Hello darlings!
I hope your Halloweens were awesome! I know mine was.
I've been bogged down with papers and tests, but the next few chapters should be up sooner than later, I promise!
Anyway, enjoy this new chapter! And please please PLEASE review!
Later that evening
It was almost midnight before Josie was calm enough to lean on Roger's arm and leave the comfort of the sitting room. She was achingly silent as they climbed the stairs, and it seemed as though she would collapse at any moment.
"Come now," he said when they reached the landing in front of her room, "Let's get you to bed. You must rest."
He rubbed Josie's arm in comfort but she turned and stepped away from him, wincing as though she'd been burnt. She wearily rested a hand on the wall for support. Though he could not see her eyes, Roger knew she was crying.
"What can I do?" he asked, wishing her hurting would end, "Darling, let me help, please."
Josie shook her head and tried to steady her breathing, "I...I'm sorry. I just...I need to be alone."
He stepped towards her, "Josie - "
Without another word, she hurried into her bedroom and closed the door.
He heard the lock turn and his heart broke.
He waited a moment, praying she might change her mind, but he knew it was impossible.
He took a deep breath, his eyes watering, and walked over into the guest bedroom.
He sat on the edge of the bed and looked out to the hall at Josie's door. He heard Josie crying, and though he fought to block it out of his mind, he could not.
He stood and closed the door, then returned to the bed and laid down.
Although he was exhausted, he could not bring himself to sleep. With everything he'd done, he could not rest soundly. He hated how much Josie was hurting, but he knew it was for the best.
Or was it?
He did not know anymore.
He closed his eyes, wishing the clock in the hall could tick louder and drown out his guilty thoughts.
As though to answer his wish, the chimes rang out the hour. One. Two.
Two? Was it really two in the morning? Had he dozed off?
Roger shook his head and stared up at the ceiling, but a noise from the hall caught his attention and forced him to sit up.
He listened carefully, recognizing Josie's footsteps as they passed his door and began down the hallway towards the children's rooms.
Without a second thought, Roger left the guest room, pausing for a moment on the landing to glance at Josie's door, still partially opened, before turning down the hallway.
"Josie?" he called out quietly, but there came no reply.
It was terribly dark, but there was a faint light from within a room he'd never dared to enter before.
"Darling?" he whispered, opening the door gently and peeking inside.
Again, there was only silence. But he saw Josie standing on the far side of the room, staring out the window. She wore only her white nightdress and sheer dressing gown. The moonlight fell on her grief-stricken face and unpinned hair, giving her a look of other-worldly melancholy.
Roger took a careful step inside, not wanting to startle her, but the floor boards creaked and Josie looked up. Her face turned pale in fright, then softened when she recognized Roger through the darkness.
"I..." she blinked a few times as her voice failed her, "Forgive me, I thought..." she closed her eyes and pressed a hand to her stomach.
"Oh, my dear," Roger moved towards her, to comfort her, but she turned away.
"Don't, please," she folded her arms, closing in on herself as though she wanted to disappear.
Roger nodded and backed away, respecting her wish but hating how she seemed to doubt him.
He looked around, his gaze falling on the desk in the corner of the room. It was littered with sheet music and letters, some in French and some in English, and it was simply covered in dust. The entire room was. He turned and spotted a tweed coat hanging on the hook by the door and a pair of men's shoes beneath the bed. All these things sent shivers up Roger's spine, but when he saw the violin case laying on the bed, his stomach churned.
"This is his room, isn't it?" he asked, glancing at Josie, "Florian's?"
She nodded, "I haven't been in here since..."
She started to choke up and Roger cautiously stepped towards her.
"You don't have to talk about it - about him - if you don't want to," he said, but she shook her head.
"I want to," she insisted firmly, "We never have spoken about him, have we? You and I?" she looked up to Roger, a curious, almost hurt look in her eye, "In all these years, you've never asked about him. Why?"
"Well," Roger began warily, wanting the drop the subject as quickly as possible, "It would be strange, I think, to talk about past lovers when we are so happy together now."
Josie sighed, "I see..."
The tears returned to her eyes and Roger felt it keenly. He wanted to help her, but he was walking on very thin ice and he simply could not risk discussing the death of a man he knew was alive and well.
"It was a long time ago, darling," he said, putting an arm around her shoulder, "Surely five years is enough for you to forget him."
As he heard the words fall from his mouth, Roger realized how heartless they sounded and he froze as Josie pulled away from him in resentment.
"How can you say that?" her gaze turned to him, slowly, with an angered sadness he'd seen countless times before.
"That is not what I meant, forgive me," he begged, repentant and fearful, " I only meant...I thought you, well...that you'd moved on. From him."
She glared at him again but he continued.
"That is, I thought you had moved on from the hurting," he explained calmly, "I thought, after all this time, you did not think of him with sadness."
Josie paused, her eyes glazing over as she considered what he said.
"You are right," she said after a while, "I have been happy...I do not mourn like I used to...But sometimes..." she inhaled sharply and looked away, "Sometimes it seems as though he died yesterday. I feel everything all over again and I can't think straight, I..."
"Josie - "
"I feel I've abandoned him," she went on, moving to the bed, "Sometimes I almost forget what he looked like. Can you believe that?"
Her teary eyes closed as she sat on the edge of the bed.
"I loved him..." she whispered, "And I wish had told him so."
"Darling, I am sure he knew," he interrupted, but Josie went on.
"He asked me to marry him, Roger," she whispered and stared ahead into nothing.
Roger's heart stopped and his eyes widened, "What?"
"He wanted to marry before he left to fight, but I never gave him a straight answer," Josie explained softly, but her voice cracked and Roger could see she was crying again, "I know it was foolish but I really thought...I thought it might give him a reason to live..." her speech rambled on as she fought to hold back her sobs, "He was upset, but he promised me...He promised he would come back, he swore it, he...he swore he would not leave me like that. And I...I believed him. I waited, month after month, knowing in my heart that he would be fine, that we would be together at the end of it all, but then..." she shook her head, "God, how could I have been so stupid? To think a promise could mean something in a war?" her tears slowly returned as she spoke, an angered self-awareness sinking in, "Hope is one thing, but that...that was mindless optimism. Childish and irresponsible and..."
She looked to Roger and her breathing hitched.
"Forgive me," she stood and quickly wiped her tears away, "I hate for you to see me like this. You are right, it is foolish to talk of such things. I am fine..." she wrapped her dressing gown tighter around her waist as she moved past him, "Or at least I will be in the morning," she slowly opened the door but then stopped and turned back, "I love you, my dear. And I am happy. Truly, I am," she said quietly, a warm sincerity in her eyes, "You and the children have brought so much to my life, but I..." she paused and looked away, "I cannot...I will not forget him. So I beg you," she pleaded, her teary eyes meeting his, "Never ask it of me again."
She turned and quietly left the room.
Her footsteps echoed in the hall, and every regret Roger had ever felt suddenly overcame him. His legs buckled and he stumbled backwards to sit in the desk chair so as not to fall to his knees.
What have I done?
Once his decisions had felt honorable and selfless. But now...
Good God, what have I done?
He looked around the room, feeling as though he were trespassing on sacred ground. His head spun, his heart ached, and every inch of that abandoned room reminded him just how selfish a man he was.
He stood to his feet and staggered towards the open doorway, but he stopped.
Slowly, he turned and set his eyes upon the violin.
He blinked.
He glanced over at the letters on the desk, then his gaze returned to the violin.
A sudden thought came to him - an idea he never considered until that moment.
He closed his eyes, wanting to erase the notion from his mind, but he could not.
As though moved by an outward force, he went to the desk and snatched up as many letters as he could. He then went to the bed and grabbed the violin before walking out into the hall.
He took a slow, calculated breath, and shut the bedroom door.
More to come soon, hopefully!
If my calculations are correct, you can expect at least five more chapters before Christmas.
But I am making no promises.
Anyway, please review! And keep a look out for new chapters soon!