze was probably worse than any animosity towards her blond sibling.

Petunia sneered at Lily when she saw the book. "Are you reading Jane Eyre because you miss your ugly boyfriend?" she asked, voice nasally and rude.

Lily rolled her eyes, tossing the book onto the table. Petunia was one to talk. Her boyfriend was the ugliest man Lily had ever laid eyes on, and he was evil. Vernon Dursley grew a large black caterpillar under nose and when he got worked up, he had a purple face. Complete with a boring job about some Muggle compliances that Lily seldom paid much mind to anymore, Vernon was absolutely despicable and sometimes Lily wondered if Petunia actually liked him. He was fat and lazy and cruel to everyone, even his girlfriend.

Without responding to her sister, Lily walked into her kitchen and grabbed a glass cup to fill with water. She drank the entire thing in one gulp. The water was welcome in her dry throat, providing just the sort of energy she had been looking for. A tiny drop trickled down her lip, and she wiped her mouth as she went to the front door again.

"I'm going out," she announced, but Petunia didn't care and their parents were not home. Some kind of baby shower or wedding or something. It was about this time that their parents' friends were starting to remarry.

The fresh summer air felt somehow different now that Lily was hydrated; the sun seemed a little brighter, the clouds a little smaller, and even the grass seemed younger. She pulled a black rubber band from her wrist and tied up her long red hair. The walk was a long one, and she lost some of her vigor on the way to Spinner's End, but that was because the moderately normal streets were transforming into dreary and saturnine houses, lined up like slaves for auction.

Lily started wondering why she didn't bring a purse with pepper spray. She hadn't even brought her wand; yes, she was still sixteen, but no one would blame her if she used magic in self-defense. Lily was not trained in any sort of martial arts and didn't even know how to kick properly, as demonstrated by the lame attempts at hurting James Potter the past year. Okay. Maybe this was a bad idea.

Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw a middle-aged man in dirty clothes and she started walking faster.

Okay. Maybe it was a really bad idea.

But she was already halfway there. Lily almost started jogging toward Spinner's End, staring at each street sign and hoping it would indicate she was finally there. It took a full seven minutes after passing the older man before she got to where she wanted.

Severus's house was located in the middle of the street. As she walked down it she could smell the polluted river and wrinkled her nose; it was worse than she remembered, and far worse than any of the jellybeans in her jean pockets. When the frightful house was within sight, Lily stopped walking and felt her stomach tighten. This was probably a very bad idea. What if Severus didn't want to see her? After all, they weren't friends anymore, and it had been more than three weeks since she had ended their friendship. Their friendship that had lasted half of their lifetimes.

Lily inched toward the house and finally began walking at a normal speed again. Oh god oh god it was so close now. She could almost imagine his face staring out the window like she'd seen so many times earlier; only this time instead of the face of a child she imagined the too-large nose under cruel eyes and longer, greasier hair.

The Snapes' front lawn was not only unhealthy compared to the Evans', but it wasn't even green. She could detect a faint olive tint to a few patches, but the honest truth was that it looked like it was long dead. Of course, it had always been like this. And it always smelled this bad. And the houses always looked miserable, just like their inhabitants.

It was no place for a child to grow up.

Lily swallowed nervously and tiptoed around fox dung and wild mushrooms as she made her way to the front door. She took a deep breath and pressed her ear against it. A creaking floor gave away that Severus was home. No shouting gave away that his parents were not. It'd been a long time since she'd seen Eileen, and only once had Lily met Tobias, and that was before Hogwarts. Severus had taken special care not to let that happen again. She winced just thinking about it.

Lily pulled away from the door and knocked kind of loudly, but timidly. Both hands fell to her sides as she heard someone—Severus—approach the door.

For a split second she saw Tobias Snape beyond the threshold, looking down at her with small black eyes and a disapproving expression. She thought she saw the long, greasy hair and crooked nose of his father. But no—it was only Severus, who seemed so much older, so much more tired.

He was surprised, to say the least, at Lily Evans being on his doorstep. She scratched the back of her head sheepishly. "Uh, hi, Severus," she said shakily, giving him an anxious smile.

"Why are you here?" he asked, voice cold.

Lily laughed nervously and shrugged her shoulders, looking down at the dirty ground. "I… can I come in?"

Severus did not reply for many moments, but finally he took a step back and allowed her to enter. She did and she glanced around the room quickly, remembering the distant echoes of childhood games. They had not spent very much time at Severus's house when they were little, but when they had, Tobias was gone and Eileen was not nearby. Most of their games involved pretend duels in this very room. She shuddered, feeling as if a ghost was present.

She glanced at the old black cauldron in the back corner, bubbling and hissing. "What's that?" she asked, gesturing to it. Severus looked where she pointed and told her it was an experiment.

There was an awkward silence.

"What are you doing here?" Severus asked again in a kinder tone.

She tore her eyes from the steaming potion and looked at him. "I'm sorry," Lily said, trying to articulate what she was feeling even as she tried to figure it out herself. "I just… had this impulse to…"

"Lily, you told me we're not friends anymore."

Time felt very slow and very fast all at the same time. The humid air, the thick stench, and dim lighting made the whole experience seem sort of like a dream to Lily. She wondered what Severus was thinking, as she so often had done in the past several years of their friendship. The things he said sometimes were just so… unforgivable. And yet it had taken so long to finish what she should have a long time ago. But right here and right now, the clock was ticking and he was expecting an answer from her this time.

"We're not," she said. "Just to make that clear. We're not friends."

If he felt pain at this statement, it did not show.

"Then why?"

Lily considered this for a moment. "I… think I want to kiss you."

Yes, that was it. The relationship between them had been degrading ever since the beginning of fourth year, months after their first and only shared kiss. She had done that as a childish experiment, and again wanted to just see how it would work. Now that they were older, maybe it could be more than a chaste touch of the lips. But of course it would not change the no-longer-friends aspect.

Severus looked affronted by this blatant reply. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could even start speaking, she threw her arms around him in a sudden burst of energy, and painfully collided their heads together. He wiggled under her grasp and then pushed her away, expression now betraying the hurt and confusion she'd been expecting upon her arrival.

"I don't want to fucking kiss you, Lily," he growled.

She wiped her mouth and took another step toward him. "Come on, Sev… please?"

She gave him the same half-lidded gaze from three years ago, bottom lip sticking out a little, lashes longer and fuller. The freckles dotting her nose still gave the impression of innocence, but Lily was far from innocent. She put her hands on his tense shoulders.

"I'm sorry I called you a—" he stopped, and they both looked embarrassed for a second. "I'm sorry about that. But you already ended it. Get out of my house."

She wanted him to stop talking like that. Severus was supposed to have a crush on Lily. He was supposed to be attracted to her. She was pretty, smart, and popular. He was slimy, geeky, and hated by everyone. Severus was supposed to dote on Lily. Not cast her out.

"Come on, Sev, I know that you want to."

He swallowed, and finally she knew she was getting somewhere. What was he thinking? 'Why not?' 'I've got nothing to lose'? 'Might as well'? Severus stared at the shorter sixth year and his eyebrows betrayed much of what must have been whizzing through his mind: it's Lily Evans, girl of my dreams, begging to kiss me. Go for it.

But he looked at her a moment longer and then turned his head toward the door. "Lily, get out of my house."

Lily rolled her eyes and leaned in again, shutting him up. This time he was weaker and did not protest, but he did not kiss her back. She nipped at his pallid lips hungrily, arms wrapping themselves around his back, breathing a cherry-flavored taste of jellybeans and chapstick onto his mouth. The movements were strange and incomplete without his contribution. It was like kissing a doll. A decrepit, ugly doll.

She pulled back and looked up at Severus's face. He remained unconvinced that she liked him (she didn't) and although there was that pink tint to his cheeks, he still seemed to be in favor of not moving.

Lily shoved him a little harder than she intended to toward the wall that was a bookshelf. She pushed him up against it and lowered her hands to the small of his back, kissing the corner of his lips. Severus let out this soft moan, but whether it was pain from hitting the shelf or pleasure from butterflies, she did not know. But as Lily continued to run her lips over his and down his jaw and neck, Severus moaned again and she knew what was going to happen moments before it did.

Severus snaked his arms around Lily's waist. She grinned against his skin, kissing it all the way up to his lips again. She licked the bottom one, prompting his mouth to open and a guttural sound to come from his throat. Lily slid her wet tongue inside of his agape mouth, adrenaline coursing through her veins and body shivering with delight.

Severus was an unsure and bad kisser. His tongue was thick and unpleasant. Lily ran hers in twirls around it, just glad to be showing off.

Yes, this would show him. All those years when he could have taken advantage of having such a beautiful girl as his best friend. Why hadn't he ever asked her to kiss him? Was he afraid? Why would he be afraid after she had offered? One of Lily's hands drifted up his back, entangling itself in his coarse hair. She let the other one go lower, down to his ass, and despite the books digging into her back, left her hand there and smirked.

Severus seemed to realize what was going on, if he had not before, and he broke away from her and bonked his head on the shelf. He groaned at the pain, panting from the unexpected snogging.

"L-Lily," he stuttered, gaze deeply affected by her sweet breath. "W-we need to stop now…"

Lily rolled her eyes and kissed him again. That was the last time Severus protested. She left a trail of chapstick from his jawbone to his neck, where she began sucking, hard.

"Lily," he breathed out. But it was not in protest. Severus was so starved of attention that this was setting him over the edge. Lily moved closer to him and giggled into the hickey when, through clothes, she felt something hard on her lower belly. She pulled away from his neck with a loud pop and licked away some of the hot saliva.

"Sev," she whispered, the first time she called him by that name for many months. His arousal twitched. Lily kissed his jaw again and started to slip one, two, three fingers into his filthy trousers, hand dropping further down to grasp his underwear.

He was rigid and ill-at-ease as her hands explored his body. It was an intrusion of privacy in the most personal of ways, especially after Lily had broken off their friendship. Just what she was trying to say right now did not cross either of their minds, but Lily lead him over to the threadbare couch and pushed him right onto it, pulling up his shirt, belly exposed. Severus's unhealthily pale skin was not a shock to Lily. He had been such a shy boy, so embarrassed to take off his shirt at the beach. She could taste the salt in the air. But that was a long time ago. He had a good reason to be embarrassed. His body was unappealing to say the least.

Nevertheless, Lily straddled him awkwardly and grabbed his right hand, bringing it up to her breast. It took him a full five seconds to figure out that she wanted him to grope it, and even then, he didn't let his fingers curl around the shape, hand simply dropping back to his side. Lily let out an annoyed sound and took it back, placing it more firmly on her chest. She wanted him to feel her—to understand what he had been missing, what he could have had. The butterflies and gnawing feeling at the back of her mind didn't stop Lily from taking control. She made an effort not to feel guilty. He wanted this.

Severus's erection was now visible because of their position. Lily placed his other hand on her left breast and then pulled off her summer t-shirt, a simple black bra underneath. Nothing special. But he groaned and looked up at the ceiling. Praying? Begging for forgiveness? Lily's smile was a little sadistic. She could almost hear him battling every step in his mind. He looked perfectly hideous, pale skin now hot red, hair smeared over his eyes and nose.

She poked her own breast so that he could see. "Do you like that?" she asked, voice strangely melodic and out-of-place. "You can touch me if you want."

He seemed unable to resist. Lily let out a soft, "oh," as he grabbed her boobs, giving them each a little squeeze. He looked up at her emerald eyes for the okay, but she either didn't know what he was asking or didn't care that he was asking. Severus blinked, looking very much like a frightened animal, and angled his hand to reach inside of her brassiere. His fingertips brushed her nipples, instantly hardening them. Lily moaned again and let out a heavy breath. She hadn't done this before either.

It went on like this for only a few more minutes: Severus's hands on her breasts and waist, Lily leaning in to kiss and lick and suck his chest. Everything about this was repulsive. But that only made it all the more compelling. Sev's fingers on her skin felt like little spiders spinning their webs. He was gentle. Sev was always gentle with Lily. His dirty fingernails made thin pink trails. It tickled. Lily loved this—Sev had always been a fast learner. She wanted to stare into his eyes like they had done in the beginning, as little children. She wanted to read his thoughts, but she'd never been able to see past those cloudy black eyes. Severus was a liar. He knew how to lie and when to lie, and he was good at it.

As Lily began to scoot down and looked down at his private area, a wave of cowardice overcame her. What was she doing? This had gone on far too long. Severus was a good liar. A good actor. His hesitancy could have been… oh god. What if he was pretending the whole thing? Her hands trembled at the buttons to his trousers, which were tight because of his hard-on. She hardly even poked the fabric before flinching away, as if burned.

"What's wrong?" Severus asked, blinking heavily.

Lily responded hesitantly. "I think… maybe we should stop."

She was panting on top of him, legs splayed over his. Severus pulled a lumpy pillow behind his back to look at her. She searched his black eyes with her green ones, wondering again what he could be thinking, as if he was a science experiment to test different situations on. 'What will happen if you refuse to fuck your former best friend? Don't forget to use multiple variables and remember: you need a hypothesis!'

Lily's hypothesis was this: If I refuse to fuck my former best friend, then he will be angry and sad.

But after a second of silence, her hypothesis changed because of the look on Severus's face. It was a scary expression, terrifying even, and it made her blood curdle. He didn't want to make love. He wanted her. If I refuse to fuck my former best friend, then he will not accept refusal.

His nostrils flared like an angry wolf, mouth twisting into sick brutality. A vein on his forehead was visible; eyes tiny and so much like his father's. Lily froze at this expression, and for once she didn't care what he was thinking—all she felt in that moment was a lingering nightmare that didn't even belong to her. Nothing in the atmosphere changed; the air was still musty, stink clinging to every piece of furniture, heat creeping around like a shadow. But no, no, no—this face was not her best friend's. It hadn't ever been; that was simply impossible. This wasn't even Severus. An imposter.

Two seconds of terror were two lifetimes of it.

He wanted to fuck her, and he was going to, god dammit, whether she thought it was a good idea or not.

Lily scrambled off of him and fell to the rotting wooden floor, dust coming up in the loud creeeeak. She stood up, pulled her shirt on, and backed away several feet as Severus also got off of the old couch.

The face was gone. Lily was almost certain that Severus Snape had disappeared for one second, and then come back in the next: he looked like his normal self again, lines of hatred no longer creasing his features, eyes again benevolent. Unselfish. Lily tugged her shirt down a little more and crossed her arms.

After a moment of quietness, Lily turned toward the door. It felt like she was swimming underwater in here. Drowning. She had to get out.

"Lily, wait—"

She glanced over her shoulder. "I have to go."

"Hold on, just wait, Lily—"

"I really have to go… I shouldn't have come here. I'm—I'm sorry."

Severus took a painful step forward. "Lily… just one… just one minute, Lily, then you can go."

His earnest voice and wounded expression just begged her to stay. Lily turned on her heel and put her hands on her hips. "What do you want?" she asked.

"I'm sorry."

"You needn't be."

"I shouldn't have—"

"Called me a Mudblood?"

Severus winced. "No. I shouldn't have kissed you."

She let out a short laugh. "Oh, please, Sev. I'm leaving."

She turned around again, and this time, Severus did not follow. She opened the door and it felt like the water spilled effusively out onto the cement ground, overflowing to seep into the hungry gray grass. Oxygen hit her like a disarming charm.

Did he accidently say no just then? Maybe it was—maybe he meant like, that wasn't what he was going to say at that moment. Because he had to be sorry for calling her a Mudblood. It was simply impossible that he would forgive himself so quickly.

Lily hurried through the grass, again steering clear of the waste and weeds. She did not look back. She didn't look to see if Severus was at the doorframe, or even if he followed her partway. This had been a bad idea from start to finish. What if Severus hadn't been home? What if it was his parents? Eileen? What if she invited her to stay for tea? "Oh, Lily, what are you doing here?" "I was actually just looking for Severus. Is he…?" "I'm sorry, he's out. Do you want to come in for some tea?" And then Severus would come home. Had he told his mother about the incident from OWLs? Probably not. Severus did not speak about such things to people, even his own—especially his own family. Eileen would keep Lily there until her son returned home, and they would both act as if nothing had happened, for her sake, but then Lily would not come back ever again.

What if it was Tobias? Who the hell are you? "I-I was just looking for—for Severus. Is he home?" That good-for-nothing boy is off again. Damned if I know. "Sorry. I'll just go." Hold up. Why don't you stay until Severus comes back?

Lily stopped thinking about it and veered off of Spinner's End, passing the spot where the grimy man had been. He was gone now. She breathed easier as the bad end of Cokeworth turned into the good end, where she lived. Look, there was a woman walking with a stroller. And soon came a little girl with her puppy.

Lily rounded up the corner of her street. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pink jellybean, tasting it. Grapefruit. It was sharply tart, but sugary too. Like sugar quills. Lily laughed bitterly; of course she would think about sugar quills.

The clouds started covering up the sun, and rain fell in a gentle drizzle. Lily walked up to her door and stopped before entering her home, soaking up a little of the rain. She took the rubber band from her hair. It was still slightly bent from the tight grip, but would soon flatten and probably frizz up from the humidity. The problem would be fixed with a shower. When her hand fell onto the doorknob, Lily's lungs emptied of water.