Listen! It is not sound alone, 'tis sense,
'Tis genius, taste, and tenderness of soul:
'Tis genuine warmth of heart without pretence,
And purity of mind that crowns the whole.
Jane Austen
Walking down the stairs, Beth smiles as she types her response to Daryl's text. She bumps into Shawn who is reading as he walks. Daddy always says it is a stupid habit to have, and Shawn has proved him right once – hit his head on the doorjamb and ended up with a big lump on his forehead. That hasn't taught him a lesson though. Shawn has always been passionate about literature, and if he is not reading something, he is probably talking about a book he has read last.
They both stop in the corridor, and she looks up at her brother with a smile. She sees he is reading The Catcher in the Rye, and that makes Beth sigh heavily. It is his most favourite book ever, although Beth simply can't understand his fascination with that story. When Beth read it for the first (and only) time, she thought it was the kind of book that gives you a headache because of how emotionally intense it is – but not in a good way.
'You are rereading that again? You're so weird, isn't it the most depressing book in the world?' she asks.
'I just like how it's written. And I really like Holden's relationship with Phoebe,' he shrugs nonchalantly.
'Yeah, but that's only a tenth part of the story,' Beth remarks. 'Besides, aren't you supposed to be visiting Otis and Patricia with daddy?'
Shawn shakes his head.
'He let me stay,' he looks at Beth and notices she is wearing her coat and boots, with her purse over her shoulder. 'Where are you going, anyway?'
Beth tenses. She hates lying to her family but knows there is no other choice. Daryl and her have decided that they better keep their relationship a secret for a little while longer, since it is not the best time to tell her daddy about it. Maggie has just dropped a bomb on him, uncovering her own secret relationship, so Beth knows that for daddy to look at the situation with an open mind and not make any impulsive decisions, they need to wait and let him cool off a little bit.
'I'm off to visit the girl I give piano lessons to. Sophia's father is not in town for a few days, so her mom and she invited me over.'
'What kind of father spends Christmas away from his family?' Shawn asks, and Beth has to admit that it is a reasonable question. The problem is, he doesn't know the family, and Beth feels like they are only relieved for him to spend Christmas somewhere else. That at least means there will be no violence.
'He is not the kind of father you want to spend Christmas with, trust me,' Beth says simply because she doesn't like discussing other people's lives. Besides, it's not like Carol or Sophia told her anything like that about him, it is more of Beth guessing. She doesn't like Ed, he definitely does not seem like a good person, and by the way Sophia always goes quiet the second he enters the room, or how Carol never looks him in the eyes, Beth can see that they don't particularly enjoy his company either. Beth can't understand why someone would stay with an abusive person, but she knows there is always much more to it.
'Are you coming for dinner? Daddy will not be happy if you don't show up,' Shawn reminds her, and Beth smiles.
'Of course I am. There is no way I would miss our family dinner.'
'Yeah…' Shawn trails. 'Mama always used to take Christmas very seriously,' he whispers with a faint smile.
'She did,' Beth says and feels the need to give her brother a tight hug. He misses their mother as much as she does.
'I'm so glad you're better now, Bethy,' Shawn says, still hugging her, and Beth can swear the scar on her wrist starts throbbing at that.
'I better get going. I've only got a few hours left.'
She pulls away quickly, hoping that he doesn't continue on the subject, and rushes to the front door. As she comes out on the front porch, Maggie follows her.
'Do you need a ride? I'm going down town too, to see Glenn.'
Beth nods. She doesn't feel confident enough to drive when it's snowing, as it is today. She looks around at the white flakes falling down onto the ground and suddenly remembers how – as a child – she always wished it would snow on Christmas.
She can't wait to see Daryl. She wishes she could just bring him to the farmhouse so that they could spend the whole Christmas day together, but it is not possible right now. Beth knew she would not be able to just disappear in the morning, so they decided that would just see each other for a few hours in the afternoon.
The drive doesn't take too long, and when Maggie pulls up in front of Daryl's small cabin, Beth looks at her for a few seconds.
'Thank you for supporting me in this, Maggie,' Beth says.
'If he makes you happy…' her sister trails and doesn't add anything else. But Beth doesn't need her to. She just gives Maggie a hug.
'Pick me up at six?'
'Sure. Tell Daryl I said hello,' Maggie says as Beth gets out of the pickup truck.
Beth shuts the door and watches Maggie make a U-turn and disappear somewhere in the trees. She hears the screen door open and turns around to see Daryl, who is standing on the small porch now, watching her.
'Hi,' she says and breaks into the biggest smile.
'Hey,' his smile is small, but it's enough for her. Beth rushes up the steps and throws herself into him, as her lips meet his. It's a quick but very gentle kiss, and when she pulls away, her eyes are sparkling with happiness. Daryl smiles wider this time and jerks his head at the door. 'Come on,' he says.
She comes in and goes straight to the kitchen, starting to make them both hot chocolate. Daryl follows her and stands there, leaning against the kitchen counter and watching her as she moves around his kitchen like she belongs there.
'You know,' Beth suddenly breaks the silence, while pouring steamy hot water in one of the mugs. 'My mama used to say that Christmas is not Christmas without hot chocolate.'
Daryl grunts something in response quietly, and they stay silent for a minute, until she sets both mugs on the table, and they take their seats across from one another. As they start sipping on their hot chocolate, Beth notices that Daryl seems to never take his eyes off her.
'You never talk about 'er,' his words seems too sudden as they interrupt the silence between them.
Beth looks at the table carefully, as if the answer is written there.
'No,' she says and doesn't know what else to do. Of course Daryl won't ask her about it because he is one of those people who never dwell on things. He wants her to want to tell him, rather than feel some sort of obligation to do so. And she does want him to know everything about her, it's just that she has no idea how to talk about this. So she decides to say whatever pops into her mind first. 'Maggie says I should. She says it's unhealthy to keep everything inside.'
She looks up at Daryl and sees him observing her, his face blank.
'You don't gotta tell me anything, if you don't want to,' he says.
Beth takes another sip from her mug as she feels her scar throb for the second time. She decides to just tell him everything. If anyone will understand, it will be Daryl.
'When my mom got cancer, I refused to believe it at first. My life has always been happy; I had my family, I was a good student, I was the youngest sibling and everyone cosseted me. It just seemed like something that always happens to other people, but no to me, you know?' she says and looks at Daryl, waiting for his reaction. But his face remains blank, and she doesn't know whether she should fell encouraged by it, or intimidated. 'She died a year later, and I got this feeling of despair that would never go away. Whatever I was doing, there was always this thought in the back of my mind, that it is all pointless. That happiness is just one big illusion. I didn't feel like there was a reason for me to continue living.'
Finishing the sentence, Beth falls quiet. She doesn't know if it is a good idea to tell this to Daryl. She knows about the scars on his back – he showed them to her a few months into their relationship, and right now it seems like she is just a spoilt brat, who doesn't really know life. Daryl has been through terrible things and always stayed strong, and she feels incredibly powerless for doing that to herself.
Her thoughts are interrupted when Daryl takes her left hand and slowly moving the bracelets that are always there, away from her wrist. He traces his thumb along the scar that has gone pale long time ago, and Beth wishes it could just disappear. But she knows that things like that always leave marks. It is there for the rest of her life, to remind her how stupid she was.
When Daryl lifts her hand and presses his lips to her wrist, she closes her eyes to stop herself from crying. It was meeting Daryl that made her want to live again. She wants to tell him that, but doesn't want to admit she is even weaker than he probably already thinks she is. She will tell him one day though.
When she opens her eyes again, Daryl is still holding her hand, watching her carefully. He slowly moves towards her, as if she is some kind of skittish animal and he is afraid to scare her off. She leans over too, and her lips meet his in a kiss that is so gentle it makes her heart ache inside her. She pulls away slowly and gives him a bright smile.
'Almost forgot. I have something for you,' Beth says and gets up, walking to the front door where she has left her purse earlier. She comes back in a few seconds, and she is carrying a small present wrapped in a white paper with silver snowflakes on it. She sits back at the table and hands it to him. 'Merry Christmas, Daryl.'
He looks at it for a few moments, just blinking silently, as if doubting that the gift really is for him. That reminds Beth how he told her once he never got anything from Santa. Just that thought echoes with pain in Beth's heart. She wishes she could just tell him how much she wants to take all of his pain away. But she knows Daryl doesn't like talking about it, and she is always too scared he'll think she is pitying him. Which she never does, instead, she admires how strong he is. She knows it's his strength that got him through everything.
Daryl carefully tears the paper away and opens up the package. As Beth watches him look at the framed picture, she can't help but smile. She loves that photo. It was taken back in summer, when she sneaked off to the 4th July carnival with him. On the picture, Beth is holding a stuffed unicorn that Daryl has won for her in one of the booths and she is leaning towards him, her head almost resting on her shoulder. It is a selfie, but Beth loves that picture more than anything. Back then they have just started seeing each other, and she hasn't even realised she loved him. She just felt drawn towards the man, and every minute spent with him seemed special.
Beth hopes Daryl likes it. She thinks that maybe she should have gotten him something more valuable, rather than just a stupid framed picture. Besides, she doesn't even know if he wants a picture with her. Maybe she is just annoying him, and he is too polite to tell her the truth.
'Thank you, Beth,' Daryl says quietly, and something in his voice tells Beth that he does like it. And, just at that, she grins at him happily. 'I'm sorry I didn't get you nothing.'
'I don't need anything, Daryl,' Beth replies immediately. 'My gift is symbolical anyway. The most important thing is that you are here. With me,' she reassures him and she is being sincere. There is no better gift for her than to spend time with him. He makes her feel euphoric.
They spend some time finishing their hot chocolate, and then they decide to watch a Christmas movie. Beth has brought a few DVDs with her, since Daryl is not really into movies anyway, and they choose (well, Daryl lets Beth choose) the classic Miracle on 34th Street. Beth has always loved that movie and it reminds her of Christmases she spent with the whole family – her mother being there too.
Pretty soon, they are not paying too much attention to what's happening on the screen. They are too busy kissing.
As Beth pulls up in front of Daryl's house, she smiles at the memories that keep popping into her head. She wonders whether he kept the picture, whether he got rid of it after breaking up with her. She knows it's silly to hope he did keep it, and it's still on the TV-stand, but she can't help it.
Beth spent the whole day working at the farm and cleaning the house top to bottom, and it is dark already, so the lights are turned on inside. She gets out of the truck and shuts the door quietly after herself, knowing that Daryl will hear it. For some reason, she needs a minute before knocking on his door.
She can't help but start fumbling with the car keys in her hands.
Beth knows it was Daryl's initiative they meet here and she just hopes it turns out well. She is tired of being heartbroken. She is tired of telling her daddy she is just tired. That there is nothing wrong and she is happy to be home, but she is tired because of the farm work. And it is partly true, the physical labour does exhaust her, but it is nothing in comparison with the constant stress she seems to be under since she arrived three weeks ago.
She decides that just standing there is not going to get her anywhere, so she climbs up the steps and crosses the front porch. She raises her hand and knocks on the door, her heart already starting to clamour for escape inside her. Few seconds pass, and Daryl appears, opening the screen door for her.
'Hi,' she says a bit awkwardly, not knowing what else to do or how to act around him.
'Hey,' he responds and lets her in. 'You hungry?'
'Yeah, I could eat.'
'Come on then,' Daryl says and heads towards the kitchen, with Beth following him. As she walks past the TV, she notices it. Their picture is still there, and just that thought makes Beth's heart clench in her chest.
Daryl turns on the oven and opens the freezer.
'Only got plain cheese pizza. No pepperoni,' he says apologetically, and Beth smiles at the fact he remembers her favourite pizza topping.
'That's okay,' she says, still smiling at him.
They remain quiet for some time, Beth leaning against the counter and watching Daryl take pizza out of the box. The question she wants to ask him is on her tongue, and she feels like she has to vocalize it or she will regret it later.
'Why?' she asks, and Daryl turns to look at her. 'Why did you lie to me back then, Daryl? You might not reciprocate my feelings, but you do care about me. It's obvious to me now.'
Daryl looks down, his shoulders slouching as if something is pressing onto him. He stays silent.
'Why?' Beth repeats, much quieter this time.
'Wanted to give you a chance to have a better life. I got nothing to offer, Beth,' he says, not lifting his gaze off the floor.
It all starts to make sense now, and Beth feels her heart hammer against her ribcage so loud that she can easily imagine Daryl being able to hear it too.
'I didn't need anything,' she whispers and she can hardly hear herself, but she knows Daryl heard it. 'I just needed you.'
He doesn't say anything, and Beth doesn't expect him to. She has learned it is better to judge his actions rather than words. It all makes sense to her now. How he always apologized for not taking her out to the restaurants or buying her expensive gifts. How he always said she was crazy for loving him. How he always stayed detached, but seemed to care for her deeply.
She suddenly feels like she can't control her heart anymore (not that she ever could, anyway), that Daryl has complete power over it. And she wants to tell him that.
'I love you, Daryl,' she says.
Daryl looks up at her and frowns, and just seeing that frown, Beth realises she can't stop herself. She takes a step forward and, wrapping her arms around his neck, she presses her lips to his. Daryl doesn't move for a moment, but Beth sighs with relief when she feels his lips returning the pressure. As the kiss gets more passionate and deep, Beth's hands come down to his chest, pushing his leather vest off his shoulders, as he starts moving somewhere. As they stumble into Daryl's bedroom and fall onto the bed, Beth can't help but think that if she is dreaming, she hopes she never wakes up.
I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas! :)