Chapter 5 – Contemplations

So Chapter 5 is here! Hope you enjoyed last chapter's cliff hanger! I do really like those… *Evil Laugh*.

So I must admit this chapter is on the very angsty, sad side, but I'll make it up to you with the next one! Promise!

As always do let me know what you love/hate, feedback is what makes the story better!

Oliver had been standing there for quite a while. His feet felt rooted to the spot as the moon slowly made its way across the sky. It was late, very late. And if he didn't move soon, the sun would make its appearance and the whole world would be able to see him.

But still Oliver didn't move. He wanted to look at the city he loved so much a while longer; the lights flickering and the light noise of the streets in the background. From where he was standing he could see almost all of Starling. In the moonlight it seemed so peaceful, so calm. Home.

He shook his head trying to clear it. He should have been gone already – should have been at Nanda Parbat by now. But he had spent the past three days roaming rooftops and lying low and convincing himself to leave. But he had been unable to either leave or stay. He had found himself stuck in between – neither here nor there.

When he had left that night –satisfied that he was doing the right thing- he had taken only his bow and quiver and he had climbed high on the roof of one of the tallest buildings in the city to look at Starling one more time before departing.

But he never left. I need to make sure that they are okay before I go. That's what he had told himself. That he wanted to make sure the people he cared about would move on, would survive. As if they'd be okay with him leaving.

So he tried keeping tabs on them, see how they reacted to the news. Thea, Diggle, Laurel, Felicity, Roy. Even Captain Lance. What he was really expecting to see, Oliver wasn't sure. A sign maybe. A sign to either stay or go. That they had forgotten about him, that they could move on or –and this was a hope he didn't dare admit to himself - a sign that they needed him and he had to stay.

He had checked up on Diggle first, before heading to everyone else. He had hidden outside Diggle's window when Felicity had gone to see him and he remembered the scene as if it was right infront of him.

Diggle was wondering who was ringing the doorbell so late. He had gotten up and opened the door and Felicity had stood there in the doorway all dressed up but looking pale and scared.

He was alarmed, asking her 'Felicity, what's up?' and all of a sudden she had fallen in his arms sobbing.

She explained that Oliver left, that he had gone to Nanda Parbat and told him about what had happened that night. She said Thea knew and that she had called Roy who was on his way there. She still needed to tell Laurel, but she was going to call her on her way home. She left soon after and Diggle had stayed standing there looking at the closed door.

He really is gone? He thought to himself. Felicity had looked so broken in that moment Diggle had sworn that if Oliver had been there he would have found a way to make him regret his decision.

'Damn it Oliver!' He yelled before he threw the glass he was holding against the wall.

Soon after, Lyla had come out hearing the noise and had hugged him tightly before pulling him back to look at their sleeping daughter before heading back to bed.

'You'll figure it out' She had whispered.

Oliver had seen his friend's pain, he knew that Diggle didn't show his anger easily, he was always quite collected. He could also swear he saw Diggle look out the window from time to time; not for long, just a quick glimpse. And Oliver knew that his friend was looking for him, hoping he was still out there somewhere.

Nonetheless, as the days passed he had seen Diggle calm down and spend more time with his family; Lyla and baby Sara.

He also remembered that after seeing Diggle react to Felicity's news he had gone back to check on his sister. He was more worried about her than Diggle. With sadness he reminded himself that she didn't have any other family like Diggle did. It was just her and Oliver and he had just taken her last family member away from her. As he moved closer to the penthouse, moving silently on the roofs, he realised he was also worried that Thea might do something crazy like try and kill Malcolm.

Thea was yelling. She didn't know what she was yelling. She just knew she was angry and frightened. She had felt alone before and betrayed and sad. But this was a whole new level.

And it's all Malcolm Merlyn's fault!

'You! It's all because of you! Damn the day I let you in my life! I trusted you!' She threw at him and to his credit he said nothing.

It didn't take long before she attacked him her hand flying out towards his body, attempting to grab him and push him towards the ground. But her head wasn't in the fight. She was angry and she couldn't concentrate and as she kicked Malcolm in the back he pulled her hand and threw her down over his head.

And off they went; Thea trying to hurt him, but Merlyn defending himself just enough to not let her do any real damage; for once his father instinct working and letting his daughter take all her pain out on him.

It slowly started becoming too much for her though. She was getting tired and she felt like crying. She felt like bawling her eyes out. Her movements started becoming slow and her legs gave way as she sagged to the floor, no longer able to maintain her assault on the man she thought was family but who had caused her the only real family she had.

Not a second after she found herself lying on the floor she felt familiar hands around her. Warmth, love, care. Roy she thought and the young man hugged her close to him, pulling her in his lap as she wept for her brother and all that he was and could have been. The last thing she remembered before falling asleep in his arms was looking up at Roy as he trailed patterns on her skin and she could swear she saw a tear or two at the corner of his eyes. A silent lament for his mentor, the man who was a father and a brother and a friend and a teammate to him.

Oliver shuddered at the thought of his sister in so much pain. But Roy was there and he knew that if anyone loved Thea nearly as much as he did, it was him.

Laurel on the other hand had reacted completely different. He wasn't there when Felicity called, but when he checked on her she was working. She always worked hard, but she had thrown herself in her work and her training completely and Oliver knew that was her way of dealing. She was having a hard year with Sara dying and her father not talking to her… Oliver knew she was just trying to take control of everything she could. And she was so similar to her father who seemed to be staying at work permanently after Felicity had let him know that the vigilante was really gone this time. He had taken down the 'vigilante wall', all the info they had amassed when they were hunting him (even though they had stopped ages ago) and had instructed extra patrols and longer hours. And though he still wasn't talking to Laurel, he seemed close to cracking and letting her in again.

Oliver shuddered remembering all these… He had spend most of the night looking at how his friends' hearts broke at the news that he was gone and though he was sickened by the thought, he had felt loved. Even though he knew he had to go to protect them, he had felt what he hadn't in a very long time. That he was accepted, that he belonged.

That was before he went to visit Felicity – the woman who never wanted to but always seemed to be leaving. She…she had been a completely different story. Watching her breakdown Oliver thought would be the end of him. He thought he'd either run in and never let her go or he'd die looking at her like that.

Because Felicity's breakdown was not what he expected… Well he didn't know what he expected… He thought she'd be sad and cry like Thea, but that Ray (and though he hated this part) would be there and she'd be happy with him. But no… after she had gone to Diggle to tell him he had seen her again later at her house. She was sitting on her couch and staring into space. She didn't eat, didn't drink, didn't sleep, didn't move. She did nothing. As if she died, was what it looked like.

Oliver had ended up spending the best part of these last three days watching her anxiously. He was glad when Diggle had come to check on her a couple of times, but she never opened the door. It was only his constant attempt to remind himself that she was better without him that stopped him from breaking down that door himself and taking her in his arms. That she had someone who cared about her and could be by her side, that she would be in so much danger if he went to her and that she could end up dead, that kept him away.

It wasn't till the weekend finished that he saw a change. Sunday night Ray had come over, but again she didn't open the door. But he didn't leave. Oliver had to hand it to him. The man was stubborn just like him. He stayed outside her door and Oliver heard him tell her that Diggle had called him saying that he was worried about her and that he wasn't going anywhere until she opened the door and let him in. Diggle had been right in calling Ray. He was the future, the only one of them all that would draw her thoughts away from Oliver. He persisted, sitting on her front step for a long time, till she gave in and let him in and Oliver watched them as they sat side by side eating ice cream and watching tv.

When morning had come he had seen her get dressed and head to work, her usual ponytail, bright pink lipstick and smile. Maybe she'd survive… He thought and he didn't know if that was a good or a bad thing for him.

As Oliver thought about each one of his family members he slowly sat down on the concrete roof contemplating his decisions. He thought about how his life had changed, how he wasn't as alone as he had thought he was. He was still surprised he had so many people around him that believed in him, that wanted him to stay. He also thought about his decision to leave. He had fulfilled his promise to his father. If he wanted to make a difference he could do so much more from Nanda Parbat. And there was the fact that if he didn't go, if he left Ra's waiting he'd most likely burn Starling to ashes. Then there'd be nothing for him to protect anyway.

Could he really? Leave this city that he called home no matter what it threw at him? For the good of all the others? He had to try, because Oliver never allowed himself to be a priority. His needs and desires always had to come last.

He didn't know when his eyes closed as he sat slumped against the brick wall looking down at his beautiful home one last time.

A man was walking calmly in his direction, a strange light surrounding him. He seemed to know exactly where Oliver was even though it was pitch black in the corner he was sitting. The man seemed familiar, too familiar.

'Dad?' He asked all of a sudden, standing up.

Robert smiled looking at his son.

'Oliver' He said simply.

'Dad are you really here?' His voice was weaker than it had been in years.

'It appears so.'

'How…why?' Oliver seemed confused.

'You need me.' His father stated simply, embracing his son hard before taking a step back and looking at him, a sad expression on his face.

Oliver said nothing, shocked. This couldn't be happening.

'I'm dreaming aren't I?' He said, not really expecting an answer.

'Doesn't mean I'm not with you right now son.' His father's reply caught him by surprise.

'I know things have been hard on you…what you had to go through…what I asked you to do…It hasn't been easy on you.' Robert continued.

'Dad, it wasn't your fault…' Oliver tried to object.

'That's not why I'm here son. I just came to say I'm proud of you.' Robert said placing his hand on his son's shoulder. A tear rolled down his cheek.

'All of these, Oliver. These things that you've done? The things you blame yourself for? You did them for me, for others, for the city. They weren't your problems to solve. Yet you've done so much without complaining. You've sacrificed yourself for the good of others, your happiness for that of everyone else in this city.' His father said proudly. 'Don't be so hard on yourself.'

It was then that Oliver noticed they were no longer alone. A woman was standing next to him, a soft smile upon her lips.

'Sara?'

'Ollie' She said smiling brightly at him before hugging him hard.

'You are here too?' His voice betrayed his uncertainty.

'Seemed like you needed all the help you could get tonight.' She said simply.

'Why do you doubt yourself so much Oliver?' She asked when he remained quiet.

'Why?' He said bitterly. 'I've killed so many people… I don't even know how many… too many to count. I'm a monster. So many people have died because of me… Mum, Tommy, you… I haven't saved this city. I've sentenced it to death. Becoming Ra's al Ghul can stop that.'

'I know what Ra's al Ghul said Oliver… Leading an army can give you power to do so much more. But don't delude yourself in believing that you can change them Oliver… Their called League of Assassins for a reason… They won't stop killing Oliver. Killing is their nature. Even if they try to stop… They won't Ollie… And then all the difference you are trying to make will be for nothing.'

' But I don't know who or what I am! I'm so lost. People expect so much and so many different things from me. The hero, the playboy, the billionaire, the man who got stranded on an island for five years. Who am I? If I'm not to be Ra's al Ghul, then who am I?' He almost cried but their warmth held him together.

'Oh Ollie. The people who matter? They see exactly who you are. That's all that matters. The rest of the world will see whatever they want to see.' Sara said quietly.

And in that moment he could picture his family, the little family he had around him smiling. Roy looking up to him and Thea giving him her brightest, most proud smile when she realised he was the vigilante. Diggle and Felicity foremost standing by each of his sides. To them he would never be Oliver Queen as it meant to the world or The Arrow. He was just him. And they didn't try to fit him in a category. They didn't try to label him. Rather they accepted him exactly as he was. Diggle saying 'I believe in you Oliver'.

And insightful Felicity telling him… Oliver remembered a saying that Tatsu used to tell him 'The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face you show to the world. The second face you show to your friends and your family. The third face you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.' With Felicity he didn't have to hide his true face. She knew what he needed to hear, what he was thinking, what he was hoping. She could see right through him to his very core. And all she saw was good….a man in so much pain, but a good man. That's what she told him all along, 'You are a good man Oliver Queen'. And if that was what she saw then it must have been true, right?

Thinking about Felicity made him smile. And Sara who seemed to know exactly what he was thinking placed her hand in his and said:

'If you don't believe us Oliver, can you believe her? You have so much goodness in you Oliver. Don't give in the darkness.'

'You've found a way –your way - to make a difference. Don't go back to killing.' His dad added.

Oliver opened his mouth to object but his dad continued.

'You think that all the city needs is someone to clean up the streets… That you are failing because the city still needs your help. The most important thing you've given people Oliver is hope. Don't forget that.'

They smiled sweetly at him before taking a step backwards.

'No… Dad? Don't go. Sara? Sara!'

Oliver could feel them slipping away. He tried hard to grasp at them, tears flowing freely down his face, but to no avail.

Soon he was sitting on that rooftop alone again. The only thing that had been really there were his tears.

He remembered the people that were still there for him. Especially Diggle and Felicity. They believed in him. They believed in him so much they would stand by him no matter what.

Maybe I can stay… He allowed himself to think it and believe it for the first time since Ra's made him that offer.

Oliver had started –for the first time in a long time- to believe in the good in him. In the man who was more than The Arrow or Oliver Queen or Amanda Waller's interrogator and killer.

That's how Oliver started to be at peace with his island.

It seemed, there was hope for him yet.