4.2.16: Hey hey! This is an edited chapter (mostly the same as before, except for the first half, though no major plot changes or anything)
(Read notes at the end ;))
What You Never Had
It was another one of those meetings.
Boring, time consuming, and, most of all, pointless. Time lost that wouldn't ever come back. It was time that he could have used to see the one person who changed his life, before he couldn't see him anymore. Soon, Tsuna would be sent back to the past, the teams are working on that every hour of every day, and sooner or later they will complete the research. It was only a matter of time.
Xanxus found that last statement somewhat ironic as it passed through his thoughts.
'Only a matter of time…'
The day was almost over, the meeting came to an end and the Varia leader jumped from his seat and left without even stopping to hear the last words spoken about the next meeting, what does he have subordinates for anyway?
Stalking through the identical corridors, he stopped in front of a familiar door. One with the name tag "Sawada Tsunayoshi", just on the wall next to it. A rush of some feeling he couldn't really identify washed through him as he knocked on the door. And waited.
Then, waited some more. Just a bit more, and...
Tsuna wasn't there.
A minute, two, then three passed and the door stayed closed. There was no answer. Taking the handle in his hand, he tried to open the door only to find out it was locked. Either no one was inside or the boy was sleeping with the door locked and didn't hear. Xanxus knocked again, harder this time, wondering where else could the young Vongola be at this time of the day.
Five minutes passed, then fifteen, and Xanxus was forced to admit the boy most probably wasn't there. Should he wait next to the room or just leave? Surely Tsuna will have to come back sometime soon to sleep, right?
"Unless he is staying somewhere else."
That thought he said out loud for some reason, making it echo through the blank walls of the deserted corridor. No. No way was he staying anywhere else. He will be back soon.
"Unless he is staying with someone else."
No.
It's been almost twenty minutes since Xanxus first got there and finally, he could hear something moving in his direction. It must be Tsuna. But he was... talking? Who was he with?
The answer revealed itself to him as he saw the two figures turn the corner to where he was standing and finally stop to look at him. 'What was that guy called? The Sun guardian... Doesn't matter.', the thought left his head as quickly as it got there. He had more important things to do. Stepping forward from where he was leaning on the door, he looked at Tsuna's cute blushing face, but spoke to the other.
"Leave us."
The command was swift and cutting, as expected from a man such as the leader of the Varia. He moved like a tiger stalking his prey, already distracted enough to not bother with whether the one he just dismissed truly left or not, and closed in on the still figure of Tsuna standing in front of him.
Those eyes would one day lead him to his end, he just knew it.
The Varia easily grabbed the small key from the weak hold the other had on it and took the same hand to lead the younger one into the room, Tsuna followed without words. From that moment on, everything became simple. Open the door, close the door, sit on the bed, pull Tsuna between his legs and close his arms around him. He smelled so nice, like Tsuna.
"I missed you." he whispered to the chest he was currently pressing his face against, partly not meaning the other to hear and partly not really caring. He didn't let go.
Xanxus. In his room. Hugging him. In his room.
Tsuna's teenager mind was working through the events of the last minute and was, regrettably but not unsurprisingly, not doing a good job at it so far. If you had asked the young heir to describe Xanxus in one word after the ring fights, the answer you could expect to receive from him would have probably been something along the lines of 'mean' or 'scary'. If he was to be asked the same question right now, he would say with no doubt, 'warm' or 'nice'. There was no possible way of getting around it anymore –
Tsuna liked him.
He always thought of himself as a rather normal person, if not one who is quite below the average of other normal people. He was the sort who failed his tests regularly, the sort who liked the cute girl that couldn't possibly, ever, return his feelings. The sort of person who would be content to live in his own shadow for the rest of his life.
Therefore, Tsuna never thought himself to be the one an elite assassin, a man, someone who used to be an enemy, could ever be drawn to nor did he think himself capable of returning the sort of affection he was shown in those rare moments, like this one. That was one thing he could have never hoped for.
He never thought of himself as one, but apparently, he was. That sort of person.
"I missed you too." he said, his words whispered to the dark hair he unknowingly pressed his left cheek to, it felt… nice. Two hands struggled a bit to escape the hold circling him, but not to run away. Free, he wrapped his arms around Xanxus and hugged him back. While not knowing where this was really leading or why exactly it was actually happening, Tsuna somehow knew it was the right thing to do. Nothing could be more right than being with Xanxus, right at that moment.
"I don't know what it is, but no matter what, I can't seem to get angry around you."
A weird statement, but considering the power the man was wielding, the 'Flame of Wrath', it must mean a lot. The hold on Tsuna relaxed from the tight grip to a more hug-like version. He kept his hold around the man. "It's like you just take it all out of me, calm me, I can't get enough of that, of you."
Xanxus rubbed his head on the young Vongola and, feeling him shiver slightly, he whispered, "And your flame feels so nice… just as if it is touching mine."
Now Tsuna's grip tightened as he blushed for what could only be the hundredth time since the entire affair started, pretty sure he was more embarrassed being talked to this way than any of those times he was forced to run around in his boxers because of Reborn.
"I mean, I feel like I should get angry at you for making me wait so long for you. Bash your Sun guardian's head in for being with you and making you late to get to me." Taking a deep breath, he looked slightly up from his position into warm eyes. "I normally would, you know, but nothing seems worth making you uncomfortable that way. You wouldn't like me killing your guardians even if they deserved it. Right, Tsuna?"
Momentarily hypnotized by the tone so-unlike Xanxus and the mention of his name that caused warmth to spread in his stomach, Tsuna barely managed to answer. "I... I don't think so."
A laugh followed his response. The nicest laugh he had ever heard. "I didn't think you would." Now, disentangling slowly from the other, Xanxus kicked his shoes off and backed further into the bed. Tsuna had a feeling the man was waiting for him to follow, like this was something he didn't want to pull the younger Vongola into but wanted him to take the step by himself.
After everything that happened in the last few weeks, there was no hesitation whatsoever in Tsuna's movement. Climbing into his bed, onto Xanxus' waiting lap, he put two hands on large shoulders. He had no idea where the courage and confidence suddenly came from after a lifetime without them, but he could probably blame it all on his up to now almost nonexistent teenage hormones. That must be it.
"How are you these days?"
The question came as a surprise, up until that moment Xanxus didn't show himself to be much of a person to have mundane conversations. He seemed to be more of an action type. The less words, the better. Tsuna answered regardless.
"Strange." he said honestly, "Fast, everything ended so fast." Hands crept slowly to fall in place on his waist and thumbs massaged circles into his skin through his shirt. The touch made Tsuna a bit weaker, drawing him to lean further into the scarred man and close his eyes to relish in the almost alien but welcome feeling of another person's hands on his body. "Everything... Everything worked out, in the end."
Feeling a bit compelled to return the inquiry and a little more than somewhat awkward having a normal conversation while embracing another man, he asked, "You?"
Lit eyes looked at him and a small smile that Xanxus probably didn't even know he had on his face made Tsuna's stomach flip again from all the sensations passing by him too fast for him to comprehend.
"Fighting went alright, could have been more interesting but I'm not complaining, the group is trash as always." tilting his head a bit to the side, looking slightly up, a smirk appeared on the Varia's face and Tsuna just knew the next words will have something to do with him, "Couldn't get you out of my head for a long time after you jumped me just before I left."
The blush was enough of a response for Xanxus. For all of the two seconds he could actually see it. Then, showing what a way Tsuna went since Xanxus first cornered him, instead of running backwards to hide from the man, he leaned forward to hide his face in Xanxus' chest. Small hands grasping the fabric of his jacket almost as if he tried to bury himself in it. "Hey, that's okay." he said quietly, though he really just wanted to laugh at the cute reaction. "It was the best parting gift you could have given me."
"Mmnuff." was all that was heard from Tsuna when the boy just tried to dig himself deeper into Xanxus as if to reinforce his muffled response and the man couldn't stop himself anymore. He laughed. Not maliciously, but heartily. For the first time in a long while, he laughed. Hands wrapping again around the teen, he stroked up and down the hunched back, feeling the soft tremors as they passed from Tsuna's body to his own and couldn't help but feel pure happiness bubble in his chest. This. This was what he wanted. Tsuna, with him. Like this. His flame felt so calm…
A shame it wouldn't last. But, he will have to make the best out of what time they did have before the end.
Pulling back when the brunette allowed it, Xanxus looked fondly into his most important person's eyes. The ever burning fire in them still as bright as ever. There was no need to ask for permission, no need to hold the other in case he pulled back. This was something they both wanted from each other, the shared affection between two people, in the most basic form of it, touching. Kissing.
Electricity coursed through their veins as their lips met. For Tsuna it was the most pleasurable sensation he had ever felt, for Xanxus it was what he once thought he could only ever dream of. Lips parted, gave way to tongues and passion built with a soft hum around the couple. A moan from Tsuna was hungrily devoured by Xanxus' mouth as the man began moving his hands slowly from his waist to his parted thighs, grabbing each in a firm hold.
The young heir's hands threaded through midnight hair, one moving to shakily touch a feather with an almost hesitant gesture. The feelings, sensations, the touches. It was a lot, but, strange as it was, it felt like he just discovered something he never knew he needed so much until that moment.
The affection, the loving gestures, warm treatment, it was everything he ever wanted. Someone who needed him. And so he allowed himself to be swept by Xanxus' pace and let the man lead him into this new world of pleasure, consequences only a faraway word to be used at a different time. A time when his mind would function regularly and he won't be as distracted. That time wasn't there yet, so Tsuna allowed Xanxus to pull him one more step away from everything. The worry for his friends, regret for not being there for them or allowing them to even be sent on that mission.
Leave the worries of the present, along with the worries of the future and the past. Xanxus would freely give it to him, this break. So he allowed the embrace, welcomed it even.
It was when they broke apart after minutes of silence that Tsuna voiced the only worry he had. A tiny, distant worry, but one nonetheless. "I…" he began, heaving slightly and wondering how to ask the question, "Bats, cockroaches, loud noises, dark places... I'm useless." He whispered, heard by Xanxus only due to their proximity.
"Everything scares me, I have nothing that people could look up to, everybody knows that!" he finally got the words out. He wasn't upset, no matter how he sounded. He was just breathless from a prolonged attachment to Xanxus' lips and curious as to how the man even saw anything in him when no one else ever had. "Why me?" he whispered, only in wonder.
Placing an arm around him from behind, and a palm right above his heart, Xanxus, who saw the need Tsuna had for an answer, said "Because I know what you are made of." It was as simple as that.
"I know how you are one of a kind, the things you could do, how amazing you could be." gently swiping strands of brown hair from reddened face, he continued.
"I know we might not have much time, and that it might not be fair to you to open up to someone you will not be seeing again after you go back to your time." honesty, Xanxus kept reminding himself. Most of it came naturally with Tsuna, but bad habits were hard to break. "I will also not lie to you that my past self will act the way I am now. We are different in many ways and will probably stay that way." he wouldn't lose Tsuna after being drawn to him; this Tsuna would stay alive after his future self's time.
"But I want this," the taller man was leaning into Tsuna now, feeling him, how alive he was, how close to him he was. "I want you, this is the only time I can have you and for me it's more than enough. However you feel is right for you, I will take what you give me."
Your time, your soul.
"I'm older than you, I know, but I just want it, us, just for now, when we can." He was so open now, Xanxus was sure the kid could see it in his eyes. "You are the person I fell in love with, you are the one I changed my life for."
I love you.
"I lived for you and I killed for you, I would die for you.
"But I never had you, I never held you, like this. And before you go back to your time, I want this chance." one and only chance. "Because my Boss will not be coming back, and there is nothing I want more now than to have those moments with you."
Just you. Only you. Always.
And for Tsuna it was enough. More than enough. As his eyes closed, his mouth opened and he surrendered once again to the invading warmth offered to him so passionately. A hand lifted his shirt, but he didn't mind, he craved the touch.
The room suddenly began to warm as two separate bodies, beings, burned hotter and hotter and the two skies, two flames, met in the middle to join together. Everything was enhanced, all was good—
-…-
-Which is why it was unfortunate when the door opened with a loud bang accompanied by a louder shout, "-...the boss must be here. BOSS! IM COMING IN!"
Superbi Squalo. That was the name of the interruption. For a brief, awkward moment Tsuna fished the blanket from underneath them and ducked under it, behind Xanxus. The man himself, furious for a good reason for once, growled at the doorway. It was late, the time was. Late enough to even bother with locking the door since no one was supposed to be awake at that hour. He could faintly outline another figure standing behind the silver menace, but he didn't really care, all hatred was turned to that one person who interrupted his time with Tsuna.
"Boss," the scum said, now in a more refined tone, upon noticing what he just barged into. The little Vongola peeked a bit from his hiding place only to see the side of Xanxus' enraged face. "Bo-"
"Silence, trash." the words had a sense of finality to them, and Tsuna wondered how Xanxus' could manage the feat.
The Varia leader seemed to get irritated by the minute. He might have managed to keep his temper under control, slightly, but the signs were there. If Tsuna wasn't so close, he probably would never have noticed the small change in the scarring on the man's face. A tad darker, spreading by a bit, representing his wrath.
"Tsuna." it was almost a whisper, but the teen heard it. "Close your eyes for a second." after raising an eyebrow at the unusual request, a rare gesture that went unseen by Xanxus as he still focused on the surprisingly silent Squalo, the boy obliged.
Five seconds later, no more, no less, he heard Xanxus' voice again. "You can open your eyes now." Before the last word even left the man's mouth, brown eyes were already looking up in question.
The room was empty.
"Ehhh? How did you do that?!"
Turning to the man, he got what could only be described as a Xanxus smirk. "Do you really want to know?" the man asked, mirth flickering in his dark eyes. So different to the previous rage, the change instant, signs already withdrawn, the assassin almost looked peaceful.
"Tell me." curious as to how such a feat was managed, the little Boss was eager to know. "How?"
Looking up, as if contemplating whether to answer or not, the Varia Boss took pleasure in prolonging his younger companion's wait. It seemed like, without the boy's knowledge, Tsuna's upper body was slowly leaning towards the older man in his unusual highly inquisitive moment.
Lowering his head and drawing closer in return, Xanxus mused, "Should I really?"
"You must!" small hands on both his shoulders, the young Boss' sudden determination amused him to no end and he would have drawn the moment forever if it wasn't so damn late already. In four hours he had another of those cursed meetings about the future of Vongola.
"Maybe I should tell you. It's simple really, it was just..." without giving the boy a chance to move, he pushed him gently, but with fast movement, to his back on the soft bed. In a second they were repositioned, with Tsuna looking up as Xanxus placed his right palm flat on one side of his head, mirrored by the man's left hand on the other side. Faces a hair apart, Tsuna was hypnotized by the dark eyes gazing into his. "It was just... Magic."
Huh?
But before Vongola the Tenth even managed to process the odd answer he was given, soft lips met with his and a wet tongue licked across them. A soft moan rose from the back of his throat and Tsuna opened his mouth almost hungrily to accept his new lover's passionate kiss.
By the time both fell asleep, the satisfaction was spread throughout the room as they curled against each other, relishing in the warmth of another body pressed so close to their own.
Sitting in the meeting room Xanxus let the group of old people fight between themselves and waste his air as he relaxed against his chair. As the meeting was held in Underground Headquarters he didn't really have to leave too long before the designated time, but he still felt cheated of his sleeping time. Especially with Tsuna in his bed. Well, him in Tsuna's bed, but that was the same damn thing.
Waking up next to the angelic little thing was amazing. The scarred man couldn't remember ever feeling so good upon waking to the sounds of his alarm.
The old pocket watch he carries in his jacket beeped just loud enough for Xanxus to open his eyes. While regularly irritated in the morning, the man found he couldn't quite manage the feeling. It was unusual, not feeling the standard anger upon waking.
A movement on his chest caught his attention and he looked down at the mess of brown hair. The normally sharp man took more time than he would regularly need to put the pieces together, but by the time he did, his lips moved on their own accord to form a small, honest smile.
Tsuna.
Tightly embraced in his arms, the young heir laid with his head just under Xanxus' chin, messy hair tickling the man softly as he breathed. Small hands folded on both sides of his head grabbed two pieces of the thin blanket's end to keep him and Xanxus covered comfortably. Swift acknowledgment of the situation left Xanxus feeling just content enough to simply curl further into the younger body's warmth and ditch the meeting he probably could do without.
But it seemed the world had a different idea as to what should or shouldn't be. The assassin's small movement combined with the soft beeping sound of the alarm still going off for the minute was enough to stir the second occupant of the small room, causing him to slowly lift his head up in the cutest lazy motion and his eyes to meet Xanxus' own. For someone not used to waking up on other people or even seeing someone in his bed the first thing after he wakes up, the young Vongola didn't seem to even care much. Just like Xanxus, he was drawn to the warmth and comfort of the body pressed to his own. It was a nice feeling, and Xanxus could easily read his expression.
Fiery brown eyes were still locked with his dark ones, questioning the disturbance in what could have possibly been the best sleep he had ever had. Figuring that delaying waking up any further will just cause people to come banging on the door, the man sighted and gave one final squeeze with his arms around the small shoulders and whispered a soft, "Good morning."
He wasn't prepared for the sweet smile that assaulted his tired mind and Tsuna, in his own probably half asleep state, climbed effortlessly to press the softest kiss on Xanxus' lips.
And look where he was now. Just waiting the long minutes for the dull meeting to end, 'Relocating to the still standing South Base', 'Elections or closest to the blood line for a replacement of the Boss', 'How to build the empire back...'. It went on forever, and they never bothered with Xanxus anyway. His branch was probably the least affected, the most complete of Vongola currently, the most useful one as well. By far. The self managing Varia, with only a need for a list of names for them to do what they were trained for.
He couldn't even seem to argue with them when they declared he couldn't be the Boss now. Even after finding out a few years back he was, in fact, of Vongola blood, somewhere down the line of the second Boss, the Varia leader knew it was too late for him to change his position in the Family. Maybe ten years ago, he could have gone peacefully and even enjoy the training the heirs needed to take control of all Vongola affairs. But now... after Tsuna's death, after the almost fall of Vongola, he just couldn't see himself go through with it. He didn't want the constant reminder of what he couldn't have anymore.
While resigned to the fact he will lose Tsuna again soon, it wasn't something Xanxus was looking forward to happen.
(From the former notes: You can fill in the blanks for this chapter if you want, I left it because I thought some wouldn't appreciate 14 years old Tsuna going too far with 34 years old Xanxus. Nothing to do about the gap, but while Tsuna is still underage it might seem a bit... forced.)
-New notes: 4.2.16
Sorry for the (very) long wait, but, as you might know, life.
I'll change a bit of what I wrote when I first uploaded this chapter - the changes to this chapter (from my original plan) left everything in the last one a bit of a mess and I had to fix a lot to get to the point I wanted this story to end in. But, it is now pretty much ready and I have the time to finish it, hopefully this weekend. There will be one more chapter, and an epilogue (the effect of the plot changes).
The next two chapters will be uploaded sometime this week, the sooner the better (believe me, there was not a day this long period of time I didn't think of finishing it… this story was never forgotten). The only reason I upload this version of ch. 5 first is because I actually fixed many small details in (mostly) the first half of the chapter while reading to get back into the plot and wanted to put it up here for anyone who reads at this time...
Until next time then.