It felt as if every molecule of air had been sucked out Elizabeth's lungs. She couldn't speak, all she could do was stare at him. Images flashed through her mind, of killings and more killings and Sam Winchester causing it all, and then Dean. It didn't fit and it had to be wrong, it just had to be wrong.
"Please say something." Dean said.
The air was back in her lungs. "He's your brother." She repeated, still breathless.
"My little brother." Dean confirmed.
Elizabeth pressed the button for the elevator. The doors opened and she stepped in, Dean made to follow her but she stopped him with a raised hand.
"Please, I, I need to think, just, please take the next one."
The last thing she saw was Dean's face looking like a wounded animal.
She leaned her head against the cool metal once the doors closed. The images wouldn't stop. Sam was his brother! What the hell did that say about Dean? He hadn't told her. She had let him in, let him get closer than anyone ever had, and he had kept a damning piece of himself from her!
The door opened and she rushed through the lobby and outside. There were the cars of people who were leaving and thankfully the rest of the camp was empty. The new crop of recruits would arrive the following week. She cut across the yard and onto the path that led through the woods. She found the river easily enough this time, after months of drills in and around it, and sat down on a large boulder. She tucked her knees into her chest, letting herself think.
He could have told her so many times. Hell even today or yesterday when it was definite that he had the clearance. He had lied all those times she had allowed herself to be open with him.
It was about an hour as her mind pursued this train of thought when she heard someone approaching. Instinctively she knew it was Dean.
"Go away." She said still looking at the water.
"I won't do that." Dean said and he moved to stand in front of her. He didn't say anything but looked at her and Elizabeth wouldn't let herself to speculate what the pain in his eyes meant.
"So, talk then." Elizabeth said uncurling herself. "You might as well be honest now."
Dean looked like he wanted to argue, but he stopped. "I was born Dean Winchester. Sam Winchester is my younger brother; we also had a younger sister Jo." He began.
They'd grown up knowing the meaning of hunger. Their family had been poor. John Winchester, their father, scratched a living as a mechanic and worked as a welder in the city factory. Their mother, Mary, had struggled to stretch enough food for two growing boys and a younger sister who followed them everywhere. Despite this, they were happy. This was before the war, when there was a North, South, East, and West. They resided in the West and the children were too young to understand the threats that loomed over their heads. It had been a bright, clear day when their world had changed.
"Sam, Dean! Wait for me!" Jo shouted as they ran through the long grass that grew outside their house. It was a small haven in the city that a lot of the neighborhood kids liked to take advantage of. However, today it was strangely empty. She was just turning eight and looked more like their mother. Dean was the tallest of the group at fourteen and took the most after his father. Sam was ten and a more balanced mixture of the two. The boys had stopped to let her catch up; they had promised to show her the bird nest they had found. Dean gave her a boost so she could look at the branch. A mother bird had settled into the twigs and down and if she had moved, they would have seen three speckled eggs.
"Look at her wings." Jo breathed, "She's like an angel." Dean laughed and put her down. They began to wander around the yard as usual. Sometimes they made up games, sometimes they just talked, Jo always flanked by her two brothers. However, the serene calm of the afternoon was shattered by Mary calling them. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence for the siblings, however today, even from this distance they could hear a panicked note in her voice. They all hurried back to the house. Mary was at the screen door waiting for them as they came in. The television was on and the kids saw behind her the pictures of soldiers marching down streets. Mary hurried to turn the TV off.
"Go into the kitchen." Mary said. Sam and Jo obediently went ahead but Dean didn't move.
"Mom, what's going on?" Dean asked. He had heard rumors of the North in school but none of the kids really paid it much mind. Mary hesitated and then hugged him hard. He returned it and that was a moment he kept with him forever.
"Your father will be home soon, we're going to pack up and leave. We have to get out before they get here. Can you help me?" She asked. Dean nodded. They went into the kitchen and Mary began to pack the food they would need into a box.
"C'mon Sammy." Dean said taking him upstairs. Jo followed them.
"What's going on?" Sam asked.
"We've got to leave. The North is coming and we can't stay here." He tried not to let his siblings know how scared he was. He knew they looked up to him and would follow his lead.
"Why not?" Jo asked, her lip trembled despite Dean's efforts.
"Because they'll make us be like those soldiers on TV, not just marching, but hurting people. We won't seem Mom or Dad again." He said getting impatient with questions he didn't want to contemplate the answers to.
Jo looked like she was about to cry. Dean put his arm around her.
"But, that's not going to happen to us, we're getting out. Go pack some clothes and one toy. Can you do that for me?"
Jo nodded and hurried off to her room.
Sam and Dean went to the room they shared and each of them began to throw some clothes into a shared suitcase. They worked in silence until Sam spoke up,
"Do you think we'll make it out?" He asked quietly.
"We have Dad, we can get out fine." Dean said with more confidence then he felt. He saw the line upon line of soldiers in his mind. Within ten minutes they were done and they found Jo sitting on the staircase with her suitcase. Dean opened to make sure she had everything she needed and then they went downstairs. There was the box of food and Mary was taking photographs out of frames to put into the box with it. The stillness that had been that afternoon had shattered and a loud gunshot slashed the air. All four of them jumped.
"It's alright, it's not that close." Mary said smiling but Dean could see her hands were trembling. She kept walking by the window, and Dean knew she was looking for John. He noticed one picture Mary had forgotten, it was of him, Sam and Jo last spring. He took it out of the frame and slipped it into his jacket. Screams had begun to fill the air with more gunshots and Dean knew it was a matter of time before they couldn't wait for their father any longer and they would have to run.
At that moment their old battered truck came careening down the street and Mary had them all outside before John was even able to get out.
"We've got everything." Mary said as they all climbed in. She placed Jo between her and John and Dean and Sam had the back seat.
"The south entrance was cut off by the time I got here, I don't know how much longer they're going to allow the radio to broadcast. We're going to get as far east as we can." John said gunning the engine.
Sam and Dean snuck peeks outside of the window; the streets were crowded as people fled, lugging belongings with them. Not all of them were as frugal as Mary had been, they saw whole dressers, and kitchenware falling out of boxes as people rushed through the streets. As they moved along the road became more and more packed, it seemed everyone who could was trying to avoid the onslaught of soldiers. People began to scratch at the windows and climbing into the back of the truck, begging to be taken along.
"Get the hell off!" John shouted out the window. Jo gave a whimper. John began to gun the engine, forcing people out of the way. The caravan of cars in front of them made slow progress and then it stopped all together. The crowds of people, moments ago so desperate to get into the truck, backed off and began to flee. Sam and Dean craned their necks and finally understood why. Soldiers were coming down on either side of the car, inspecting, looking at papers. A few cars in front of them they saw the soldiers pull an old man from his car. It was as if in slow motion they saw him raise the gun, the shot split the air and the blood smeared the side of the green car.
"Sam, Dean get down!" John said. Both boys ducked without a second thought. There was a slight rustle and Mary had lowered Jo over the backseat between them. They made room for her; she was hiccupping from trying not to sob.
"Shh, it's okay Jo." Sam whispered grabbing her hand, Dean took the other.
"Papers." A clipped voice said. They all froze. There was a rustling.
"It's just me and my wife." They heard John say.
"Shut up." The soldier barked.
There was rustling and then the sound of things being shaken against cardboard and scattered onto the street below.
"Get out of the car!" The voice ordered.
"Hey, wait a second here." John said.
There were sounds of struggle. Mary screamed.
"Get your hands off of her!" John shouted. Then there was a deafening shot and then the sound of their mother screaming. On and on she screamed then there was another shot, and then silence. The unthinkable had happened and Dean would have jumped over the seats had Jo not clung to him like a vice. He looked over her head into Sam's eyes and they both knew there was absolutely nothing more they could do.
"Check the rest of the car." The voice spoke again.
The door opened and a hand grabbed Sam by the scruff of his neck out of the car, followed by Jo and finally a struggling Dean.
"Let go of my sister!" Sam said trying to get away from the solider.
"They've got spunk." Someone commented.
"Put them with the other boys and girls."
They were herded off into a small crowd of children. Dean turned his eyes back to the car and saw two prostrate figures in the front seat. His stomach churned and he threw up onto the boots of the solider in front of him.
"We were all taken." Dean said, "Me, Sam…Jo" His voice broke. Elizabeth, stayed put but, her heart was truly breaking for him.
"Only Sam and I made it all the way North, they trained us and they beat us, and every day I told myself I would protect Sammy. I had to protect Sammy. And then one day, I couldn't anymore and he was gone. I escaped and he didn't come with me and I had to give up everything in order to move on. And I can't, I just can't because I see his face every day and I can't help but still see that brother I left behind. I was supposed to save him." Tears had filled his eyes and emptied down his cheeks.
"So that's it, I failed my parents, I failed Jo, and I failed Sam. I hid it from you because I can't leave it behind in the past."
"That's awful Dean, it really is, and I'm sorry it happened to you. But what am I supposed to think of you now? How am I supposed to feel?" Elizabeth asked angrily. She stood and began pacing. "I told you everything; I told you how scared I was I was going to fail. I told you how scared I was that I wasn't going to be good enough. I told you everything! All the things I would never tell anyone else here. Did you think I would have judged you? Did you think I couldn't be trusted? That I would just let everyone know something like that?" She said her voice getting more and more hysterical.
Dean turned around but didn't look at her.
"You hid it from me, and that's what hurts. That I put everything out for you to see, I trusted in you and you still felt like I wouldn't understand!"
"Yeah I hid it from you!" Dean snapped turning around, "I hid it from everyone!"
"But why from me? Why did you have to hide it from me?" Elizabeth shouted back.
"Because he's my brother! It was my job to take care of him! And Jo! I guess I failed on both counts huh?"
"I don't blame you for what he's done Dean! It's not your fault what your brother is, what he's done!" She took a shuddering breath. "And I would never blame you like you blame yourself for Sam and your sister. You were 14 years old, you can't put that on yourself." Elizabeth said quietly. Tears were swimming in her eyes now. She knew what she had to do and it hurt like hell.
"We should step back." She said quietly. "I can't trust you now, and I need to trust you for this mission. This wasn't something small to keep from me Dean, his is major. Just, don't come to me anymore and I won't go to you and we'll work as if we were nothing but fellow soldiers. You're my mentor."
Dean folded his arms against his chest but is face didn't match his posture.
"You really want this?" Dean asked and he looked so vulnerable Elizabeth felt the tears break the dam in her eyes. She shook her head.
"No. I really don't, but I need it. I just can't trust you with that part of me now." She said, then she saluted him.
"Goodbye sir." She said and she turned and walked down the path. If he had followed her, begged her not to do this, she would have stopped in a heartbeat but, he stood there letting her go.
The next few weeks were a blur. She trained, she moved out of the bunker into the single female apartments, she trained, she slept, she trained, she followed Dean's orders, she trained, she didn't think about Dean (she failed), and she trained.
Olivia came to do work twice a week and Elizabeth was glad to escape the office with Dean. As soon as she had walked in that first day after their conversation, he hadn't said anything that wasn't business. The office, once small, now seemed like it had oceans of space between them.
"Dean told me what happened." Olivia said quietly one afternoon. She had made sandwiches and thought to share them with Elizabeth and Dean. Dean had declined to stay with them and returned to his office. Elizabeth picked at the crust.
"He keeps it with him; it's his way of coping. Some people distance themselves, try and go back to how it all was before, but he can't." Olivia said.
"Should he even be a part of this mission then?" Elizabeth asked, keeping Dean and anything about him strictly on the matter at hand.
"He's done things like this before." Olivia said, "He's a soldier, he can switch emotions off."
"Has he seen Sam, since he left?" Elizabeth asked before she could help herself. Olivia shook her head.
"There was one time he came close, but that was three years ago." She replied. There was silence and Elizabeth took a bite of her sandwich.
"This is really good." She said. Olivia smiled, "Thanks, my mom taught me how to make them like that."
"Where is your family from?" Elizabeth asked, there were a lot of pictures on her desk and tacked to the walls. It was apparent she had quite a lot. She wasn't expecting it when she saw Olivia's face crumple. She quickly hid her face in her hands, the sweater sleeves effectively creating a little shield.
"Oh god, Olivia I'm so sorry." Elizabeth whispered. She put an arm around the crying girl. Many people had lost families and it was clear Olivia had been no exception and nothing had been spared her.
"It's okay, you didn't know." Olivia said her voice shaking from the force of the tears she was trying to hold back.
"Hey, it's okay, you don't have to hide. Just let it go." Elizabeth said.
Olivia gave a sob and leaned into the hug. Elizabeth wondered when she had last let someone see her like this. There was a quiet knock on the door and Dean came in. He shut the door behind him.
"I was walking by, are you okay?" He asked. His eyes met Elizabeth and she knew that this was a scene he was familiar with.
"Is it like before?" He asked. Olivia nodded.
"Come here," He said and he pulled her up gently and into an enveloping hug. Elizabeth wondered if she should go and made eye contact with Dean. He shook his head. It was a few minutes before Olivia pulled back, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.
"Thank you." She whispered to Dean. "I'm sorry you had to see me like that, I hope I didn't scare you." She said turning to Elizabeth.
"No, it's fine. I'm just so sorry." Elizabeth said gently.
"Some days are harder than others and this was a pretty bad one, it isn't your fault honestly." Olivia said taking a few breaths.
"I'm better now." She said finally.
"Do you need to go home? Can I drive you, or Elizabeth drive you?" Dean asked.
"They need you both at drills, I'll be fine." Olivia said.
"I'll excuse Elizabeth for tonight, as long as she works extra hard tomorrow." Dean said. He looked at Elizabeth to make sure and she nodded smiling at Olivia.
"Dean, I really don't want to cause trouble, especially so close to the strike."
"Elizabeth knows her stuff backwards and forwards." Dean insisted. "C'mon you two can have a girl's night. You know; braid hair, giggle about boys, have pillow fights." He said. Olivia cracked a smile.
"Fine." She said
"Let me grab my bag." Elizabeth said and Olivia began to shut her computer down.
She and Dean walked back to her office. "Thank you for doing this. I don't want her to have to be alone." Dean said.
"I'm happy to do it. She's a nice girl." Elizabeth assured him.
There was an awkward silence,
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow sir." Elizabeth said at length.
"Goodnight." Dean replied.
Elizabeth went back out to the hallway and Olivia was waiting.
"Ready to go?" She asked much more brightly. She looked excited.
They stopped briefly at Elizabeth's apartment for her to grab a tooth brush and some pajamas. It was about an hour drive to the city and Olivia turned on the radio. Elizabeth recognized the song that had come on and began to sing quietly. It was a second before Olivia joined in and they both sung the chorus.
They made to her apartment, both of their moods significantly improved. Her apartment was small but clean and had large airy windows. Elizabeth looked around and noticed the TV with the DVD's underneath.
"You like Not Natural?" She asked excitedly.
"Oh my gosh, I think I need to check into a rehab I am so addicted!" Olivia said.
"I can't even!" Elizabeth said.
"Well choose an episode! I'll start dinner!"
It really was a fun night. They ended up staying up until one chatting before they both fell asleep on the couch. The last thought before Elizabeth fell asleep was how it was hard to believe she was going to be on her first strike in three days' time.