Woo long chapter :)

The first thing I registered in the morning was the warmth of the sun, shining through the leaves on the trees.

The second, was that the sun was shining through the leaves on the trees.

Where was my ceiling?

It took a moment for me to remember how I'd ended up on the forest floor.

Damon...sex...running...hunting.

Right.

I stretched, then rolled over.

Damon was there, human once more, his eyes open, and alert.

He'd been awake for a while.

"Are you okay?" I asked, remembering the events that had led us here.

His gaze was intense, "That depends...any regrets about last night?"

I smiled sadly, "I always regret it."

"Yet you never say no," he reminded me.

My eyes didn't waver, "Does it matter? Neither of us can change, so..."

"I want to," he said, "I want to be better, Elena...but I need you."

I sighed, "Damon, I've told you-"

"I know, I know," he promised, "You have a life in New York that makes you happy. I got it. But you can't deny that this feels right too. You wouldn't keep coming back to me if it didn't."

"I try not to," I reminded him, propping up on my elbow.

"But you still do. That has to mean something."

I bit my lip, "Maybe it does. But maybe it doesn't. And in the end, it doesn't matter what it means. When this is all over, I'm still going back. I've never lied to you about that, and I don't plan to start."

"But while you're here?" He prodded.

I exhaled and sat up.

Leave it to Damon to start picking my brain before we'd even shaken the leaves from our hair.

I pulled my knees in close to me, before looking over at his waiting expression.

At least this, I could give to him straight.

"Mystic Falls will always be a home to me," I said, "Just like the Pack will always be my family. I've told you why I have to leave, why I can't stay. I don't expect you to understand what I like about New York."

"It's your other home now," he admitted simply.

I nodded, "It is. And it feels right. But being here feels right too. I can't deny that."

"But not right enough to stay," his eyes were on the ground.

I closed mine, "I can't change who I am, Damon, or what I want. And I'm not going to find it here."

"You never bothered looking," he accused, "So how could you know?"

"Don't start," I warned him, seeing where this was going.

Here it was.

The inevitable fight that would drive yet another wedge between us.

There had been so many over the years.

I remember so clearly.

It had been months after Damon returned from his banishment before I was even able to talk to him.

I was so angry, and still wallowing in all that I'd lost.

But he never stopped trying, and eventually we were able to be civil.

Then Alaric decided to have me join Damon in keeping tabs on the Mutts.

My primary job was making sure our existence stayed a secret, so a Mutt acting out tended to fall under that description.

We made a good team, Damon and I.

Despite my hating him, we still knew each other, so we worked better, me as the voice, Damon as the brute force that made them comply.

But then I messed up.

After a particularly nasty run in with a Mutt we were forced to execute, we decided to go back to a hotel, and rest, before going home to the Manor.

Adrenaline was pumping, alcohol was involved, and before I knew it, we were kissing.

If you could call it that.

We were devouring each other, taking out months of anger and frustration in bruises, blood, and orgasms.

That was the first night I slept in his arms, since turning.

He'd told me he loved me.

I had insisted that if that were the case, he never would have ruined my life.

We fought.

I told him that the sex had been a mistake.

But that didn't stop it from happening again, and again, and again.

We were drawn to each other in an intangible way that was too hard to fight.

But damned, if I didn't try, and it was such a tiring cycle.

I climbed to my feet, and Damon copied my action, reaching for my arm.

"Don't walk away. For once, stay and talk to me."

I sighed, pausing.

"What's the point, Damon?"

"The point is that I love you, Elena. The point is that I need you here, and you need the Pack. We're a family. I understand that you've made a life in New York, but for now, at least, you're right here, safe, with me."

"But I'm not staying-"

"Stop thinking about leaving," he told me, "Stop counting down days you have left, and just be here. You won't leave until this Mutt bullshit is at an end anyway, so there's no need for us to keep up this push pull thing we have going."

I crossed my arms, narrowing my eyes, "So what are you saying?"

"That you take a breath for five minutes," he stepped closer to me, "That you stop thinking about New York, until you're actually leaving, and forget that your time here isn't forever."

His hands came up to cup my face, "And for five fucking minutes, stop trying so hard to convince yourself that you hate me."

"I do hate you," I whispered.

"You're lying," he accused, "You're lying because of what it will mean to admit the truth."

Anger rose in my chest, and I shoved his hands away, "Fine, what's the truth then, Damon? That I loved you more than I ever thought was humanly possible? Then you risked my life, just so you could keep me!"

"I made a mistake-"

"YOU BIT ME!" I screamed at him, my throat thickening with unwanted tears, "I loved you, and you bit me. So no, maybe I don't hate you, maybe I can't fight what we have between us, but how dare you play the victim. You ruined my life..."

His blue eyes were hard, "Yes, Elena, I bit you. I turned you into a monster, because I'm selfish, and I'm madly in love with you, and I didn't want to lose you. I was reckless, and I took the choice away from you, but there's nothing I can do about that now."

He took a step closer to me, our bodies almost touching, "So you can keep up this rage, this hatefulness, or you can find a way to move on. There's nothing else I can do."

My gaze didn't waver, despite the tear that ran down my face, "I can't give you what you want."

His expression softened, and he lifted a hand to my cheek, wiping the tear away, "I know."

"And I can't forgive you...it's just...it's too big, Damon."

"I know," he was pulling me into him, and I didn't have the strength to fight.

His lips pressed into mine, and I found comfort in his touch.

I hated it.

He was ripping me apart and holding me together all at the same time.

The universe aligning and exploding simultaneously, and one day, it would kill me.

But not today.

Today, Damon's lips are hot against mine, and my arms are wrapping around his shoulders, bringing him even closer.

Universe be damned.

His hands moved down to my ass, and lifted me, my legs wrapping around him.

It didn't take long for him to take us down, my back hitting the ground softly.

I inhaled as Damon sat up, and his hungry eyes grazed across my body.

He was radiating anger, and lust, and something told me that he was dying to mark me again.

To try to prove to us both that I belonged here, with him.

Calloused hands ran up my thighs and over my stomach, brushing against my sensitive breast, and settled under my neck as he leaned back over my body.

Damon kissed me again, harder this time, following the path of his hands, down my body.

"I've missed this," he breathed, palming one of my breast, and taking the other into his mouth.

I arched into him, every part of my body on fire at the sensation.

He switched breast then, and let his hand fall between my legs.

He teased the edge for a moment, then slipped his finger inside.

A growl came from the back of his throat, "So wet for me..."

I couldn't deny it, of course.

"Good," Damon continued, "That's very good."

His teeth nipped lightly at my collarbone as he pushed another finger inside of me.

When he began pumping in and out, I felt my need for release shiver through me, and moaned.

"Damon..." I pleaded, my voice thick with lust.

"What, kitten? What do you want me to do?"

"More," I whimpered, giving in, as I moved against his hand now.

I hated being at his mercy, but god, did he know the right buttons to push.

Damon kissed my neck, "More here?"

I managed to shake my head.

"Here?" he asked, moving his mouth to my breast again.

I let out a groan at his teasing.

"How about here?" he forced a third finger inside me and my back arched off the ground.

"Yeah," he smirked, "That's where you want me, isn't it, Elena?"

He hadn't talked to me this way in years, but as he did, it was hard to believe that his voice wasn't made to say my name like that.

I didn't want to give into him so easily, but I almost cried out when he slid his fingers from me.

"Tell me where you want me," Damon ordered, using his knuckles to brush my clit instead.

Was he seriously demanding submission right now?

"Damon, please, just-"

"Ah, ah, ah," his gaze held mine, "Tell me, first."

He blew on one erect nipple, making me squirm.

I groaned, giving in, "Inside me, Damon, please. I want you inside me."

He smirked, "Good girl."

He settled down between my legs, our bodies molding together perfectly.

God, I had to have him.

And I hated it.

Hated how badly I wanted him.

And that he knew it.

I brought his head back down to mine, reconnecting our lips as Damon aligned himself at my entrance.

He lifted slightly, "You're still so beautiful."

I leaned into his shoulder.

The sex I could do, but listening to him love me...I couldn't, "Damon please, I need you in me, now."

He smirked, "Patience, kitten. We're getting there."

He teased my entrance with the head of his cock.

"Damon," I panted, trying to raise my hips against him, looking for friction.

He kissed up the side of my neck until he reached my ear.

"I love watching you beg for me," he whispered, sending chills down my spine, and a fire right to my core, "I love hearing my name on your lips."

He pushed into me then, the thrust taking him all the way to the hilt.

I cried out at the intrusion, as my body once again stretched to accommodate the size of him.

Immediately, he began sliding out, and pushing back into me, each thrust increased his speed, until he planted his arms on the ground on either side of my head and let his hips swing freely.

I met his eyes as he drove into me, and had the sudden urge to cry.

Because I realized then, with more clarity than ever, that he was right.

This could never feel wrong.

Damon was everything I'd been missing, everything I'd always wanted, had come so close to having.

He knew me, in ways that no one else did, and all the feelings I had been pushing back washed over me.

Damon never treated me like glass.

Had never doubted my strength.

If anything, he had too much faith in it, as it had apparently been what convinced him that I could survive the Change.

He knew that I could take anything he threw at me.

And he wasn't afraid to call me out on my shit.

I didn't realize how much I appreciated that about him, until this moment.

As my orgasm built up and exploded out of me, a silent tear fell.

Because for the first time in so long, I knew exactly what I wanted.

What I needed.

What I couldn't have.

Because I couldn't let him win.

I couldn't let the risk he took mean absolutely nothing by giving him exactly what he wanted.

But Damon was right, I didn't have to keep reminding myself that I was supposed to hate him.

We were beyond that at least.

And with the Pack being targeted, anything could happen.

So for five minutes, I could forget New York, and everything waiting for me there.

For five minutes, I could try to forget what Damon did to me.

For five minutes, we could pretend to have what we used to.

Damon's body shuttered as he climaxed, and I held him through the tremors.

He rolled off of me once the aftershocks died, and pulled me into his side.

His fingers stroked my cheek, in a content, lazy way.

His eyes shone with the love I'd so often denied accepting.

Again, tears welled in my eyes, and Damon brushed them away, neither of us saying a word.

It wasn't fair.

Because in his gaze, I saw everything that we could have had...and it was only mine for the next five minutes.

Eventually, we pulled away from each other long enough to realize we should probably get back to the house and shower.

Then eat something.

Then see what Alaric wanted us to do.

But as Damon pulled me to my feet, he offered another idea.

"You know, the creek isn't too far from here, if you wanted to forgo the shower."

I considered the idea.

It certainly beat having to go face reality.

"I'll race you," I challenged.

Damon chuckled, "Fine, but loser cooks breakfast."

"Deal."

We took off, using our sense of smell to track the running water.

I won, but barely, running at the creek ledge with too much force to stop in time.

So instead, I dived, shivering as the cool water hit every inch of my bare skin.

Kicking my feet, I broke the surface, and wiped my eyes.

Damon was smirking from the bank.

"Feel good?"

I smirked, "Why don't you come find out for yourself."

He grinned, then dived, his body causing ripples across the water.

He surfaced a few feet from me, and swam over.

"Can you reach?" I asked.

Damon stood still, the water coming to his neck, "You can't?"

I shook my head.

Damon reached over, pulling me into his arms, and I wrapped my legs around him.

Despite being naked, there was no sexual drive in either of us as we held each other, floating through the water.

Just enjoying our time together.

I bit my lip, making up my mind then not to fight what I was feeling.

Before I could talk myself out of it, I took the initiative, and grabbed Damon's face, kissing him.

When I pulled away, his surprise was evident.

"Five minutes," I told him, "If that's what you want...but that has to be it. That's my condition. Once it's over, it's over, and I go back to New York. You don't follow me, you don't try to find me."

I watched the struggle in his expression, him both wanting to give in and take what I was offering, but also wanting to refuse giving me up.

"Elena-"

"Five minutes, Damon."

He exhaled, "I don't know."

"You don't have to decide this second, but you do have to choose," I said, relaxing back into him.

We were silent for a moment, before I decided to come clean with everything.

"You should know," I said quietly, "if we do this, that I'm seeing someone. Back in New York."

Damon nodded, "I know."

I pulled back and looked at him, "You do?"

He gave me a look, "Kitten, I may have trouble relating with humans, but I'm not an idiot. And I know you. I don't care."

I narrowed my gaze, "Why?"

Damon looked at me, "You aren't in love with him."

I blinked, "You can't know that."

"Fine, then tell me I'm wrong."

I swallowed, "Damon-"

"Are you?"

"I...I love him, yeah."

"That's not what I asked," he pointed out, softly.

I was silent for a beat.

Then, "No. No, I'm not in love with him. But he's important to me, and he makes me happy."

Damon didn't say anything.

"I want to be in love with him," I answered honestly, "More than anything, but...I can't. He's just...he's not-"

"Me," Damon finished.

He wasn't saying it to be conceded or cruel.

It was because he knew me, he knew our nature.

And because it was the truth.

I nodded, "He's not you."

Damon didn't ask to me elaborate, and he didn't push the point.

He knew exactly what was going through my mind.

That his choices were the reason I could never have him.

I wonder if he was running through our conversation from earlier as well.

Silence fell for a moment.

"If I could go back..." He trailed off.

I nodded, "But you can't."

His eyes met mine, "And you'll never forgive me."

Again, just a simple truth being stated.

I dropped my head into his neck, and he drew circles on my back.

I didn't have to answer him.

We both knew where we stood, and how this would inevitably end.

Damon exhaled deeply.

"I know you don't understand," he said, stroking my skin, "But I really did do what I did because I love you."

I closed my eyes, running his words over, "Maybe that's the problem."

I flinched, even as I said the words, and Damon tensed.

"You don't mean that."

I sighed, "I know."

He didn't respond.

Maybe there was nothing left to say on the matter.

But after a few we let go of each other and began swimming.

By the time he was dunking me, the conversation had been pushed from our minds, and we were nearly having fun.

It was easier, when pretending your problems didn't exist.

Sooo things got a little heated lol.

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