I don't own anything. :)

Bella's POV

XXX

Apparently, I ran quite far. The sky shifted visibly from a bright, clear sunlight, to the dulling twilight, and finally, night seeped in just as Jasper and I arrived at the house.

I felt a heavy case of déjà vu starting, but only this time, the hole was closing, less noticeable to me. The pain was shifting to a lower grade, decreasing in intensity. I smiled to myself, elated that the mere fact of seeing Edward again could close such a gaping wound.

Jasper seemed to notice my mood change, even without his power - considering I still kept my shield snug around my mind - but still acted cautious around me. He knew my limits, I'm sure. And he obeyed them for me.

Thank goodness.

Jasper led the way into the house, his steps whispering quietly in the empty room; it was oddly comforting, the cricket soft echo that each step of his foot made.

Wow. I really am going insane.

I sighed and followed Jasper, staring at the floor to divert my attention to any one place in the house. It still hurt, but that was oh so inevitable now. It was a murmuring, throbbing pain that was less stabbing and more…poignant. So at least the floor had some depth to it – the ground in dirt stains, the specks of dust – to keep my attention. For a little while, at least.

Jasper stopped in the middle of the open living room, and I watched his foot slowly turn around so they were facing me.

"Bella? Why…why, exactly, are we here?" He asked in a hushed voice.

"Because…well…um…" I couldn't tell him that I planned on doing something so horrible to myself. No, I would regret that even more later.

I sighed again. Should I tell him? Sure, I would lament it later, but how much would I regret…killing myself? I've lived three years without him, I lived in hurt and pain, but I lived. I could it. And if I could find Edward, he would accept me (theoretically, of course) and we could live our happily ever after.

If only it was that easy. He wouldn't want me back, and by the time I had time to think about what I was going to do in Italy, I would be dead and gone, a mere pile of ashes.

"Bella?"

"We're going to Italy." I said in a small voice, lifting my gaze. That didn't reveal too much, right? As in, he could merely infer that I wanted to see Edward and Alice, and not kill myself, right? I smiled slightly, a sad attempt at feigning happiness.

"Italy?" Jasper asked incredulously.

I nodded, dropping my eyes to the floor again.

"Why?"

"Because…" Why couldn't decent lying have magically appeared when I transformed? It would make it easier, right? "Uh…because…"

Jasper rolled his eyes, breathing out a heavy sigh. "Okay. What are we doing here, then? If we're going to Italy…"

What was I doing here? There was nothing really I needed at this house – was I coming here just to prove to myself that I could come here without having an emotional breakdown? To prove to Jasper? The note in my pocket –Edward's note – was so heavy right then that I was sure that it would fall through the worn and tattered fabric of my jeans. Was that a sign that this was to prove Edward?

I realized Edward wasn't in my mind anymore. It was like he was never there in the first place.

I sighed, and, finally, decided on an answer. "I don't know, Jasper. I honestly don't know." Jasper didn't answer, but instead pulled out his phone from his pocket, which I hadn't recognized was buzzing.

"Hello?" He answered. There was high-pitched murmuring on the other line, and I could only assume he was talking to Alice. So I let him have his peace, and made my way slowly outside.

Human pace isn't hard to get the hang of, but it's difficult when you're always used to running at speed's that can make you virtually invisible to human eyes. But none the less, I forced myself to move into the woods leisurely, straining to hear what Jasper was saying to Alice. I was not eavesdropping, I was just simply curious.

I could only make out words here and there, anyway. Jasper was talking too softly, even for me. "Vision…Italy…house…Edward…"

Actually, I stopped listening after I heard him mention Edward. Edward, Edward, Edward. Weren't those my last thoughts? The moments before I was bit were fuzzy, mere glimmers into my past instead of actual images in my mind. Sometimes it's nice – I don't have to remember, so I don't have necessarily have to be in pain. There's always been pain, though, and that's what I remember most out of anything in my human life.

Pain, pain, pain. There aren't enough synonyms, really, to cover how many times the hole in my chest has been split open or how many times I've felt sick enough with it to vomit; and vomiting isn't easy for vampires. My first hunt is the most perfect example, actually. It's one of the clearest things, memories, images, whatever you want to call them, that is still stationed in my mind.

Jake is gone. Jake is gone. He was my sun, my best friend, a possible crush. If I wasn't changed, I bet Jake and I would probably get together…

But I ran instead, having to satisfy the burning itch in the back of my throat. It's actually painful, how much I need something. Water – no, that's human. Blood. Although just the name – blood – seems to make me shudder, it sounds so amazing. The thick liquid soaring down my throat, the flavors gratifying the thirst.

Of course, there's still the puncture in my chest, whether my heart is beating or not. It's enough to cover over the thirst and make me want Edward more. Edward more than blood? On my first hunt?

I sigh. I'm insane – a (newborn) vampire wishing for her gorgeous (ex?)boyfriend to magically show-up compared to the need for blood. Hah.

Finally, as I turn a corner around a tree, a heartbeat makes me stop. It's soft, faint, and I strain my ears to find the source of the sound. It's to the east, I determine, and start to run as quick as possible toward it.

Running actually is coming much easier to me than I expected – my body feels strong and willing to push faster, and the feeling of being weak and tired while running isn't even remotely present. Actually, I feel as if I could run all day and everyday, just for the pure joy of it. I won't fall, I know that, and I won't run into a tree like I always expected with Edward. It's an incredibly nice feeling, like a tingling sensation is flowing inside my veins as my own kind of adrenaline.

But then the full force of a small creature's blood finds me, and before I realize what I'm doing, I leap. I soar through the air, the wind hardly fazing me as I zoom in on the doe that hardly registered I'm here.

To kill her?

It seems inhumane, really, but what can I do? It's torturous, really, but I need it. It's physical as well as mental – the overpowering thirst takes over all my thoughts, making my vision almost blurry and it cuts away any sounds besides the heartbeat.

My teeth sink into her throat just as she tries to dart away, giving me an easy victory. There's a crack as her neck breaks, and the animal's body falls limp in my arms. I don't stop to think of what I'm doing as the warm liquid flows from the pierces in her neck – where I bit her? – into my mouth, coloring it with flavor. It's not the salt and iron, rusty kind of flavor I was expecting – instead, it's inviting. Sweet and luscious as it runs down my throat. I feel more energized as more of it seeps into me, smothering the fire that was previously present in my throat.

It's not until I'm done that I realize what I just did.

I killed an animal – maybe she had babies, or a husband. A family. What if…I sigh. The doe's empty shell of a body rests lightly in my hands, and I can't bare to drop it. There's blood covering my hands, and I can feel it dripping from my mouth like a stereotypical vampire would have. I can taste the extra venom pooling in mouth.

I drop the carcass and run away. Far away. There's no burning itch in my mouth anymore – just the satisfaction of completing my first hunt. But how can I be happy? I killed an animal! I remind myself that this is what Edward has had to go through for years – hundreds of them. I just have to get used it. But with the thought of Edward, my heart drops. It's horribly painful, one of the worst pains that I've felt since the day he actually left.

Is it because I'm a vampire now and everything has to be intensified? I stop running and hold my stomach, feeling as if I'm going to puke.

One question runs through my mind: why?

I still think that a lot. Why? Why did I have to be changed instead of murdered, why did Edward leave, why was I here? Why did it still hurt, even after all these years? Could three years even be considered a long time? It sure as heck felt like it to me.

A hand placed itself lightly on my shoulder, but I didn't turn, even as Jasper started talking. "Bella, are we going? Alice is there, and she's anxious to see you…" I tuned him out after nodding to signal that, yes, we were going.

"I just…have to run by Charlie's house to grab some money – and maybe my passport? I hope it's still there…" I stammered after a moment.

I took off running, and let the wind lash in my face and whip my hair around in swirls behind me. Jasper ran beside me, his eyes trained on something far away.

It didn't take long to get to back to Charlie's house – my house? – but when we did get there, I immediately froze. Jasper stiffened beside me. Standing at the edge of the woods that made a perimeter around my house, we could see the lights and flashes of numerous emergency vehicles in the night. Cop cars, ambulances, a fire truck. A couple bystanders made a crowd behind a line of police tape.

I didn't move or speak. I didn't breath, but that was partly because of the bloodied sheet that was strewn across the limp body on a stretcher. Was that…Charlie? I let out a ragged breath and turned away, holding my stomach and mouth. Tears would have fallen if it were even possible.

"Bella…I…Alice…she didn't know…it was…Bella…" Jasper engulfed me in a hug, and laid my head on his shoulder, silently dry sobbing. Jasper wasn't breathing. But after a minute of soundless comforting, he spoke again. "Bella, you should get your stuff. It isn't helping that you're here, seeing this."

I nodded, and without even realizing my feet were moving, I began to run to the back window…which would have been Charlie's room. No one was around back, but there were fresh footprints in the mud. I noticed for the first time that it wasn't raining, then…

I jumped through the window, glad that it was unlocked, and slid through silently. Again, luck was with me, and not a soul was in Charlie's room. Unlike how I made visits to the Cullen's house, I rarely ever came here, unless it was to just…check up on things. The house hadn't changed much at all, though – it smelled musty and of take-out food, and of Charlie, though.

I gulped. More specifically, it smelled of Charlie's blood.

I crept to the door and peeked through the small crack between the door and doorframe. Everyone was downstairs or outside, apparently. I sighed in relief and ran into my room, opening and closing the door so quick it would have been impossible to tell someone actually did it.

I didn't expect my room to look any different, and it inevitably didn't. In fact, the clothes I had scattered along my floor, and the most recent homework on my desk was still present from the day I "died."

I walked to my drawers and shuffled through the clothes until I found some cash, and my passport hidden among them. Perfect. I didn't hesitate in leaving, and immediately went to my window, which was still unlocked. I opened it and began pushing my way through.

My luck ran out.

I hadn't turned on my light for obvious reasons, and it was perfectly okay when I could see amazingly well in the dark. But suddenly, right as I was about to jump and run, a light shone on me. Not my light, but a flashlight. Someone caught me.

I was caught, was all I thought as I stayed unmoving in the windowsill…

They could only see my backside, right? They wouldn't know it was me.

"Don't move!" The person shouted. Did they think I was the culprit? The person who maybe murdered Charlie? No, the voice was too sweet, too melodic to be a normal person. It sounded – and not to mention smelled – like a vampire.

Crap.

I jumped from the window and landed softly on the ground, taking off running before I even touched the ground. The other vampire was quicker than I was, though. Did she know who I was? Did she recognize my blood? I most certainly didn't know her…

A hand caught my arm, and I was pulled to a frayed halt, right in the center of the chaos and confusion that was my front lawn. Lights were fixed on me, stunned faces watching me with astonishment.

"Not to high and mighty now, are we?" The voice whispered. Then the hand left my arm before I could turn and find the face of the stranger.

It was silent for the longest time, me a statue, the other people's faces slowly flickering with comprehension as to who I was.

"Bella Swan?" someone whispered.

I felt Jasper breeze behind me, completely invisible, and he tugged on my arm without stopping his stride.

I turned and ran as the scene behind me become one of shock to utter bewilderment.

XXX

My gosh, it's been forever since I've updated. So sorry for those who actually like this story. I honestly have no excuse, either - not even writer's block, because I knew exactly what I wanted to happen.

Sigh.

Never let me go that long without an update again. Seriously. Send me hate mail or something. MAKE me update, cause I actually really, really like writing this story.

Anyway, November is National Novel Writing Month. (nanowrimo (dot) org). I expect EVERYONE to be doing it. Basically, you write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November.

Believe me, it's harder than it seems.

And I think that's all I have to say, except...I'm in overload with dance (every freakin' day, with lots of little performances this month, and our main production next month) and school. And writing. Dance, school, write. That's my life.

Review, please. Thanks. Everyone who does gets a hug, cause I'm feeling generous.

Elli