A/N: English is not my mother tongue, so I apologize for any grammar and spelling mistakes.

Thanks for the reviews ^.^

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It was almost christmas and Gail embraced the cold wind, making her feel a little at peace. It felt like it was blowing away some of the burden, that had been weighting her down recently.

Gail just sat their, on the cold ground, her legs crossed and looking at the tombstone right before her. Her parents, given who they are, had managed to get over with whatever they were dealing with and at least managed to give Steve a proper burial. Of course Gail didn't attend the ceremony. How could she? She had been angry, at herself, at Steve, at her parents. She couldn't bring herself to even look at a foto of Steve or at them, knowing they would have faulted her again for not lying in court. She was always the one to blame.

But now, here she was, reading the carved words slowly. Steve Peck…beloved son, brother and friend…his joy was in serving others….

Gail opened the glass bottle and took a sip, but grimaced afterwards. "I think I've never told you enough, that you have very bad taste when it comes to wine." she said, eyeing the tombstone.

"I took the day off today, cause this headache really is a bitch…Traci talked to me yesterday", Gail paused and took another gulp. "And she actually looked at me. And I could feel her eyes studying my every move. I could see genuine concern in her eyes, but I just had to push her away. I know she's still hurt and I remind her of you, so…." Gail let the sentence drift off, playing with the bottle in her hands.

"Traci is a good person, and she is the only woman in your life who was actually good for you. And I thought that you would be the first to actually break the cycle. I was mad at you after what you did; still am. But you're my brother, regardless of what you did and….I love you."

Gail took a few deep breaths. Who knew it was that hard telling a dead person how you felt about him. She laughed at herself, imagining that Steve might be amusing himself right now. He had taken the easy way out and she was still alive, barely holding on.

"You left me", Gail said as if realization just hit her. "Fist Holly had left, next I had to let go of Sophie and then you left me. And then it was everyone else."

Tears started to fall from Gail's eyes and she let them slide down her cheeks. "How could you just leave me here alone, in this shitty world?", Gail sobbed. "Why does everyone keep leaving me? Is it because I'm a messed up bitch, that people despise me-e" ,Gail's voice broke off at the end.

'It's because you're a Peck' she told herself. The next moment Gail felt like everything came crashing down on her, all the guilt, the anger, the pain. The darkness she had kept hidden away for so long, broke out of her. The darkness Perick had talked about; the shadow she wore on her face.

Her body began shaking uncontrollably and she felt this unbearable feeling of despair and loss.

Her heart constricted in pain and it took Gail a lot effort to even take a breath. The bottle of wine slipped from her hands and with one hand she steadied herself on the ground, while the other was massaging her chest, trying desperately to ease the tightness. Gail closed her eyes to shut out the world and tried to control her breathing.

Gail didn't know how long the panic attack had lasted, but she felt emotionally and physically exhausted. It had began snowing and she looked up at the sky, wondering if her brother was watching over her. Even if they had never throughly connected, it felt like she had lost an important part of herself when he had died.

Bit by bit she had lost something. Bit by bit she had lost herself, her hope, her light; she had lost everything that had defined herself. She didn't know who Gail Peck was anymore.

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I don't know what will come after this. Well, thanks for reading ^.^