Not So Fireproof on the Inside

Chapter 5 Taking a Stab at It

A/N: If you're OTP gland isn't very strong, do not read this. It just might break it.

Hiccup felt nothing but the steady push of wind against his front and the beating of wide, leathery wings on either side of him, not at all one of the relaxing, awe-inspiring flights he was used to. Instead, the young rider felt empty, like he'd left a larger part of himself behind. He didn't even consider turning back, though. He couldn't. He steadfastly carried on, devout in his convictions.

He sensed that Toothless had huffed beneath him. The dragon had been in a sour mood since Hiccup began loading small cargo onto his saddle. It wasn't entirely because the Night Fury was indignant at being likened to a beast of burden, but rather, because he understood that they would be leaving their home for some (seemingly long) amount of time. Also, if his boy's mood was anything to go by, then this wasn't just a simple vacation. Worse still, he had noticed that none of his friends of his own species had come along, particularly that blue Nadder, the company of whom he quite enjoyed.

So of course Toothless was a little upset, but he didn't take his duty to his rider lightly and obliged nonetheless. Hiccup had scarcely led him astray before and the dragon was content to carry his friend anywhere, so long as he was allowed to follow along and there was a hefty payment of chin-scratches and cod.

Hiccup, however, was not so ready to accept this new migratory reality that had befallen him. Sure, Berk had been the dragon's home too, but not nearly as long as it had been his and he was sure that it didn't have the same sentimental value. Toothless lost his cozy house, the easily accessible fish, the abundance of people around to pet him, and perhaps a few buddies. But Hiccup had lost everything, save his best friend and the few possessions the two were hauling. He was losing the home he grew up in, the friends he grew up with, and most importantly, the woman he loved more than anything.

Astrid was the crux of his pain at the moment. She would probably hate him and he honestly hoped so. He hoped that rather than wasting her time waiting for him to come back, she wished to never see him again, at least for long enough until she forgot about him entirely.

Truth be told, he didn't think he would ever go back. He said he'd not return until he could fulfill his role, and he meant it, but he had no confidence that the day would ever come. He had prepared himself as best he could to leave Berk for the rest of his life. He'd only said such things because Gobber and his mother would never have let him go otherwise.

He'd made his peace, but that still didn't make it easy on him, especially where Astrid was concerned.

He loved Astrid; truly, deeply loved her, more than he had anything else in his entire life, except maybe Toothless and his father. He tried to reassure himself by again thinking over how he was doing this because he loved her, because he wanted her to have a full life that he wouldn't drive to disaster. He had no idea where he was going, what he was trying to find, or what he'd do if he found it. He wasn't about to drag her around the world to fall off the edge of the map.

He was sure that if Berk was under his lead for much longer, it would come to poverty and ruin. His people would starve and be forced to turn to violent savages. He'd die before he watched that happen.

Still, he knew she wouldn't see it that way. She might curse him, maybe never forgive him if she ever even did see again, which with any luck, she wouldn't think was a possibility. Still, he would always love her and he asked that Freya at least grant him that he would never forget her face.

The sick, boding feeling in Astrid's stomach was growing uncomfortable.

She swore profusely, though it was swallowed by the rushing air around her. Stormfly beat her wings furiously to propel them as fast as possible. What they were chasing could by far outrun them with little effort, so her only hope was that her prey went at a leisurely pace.

Her day had started out fantastic. She woke up pleasantly, an early morning start to her day. The sky was clear and the weather pleasant. It would have been a pleasant day to go out for a long flight. She'd thought that she might have even been able to steal Hiccup for a little while to do the same.

She'd mounted her dragon for a nice stretch of the wings. It had been nice too; all calm winds and peaceful silence. She had enjoyed herself, simply sharing some alone time with her scaly companion, a rarity among the busy skies of Berk. Such was the advantage of an early rising.

It was only when she had landed that her day had taken a turn for the devastating. She'd thought nothing of the quickly retreating black dot that had left as soon as she got close to the village. She'd just assumed her betrothed and his dragon had gone to map some island or another, as they often did. But when she touched down, she almost immediately realized something was amiss when so many seemingly pitying gazes came her way. She thought them odd, but nothing more as she passed by, shooting questioning glares at some who seemed to mouth "I'm sorry."

Of course, Vikings tend to have an aversion to speaking outright of such emotional topics, but most didn't even want to come near this Viking girl in particular, once she found out.

As she passed more people and they gave her vague condolence, she figured that she ought to head over toward the forge. Gobber typically had a pretty good idea about what was going on in Hiccup's mind. She decided she had better ask him about it.

By Thor was she right.

She was a blur of getting provisions and strapping them to her dragon after that. Gobber had told her of Hiccup's ill-advised plan and she started bolting about to get ready to give chase. Thankfully, she always had a couple of packs, ready to go for any emergency. Such was the life to which she was accustomed after years of Screaming Death attacks and Berserker invasions. She'd hardly said goodbye to her parents before she was off the ground, though they seemed to be advocating that she not go after him for more reasons than just parental concern for her safety. She ignored her suspicions and took to the sky.

She had to catch up to him and she felt a little sorry for Stormfly, working so hard to reach the Night Fury. They had often trained for things like this, both rider and dragon doing to the most to keep in top physical condition. So while she was sympathetic toward the Nadder, she had more than enough confidence that her girl could do it.

And she did, after a couple of hours.

The sun was higher in the sky over the grey, northern waters. Its rays warmed her despite the cold of the altitude and the wind. Astrid leaned down into Stormfly from atop her, trying to share some of the warmth. Despite being cold blooded, the dragons were still big, fire-breathing lizards and they threw their body heat pretty gamely. The Viking girl appreciated her blue beastie for her many uses, the highest of which being a deep, deep friendship.

Although, her sense of smell as a Tracker Class dragon was really coming in handy.

After a few rapid inhales to gather the information provided by the wind, Stormfly dipped downward toward a fairly large sea-stack. Astrid, having learned to trust the Nadder completely, simply leaned into the saddle and held the horn at the center of it tighter. They dove in a mild descent toward the stone outcropping. As they approached, the rider began to focus on a black smudge on the greenery atop it. Toothless. Astrid gave Stormfly a pat on the neck as reward for her quick work, though she knew that she had incurred at least a trout-sized debt.

Bird-like dragon feet were on the moss-covered rock a few moments later, and fur-trimmed boots hit the stone ground. Only a few feet away, a boy was snoozing against his Night Fury in a way that well conveyed exhaustion. The noise of the landing had roused the slumbering beast, but upon recognizing the dragon and her rider, he bolted up and toward them, almost throwing off the russet-haired trainer.

"Mmph…Toothless, why?" Hiccup groaned tiredly as his back hit the ground roughly. His mild annoyance at being woken was clearly evident in his hoarse voice. He rubbed his eyes with his forearm while he used the other to prop himself up. After cajoling his upset, baggy eyes, he took his arm away to glare at his dragon, but instead found a certain blonde girl staring back with her arms crossed, giving him a wry look.

He tried to push the thought out of his mind that she looked amazing in her blue legging leggings, armored skirt, and red tunic. Gods, how he loved that tunic on her. He was quickly able to his suppress his admiration with alarm soon after.

"As-Astrid! What are you doing here?" he almost yelped, scurrying to his feet. This was not at all how his plan was supposed to go. He was supposed to be long gone before she realized. There was supposed to be no way that she could follow him. But of course she had. He hadn't taken into account her sheer…Astridness.

He knew it had been a mistake to stop for a rest, but he'd been up all night and was so tired. It served him right for being weak.

"I could ask you the same question, babe," she shot back sarcastically. She walked over to him with a teasing smile on her face which was not nearly as furious as he had been expecting. Someone had clearly told her something about his leaving. He began to wonder just how much she knew, however. It was probably Blabbermouth the Belch, that smithing traitor.

"How'd you find me?" he asked cautiously.

"Gobber…" (of course) "…he told me you left, so Stormfly and I were tracking you down a few minutes later". A smug grin was twisting was twisting at her lips as she said "So…where are we going?"

He knew this was going to be tough.

"Astrid, no…" he began, only to be readily interrupted.

"What do you mean 'no'? You couldn't actually have been thinking that you could just sneak off without me finding out, could you? I'd have thought you were smarter than that," she teased him, poking a finger into a softer portion of his leathers at his side. He recoiled sharply and covered the 'wound', but gave her a hard look.

"Please, stop…"

"Wuss (1)," she admonished him with a merry smile. "Now, do you need to go and finish your nap over there or are we ready to go?"

"You can't come with me," he interjected sharply. He fought to keep his face placid and serious despite the pain that seemed to creep through. He winced without looking at her, squeezing his eyes shut. He couldn't look at her face while he said this. He could barely say this at all. After a moment of terrifyingly non-violent silence, he cautiously peeked at her.

She only stood there blinking at him for a moment as her face fell. She was confused; he could tell that much. She watched him scrupulously, trying to see reason where there didn't seem to be any. He suddenly wished he had something to do with his hands.

"Hiccup…what's wrong?" she asked, her voice taking on a gentle but curious quality. Ever to the point, she was, and so remarkably bright. She knew him, far beyond the meager comprehension had by his friends and fellow villagers. Astrid understood him, so well that it often seemed as though she could peer into his brain and see his thoughts forming before they were aired. It made something inside him wrench just a little more.

How would he tell her this? How could he? Astrid was a strong girl, that much was obvious, but it had taken him almost 20 years of continuous (albeit largely ineffective) trying to get her to let down her defenses. She trusted him, with more than just her safety. She showed him all of herself, the parts she hid away to protect her from the cold, harsh world Vikings were accustomed to. She was strong, but she might not be this strong.

There was no way to go about this that wouldn't hurt her. As with seemingly every other situation in the young chief's life, there was no winning. His only hope was to minimize damage, to hope that he didn't truly break her. Because he could as well. She had given him such a piece of herself that he could leave the rest of the whole wanting forever. He had that power, but now he wished he could give it back.

Though every muscular fiber tried to deny him, Hiccup willed his eyes to meet hers, now more grave and determined than ever. He was still going to protect her, even if it meant hurting her now.

"Astrid…" he said, barely above a whisper, looking at her and pleading for her to listen, "I'm leaving Berk, probably forever, and you cannot come with me". He tried to be resolute. He tried to be clear and concise and all the things he needed to be if he wanted her to believe him. And he desperately needed her to believe him.

"What do you mean I can't come? Of course I'm coming," she responded defiantly. Her tone had regained some of its energy and she sounded understandably a bit peeved at the moment. He had just slighted her, it would seem; told her that he either didn't think her worthy enough to join or trustworthy enough.

"You need to go home, back to Berk," he said sternly, though there was a slight waver in his voice as he realized he couldn't call Berk 'home' anymore. He pushed that thought aside for later.

"Then you're coming back with me," she announced, matching him in firmness.

"No, you're going back to Berk and I'm going away…as far as I can get," he answered. He hadn't meant it to sound like such a command, but he could sense the conversation heating up gradually and hadn't been able to stop himself.

"Stop ordering me around like a child," she seethed dangerously and rightfully so. Before he could backtrack, she continued "You either come home with me or you leave with me, but doing one and telling me to do the other isn't one of your choices."

"Astrid…"

"No, don't 'Astrid' me! You won't tell me what's going on, you won't tell me where you're going, and you just expect me to kick rocks and let you leave?! Maybe after these past months as a chief, you've confused the two, but I'm your promised, not your subject!" she growled at him, pointing an irate finger at his chest and stepping close enough that he could begin to see the fury rising from her neck and into her face.

He looked despondently at the ground and quietly said, "Astrid...".

"Hiccup, I swear by the gods; if you say my name like that one more time, I'll split you from neck to navel!"

"…you're not my promised anymore" he muttered timidly, struggling to get a word in edgewise between her ranting and his own reluctance to say it. His life flashed before his eyes for a short while as her face changed from furious to confused for a moment while she dissected his words in her mind.

"What do you…"

"We're not engaged anymore" he croaked sadly, trying desperately to keep her from talking, because he knew it would pulverize his already crumbling heart, "I talked to your father this morning. I'm releasing you from our contract". He closed his eyes so he didn't have to watch his own betrayal come over her face.

He didn't know a fist was hurtling toward his face until it hit him squarely on the cheek.

"How could you?!" she shrieked and he forced himself to believe the crack in her voice was from the volume and anger in it, though he knew better.

"I'm sorry, but…" he began, frantically trying to say something, he didn't know what, but anything to try and minimize the pain he knew he had just dealt her. His face was throbbing but he could in no way blame her for it. He'd have done far worse to himself in her place.

"Don't you dare tell me you're sorry! You couldn't possibly be saying any of this to me if you were 'sorry' " she was yelling now, but he could see the hurt behind her words and the way her eyes had livid tears just starting to fall onto her cheeks. He tried to speak up again, but she interrupted "Shut! Up! I can't believe you. Stupid me for actually thinking you meant it when you told me you loved me!".

That…that hurt. A lot, as in more than he could describe. He'd rather have lost his other leg. He held back his wince and the sob trying to choke him. It was hard to breathe for a few moments as he looked at her, fuming and furious and breaking on the inside. He pushed through it, remembering why he was doing this, why he was putting a knife in her back and another in his chest. He would actually lose his good leg if it meant saving her.

"I-I…no, you're right…I guess I don't" he forced from his throat weakly. He couldn't meet her eyes as he said it, as he lied to her through his teeth. He had meant it, meant it more than anything. Going back on those words left a deep wound in him, one that would scar over but never go away.

Those simple sentences seemed to have really struck Astrid. She almost recoiled just at the sound of them and gasped subtly. He realized he'd done it, he'd broken her. He watched her sadness, her pain, and her anger all turn into hatred.

She called to her dragon, who had stopped playing some time ago to cautiously observe unfolding quarrel along with Toothless. Astrid climbed atop Stormfly quickly and took off after leaving Hiccup with one last injured, but hateful glance. With that being the last goodbye she'd give him, they sped away as fast as they could, back towards Berk, probably wishing him a torturous death all the way, which he justly deserved.

Hiccup had completed his task with her, but felt no sense of success to speak of. He stared at the retreating form for minutes after, until it shrunk out of view. Once he could no longer see them, he turned back to his own dragon to find the beast in question scowling at him.

"Come on, bud" he said faintly, drained like he had torn the only remaining piece of himself out and cast it away. He moved toward him to mount up, but Toothless refused to let him on.

The Night Fury growled lowly and his eyes narrowed. He butted his head against his rider's chest, almost knocking him off his feet. When he watched Hiccup stumbled back, he nodded toward the direction of the departed females pointedly and stamped his foot onto the stone.

"I know, alright? I fucked up, I get it. Now let's just go" the boy agreed tiredly, but received only another glare and an angry huff. "Toothless, I had to! You know I couldn't convince her to just stay behind while we're out here getting lost" he answered guiltily. He knew that he wouldn't necessarily have earned approval, but he had hoped for at least some much needed comfort from his best friend. He wasn't sure he could handle both arguments in one day.

He earned some further dragon-vocalizations, now less disdainful and more sympathetic. "I know, I lied. I was a coward and I should have talked to her before I left instead of just trying to disappear before she noticed. But I had to. She would have followed anyway and she needs to be back on Berk where she'll be safe and happy and become something great. She always belonged there and…well…we never did" *a throaty grunt* "okay…I never did. Are you done? Can we go now? We're still not far enough away and it's almost sundown".

Toothless huffed once more to show how much he didn't agree, but he understood his rider's pain. He gestured toward his saddle with his head and let Hiccup get on, who murmured 'thanks' as he seated himself. He didn't spare the boy a hard slap to the face with his ear once he climbed on, however. When Hiccup simply settled back down and didn't respond, Toothless began to worry.

The only thing on Hiccup's mind was a simple, but agonizing question: What would his father think of him now?

A/N: I know, you hate me. I killed your OTP and I'm a bad, bad man. My only response is that you may leave now, as this won't be resolved quickly, or you can spread a little bit of faith over a long, long time. I'd personally prefer if you did the latter, but I won't be offended. It's not particularly pleasant for me either, but I think it makes for a good story when you eventually come to realize what I'm doing.

Additionally, a reader (obviously I won't say who), commented in a guest review that Hiccup is being an ass (no argument there), but also that he is treating her like the type of man "who thinks he knows best for a woman". Now, firstly, I'd like to say that I appreciate all reviews, positive or negative, so long as they're constructive. I'd say this falls within that, although it borders ever so slightly on offensive, but I'll forgive that in this particular case, because I don't think it was intentional. Regardless, I'd like to respond to this here, because some of you may be thinking the same thing and I couldn't do it privately anyway. Hiccup is not being sexist here; at least I don't think so. I will stipulate that he is making this very important and certainly damaging choice for her, but it isn't because she's female.

Hiccup cares about her deeply, loves her in fact. He's trying to protect, even if it's from herself. He doesn't want to have to say to anyone that he doesn't know or care what will happen to him, but that he intends to leave and never come back. This is kinda like a 'Hiccup runs away' AU flipped on its head. He feels as though he's disappointing everyone else and leading them to ruin, so what he wants least in the world is to be doing both of those things, especially to Astrid. He doesn't want to take her with him toward a hard life when he believes she's better off without him to begin with. It's kind of a mix between an inferiority complex and lacking self-confidence. I don't see him being content that Astrid loves him, because he didn't even think his father could. Anyway, that's my opinion and why I think it's neither sexist nor wildly out of character, but my literature (just like the rest of it) is open to interpretations, so you could call this whole thing a schizophrenic hallucination that never really happened.

(1) An admiring hat tip to you, Midi.

P.s. If you noticed my avatar/my pen name changing over the past couple of weeks, you can ignore it. Such is the result of a couple of slow weeks and my beta and I getting bored enough to play Truth or Dare. It's best if you just let me pretend that no one saw it.