Tuesdays were the best— Severus always thought so, anyway. At school, on Tuesdays he had Potions and History of Magic—which, while boring, still gave him time to write little notes on his paper and create new spells, a growing habit. And during the summer holiday, Tobias worked from six in the morning until two in the afternoon. That gave Tobias plenty of time to… indulge… after work. Which meant the Snape household was Tobias-free from sunrise until well after supper.
Today in particular was pleasant because Eileen was also out. Severus loved his mother dearly, but she was tense and a little bit stressful because she didn't know exactly how to act. Perhaps it was guilt. Perhaps she had no motherly instinct. But Severus had only been close to one person in his life and now she—
He tossed some crushed hellebore petals into his draught and started stirring clockwise, staring at the pinkish bubbling goo. This old pewter cauldron wasn't exactly the best for making potions, but it was all Eileen could provide, and he'd left his own copper cauldron back at school. Severus crouched down to a notebook on the floor and scribbled something down with a pencil. There was an abundance of pencils in this house, and there always had been, though Severus never really figured out why. He dropped the yellow stick to the floor and stood up, stretching his arms. He unlit the harmless but hot fire underneath his potion. Severus had been doing magic outside of school since they first visited Ollivander's. Eileen didn't really care; she trusted him.
As he walked across the floor to blow some dust off the bookshelf while he waited for the bubbles to stop, it squeaked loudly under his foot. Severus kicked the floor and cursed the house. The street. The neighborhood. The ripped curtains and cracked windows. He went over to the front window and stared up at the sky, wondering if maybe Tobias would come home early because of the impending rain. But no, that couldn't be so. The weather had never stopped his father before. Everyone hated this house. They all wanted out.
Severus looked away from the window, scowling at the grimy floor and soiled couch. It was so… dirty. The bubbles in the potion were still large and strong. Pewter was the worst. He thought about walking through the house to look into closets, see if any broom had a full handle to clean up this dusty floor. His mind trailed off to the racing broom upstairs, the one his mother used for Quidditch during Hogwarts.
Nah. Severus ran his fingers over the kitchen counter, frowning at a few overripe apples sitting in the middle. He strolled back into the living room and the floor creaked again, a little louder this time because he was walking a little faster. Just as he was about to sit on the couch, there was a knock at the door.
Instantly he became suspicious. He looked around at the cauldron and eyed the wand sitting on the floor by it. Fuck, fuck. He tried to summon it nonverbally, but Accio was hard even verbally, even with a wand. Stupidly figuring, hey, can't be someone here to hurt me, Severus walked over to the door and opened it, light pouring into the otherwise darkened room.
As his eyes adjusted to the sunlight, he thought he was hallucinating. It was—it was Lily. Lily Evans. Standing outside his house, dressed in Muggle clothes that fit her body like gloves: a dark low-neck t-shirt, jeans with something in the pocket, hair tied up and looking very red against the grey background. He looked down at her, concentrating and trying not to break the character of a vexed acquaintance.
He could not break.
"Uh, hi, Severus," she said nervously, with a little troubled smile.
"Why are you here?" he asked, a lot harsher than he meant.
Lily was obviously uncomfortable, and she let out this awful laugh. She shrugged and looked down at their feet, and he could see her toes wiggling inside of white sneakers. "I… can I come in?" she said, hesitantly.
He didn't know what to do. What was Lily… Lily… doing at his home? He thought she hated him. She wanted nothing to do with him. But it appeared not to be the case. Severus frowned at her and stepped aside, allowing entrance from the damp outdoors. Lily came in and started looking around shamelessly. Perhaps she was remembering all the fun they'd had in here as kids. Chess on the table, running around the couch—all the magic they'd done before they were allowed.
"What's that?"
Lily was pointing at his cauldron. The concoction continued to bubble. "It's an experiment," he said.
Severus shifted his weight to the other foot.
"What are you doing here?" he repeated, glad to keep his voice in check.
Lily looked away from the cauldron and back to Severus. He felt butterflies in his stomach when she made this cute little frown, as if trying to think of an answer to his question. "I'm sorry. I just… had this impulse to…"
"Lily, you told me we're not friends anymore."
She looked up at him unapologetically. "We're not." A knife found its way to Severus's throat. If he moved, he would be unable to control himself—begging for forgiveness was probably the last thing Lily would take pity on. "Just to make that clear," she said. "We're not friends."
He kept his expression cool. "Then why?"
"I…" she hesitated, perhaps bracing for his reaction. Severus felt impatient and annoyed. Why in the world was she here? "I think I want to kiss you."
Severus's face turned hot, butterflies erupting again. He grimaced and opened his mouth, struggling to find words. But all too soon Lily wrapped her arms around his neck and plastered a large, impulsive kiss right on his mouth, exactly like she had done so many years ago. He flinched out of her arms and pushed her, quite hard, away, shocked and bewildered that she would, that she could, do this all of a sudden.
He spoke harshly, "I don't want to fucking kiss you, Lily."
What a lie.
Lily looked up at him, face looking so delectable and sweet. Eyes half closed, lips pushed together, and eyebrows making a sad little face, she gave him this look.
"Come on, Sev… please?" she asked, placing her hands on either one of his shoulders.
This had to be a trick. She was getting back at him for—for that word he'd called her three weeks ago. Severus's throat felt dry as he said, "I'm sorry I called you a—I'm sorry about that." Speaking hurt. "But you already ended it. Get out of my house."
She looked angry. "Come on, Sev." Her voice sounded… annoyed? He knew all too well that an annoyed and angry Lily happened to be very dangerous. "I know that you want to."
Of course he wanted to. Every inch of him wanted to, from the greasy hair on his head to the toenails in his moth-eaten socks to the thing between his legs. Lily was—Lily was his life. If she actually wanted to kiss, he would, oh god, he would kiss her. But something in her eyes made him certain this was to humiliate him like he'd humiliated her. God.
"Lily, get out of my house."
He didn't get a chance to speak after that because Lily pulled him forward and pressed her lips against his again, all cherry and sweet and perfect. Unsure what to do—she could very well be purposefully trying to hurt him now—Severus just stood there like an idiot. Even as she nibbled at his bottom lip, sending electric jolts from his mouth down his spine, Severus remained immobile.
His face was burning now, and she unlocked their lips, examining the embarrassed expression. Severus felt like a fool.
She pushed him, painfully, onto the bookshelf, knocking it and shaking it. Pencils rolled onto the floor and book covers flapped as books fell sideways. And then she was all over him, brushing her wet lips against his dry ones, creeping past that and to his trembling jaw, his neck, oh dear god.
He moaned again, this time out of pleasure. Merlin, Lily was good at this, much more brave than the last time they had kissed. Her Gryffindor trait shined bright, seeping into his jugular and his soul.
No no no this was all so wrong, so fucking wrong. Lily wasn't supposed to like him anymore. She was supposed to have 'moved on' or—or just forgotten. His breath hitched at her feather-light touches, the gentle caresses of a barber hungry for blood. Severus tried to break away but the bookshelf and his desire were both in the way. He wanted Lily so badly. And she was ravishing him, his throat, his heart, squeezing the reason from his mind as if she was making lemonade of his senses.
When his hands found her back, Lily kissed his mouth again. She was doing all sorts of things and Severus was reacting wildly and then suddenly Lily's tongue, Lily's sweet and innocent tongue intruded his mouth, tasting like lemon and mint and a bit of cherry. He didn't even remember opening his mouth.
His back rubbed up against the bookshelf, little flowers of pain blossoming on the old wood. Snape, what're you doing? This is not okay. You're not Lily's boyfriend—you're not even her friend, you're just, just an old memory, just stop it, stop it now.
His thoughts took effect when Lily's hand reached his ass. Severus tore his lips away and swore under his breath when his head hit the bookshelf. He couldn't breathe, his mind was flying from each insane idea to the next.
"L-Lily," he choked out, distracted by the lemony aroma drifting across his face. "W-we need to stop now…"
Because honestly it had gone on too long. He should not have been kissing her. He should not have even been talking to her—it would have been wise to cast her out before she even crossed the threshold. But Severus could never have known that this would happen.
But he hardly even finished speaking when she ignored his demands, shattering his resolve of avoiding it. Lily was a stubborn Gryffindor, and would persevere until she decided to stop. That was always how Lily was, right up until the moment he'd called her a Mudblood. She tried for so long to stay his friend, making up excuse after excuse until nothing could be excused anymore. Severus simply became evil in her eyes, a lost cause. But maybe not.
Severus moaned and whispered her name when she started sucking on his neck, warm teeth brushing against sensitive skin and everything blowing up all at once. His mind and his heart and his everything swelling and crying like a child.
Lily dipped her hand into the back of his trousers and he hissed pleasurably. And then her hands were all over him, his cardboard chest, his bony ass, his concave stomach, jeering as she tenderly caressed his skin. Severus was motionless and kept thinking to himself, she's fucking with you, she's fucking with you, she just wants to break you.
She pushed him around, driving them over to the couch. Roughly, Lily shoved him onto it, springs digging into his already bruised backside, more shots of pain as if the girl wasn't enough. Severus squirmed uncomfortably as she climbed on top of him and lifted his shirt. Too much. His erection pressed hard against the too-small pants, hurting and constricted.
Lily pressed his hand to her breast, but he turned bright red and pulled it away, because fuck if he was going to touch it. That was too much, way too much, impossible—fuck that. Fuck that. He had more respect for her than to—
She groaned at his disobedience and pushed his hand against the shirt harder. Face burning, Severus flinched and when Lily removed the shirt and her body was so perfect and he could almost imagine the outline of her nipples and she was smiling and god oh god look away look away stop stop Lily stop.
Lily used her own fingers to demonstrate, prodding the firm plump boob with her painted pink fingernail. Severus groaned and squeezed his eyes shut. "Do you like that?" Lily said, and he opened his eyes, staring up at her gorgeous face. "You can touch me if you want."
Don't.
Severus's hands shot up and he seized each of them, cursing the day he was born but squeezing them all the same. Lily moaned and moaned again when his fingers slipped inside the black bra and came in contact with soft nubs that stiffened. His lips twitched into a slight smile, a little bit of pride washing over him as he realized that maybe, maybe this could work, because, well, she seemed to be enjoying herself and, well, he'd wanted this for almost two years, since that Tuesday when they were fourteen and she'd kissed him right on the mouth.
He ran his hands over her breasts and down to her waist, her hips, taking in all that was Lily. She let him slide his fingers over her soft pale skin. Severus threw his head back when Lily started to kiss his torso, going lower and lower, making his cock ache. She flitted her tongue right below his navel, and then sat up, hands on his trouser's zipper.
Oh dear god. She was going to—they would—
Severus was melting into the sofa, morphing from dubiousness to certainty in a matter of seconds. Her fingers brushed the pressured buttons and Severus moaned, bucking his hips slightly against the delicate handling. Lily had barely even touched him before she pulled her hands away. What? Why. His heavy, lustful head flooded with confusion.
"What's wrong?" he asked heavily, having some trouble controlling his head when he looked up.
Silence hung in the room like the clouds outside, ready to pour but refusing nature.
"I think…" she began, and Severus furrowed his eyebrows, completely perplexed. "Maybe… we should stop."
He frowned. What? Severus propped himself up on one of his old, beat-up pillows. He stared at her, lost in the greenness of her eyes, and he could see his own reflection staring back at him around the glint of light coming in from the narrow window. It was like staring at a stranger, hot-faced and wild-haired, in the mirror of his best friend's loathing. Her eyes did not betray sorrow or negotiation.
Severus was dumbfounded. Lily… didn't… want this? Why not? Was she really mocking him the whole time? Would she sneer at him from across a classroom, remembering the time they almost fucked but totally stopped right before the actual fucking? Would she watch him relentlessly, eyes merry and mouth smiling, as if throwing a Killing Curse right onto his chest? He definitely wanted something else on his chest.
This was worse than Avada Kedavra. This was not only a betrayal of an awkwardly rekindled friendship, but also an uncalled for breach of trust. Gryffindors were known for loyalty and bravery. Right now Lily represented neither; a personification of manipulation; a Slytherin. Her hot tongue was like the snake coming to bite his snake's head off.
Severus didn't realize it, but he was angry. He wanted to throw her to the floor and scream at her, say don't you realize I love you can't you see what you're doing to me? Maybe Tobias felt like this about Eileen. Perhaps this feeling was why after she first seduced him, eyes all innocent but magic pouring from her veins, it all ended in yelling and cutting those emotional ties and just doing what he wanted, and by God Tobias got what he wanted. And yet ever since he was a boy, Severus had hated his father and refused to be anything like him. So despite this feeling he could not do what he wanted. Severus's face scrunched up furiously, and now everything Lily said was completely irrelevant because even if she asked to continue he would refuse. She was refusing him now. It was only fair to do the same.
Severus gave her a look that did not reflect back in her frightened eyes. She moved away from him and dove off of the couch at the livid expression. Lily was obviously scared, but so be it. He wanted everything and nothing to do with her.
He realized he hadn't been breathing. Severus let out a heavy breath and sat up as Lily put on her dark green shirt over her bra.
He could only hear his heartbeat and panting and the loud bubbles from the cauldron. Lily all but ran to the door. Severus stood up, stumbling over his own feet just to grab her hand. Wait Lily don't go don't leave me yet I'm sorry I'm so sorry please just be my friend I just want to be your friend can't we even be friends please please please Lily.
"Lily, wait—"
"I have to go," she interrupted without turning around.
"Hold on, just wait, Lily—"
"I really have to go… I shouldn't have come here. I'm—I'm sorry."
Severus winced as he stepped forward, dying erection rubbing against unclean fabric. He sucked in a breath. "Lily… just one… just one minute, Lily, then you can go."
To Severus's immense relief, Lily looked at him again, as if redeeming everything he'd ever done. He smiled only for a moment before she asked coldly, "What do you want?"
Severus recoiled. "I'm sorry."
"You needn't be."
"I shouldn't have—"
"Called me a Mudblood?"
What? Was that what this was about, after all? Didn't she know that he was sorry for that the moment it had escaped his lips? "No. I shouldn't have kissed you."
Lily laughed sarcastically. "Oh, please, Sev. I'm leaving."
When the door slammed, Severus stumbled backward. His eyes flew to the window, but he couldn't see from this far away and she was already running away from the house, running away from Severus. Forever. He knew that this would never again happen, could never. They were just sixteen-year-old kids and it was foolish to think she was even enjoying herself at all. Severus collapsed onto the couch and unbuttoned his trousers. He pulled down his underwear, warm air enveloping the freed wilting erection.
His breathing turned irregular and fast and god god god Lily but it was over soon enough and the sticky result sat on his lap for a long time. Severus started at the other empty couch seat, feeling the creepy ghost of a kiss on his lips and stomach. He rubbed his jaw and was met with the minty scent of jellybeans. It was all so real, and fresh, but soon it would just be another bitter memory, something to forget and bury in the endless Tuesdays and Sundays and everydays to follow.
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A/N: So I totally wrote this a year and a half ago and was afraid to publish it. I changed it around a little bit, but I might need another draft or six. Please let me know how to fix it, I know it's awkward and wordy. There's ALSO still another chapter sitting around waiting to be finished!