Okay, so this was my first time writing from Daryl's POV (apart from that little bit in the first chapter), and holy shit this was hard. Honestly, I am the kind of girl who is all about flowers, hair, makeup, and dresses and I genuinely cannot imagine how men like him feel... anything, to be frank. But I tried my best and I would love to know what you guys think about it.
Furthermore, I just wanted to let you know that next chapter will probably be the last one. I never intended to make this story long, since it is more about what happened in the past, rather than what is happening right now, so eight chapters seem like enough for me.
Thirdly, a reader let me know that I use British spelling in many words, and I apologize for that. I try my best to adapt my writing to American English more, but it is really hard to think about every single word, especially when you are writing at three in the morning (which is what I do most of the times).
I was actually listening to "A little party never killed nobody" by Fergie on repeat as I wrote this. (Just thought I'd tell you.) Give it a go, by the way, if you are not familiar with it.
Okay, I have rambled quite a bit, so let's do this. Here we go.
Regardless of what other people think of him, Daryl Dixon is not stupid. He knows he does not deserve Beth Greene's love in the slightest, and just that knowledge becomes his worst enemy. Every morning that he wakes up to her in his bed next to him, he thinks that maybe it's just a dream. A beautiful dream that will end sooner than he wants it to. Every time she leaves his cabin, he thinks that she might never come back, and even though that thought echoes with a painful tug on his heart, he knows he will do nothing to stop her if she decides to leave him. Has no right to stop her.
Daryl comes to think that it might be easier to be the one to end it. On his terms. Only when he does end it, it appears to be the biggest mistake he has ever made.
He honestly expects Beth to slap him or say that she hates him, or that she should have never trusted him in the first place. She does no such thing though and instead, she just looks him in the eyes and cries silently, heavy tears running down her cheeks. He ignores it when something jerks painfully in his chest at the sight of that.
'It was just about sex,' he says, and the words taste bitter on his tongue.
'No,' she breathes out. 'I don't believe you. I know you love me.'
'I ever told ya that?' Daryl exclaims, and the fact that he said something like that out loud makes him feel like shit. She takes a step back as if he just hit her, wrapping her arms around herself defensively.
Beth looks him in the eye one last time, and there is so much pain in her gaze that Daryl suddenly feels like it suffocates him. She keeps looking at him as if searching for something vital, the flow of tears never ending, and just as he is about to fall onto his knees and start begging for her forgiveness, she looks away.
As Beth walk out on him, Daryl feels like he wants to cry too. Probably, for the first time in his adult life.
The two years Daryl without her become one big blur. All the bright colours the world seemed to be filled with when Beth was there suddenly vanish, leaving his life as grey and depressing as Hitchcock's movie. He will never say it to anyone, but he misses her every day. Misses her smile, her sparkling eyes, her quiet singing, and soft whispers during the nights they spent together. He misses her constant flow of energy and enthusiasm for life, and without her, days become routine, time killing him slowly, like quicksand. He also misses her belief in goodness in him, her constant ability to make his heart beat faster, and her talent to make him smile (because no one can stand a chance of being constantly grumpy when Beth Greene is around).
He only realises it after she's gone, but her love made him feel like he was a good man. That he might be worth loving at all. And without her, the feeling of despair returns and he helplessly welcomes it in, letting it sit tightly in his heart.
For a long time, it seems like his cabin is filled with her sweet scent, and that keeps him awake at nights because the second he closes his eyes, he remembers her face as he tells her he doesn't love her. The way her eyes lost that beautiful sparkling, lost that fire. He still doesn't doubt that her feeling for him were just temporary, but he knows he hurt her nevertheless. All this thinking makes him even more certain that he never deserved anything like that from her in the first place, so that probably means he did the right thing. Does it always hurt like a bitch when you do the right thing? He doesn't know.
He believes he is starting to go crazy. He remembers her voice, her soft humming, her laugh, and it keeps sounding in his head. He hears it so clearly sometimes that he thinks he probably should get locked up in a rehab.
Between the moment she leaves his cabin and the moment he sees her in the shop, he loses track of time. He knows it must have been two years or so, but doesn't know for sure.
When Daryl notices her, he assumes that he is hallucinating and definitely needs help of a professional. He sees her standing by the freezers, and even though she is facing backwards and is a bit far away, he recognises her instantly. He is positive he's actually gone crazy, until Beth's sister Maggie calls her, 'Bethy!' from the other side and she whips her head to look at her sister.
She looks different. She hasn't changed much, but she still looks different. Her hair is longer, it's pulled up in a high bun, and Daryl suddenly finds himself missing her messy ponytails with a single braid always in them. She used to wear cowboy boots or converse, but right now, he is surprised to notice that she has wedge-heeled shoes, and he frowns because it feels wrong. She looks beautiful, but much less herself.
Feeling like some old and creepy son of a bitch, Daryl follows her when she takes a turn. She turns around, looking for something, and it's then that she notices him. Her eyes widen when she sees him, her lips part in surprise, and she takes a small step back, as if she is afraid of him. That makes Daryl feel shittier than ever. Whatever he has done, he never wanted her to be afraid of him. But he guesses her deserves it. Daryl realises that he just keeps staring at her, and after a few moments of awkward silence pass, she tenses even more. And then he sees her smile, and that nearly knocks him unconscious. Why would she smile at him? Shouldn't she hate him?
'Hi,' Beth says almost in a whisper and gives him a small, friendly wave.
Apparently, Beth's sister Maggie has been standing there too because she suddenly murmurs something about cornflakes and disappears, and Daryl can swear he sees Beth's shoulders lift up defensively. She is probably not expecting him to say anything, but Daryl can't help himself.
'Didn't know you were back in town,' he says, sounding like a complete moron. It's probably the stupidest thing a person can say in a situation like this. Some sort of surprise passes through her eyes, and he realises that they still seem empty, without that pretty sparkling in them.
He immediately puts down any hopes that might raise in his heart. Of course she is over him, years have passed, and a girl like Beth would never stay without attention for too long. She has probably met a guy, worthy of her time and affection. Besides, he knows what happened to her father and realises that maybe that is the direct cause of sadness he can see somewhere deep in her eyes.
'I've only arrived two hours ago,' he hears her soft voice, and it makes his heart clench with pain inside him.
Daryl tells her he is sorry for her father, even though she is probably not interested in anything he has to say. He just feels like he needs to say it. She deserves people to care about her.
He keeps staring, taking her in greedily, when she speaks up again.
'I have to go find Maggie,' she points somewhere behind her. 'We can't leave daddy alone for too long. It was nice seeing you, Daryl,' Beth adds, and Daryl tries his best not to let himself believe in her words too much. Just because she is polite doesn't mean she is happy to see him. Before he comes up with an answer, she spins away, the hem of her light blue dress twirling around her legs, and walks away, leaving Daryl startled.
To say that Daryl is surprised when Beth shows up at the garage next day is an understatement. He doesn't want to make it awkward, so he just starts fixing the truck. It takes him a few hours, but there is nothing too hard about it. He enjoys fixing cars, it makes him feel like he is in control of something for once. Beth keeps talking to him and asking generic questions, and he would be surprised by that if it was someone else, but he knows her. Beth can't stay in silence for too long, she is too excited for life. Too excited to share her excitement with others.
When Beth asks him whether he is happy, he doesn't know what to say at first. He doesn't think he is, he has not been happy for a long time. Ever since he pushed her away. But he doesn't want her to feel sorry for him or anything (especially since it's his own fault), so he just shrugs. He asks her the same question and freezes, waiting for her answer. She tells him she is, in fact, happy, and even though the way she looks tell him different, he is glad to hear that. No matter what, he wants her to be happy. She deserves it.
Daryl knows he is no good with females or at talking, or at talking to females, for that matter. But he knows Beth and he remembers how jealous she used to get when Amy would keep trying to flirt with him. Daryl always used to say that he is not interested in Amy anyway, and Beth had nothing to worry about. But he remembers the look she used to have when she was afraid something would happen between them. How her hands would start shaking slightly, and she would occupy them with something to hide her worry.
When Amy jumps in on their conversation, he notices Beth wince a little. And then she does it. Starts going through the stuff in her purse, as if she is trying to find something. To a stranger that performance might look convincing, but Daryl knows her well enough to tell that she is worried. She can't be jealous though. No way. Maybe it's just bad memories. Maybe she still dislikes Amy. (And he wouldn't blame her.) He keeps repeating that to himself for the whole day afterwards, but can't help the fact that it plants some doubt in his heart already.
Daryl starts doubting everything he believed for the last two years even more, when he finds Beth outside the pharmacy next morning. He just had his breakfast at the diner and is heading to the small grocery shop two doors down to buy some smokes. He sees Beth standing next to the truck, and he watches her swallow some pills and then wash them down with a few gulps of water. It's hot as sin outside, but she is wearing a warm cardigan. The combination of both gets him worried, and he comes closer.
'Beth?' he hears himself say, and when she turns around, he can't help but flinch at the sight. She looks so tired and broken that he feels his heart hammer against his ribcage in fear. He's never seen her so… crushed. It reminds him of the scar she has on her left wrist, and the thought that if she is under so much stress she might do something, scares the crap out of him.
Beth starts saying that she is sick of him toying with her, and it seems like she is letting that out for the first time. Like she had no one to talk to about it, and was left alone to deal with her broken heart. And he knows it's his fault and understands her anger perfectly. He tries to think of something to do to help her, to shield her and protect, even if it means protecting her from himself.
When Daryl pulls her in for a hug, she starts pushing him away with such anger and despair, he feels like the biggest douchebag in the world. He did this to her. To the girl who gave him her heart, without asking anything in return. He knows how much she went through in the past few years and thinks that what he did only made everything worse. He is grateful she is still here, that she was strong enough to not be tempted to finish what she has started when she was left alone.
She keeps sobbing, and he just keeps standing there, holding her close, allowing her let it all out. As he brings her home, all the walls he has built around him over last two years start shaking.
It all crumbles in two weeks, when Beth, already recovered, shows up at the garage again. He doesn't call her or visit, deciding she doesn't need any extra stress to stop her from getting better. When he notices her, she is about to leave, and he says her name just to keep her there. He feels like a selfish piece of shit but he wants to talk to her, to look at her. Oddly enough, she looks more like her old self. Her eyes reflect on the smile on her lips, and the yellow floral dress she is wearing makes her look like an angel.
Daryl says he wants to talk to her, but when they walk to the tables at the back, he still has no idea what he is going to say. And then he does it again. Says a stupid thing that obviously hurts her, and she slaps him on the face. He just stares at her as he hears ringing in his ears, and when he sees her start crying again, it's like his heart shutters into pieces. It seems like no matter what he does, he just keeps hurting her. So when she is about to disappear, he takes a risk and does something he thought he would never do again. He grabs her hand and kisses her.
Beth tastes just like she tasted two years ago: sweet, warm, and innocent, and he is not a good job of hiding a delighted growl, that is building up somewhere in his chest. She responds immediately and clings to him as if her life depends on it. He feels her tears in their kiss, and it's then that he realises that there is no way she is over him. Over them. She probably still loves him, and it's not selfish of him to want to kiss her right now. It was selfish of him to push her away in the first place. Realising how much pain he caused for this girl, and all for nothing, he pulls away to look at her.
She doesn't open her eyes for a few moments, and he notices that her nose is reddened from crying, her cheeks are stained with tears, her hair is a mess, but she is the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. He doesn't try and stop himself from kissing her again and this time he tries to be as gentle as possible. The kiss is soft – the kind that takes your breath away, just because of how much meaning is put into it.
He apologises, thinking that she will probably never forgive him (and will be right), but he does it anyway, and that causes a spark of fear in her eyes. She is probably thinking that he is going to push her away again, but he has already decided. He will not leave his side until (if) she tells him she doesn't want him anymore.
And when he promises to call her, he finally sees her eyes to start sparkling again, and for the first time in many years there is nothing heavy on his mind.
As Daryl follows Hershel out of the house and onto the porch, he feels his palms starting to sweat. He doesn't know why the man even let him into his house after he broke Beth's heart. He must really trust Beth's judgement to be so open-minded.
They come up to the handrails and stop there. Daryl is tense and he is waiting for Hershel to speak.
'You know,' Hershel says, his gaze fixed on something in the dark. 'It always amazed me how open to other people she is.'
He couldn't agree more.
'I was always afraid it would be her burden,' he continues. 'People with such warm hearts usually get hurt on regular basis.'
Daryl tries his best to keep his gaze in place when Hershel looks at him. The guilt starts suffocating him again, but he doesn't say anything, just remains quiet, waiting for anything else Hershel has to say.
'Were you the reason why Bethy left town?' he asks, and Daryl almost flinches at that question.
'Yeah,' he says, unable to lie. Not to Beth's father. He needs to do this right.
'And what are your intentions with her now?' is Hershel's next question, and Daryl can't help but feel surprised by the fact he didn't comment on that fact he broke his daughter's heart.
He knows this is a test, and that a lot depends on his answer. So he decides to go for the truth.
'Look, I know what I did is unforgivable,' he takes a deep breath before he continues. 'But Beth means the world to me, and I'd do anything to make her happy.'
Daryl can't help but think that if Merle was here he would probably call him a pussy or something along those lines for actually his feelings with someone. But he doesn't care. Hershel needs to know he is not going to do anything to harm Beth.
'Yes, it's obvious you are crazy about her. And she loves you,' Hershel says and gives Daryl a calm and warm smile. 'But if you ever make her unhappy like that again? I'll put a gun to your forehead, and don't you doubt that.'
'Deal,' Daryl says simply because he honestly agrees with that.
'Good,' Hershel nods approvingly and walks off, leaving him standing there.
Daryl doesn't know what he ever did to earn the treasure of Beth's love, but he is not going to question it anymore. He decides he will concentrate on making her happy and showing her every day how much he values her.
Thank you so much for reading, and please, review!