Kendo Club

Ch 19

The Confrontation

The redhead looked anxiously at the girl, "talk? Talk about what, Kaoru?"

"About your journal," she replied without a trace of her previous smile, "and what you wrote about in there."

He made a confused face at her, hiding the sudden rush of worry and surprise. "I- don't understand. What journal?"

Kaoru sighed at him, "Kenshin, please don't play dumb with me. Be serious. I promise to not judge you until I know everything about your part of the story."

"There's nothing to talk about Kaoru, there's nothing for me to tell."

She sighed heavily and impatiently brushed her hair away from her face, "Kenshin, stop pretending. It's getting old, and I won't believe you." At any other time she could put up with the redhead and his goofy act, but after everything that had happened, after everything she had found out about her friend, she couldn't take it anymore.

Suddenly the girl paused thoughtfully, was it really an act? In his journal the teen had commented that whatever 'medicine' Katsura had given him had caused him to become the infamous hitokiri, but at the same time, in addition to changing his personality, it had also caused him to forget things, especially his past that was worth remembering, the happy times.

"Kenshin," the girl began slowly, holding back her growing anger, "do you… do you remember who I am?"

The boy blinked at her confused, "of course I do Kaoru. Why wouldn't I?" But she wasn't a simpleton; she had seen the flicker of guilt in his eyes before he had managed to hide it with his current perplexed expression. Which meant, for some period of time, he had forgotten.

She sighed softly and leaned over the bed, "You did forget, but…I don't blame you for that. I know," Kaoru paused, trying her best to phrase how she felt, "it, it wasn't your fault. But of course you're too nice of a person to admit such a thing."

Kenshin once again blinked at her, puzzling over in his mind how she could think that he, of all people, could be nice. As well as how all that was happening, and in which she was now included, was not his fault.

"But, Kaoru…"

The girl rapidly shook her head, "No Kenshin, I refuse to let you blame yourself for what's happened. You seem to be doing that far too much."

He blinked again, trying to gather his thoughts. But he was the one whose reckless actions had gotten her included in all of this. And 'this' had all started with the two of them somehow becoming friends, even though he had done everything possible to keep all of the people around him away. Somehow, she'd seen the good in him instead of all of the bad things he had done- and then gradually pulled him into her normal life, while he brought his own horrible past.

"Kenshin, I care about you. I don't want to see you hurting anymore. Now that I know the truth about you, and about your past- I want to be even surer that you don't fall into that again." Kaoru took a deep breath and then raised her head to look him fully in the eyes. "And I will do anything to achieve that goal."

Now the red-haired boy stared amazed at her, "but, Kaoru… I, I can't put you in danger like that. I know you've read the journal but, you couldn't possibly understand the real danger you'll be in if you continue to include yourself in my troubles." He stared imploringly at her, "please don't that to yourself."

"I don't care!" The girl shouted at him, her fists clenching tightly on the bed, "I already know there will be danger. It's not like enough people haven't told me about it!" She paused, "it's not true that I'm not scared of the danger, I am- but I'm concerned about you. I-I don't want you to get hurt."

He sighed, "Kaoru-san. Please, you need to worry more about yourself- I'll be fine."

Kaoru gave him a fierce look, "I worry plenty about myself Kenshin, I'm not concerned about me, I'm worried about you…someone needs to be, especially since you don't seem to ever."

A few minutes of silence went by; the only sound in the room being the constant sound of the monitor the redhead was hooked up to. The lapse in conversation gave the girl a chance to look carefully at her friend for the first time since she had entered. His hair was as intensely red as before, but the vibrancy that it had seemed to hold was gone now. What worried her most was how pale he looked, the lightness of his skin throwing the intensity of his eyes and darkness of the cross-scar into sharp relief. It made him look like a ghost of the boy she knew, or thought she knew.

His eyes also seemed to be different now. Before now he had always seemed to look at her in a certain way; it was just recently she realized he had been hiding most of his thoughts and emotions from her. The charming smile he always used on her was not a way to show happiness, but instead it was to distract her from seeing that he was hiding himself from her- that he wasn't letting her see the more unpleasant parts of himself that he desperately kept hidden. She found it sad that it was only now that she understood things about Kenshin that she should have known all along. He had stopped her from being aware of just how complicated of a person he truly was, of how much he hid behind the mask that he seemed to always wear. It was only the journal that had made her aware of all these things, and even though he hadn't seemed to really want her to read his memories, he had indeed let her in the end.

"Don't worry Kaoru; I am fine- no matter what you think." The teen turned away from her steady gaze, not being able to bear how deeply her eyes seemed to be boring into him. "I, never wanted you to be a part of this affair between Katsura and me. You shouldn't have to witness what I'm afraid will happen soon, you should never have learned any of these things in the first place."

The girls' eyes turned from studious to angry in little less than a second, followed by her unclenching and clenching her fists once more. "Kenshin Shinta Himura, don't you dare pull that crap on me again! No matter what you say or tell me, I am not going to back out from helping you! I am your friend no matter what, and friends do not leave each other to die, or to any fate that we ourselves can't stop!"

At her words Kenshin seemed to actually flinch and as she watched, her anger still fresh, his eyes shuttered mostly- diminishing the few amber specks that danced within the violet. "Kaoru," he said softly, his voice little more than a whisper as he slowly moved a little away from her. "I'm sorry that I made you angry."

Kaoru made a noise that showed just how little she believed that statement.

"You don't believe me," a soft laugh accompanied his statement. "I can see why you would feel that way. But, I do appreciate you saying that we are friends- it means a lot to me. Thank you."

The black haired girl fidgeted impatiently as her friend didn't say any more, only repeating his earlier words, but instead quickly quieted. She waited for a few minutes, giving him time so that he could talk, of course only if he wanted. When he didn't, Kaoru erupted at him, "That's all you're going to say, not anything else? Just that you're glad that we are friends and that you can see why I think what I do? Kenshin I don't think you understand how I feel about this arrangement, about what is happening right now between you and Katsura. You don't need to tell me that what is going on is extremely dangerous, I understand that- but yet, I want to stay with you. No matter how dangerous any of this gets, I still want to stay by your side and help to protect you."

Her frown and glare slowly faded into a smile that made her eyes shine brightly with emotion. "You don't have to worry about me, I can protect myself. I just want to help you feel better, so we can get you out of this hospital and back home." The girl carefully extended her arm so that her hand laid lightly on the edge of the bed. "It's not your fault that you're here; it's because of something that happened a few years ago."

"It might have happened awhile ago, but I was the one who did it. It is my fault that a stupid decision I made back then is now effecting the present." He still continued to refuse to look at her, or even move from his perch on the opposite side of the bed. "And it's also my fault for bringing you into this. If we had never met…"

Kaoru heaved a heavy sigh, "it's true that I might not have been involved in this if we had never become friends. But Kenshin, it's also true that this still might have happened, even if I wasn't a part of it. It's no use thinking about all of these 'what ifs,' anything that could have happened can't anymore. So you might as well just worry about the present, because there's no way to fix the past. It's happened, it's gone. There's nothing you can do."

The boy didn't move. He didn't even give any sign that he had heard her.

Now Kaoru knew what Hiko had meant by Kenshin being stubborn. He wasn't listening to her at all and seemed to be even refusing to see her point. He needed to realize, to needed to be shown to him that he didn't always have to blame himself for everything that happened. Sometimes it wasn't his fault, things just happened before you could do anything to stop them.

"Kenshin, if you're not going to listen to me, I just want you to consider one thing. What if you did have the chance to go back and prevent all of this from ever happening? Would you take it? If you were able to stop yourself from making the decision to leave, in that one important moment, would you? Would you really give up everything that you've learned, everything you've been through, and everything you've done just to not have all of this happen now? Do you really want to pretend like none of that happened? Do you truly think that you would be happier, both now and then, if you had never left?"

Less than a foot away, Kenshin sighed softly and looked down at his hand lying along the side of the bed. It had been drenched in so much blood, and had been the cause of so much blood. Other people may simply see it as a body part they use regularly every day, and didn't think about its other uses. But for him it had been the source of so much pain, so much blood, so much death… leading to the deadliest thing of all.

It had been his choice to wield a katana for Katsura and his cause, but he could never have anticipated just what consequences wielding such a weapon could bring. He had never expected the blood, or the pain it caused him and other people as well. During their practices his uncle had allowed him to use a katana, but first he had made sure that Kenshin knew every move, both offensive and defensive, so well that he could perform them in his sleep. He had made sure that Kenshin knew what it meant to be a swordsman, and what suffering it could cause. The main teaching of Hiten was wielding a sword in order to protect the innocents that others would subdue into suppression. He had done what he had done under Katsura in order to insure a better future for their city and for the people living in it. Especially for the people who weren't able to fight themselves.

But, everything had gone terribly wrong.

At first he had been able to remember his purpose and why he was with the organization, not only when he was among others, but also when he was fighting.

But, after a few times out on missions he began to forget and all of the blood and death began to overwhelm him.

In the end he had performed the assassinations; there was no better word for them, simply because he knew they had to be done. It had become an endless routine he didn't know how to escape from, and one that he didn't know any other options to.

It had taken an impromptu rescue by his uncle for him to realize just how lowly and inhuman he had become.

After he had returned to a normal life he had desperately tried to forget everything that he had done as an assassin. Trying to forget the persona and deadliness he had created to cope with the missions. But, accomplishing this was just as hard as trying to be a normal teenager again. He couldn't remember how to.

His aunt and uncle had tried to help him. They did their best to reintroduce him into their daily lives, to be nearby if he needed them but also distancing themselves if need be. He was grateful to both of them for their continuous support, but he knew that his life could never be what it once was. There were times when his aunt and uncle looked at him, and didn't think he would notice the fear and surprise in their expressions. He knew he had changed, he knew he had nearly become a different person, and it didn't take long for him to realize that they didn't know how to act around him anymore. There were times when he felt like they were tiptoeing around him, treating him like a dangerous beast.

And maybe he was.

Two years later he still hadn't been able to distance himself from the part of himself that remained of his days as Battousai.

Although that part of him wasn't gone, he had been able to maintain his control. His temper and patience had been reigned in so that it took him longer to snap at people. After a while the arguments between him and his uncle had slowly come to a stop, although they continued to disagree about many things.

There were many times during that period when Kenshin did in fact wish that he had never joined Katsura. He knew that if he had chosen a different way to deal with his annoyance with his uncle, if he had simply confronted his uncle instead of running, then he would still be the innocent child of his past.

It was his entire fault for letting loose upon his life, and city, the danger that was Battousai.

He had known that even though he had returned to his former life, his past would still catch up to him somehow.

And now it had.

But, this time he had involved innocents. People who had no idea what real terror and danger might be in store for them. Who had no way of knowing just how little they could really trust him, or just how different he really was from their picture of him.

Except for Kaoru.

Although he hadn't meant to, she had seen part of himself that he wanted to keep hidden. By reading his journal, she had learnt the horrible deeds he had done as an assassin; deeds that he doubted even the finest person could forgive. Not that he was asking for forgiveness, or for someone to understand.

He only wanted to protect the people around him from what would happen now, and to protect them from himself.

He owed that city and its citizens that much at least.

"Kenshin?"

The boy sighed and reluctantly dragged himself away from those thoughts.

"Yeah?"

Kaoru hesitated. During the silence that followed her question she hadn't been able to see his expression, which meant she had no idea what he was thinking- causing her to believe that she had somehow hurt his feelings or angered him by asking. But, she knew that it was necessary for him to consider such things. He clearly blamed himself for everything, and she wanted to show him he didn't have to. Sometimes it might be healthy to blame yourself for your actions, but the amount of blame and loathing he had for himself wasn't natural. He didn't deserve to live with all of the burdens he placed on his own shoulders, even though he seemed to believe that he did deserve such a life. He was just that kind of person.

"What are you thinking about?"

The black haired girl started, not having expected him to speak. "Um, nothing really. Just thinking."

When she looked up, Kaoru found him sitting cross-legged on the bed only a few inches away from her. But what surprised her most was that he was actually meeting her eyes, her worried sapphire meeting pale violet.

"Kaoru, please. I would like for you to tell me what's on your mind," the soft request interrupted her brooding over him and his insistence of self- loathing.

She blinked at him, only half-hearing the words. "Sorry?"

"You're being awfully quiet; I simply wondered what you were thinking about."

The girl smiled and lightly shook her head, "it's really nothing Kenshin. I, I'm just worried about you." She looked down at her hands and began fiddling with them, "you always think the worst of yourself and, that's just not… normal. Regular people don't have the level of self-loathing that you seem to have. I mean, I understand that you feel like you have every right to feel that way. But, you don't really." Kaoru was tempted to glance up at him to gauge his reaction to her words, but she was also afraid of seeing his expression. "It's true that you've done some horrible things in your life, and you've gone through some horrible experiences that I could never relate to. But no matter what you've done, you're still a wonderful person. And I'm delighted that I've gotten the opportunity to spend time with you and get to know you as I have."

She unclasped her hands and slowly snaked her hand across the bed to gently place her hand over his. "I know you don't believe this, but you're a good person Kenshin. A wonderful, amazing human being."

The boy quickly pulled his hands away from hers and placed them in his lap, staring down at them with emotionless eyes.

But, even though he had pulled away from her touch, he hadn't responded, which worried her.

She repeated herself quietly, leaning in towards him, "Kenshin, I'm not lying to you. I wouldn't lie to you. You are a wonderful person, a good person."

"Do you really believe that?"

Kaoru smiled at him, "yes, of course."

"If I'm such a wonderful person, then why did I kill all of those people? Why did I work as an assassin for so many years? Why did I allow myself to be used only for my skills, my deadly skills? Why did it take me so long to realize that what I was doing was wrong? Why didn't I even think twice about everything I did during those years?"

His fists clenched in his lap, "I was a killer Kaoru. I killed hundreds of people, maybe even thousands. And I only killed them because I was ordered to. Don't you understand Kaoru? I was a mindless murderer, I didn't even think about what I was doing. I didn't think about killing people."

The woman blinked at him, surprised and confused by his words. She desperately wanted to protest and argue with him but, in the end she found that it was difficult for her to do so. In some way, in some odd way, his words made sense.

"Kenshin, none of that was your fault! You weren't yourself! You weren't thinking straight! I know that there's no way you would do any of that. You're too good of a person. You're not like that at all! You're not a murderer!" She said, raising her voice at her last attempt to try to explain that he was wrong about the terrible opinion he had of himself.

In response Kenshin's eyes grew cold, and finally he snapped, "Damn it Kaoru, why can't you understand this! You can say all those things, and pretend you know the truth…. But you don't. You haven't known me nearly long enough to be able to understand the reality behind what happened. You can say that I'm not really a murderer, or that I wouldn't do all of those things, or that I wasn't myself or whatever you want to say. But, none of that's true. Everyone has a dark piece within their heart that lets them do horrible things. That's how the worse criminals in our society come to be. Little by little they succumb to the darkness within their hearts until all that is left is that darkness and that ability to do horrible things. They forget their ability to do well, or to be a good person. And, that's how I was. I was so focused on my anger and irritation with Uncle that I was blind to the lies Katsura told me. I didn't see the dangers of agreeing to work with him, so I was reckless and jumped in without thinking. You have no clue just how much I resent and regret that decision. It was one of the biggest decisions of my life and I blew it. So much could have been different; everything could have been different if only I had taken the time to think about the consequences of what I was about to do. You don't know what it's like waking up everyday thinking about what would have happened if I had made a different decision, thinking about what would have happened if I had never left this house, thinking about what would have happened if my parents had never died, about what if….. About what if I had never even been born."

Kaoru stared at the red-haired teen throughout his entire speech, horrified by the self-loathing words her friend was saying, as well by the way his eyes had become pure gold, as cold and radiant as the sun. He seemed to have completely changed during his speech, transforming from the warm, distant boy she knew well to a fierce, cold-eyed boy who practically radiated anger and at the same time, grief. The way he was looking at her, leaning towards her with a cold gleam in his eyes while he spoke, truthfully it scared her. She had never seen him like this. But, as his voice drifted off on the last sentence he lowered his head to gaze intently at the hands cradled in his lap.

"Kenshin…." The girl whispered softly, sensing that his anger had passed somehow and had been replaced by sadness. She leaned slightly in towards him, reaching out to him with a hesitant hand in order to gently grasp his own. But at the last moment he flinched and pulled his hands further away from her, as well as turning completely so his back was to her.

"Don't… just leave me alone."

His voice came back to her in a whisper, spoken in such a sad tone that hurt her to hear.

"Kenshin, please!" She tried reaching out for him again, but he only moved further away.

Shaking his head the boy mumbled, "Why do you care? You shouldn't care! You shouldn't care!"

"Of course I care! Friends care for each other! I care about you!" Kaoru yelled at him angrily, slamming her fist down on the bed while she glared at him.

"Don't say that!" He snapped angrily, turning to glare at her with intense gold eyes. "You're lying! You don't care!" The boy leaned in towards her until their faces were only inches apart. "Just leave me alone! Get out of here!"

The girl tried one last attempt to convince him, "Kenshin, no matter what you say, no matter what you've done… I do care about you. I care-"

"Shut up!" The red-haired teen yelled, clenching his fists. "Get out of here! Leave me alone!" He squeezed his eyes shut, his entire body tense.

"Kenshin."

He gestured wildly with his arm, nearly hitting her. "Leave me alone!"

Kaoru sighed and withdrew her hand, slowly standing up from the chair. "Fine, if you want me to leave so badly I'll leave!" She yelled.

The girl stomped across the room and paused in front of the door, swinging it wildly open to find Hiko standing a few feet away.

He turned to look at her oddly as she walked out of the room and slammed it loudly closed. Then, without saying a word she turned and stomped her way down the hall, ignoring everyone around her as they hurried to get out of the way of her warpath not seeing the tears streaming from her eyes.

Hello everyone! I apologize for not updating for a very long time (nearly a year apparently), but this year school took over my life in a very extreme way and refused to give it back until now. So here I am, on winter break, updating.

I apologize for any spelling or grammar errors you may find, my beta has been busy lately so I checked this myself.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and I'll try to update before another year goes by.

One last thing, if anyone reads Brotherly Bonds as well I will most likely be updating it soon as well.

Please Read and Review! Reviews (of any kind) would be greatly welcome!

Merry (Belated) Christmas and Happy (almost) New Year!

-mijichan