"S-SANS, WHAT IS IT?!" Papyrus asked, starting to get rather freaked out at the way his brother was staring at him. Sans couldn't tear his eyes away from the lanky skeleton's abdomen, where that glowing blue heart-shaped soul now rested. Oh, he knew exactly what it was, but what could he possibly tell Papyrus? 'Congratulations, bro! You're gonna have a baby! Oh, by the way, it's our dad!' On top of the indescribable level of awkwardness that would produce, there was still the fact that he'd never quite gotten around to giving Papyrus an honest, adult answer to the ever-dreaded question 'where do baby monsters come from?' Hell, he was probably still under the impression that Santa dropped them off to their parents on Christmas. He had a feeling he was seriously going to regret that little bit of laziness.
"u-uhhh… i-it doesn't hurt, does it?" he asked, remembering the gargantuan amount of pain he'd been in when he tried to impregnate himself with Gaster's soul. Papyrus merely shook his head.
"N-NO. BUT… I DO FEEL A LITTLE NAUSEOUS…" he replied, his brothers questioning clearly making him a little more nervous about the whole situation. Sans very gently poked at the surface of the barrier, causing Papyrus to squirm a little. The barrier seemed stable, at least. But how the hell did the soul end up inside Papyrus of all places? It had to have been placed there deliberately. Souls didn't just sprout legs and waltz right into someone's abdomen, and he couldn't imagine his brother doing this to himself. It was odd, though… This barrier definitely was the work of the lanky skeleton. He could tell that much from just feeling the magic in it. Had he erected it instinctively somehow? Was that why all of this happened, why his body had rejected the soul last night? Was Papyrus's body simply naturally suited to this sort of thing, where his was not?
Suddenly, before any further questioning could take place, the bedroom door flew violently off the hinges. Undyne stood there, leg still raised in kicking position, glaring at the two skeletons within.
"Hey, what's the big deal ditchin' me?! You think I'm gonna take that shit from a pair of twerps like—"
Undyne froze mid-insult, her eye locking onto the glowing contents of Papyrus's midsection. The aforementioned skeleton was a bit too slow in recovering from the shock of the intrusion, hastily pulling his sweater down after it was far too late. The Royal Guard rushed forward, yanking the front of Papyrus's sweater up and pulling a startled yelp out of him in the process. She stared at it for a long moment. Then, she slowly turned that stare over to Sans, her eye twitching lightly.
"The fuck is this?!" she demanded, though something told Sans that she wasn't nearly as clueless as to what it was as Papyrus had clearly been. Sans could only reply with a nervous grin and a shrug of his shoulders. Undyne narrowed her eye at him almost accusatorily. When she got no answer to satisfy her, she hooked an arm around Papyrus's waist and hoisted him up under her arm as though he were a sack of flour. The smaller of the two skeletons cringed at how seemingly rough she was being with his brother.
"h-hey, what d'you think you're doing?!" he called out as the Royal Guard darted out of the room with Papyrus in hand.
"I'm takin' him ta Alphys!" Undyne called back, never slowing her pace to allow the other to catch up with her. Sans cursed under his breath at that, running after the two as fast as his short legs would carry him. This crap was already weird enough as it was, he didn't need more people getting involved in this!
Dr. Alphys hadn't moved from where the two other monsters had left her earlier. She was still sitting in front of her computer in her pajamas, watching anime and munching on potato chips. All in all, she was having a lovely evening. Well, until the distinct sound of a door being kicked in echoed throughout the lab. She let out a sigh, setting aside her chips and pausing her video.
"S-seriously, Undyne, can't you open the door like a n-normal person for once? I-I'm getting tired of fixing that…" she commented with her usual nervous grin, honestly hoping the sea sprite would take it as a joke. Judging from how much of a hurry she was in, however, she may not have heard at all. Undyne merely plunked a rather dizzy-looking Papyrus in front of her, lifting his sweater and pointing a shaking finger at his glowing abdomen.
"Fix it!" she shouted harshly with no further explanation. Alphys's eyes widened, her glasses sliding down her nose a bit. She'd been asked to fix a lot of things in her life, but this was certainly a new one. Then, she started fiddling with her fingers, abruptly letting out a nervous laugh.
"I-I guess I'll go, umm… I-I'll go get m-my equipment…" she replied meekly before hastily trotting off. It wasn't until after Alphys disappeared into another part of the lab that Sans finally ran in, out of breath and panting from his mad chase after that dastardly kidnapper. He made his way breathlessly over to where the two stood, wanting to make sure the crazy fish lady hadn't inadvertently hurt his brother or his… err... 'baby'… Okay, yeah, that was a thought that was going to take some serious getting used to.
Papyrus didn't seem to be in the mood to greet his brother upon his arrival. He was currently propping himself up against Undyne's shoulder, his free hand clamped tightly over his mouth as though he were ready to puke any second. A mischievous grin spread itself across Sans's face. Well now, here was a chance to get a bit of quick revenge in on Undyne for stealing his brother away like this. It might come at the cost of said brother's comfort at the moment, but that was hanging by a thread anyway, by the looks of him. He gave Papyrus a gentle tap against the side, which was enough to pull a muffled whine of protest out of him.
"hey, bro, what does a drunk dog say?"
"OH MY GOD, SANS, DON'T YOU DARE—"
"barf barf barf!"
It was about at that moment when Alphys re-entered the room, cringing as the sound of retching greeted her.
"Ngyaaah! Gross! All over my boots?! Really?!"
"S-SORRY…"
Alphys let out a sigh. Well, there was another mess she had to clean up…
"L-look, why don't you just sit him down in the desk chair there… A-and make sure to keep the w-waste bin nearby."
Undyne, still grumbling about the mess on her shoes, led Papyrus over to the chair and plopped him down in it. She backed up a bit, letting Alphys kneel next to the still rather nauseous-looking skeleton.
"So, can ya fix him?" the sea sprite asked as she watched the Royal Scientist scan Papyrus's abdomen with some unidentifiable device.
"I-I'm not exactly sure how you expect me to 'fix' a pregnancy. I-it's kind of a little late for that."
"WAIT…" Papyrus interrupted, sitting bolt upright and furrowing his brows. "WHAT'S 'PREGNANCY?' IS THAT BAD? IS IT CONTAGIOUS?!"
Both women could do nothing but stare at the lanky skeleton. Was he serious? Did he really not know, or was this just a really bad attempt at a joke? The genuinely confused look on his face more or less eliminated the latter option. Sans stepped forward at this point, resting a hand on his brother's shoulders to halt any further naïve questions.
"it's okay, papy. i'll, uhh… I'll just give ya the short version fer now." he said before leaning over to whisper in the other's ear, too embarrassed to explain it aloud with an audience present. Papyrus listened in silence as it was hastily explained to him. Suddenly, his eyes went wide, his mouth hanging open in shock.
"W-WAIT! THAT'S WHERE BABIES COME FROM?!" he exclaimed, staring down at himself with renewed horror. "B-BUT…! Y-YOU SAID SANTA—"
"yeah, about that… the whole 'santa bringin' people babies' thing is kinda bullshit… sorry, bro." Sans replied, giving him an apologetic smile. Papyrus could only stare in utter shock, as though his entire world had been turned upside-down.
"TH-THEN… THEN HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!"
"I-I don't think I've ever hear a more appropriate question posed in my life." Alphys added softly.
"Yeah, how 'bout you explain that one to us, smart guy?" Undyne more demanded than requested, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at the shorter of the two skeletons. Sans suddenly felt all eyes on him as everyone in the room waited for an answer, including Papyrus. He let out a nervous chuckle, shrugging his shoulders slightly.
"w-well, y'know… us skeletons don't really follow the normal rules of biology and everything, so… w-we rely more on our magic for this kind of stuff! yeah! s-so, if we don't keep a good hold of our magic, li'l 'accidents' like this can happen. heh… i-i mean, for all i know, this coulda happened because of a, uhhh… a naughty dream he had or something."
There was a long silence that seemed to stretch on into eternity. Both Alphys and Undyne were staring hard at him, as though he must be absolutely crazy if he expected them to believe something like that. Not the explanation itself, mind you. Crazier things than that had happened, after all. It was the part about Papyrus being capable of having an erotic dream that they couldn't fathom. Undyne opened her mouth to mention as much, but someone beat her to it.
"S-SO… SO IT MUST HAVE HAPPENED THE NIGHT BEFORE LAST!" Papyrus exclaimed in sudden realization. The disbelieving stares all shifted towards the lanky skeleton, Sans included.
"i'm sorry… what?" the shorter skeleton asked. Had he heard that right? That story about wet dreams possibly causing surprise babies was some of the most random bullshit he'd ever pulled out of his ass. He honestly hadn't expected Papyrus to have actually…
"Hold on a second!" Undyne interjected. "Are you serious right now, or is this some kind of joke?! Did you really have a dirty dream?!"
"'DIRTY?!'" Papyrus repeated in a tone that suggested such a comment was the understatement of the century. "IT WAS POSITIVELY FILTHY! THE NAUGHTIEST DREAM YOU CAN IMAGINE! ABSOLUTELY SCANDELOUS! THOUGH, I'LL ADMIT, IT GOT PRETTY HOT AND STEAMY THERE FOR A WHILE…"
And that's about where Sans felt he wanted to get off this bullet train to Weirdsville.
"o-okay, thanks a million for the confirmation, bro! i-i think we've all heard enough!"
"N-no!"
The chorus of dissent from the other two was enough to throw Sans completely off his game. He could do nothing but stare as the two women crowded around his brother, more or less shoving him to the side.
"Keep talkin', Papyrus! I wanna know what kinda 'dirty dream' that cinnamon roll brain of yours could possibly come up with!" Undyne ordered as sternly as ever, though there was a distinct darkening to the color of her cheeks.
"Y-yes, a-and please go into as much d-detail as possible! I-it could be important! F-for science!" Alphys chimed in, pulling out a small notepad from inside her lab coat that was clearly marked 'fanfiction ideas' in glittery pink gel pen. Papyrus looked between the two for a moment, a light blush of embarrassment coloring his cheeks.
"W-WELL, IF YOU INSIST… I DREAMT THAT I WAS FINALLY INVITED TO BE ON METTATON'S COOKING SHOW. OH, I WAS SO EXCITED! NOT ONLY WAS I FINALLY RECOGNIZED FOR MY CULINARY GENIUS, BUT I ALSO GOT TO BE ON TV WITH MY IDOL! WE WERE MAKING MY WORLD-FAMOUS SPAGHETTI, OF COURSE! THEN… THEN IT HAPPENED! I-I WAS MIXING THE MARINARA SAUCE WHEN..! WH-WHEN..!"
The two women seemed to lean in even further at this dramatic pause, practically drooling at the tension. Sans, however, was busy plugging his ears with his fingers and trying his hardest not to hear. Finally, Papyrus threw his head back, resting the back of his hand dramatically against his forehead.
"I SPILLED THE POT OF SAUCE ALL OVER THE TWO OF US! OH, IT WAS SUCH A MESS THE LIKES OF WHICH YOU COULDN'T IMAGINE! HOT TOMATO SAUCE EVERYWHERE, AND ALL ON LIVE TELEVISION! I'D NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASED IN MY LIFE! TH-THEN, METTATON, COVERED HEAD TO TOE IN THE STEAMING SAUCE, TURNED TO ME AND SAID 'IT'S QUITE ALRIGHT, DARLING! I HAVE THE PERFECT THING FOR CLEANING UP A MESS LIKE THIS!' SO HE GOT OUT A COUPLE OF MOPS AND WE CLEANED IT UP."
There was a long moment of silence after the conclusion of the story, as though no one believed that could really be the end. Sans couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief. He should have known better than to think his little brother even knew what a wet dream was… He supposed he was just getting paranoid lately. The other two, alternatively, looked rather disappointed.
"W-wait… Th-that's it..?" Alphys groaned out in disappointment. She then let out a sigh, scratching out what she had written in her notebook and replacing it into its pocket inside her lab coat. Undyne, however, suddenly let out a roar of laughter, hooking an arm around Papyrus's neck and locking his head under her arm.
"Hah hah hah! You dumbass! I knew it!" she chuckled out, giving the top of his skull a good noogie. Sans was quite content to chuckle along even as his brother protested the sea sprite's odd method of showing affection, but he was pulled out of the moment when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked up to see Alphys standing next to him.
"H-hey, can I talk with you? Y-y'know… in private?"
Sans furrowed his brows, his smile flicking away from his face. He wasn't sure he liked the sudden serious tone the Royal Scientist had taken. He followed Alphys into the next room, leaving the other two to occupy themselves with whatever ridiculousness they wished. The scientist turned to him the moment the door was closed behind them.
"O-okay, are you gonna come clean, o-or am I gonna have to do it for you?" she asked in that same serious tone as before. Sans merely arched a brow, never dropping his poker face.
"i'd hafta know what i'm coming clean about first, now don't i?"
"D-don't play dumb! I-I already know what you've been up to, s-so hiding it is useless!"
Sans froze at that, his hands clenching where they rested inside his hoodie pockets. So she knew, did she? Perhaps trusting her with that security camera was a bad idea after all. It seemed his initial impression of Dr. Alphys had been a bit of an underestimation. She wasn't nearly as good as his father, but she was more perceptive than he'd given her credit for. So, what was all this, then? Blackmail? 'Do what I want or I tell the entire Underground about what you really are and what you really do?'
"that's a pretty bold claim. you got any evidence to back you up, or are ya just going by gut instinct?" he replied, a slight grin returning to his face. It wasn't his normal grin. There was something a little more threatening about it. Alphys seemed unperturbed.
"I-I scanned Papyrus. O-or did you f-forget about that? I-it's pretty obvious how that happened, e-even if you won't tell him."
Sans' eyes widened at that. So she even knew about Gaster's soul?! But how was that possible? Did this sneaky little dinosaur have cameras in his lab as well? How much of his sensitive information had leaked out this way, and all under his nose? The information in his lab… It could be very dangerous in the wrong hands. He highly doubted that Alphys's were the right hands, considering what she kept hidden away in her own basement. Sans's expression darkened, his left eye glowing a dangerously bright cyan. He really hated to do this to someone he considered a friend, but he just couldn't let his secret get out…
"L-look, I'd just like to know how long you two have been doing this stuff together."
Sans froze just before he managed to pull his hand from his pocket, his eyes widening and the blue glow in them disappearing in an instant.
"umm… what..?"
"O-oh, c'mon, Sans! I-I already told you I knew! I-I mean, more than half of that magic behind his barrier is yours! What else could it be?!"
At that point Sans could do little more than stare back at Alphys with a look of complete aghast horror. Did she… Did she seriously think he'd knocked up his own brother?! He had to resist the urge to puke at the very thought!
Unfortunately, he suddenly found himself in one of the most awkward conundrums he could ever imagine. He could fess up and tell her the truth, tell her that it was all a misunderstanding, that the only reason that soul had his magic around it was because of his own failed attempt at carrying it before it somehow wound up inside Papyrus. There was no way he could do that, though. It would expose him, expose everything he'd spent the last twenty years trying to hide. Then again, what was the alternative? Could he really bear to let her think that he was some incestuous pervert who took advantage of his naïve little brother to get his rocks off? He lost hard in either case. He took a deep breath. He supposed all he could do at this point was pick the slightly lesser of two evils and play damage control from there.
"o-okay, ya caught me… s'just like ya said… i-i didn't tell 'im what we were really doin', a-and…" he had to pause for a moment to choke back the bile that was rising in the back of his throat at such a disgusting lie. "i-it just kinda… y-y'know… happened… s-so, uhhh… how about we just keep this between you and me?"
Alphys folded her arms across her chest, arching a brow at him.
"N-now why would I do that? Just to let some pervert save face? Y-you're gonna have to try harder than that!"
"look, i'm not askin' for myself, i'm askin' for papy! you know how he is! all he ever wanted was to be popular, and if something like this gets out, it'll just destroy him! c'mon, he doesn't need this shit right now, he's gonna have it hard enough as it is! s-so you can't tell anyone, not even him!"
Alphys seemed to consider him silently as he made his desperate plea, her fingers drumming lightly against her arm in thought. Finally, she let out a sigh of defeat.
"O-oh, alright… B-but only because Papyrus doesn't need the extra stress right now! A-after that kid's born, you gotta come clean to him, though! He deserves to know eventually!"
"r-right, gotcha! totally gonna do that!" Sans replied, already halfway out the door. He was quite eager to leave at the first opportunity he saw. The sooner he didn't have to talk about this subject anymore, the better. He didn't know how much longer he could contain the intense nausea it gave him.
Sans had quickly gathered Papyrus and headed back home after that, his face still flushed blue in utter embarrassment. He knew Undyne's little stunt would make matters worse for him, but who knew just how much worse it could have possibly gotten? He knew he was going to be dreading running into Alphys for the rest of his life, knowing she was going to give him 'that look' and remind him of this whole ordeal all over again.
The two skeletons had hardly left Hotland when Sans felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He pulled it out, discovering that he'd just received a text message from Alphys. He barely got through half of it before he had to cringe internally.
'Oh, I almost forgot! No sex until after he's had the baby! ;-)'
Sans couldn't stop a shudder of revolt from rattling down his bones at that.
"uggh… i think i'm gonna hurl…"
"D-DON'T YOU START THAT AGAIN!"