The Haphazard Ruse
"James, are you making a flambé?" Lily asked mildly. She was fairly sure how this story was going to play out, since the two of them went through the same drama every time they tried to make a meal.
"Oh crap!"
She followed him to the blazing skillet and tried, unsuccessfully, to peer around him to determine the damage. By the time James had pulled his wand out and gasped out the extinguishing spell, the almost-pudding had turned to a blackened, shriveled clot in the pan. "I'll get my coat."
Since James had moved into Lily's flat a fortnight beforehand, he had tried to cook ten different times, and each of those tries resulted in a fire, explosion, mysterious steam, or once, an emission of shrill screams from the fire alarm before he could even turn the stove on.
"Oh, no, you're not," James said moodily as he prodded the dubious-looking lump. "I'm going to get this right and we're both going to sit down at that damn table and eat like normal people. Millions of people do this, so we can too. Get out the drinking glasses."
Lily raised her eyebrows but wisely chose to remain silent. The first week had been an endless series of fights between the two of them, and most of the quarrels had been over the most trivial of matters, including who would let in the news owl. James had remained surprisingly calm through it all until day six when he suddenly exploded.
Very loud and heinous expletives flew from both of them and Lily had tried to turn him purple. After slapping the body bind and a silencing charm, James had informed her with deadly calm that he could easily leave if it was what she so desired and she could try to adopt Celeste on her own. He removed the spells and quickly walked out of the flat, leaving her to mull over her not-so-appealing options.
It did take her awhile to decide, but after some raging, a lot of property damage, and some tears, Lily made her choice. In the end, she decided she would have to put up with an intruder in her life until she could have Celeste again. At least James was a relatively safe and good looking intruder.
While she sent drinking glasses zooming about the kitchen and he started over on supper, they began a rather forced chat about the day's events. Unfortunately, it was all the distraction James needed to create another disaster. He caught a towel on fire, but he quickly threw it in the sink. An enormous whoosh sounded and a massive flame flared from the depths of the sink as the grease in skillet from the morning's attempt at bacon ignited.
For a moment, both James and Lily stared, wide-eyed at the blaze.
Then pandemonium reigned.
"Can you not even wash dishes?" James yelled, timidly trying to get his wand from near the sink.
"You dirty so many there is no way to catch up!"
"It was from breakfast!"
They continued screaming at each other for a few more moments until the fire gave a rather large pop and a knock sounded at the door to their flat. James hastily put out the fire and glared from Lily to the door. "If it's Millie, tell her to go home. I am not in the mood for her tonight."
"She's my friend, if you don't like it, you can just stuff it." Lily stalked to the door, half-hoping it was Millie just to annoy him, and opened it to an elderly wizard with a clipboard. "Can I help you?"
"Hello, Mrs. Potter?" At her nod, he continued, "I'm Archibald Regnery from the WCO. I understand you and your husband wish to adopt a child. I am here for a random home inspection; may I come in?"
Lily stared about blankly. The kitchen had great puffs of smoke coming out and James had successfully flipped over the coffee table on his dash to the kitchen. "Uhh, why not? You have caught us at a bad time, but I believe everything is safe."
Archibald Regnery gave her a startled look and warily entered the flat. She saw his eyes open wide as he observed the chaotic stare of her home.
"Who is it?" James yelled from the kitchen.
"Mr. Regnery from WCO!" Lily yelled in return. There was a rather audible breaking of glass, a curse, and then James came out with a tea towel flipped over his shoulder.
"Hello, I'm James Potter," he said with a bright smile on his face. Lily hoped it would counteract the dark smudge of blackened food. The two men vigorously shook hands and then they both took a long look around the room. James looked as if he wanted to nudge the table with his foot while Mr. Regnery looked vaguely interested.
"Have I caught you at a bad time?"
Lily opened her mouth to answer, but James jumped in, "I was just trying out a new recipe that Lily's sister sent us. Did you know that some Muggle ingredients don't react properly with magical ones? I flipped the table over when I was trying to get to the kitchen."
Lily knew for a fact that Petunia would rather starve than share recipes with James Potter.
Mr. Regnery, however, was blissfully unaware. "I have never tried a Muggle recipe, but I will inform my wife. So, does Mr. Potter do most of the cooking or is this a rare event?"
"Lily always gets up early to make me breakfast before I go to work, but I generally make dinner."
That was only a partial lie; in reality, Lily hauled her butt out of bed as James was finishing his shower to prepare breakfast. The morning meal generally consisted of a bowl of cereal with black toast.
"Our records indicate you do not currently work outside of the home. What, precisely, do you do all day, Mrs. Potter?"
By then, James and Mr. Regnery were sitting down and Lily was going to get tea. "Well, formerly, I took care of Celeste since she was too young to go to school. I would continue to do that if we got her back. In the mean time, I am trying to resume my normal life and tying loose ends I left."
When Lily returned, he continued aiming questions at her. "Do you plan to go back to work after your child begins school?"
"I plan to go back to work, but probably not as an active-duty personnel member. I have an interest in charms, so I might do something with that."
"Can you provide an emotionally nurturing home, even after what you have been through?"
"Definitely."
"Lily has progressed rapidly in a short time," James added.
"Excellent. Could I have a tour of your home?"
There wasn't a whole lot of a tour to be given, but Mr. Regnery was directed through the living room, dining room, kitchen, and given a glimpse of a child-proof loo.
"Where would a child sleep?"
James pushed open the door to the larger bedroom, but it was unmistakably littered with his belongings. With a sheepish smile, he said, "We're still trying to figure out where to put my things. So far, our house-hunt hasn't been too successful."
Of course, there was no house-hunt, and he had glossed over the fact that he was staying in that room separate from Lily.
"Are you looking for a residence in a specific area?"
"Not really. We just want a small city with a good café and better school." James was definitely good.
"If I hear about anything at the office, I'll let you two know." After some more goodbyes, Mr. Regnery gave a final wave and slipped out the door.
James and Lily took one look at each other, released a huge sigh, and flopped down on the couch.
"We are a couple of great liars," Lily said, not able to resist laughing.
"Tell me about it. I almost felt bad about it."
"Thank you, though." James started to shrug it off, but Lily stopped him, "I mean it, James. This means a lot to me."
"That's why I'm doing it," he answered. Before she knew what happened, he had brushed a quick kiss across her lips and practically glided to his room. "G'night, Lily, dear!"
Lily was left on the couch, seething.
Of course, she got revenge as best as she could the next morning. Lily could not do anything too mean, because frankly, James was too important to her Celeste-cause. However, she could safely forgo pouring him a bowl of cereal in the morning.
On the other hand, James took her stunt rather well. When he saw her sitting in the living room curled up with a bowl of cereal and reading the morning paper, he merely raised and eyebrow and toasted a few slices of bread.
He also kissed her on the way out again.
"You're really beginning to make me mad, Potter."
"Good. I imagine it's rather healthy for you to get riled up now and again."
*~*~*
A/N: Ha! Look who finished a chapter!
Hopefully it won't take me so long again, I'll try not to drag along so much.