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Bella POV

xxx

I'm not sure how long I ran, but I didn't ever want to stop. I'm not sure how far away I managed to go, but I was positive that the further away I got from Forks, the better.

I was also positive that there was someone following me the entire time. Sigh. Jasper.

Eventually, though, I stopped.

And, just…stopped. Functioning. Caring. Loving. Wanting.

It all stopped, and for a moment, I felt purely numb.

And then it all came flooding back to me.

Pathetic – that's how I really felt. No, worse than pathetic. A wretched feeling of remorse that fleshed out of every inch of my body and spread through the air around me. I didn't understand myself anymore. For three years, I had held on the draining memories of Edward, – why did his name sound so venomous to me now? - then suddenly I could care less. One visit to his house changed that fact. And of course, at that moment, Jasper shows up, only to mock me with information and to taunt me with the whole reason of this stupid mess.

So now, I don't know what to believe. Did I still love Edward? Was it still my goal in my eternal life to find him again?

I slumped against a tree, digging my back into the rugged, harsh bark. I wanted it to hurt, but it didn't. I wanted to yield into nothing and pretend like this was a big dream – a nightmare to the worst degree – and…I wanted to die. Funny, how three years ago my only hope in a human life was to become a vampire – and now here I am, wishing for a death that I deserved. A death like what Victoria had planned for me. Sadistic, torturous…

I sighed, and rested my head in my hands, propping my elbows up against my legs. I wish it would end. Now. The sooner the better.

Bella! Stop!

I froze. I hadn't heard my hallucination since the day I was turned. I had always assumed that Edward didn't care enough to spare another thought about me and that's why the hallucinations stopped…

If my theory was correct, did that mean that he still…cared for me? Wanted me? Thought about me?

I gasped, and banged the back of head against the tree. No. No, no, no. I was not going through this again. Edward was gone and he wasn't coming back. Get over it, Bella!

Bella! Just stop! You don't want to die. Yes?

I shuddered at the wonderful sound of his voice. "Yes, Edward, I do." My voice cracked when I said his name. I had never said his name out loud – it hurt much less to just think about it. A shiver ran up my spine, and the hole gaped open once again. How many times has it been today that the hole has broken open? I could fit a hundred real hearts in there by now, I'm sure; it was so large. And it hurt so badly.

Stupid intensified, vampire feelings.

I wrapped my arms around my chest, holding it together, and racked my mind for his voice. It wasn't there anymore – just an eerie silence. But I could feel it. Like he was just thinking; like there was a paper wall separating my thoughts from his. It would be so easy to tear down, but I couldn't bring myself to burn it. Burn, tear; what's the difference? I had gone through enough burning internally when I was changed, and the hole just kept tearing open a little more with every thought about it, and about him.

So I just sat there, listening through the paper wall, waiting for him to say something.

Maybe he realized that I wasn't worth it. Maybe he did want me to die.

But these were my hallucinations, right? Edward wasn't really inside my head; no. I just wished he was, and so there he is. So if he disappeared in my mind, did that mean I didn't want him anymore?

Oy. Not this argument again.

I hit my head against the tree trunk again, repeatedly. No headache came, no injury sustained.

Damn.

"Come on, Bella. You can do this. Just stop thinking about it. It'll get better. You've lasted three years, right? You can last a couple hundred more…" Talking to myself, hallucinations…what next? Am I becoming paranoid? This time, I knew the answer to that question.

Yes, I was. Paranoid, obsessive, neurotic, compulsive…is there a cure for a crazy vampire?

"Bella," Couldn't Jasper take the hint that I wanted to be alone?

"Just go, Jasper. I don't want to talk, or take part in your crazy theories." I stated icily. I wrapped my shield around my mind, and closed my eyes.

Bella, listen to him. He could have something important to say.

"You would know; you're the mind reader."

"Bella? What did you say?"

Oh. Did I say that aloud? "Nothing," I muttered.

"Bella. Listen to me. Jacob…he's a werewolf, and -"

"What's your point? I'm a vampire. So what if there are other mythical creatures?" I didn't like the way this conversation was going. I didn't want to take part in it. Couldn't I just vanish somehow? Fall into the ground and have the earth swallow me up – I would cause a lot less pain to the people around me if that were the case. Pain to them and to me.

Jasper was silent for a moment, and the air hung thickly around us. Finally, he sighed and sat down across from me. His eyes, I noticed were now a light shade of honey, but more than the melting caramel color lingered in them. I couldn't identify what it was…I hung on to the observation for another minute. Jasper continued to not speak, but looked at me in wonder.

I broke the silence. "Why are you here?" A simple question, but it ran a shock through me. Didn't I want him here? No – he didn't want me here. So why should I?

"Because of you, Bella." And such a simple answer, but yet so cryptic. For me? What could plain old, remorseful, guilty vampire Bella have to do with Jasper showing up?

"Alice?" I asked. I wasn't planning on voicing the other questions that were running through my head – where was Edward? Esme? Emmett? Carlisle, Rose? Blah, blah…

"She's…a bit preoccupied. She'll be coming back soon, though."

Alice was coming back? I snapped my gaze to his, searching firmly through his facial features and eyes for any sign of a lie. He seemed to tack onto what I was doing and smiled lightly. "Yes, she's coming soon. I thought you might like that…"

"And…the rest of them?" Not including Edward, of course.

He sighed and looked at his hands, twiddling his thumbs in his lap. "I don't know where they're at, honestly. Alice and I have sort of taken our own for the past year,"

I was in shock. So did that mean Emmett and Rosalie were off somewhere by themselves, too? And Esme and Carlisle? They didn't stay together, as the family they had created?

Wonderful. Another thing to add of my list of stuff I had caused.

"But, really, Jazz. Why are you here?" I asked a different question than the one I was dying to ask; I couldn't ask that one, I knew.

"Well…" he began slowly, taking in a large breath of air. "Three years ago, Alice had a vision. About you. She wasn't watching out for you or anything; it just came to her. It was in a meadow, and there was another vampire there – was it Laurent?" He frowned deeply and searched for something in the woods behind me idly and briefly before continuing. "Yes, it was. He was crouching, ready to spring. He bit you…then the vision died. It just stopped, according to her. Alice assumed that you were dead. She never told Edward about –" I flinched unconsciously, and let my head hang, not listening to the rest of the sentence. A pang of hurt washed through me, and flowed to every inch of my insides. To be safe – for Jasper's sake – I wrapped my shield very firmly around my thoughts, almost so that I could see it.

Edward was still behind the paper wall, listening. Jasper's words were like a gun to me; they hurt and shredded. Did Edward believe that I've been alive and well all these years?

Yes.

No, I told myself. It's your hallucination – don't listen! So I took a deep breath and cleared my head, concentrating on the intense ache of my chest instead. Pain was better than the ranting going on in my mind right now.

"Bella?"

I looked up, meeting Jasper's repentant eyes. I smiled faintly, and settled further down into the dirt, resting against the tree more. I beckoned silently for Jasper to continue, and he seemed to take the hint. "We all thought you had died – for good. Three years we've been mourning the loss of you Bella…"

I bet you were, I thought sarcastically. Pain, Bella. Think of the extreme stinging in your chest right now! Concentrate. Don't think about Jasper or anything…

I did, and the edges of my vision became fuzzy as more ache seeped in. Jasper didn't notice, and continued. "So, last year, Alice and I took off. It was hard living with Esme and Carlisle and Rose…and the rest of them. We weren't a family anymore. We were all so depressed. Alice and I ventured places, had some fun. Finally, I decided to come back here. Memories, you know? Never did I image you would be here, Bella!"

I sighed. I didn't think I would be here, either, honestly. I expected that I would be in some sort of afterlife, decaying in the ground, six feet under. Not until I was searing with pain and fire that I realized I was going to become a vampire. And even then, I was sure something was going to go wrong and I wouldn't make it.

I almost wish I hadn't.

I heard a groan on the other side of the paper wall. I could almost smell his delicious scent as he exhaled…I relaxed my shoulders, and smiled a little, imaging myself wrapped in his arms again…

"Bella? Bella? You in there?" Jasper's voice broke through fantasies; his hand waved in front my glazed over eyes, and I snapped back, my shield submitting automatically over my mind.

No, I wanted to say. I'm not in here, nor will I ever be again. Again, I wished I could vanish into the mucky undergrowth of the earth and soil.

Sigh.

"Yeah, I'm here. Sorry; I was zoning out..." I replied in a haze. Edward groaned inside my head again.

Jasper started to talk again, but my mind wasn't in the mood for his droning. I quickly zoned out again, letting my thoughts wander…

Somehow, someway, by some incredible miracle, the pain eases. The fire is extinguished, and the physical pain shreds to a dull throb. Slowly, I open my eyes, blinking against the intensity of the bright lights. Have ceiling lights always been that…incredible? It's almost like I can see the finer details…

I shrug to myself and let my eyes trail across the bland, white ceiling. Each dirt speck seems to jump out at me. Huh.

Oh. Hah. Fire…James..transformation…vampire…it all clicks.

I'm a vampire.

"Bella?" It's Jake's voice that breaks me from my thoughts. "Bella, are you okay?" I turn my head to the sound of his voice, toward the absurd stench that seems to be radiating from him. Ew.

But I smile none-the-less, and sit myself up, leaning against the arm of the couch I'm on. "I'm fine," I say. "Great, actually," It isn't a total lie. So I'm a vamp now – I should be excited, right? But when there's to point to eternity...not so great. Forever without Edward is like chocolate cake without frosting. But the feeling is so nice. Just..the clarity and rush of it all. It's an odd feeling, but I like it. A lot.

"Are you sure?" Jake asks.

"Yeah, I'm sure." I'm too distracted to pay any attention to Jacob anymore. Besides, he smells pretty bad.

I swing my legs over the edge of the couch and carefully stand up. I feel taller, more physically fit. I hear Jake gasp lightly, and turn to face him, smiling.

"Well?" I do a little pirouette, expecting to fall over.

I don't.

Did my clumsiness leave me? Am I finally as graceful as Alice or Rose? Or as beautiful?

Jake grins, but scrunches his nose. "You look…nice. But you're not the same," He sighs.

"Jake?" I ask, more serious. He drops his head, and gazes at the ground. "What happened? How did I end up here, in your house, as a vampire?"

Jacob lifts his head, and stares at me in eyes. "It's complicated," he says.

But I don't hear anymore than that. Suddenly, there is a burning itch at the back of my throat. It feels as if I'm extremely thirsty. But water sounds so…repulsive now. I bite my lip, and look out the window behind me.

"I think you need to go Bella. Maybe I'll get a chance to see you again and explain. Maybe not." Jake's eyes are watery and red, but the thirst is overpowering. I don't pay attention to his words, only the need to get blood.

So I nod, and run.

That's the last time I saw Jacob. Three years ago, that was. I can't say that I miss Jacob too much, but there's still the need for him sometimes. He was my sun when my life was pure darkness.

What do I have now, though? Nothing. My life is worse than darkness. I've fallen deeper into the black, deeper into my wallowing than I ever had as a human. But still, I can't say that I still want Jake back as my light. No, there are more pressing matters that I have to attain to than just spiraling myself out of depression.

"Bella, he's suffering."

Well, that snapped me out of my daze. I looked up at Jasper, and his somber expression, wide-eyed. He? As in…Edward? Suffering?

Jasper read my expression easily and deciphered my thoughts. He nodded and said, "Edward. He's suffering without you, Bella. He still loves you." I wrapped my arms around my chest to prevent it from falling apart, and absorbed his words. So Edward still loved me? But that's impossible! He left me, for heaven's sake!

"That's impossible, Jasper," I murmured, expressing my thoughts straight out. He knew it wasn't true. He knew, and yet he still tortured me with the words that hurt the most. The sheer words that could shatter my insides completely.

I'm pretty sure I could feel myself crumpling.

"Bella, really. I know it hurts, Bella. I know, believe me. But he hasn't been around any of us in over a year; he just hides out and mourns, basically."

"I don't believe you," I said, standing up and brushing myself off. Jasper followed suite.

"He's actually thought about going...uh…suicide." Jasper sighed as he finished straightening out his shirt.

Could vampires commit suicide? Is it technically possible?

"Why? That's not even possible, is it?" I asked, partially dreading the answer. The other part of me was actually mildly curious. This information might suit me in the years to come.

"Technically, I guess not. But there are ways, Bella. The Volturi are one."

"The Volturi?" I asked. Didn't Edward mention them once before? I scanned my dim human memories quickly, and remembered Edward telling me about them on my birthday. "Aren't they like…the most powerful vampires or something?"

Jasper sighed, and looked at the ground. "Yeah, sort of. Long story short, you don't make them angry with you. They set the rules, in a way. If you show yourself as what you are, if you expose our kind, then there are consequences."

I sucked in Jasper's words like a rose sucking in water. "Is that what…Ed-" I stopped myself as took a deep breath. "Is that what…he tried? To expose himself, get the Volturi mad, and then have them…kill him?"

Jasper nodded.

"Oh. Vampire suicide. Who would have guessed?" I muttered quietly. My feet started to move, and slowly I started to jog. Jasper was beside me, running in silence.

But I wasn't running away anymore. I was sick of it. This time, I have a place to go.

"Hey Jasper?" I said after a moment of quiet.

"Yeah?"

"Where are the Volturi…uh…located?"

Jasper chuckled and answered, "In Italy. Why?"

I didn't answer his question, but instead asked my own. "And where is Alice? You said that she was doing something, right?"

There was silence. "In Italy," he finally said. Huh. Italy? Coincidence?

"Why?"

Jasper stopped abruptly, and I skidded to a halt smoothly.

"Because that's where Edward is." Nope. Not a coincidence.

I felt a cruel smiled snake its way onto my face, and I let it come. So Jasper was here, with me. Alice was in Italy, watching over Edward. And the Volturi are there, waiting patiently for someone like Edward to come along.

Or someone like me.

I grinned, stunning Jasper, and took off full speed toward the Cullen house. I had a plan, I had reason. I could see Edward one more time, I could see Alice one more time, and I could finally submit to my thoughts of wanting to die…all in one measly little trip to Italy.

Huzzah.

xxx

Huzzah. That's like, my favorite word ever. Hah.

But I'm sorry for updating a week and a day late. Oops. But I've been awfully busy lately. :D

Anyhoo...I think I kinda like this chapter, but the ending sucks. Lededah.

Review? Thanks so much. :D