Chapter 7: The Ties That Bind

Claire liked to think of herself as a good person. She knew that she was abrasive and blunt, and demanded a lot of respect but when it came down to it, she thought she was a good person. She didn't always think this, though. For a very long time she thought she was a terrible person and what made her rather sick was that she thought that was better. She used to think that being rude and demanding and over all very pompous was a good thing, and strove day and night to be just like her older brother who truly was the picture of pureblood ideals.

Claire hadn't realized how incredibly wrong this mentality was until her second year of Hogwarts. She was friends with Andrew Fawley, one of the other pureblood children in her house. They were a successful and intimidating duo that succeeded in every endeavor set before them. They were beautiful and smart and powerful and Claire felt there was no greater feeling than this. Here, at this moment, she was on top of the world; she could only keep climbing until she reached the stars.

It's important to know that Claire Parkinson had never been good at containing her emotions or holding her tongue. If she was unhappy then she made sure everyone was aware. This generally led to her getting an extra piece of cake or the shiniest new toy in the shop. However, as time progressed and her mind matured she began to see things differently. As a child who often spoke her mind and was rewarded for it, it was shocking the first time she experienced discipline for this act.

Her Aunt Cathy was her father's sister and, from what Claire understood as a child, a very stupid woman. She was still family however, and therefore deserved respect and love. Claire had never noticed that "love" was not actually used by her family, but Claire was not unfamiliar with the concept. She had read enough books (even muggle ones if they were available) to understand that the bond of family that her parents always spoke of could be nothing other than love. It was these ideals that were her undoing, she realized a year later when she met Theodosia Clarke.

Aunt Cathy was not yet an old woman but none could say the once youthful shine in her eyes still glimmered. She had dark brown hair and tanned skin, with soft blue eyes. She bared no resemblance to Claire's mother and had a certain look about her that separated her from the rest of the Parkinson family and even her own family, the Flints. Claire didn't think much of her strange aunt until she turned nine and had a strange conversation with her over the winter holidays. Claire was a smart child, but not smart enough to truly understand the weight of the conversation until much later in life.

"I love you," her aunt had mumbled into her hair as she held Claire's body to her torso, pulling the small girl onto her lap. Claire, who had never actually heard those words spoken to her before, had only a vague idea as to what the proper response might be.

"I know," she whispered. She kissed her aunt on the cheek as she often did when she was addressing family. It wasn't a warm kiss of affection but rather a chaste kiss of acknowledgment. Aunt Cathy chuckled.

"Do you love me too?" Claire was taken aback by the question, thinking the answer would be obvious if they were family. Family loved one another; that was how it goes. Nothing was more important than who your family was.

"Of course I do, silly. Don't be daft." A swift smack up the head told Theo she had said something wrong though she was not yet sure what. She simply apologized and made to get off of her aunt's lap but she was held firmly in place.

"You're nothing like your brother," Aunt Cathy whispered into her hair. Claire was offended by this passive comment, finding this to be the ultimate disgrace. Her brother was perfect in every way. He was what she aspired to be and being told she wasn't even close was a great offense.

"I am too!" She tried to wiggle out of her Aunt's grip but she held firm.

"No, not in the ways that count. I don't want you to lose this part of you, no matter what happens, ok? I don't care what your mother and father say, I want you to hold on to the things that make you who you are."

Claire remembered this offense for the following three years and while it held a special place in her heart, it was not something she found herself thinking about often. All she thought about was being better so that she could be more like her brother. She was determined to prove her strange aunt wrong. She would show her that she could be as powerful as her brother. More so, if she tried hard enough. She would make her family proud.

Claire's opinions began changing rapidly during the winter holidays of her second year at Hogwarts, in which she heard some very shocking news.

"Dead, just like that!"

"Daft woman should have seen a healer."

"Serves her right, mingling with those half-bloods…"

Claire wondered who could have died, but before she could make her presence known her mother was speaking again.

"Damn Cathy. I told her she needed to get her head on straight but did she listen?"

Cathy? They couldn't mean Aunt Cathy, could they? She was so young and healthy… She shouldn't be dead. And why were they so calm? Someone from their family was dead! Nothing was more important than family and one of them was dead! This wasn't right. Claire's world seemed to shift beneath her feet as she listened to her mother and her grandmothers continue to speak.

"She was always a stubborn runt. Lucky she died before I disowned her. Marrying a mudblood? How absurd," her grandmother spoke as if she had something between her lips and Claire could only assume it was one of those smoking sticks her grandmother always had on her. Claire couldn't understand this. Her Aunt wasn't engaged as far as she knew. What was happening? How could they be happy that she was dead? She was family!

"It is rather fortunate that she passed before she could disgrace the family," her mother said idly, as if discussing the weather. Claire could not take it anymore and marched into the room, jaw set as she was taught and began verbally assaulting her family. She yelled and yelled about how Cathy was family and they were supposed to love her. She yelled about how they couldn't leave her behind and how they should mourn her death, not celebrate it. She only stopped when her grandmother's hand collided with her cheek and even then she turned her eyes back to her family and snarled.

From then on it became abundantly clear to Claire that family did not mean to her parents what she had once thought. Her family was a cage, a gilded cage meant to be beautiful and binding. There was a golden ball and chain attached to her ankle that held her to them. She was not so much their daughter as she was a pawn. She was meant to do as they said without question and act with no remorse. She was blinded by the idea of familial ties in the looping red ribbons but now the chains were pronounced and heavy. She was disillusioned and with this knowledge she found strength. Her Aunt Cathy had been right all along; she was nothing like her brother. She knew love, when he clearly knew none.

She felt sorry for him.

(^^)

Isabel was not one for arguments. She found them to be draining and ineffective. She felt the most effective methods of persuasion were actions though she never underestimated the power of words. She found that attempting to change a person's mind rarely worked and in general chose to keep her opinions to herself. Many took this to mean she agreed with them and she found herself in the good graces of most of her family. She knew that this could have the opposite effect as well, and there would be people who saw her silence as offensive. This was fine. She rarely sought anyone's approval, simply their respect.

And even as a child she had a great deal of respect. She was a talented young girl who showed promising signs of a good future. Her parents believed that she would find a fantastic husband and carry on their blood. She never voiced that she found it disgusting, being auctioned off like some kind of broodmare. She knew her worth stretched beyond that of reproducing and raising her family status, but she kept this knowledge to herself. She would bide her time and perhaps, one day, prove to the others with her success that she was greater than she could ever realize.

Being placed into Slytherin was not a surprising thing to her. They valued cunning and success and power, all of which she had and craved. She got along well with the others in her house and made connections immediately. In light of all of this she never had any real friends. There was no one to tell when she was scared or angry or hurting. She kept a straight face and held her tongue and played the part like she was supposed to. It was draining.

Meeting Claire Parkinson was a strange experience. She seemed to embody everything Isabel despised and while she was the daughter of a powerful family, Isabel did not take time to humor her like she did the other children. Claire never seemed to notice this until their second year at Hogwarts, in which she approached Isabel in the common room.

"You're Greengrass, right?"

Isabel raised an eyebrow but nodded anyway. It wouldn't do to be on her bad side, anyway.

"Good, I've heard about you. Fancy a walk?" Isabel was taken aback by her calloused behavior but was nodding before she even realized it. She left her things at the table and followed the strange girl out of the common room and into the empty corridors. Claire took Isabel to a quiet hallway some distance from the common room before finally stopping.

"So what is this about, Parkinson?" Claire shifted from foot to foot. She was uncomfortable and wanted to make that plain to anyone who was looking. Isabel wondered how she could be so open with her emotions to a complete stranger.

"I've seen you around. You don't act like the others."

"I don't?"

"You don't," Claire confirmed, seeming to gain confidence. "You don't really rock the boat. Everyone thinks you're just like them but they're wrong."

"What are you getting at?"

"Due to some recent events I am without friends. I need someone who gets me, and I think you're the perfect fit." Isabel could not believe her luck. This girl she had been unable to befriend was offering her friendship so willingly, as if the universe itself was smiling down on her. She hastily agreed.

She found quickly that being friends with Claire Parkinson was much different than she was lead to believe. She shared a room with the girl but she rarely ever spoke. She always thought that Claire was a pureblood through and through like her brother in the seventh year, and that she thrived in the pureblood ways. Being friends with her now showed a much different person. She would rant and rave about the injustice of it all and how they were worse off than muggleborns. She talked about how ridiculous she found fancy parties and social events that did nothing and proved less. Isabel found that she agreed with a great deal of what she was saying, but she never did so openly. She would listen to Claire like a good friend and Claire would never let Isabel out of her site. Isabel had been friendly to people but she never walked to class with anyone, she never sat with the same person at lunch daily, she certainly never went so far as to hug any of them but Claire believed that this was necessary.

Isabel's patience with Parkinson was waning as winter turned to spring, and it disappeared altogether when Isabel was attempting to befriend a first year who had some important parents. Claire had barged in and told the kid to beat it if he knew what was good for him, then began to openly discuss how terrible she found him and his family. The kid wasn't even out of earshot. Isabel's patience was nowhere in sight and in a fit of uncharacteristic anger she grabbed Claire's sleeve and dragged her off. When they were finally alone she turned on her "friend".

"What is your problem," she hissed. "You walk around all day like you own the school and you insult anyone you disagree with. You're a Parkinson, for Merlin's sake! How can you be so obvious?! You can't just do that!"

Claire seemed unimpressed by her friend's little tangent and turned to go back to the common room. Isabel grabbed her shoulders and pinned her to the wall. "Don't you dare! Just because you think with a clearer head than half of these useless kids doesn't mean you get to just write them off! You have a family to think about!"

"My family means nothing more to me than I am to them. They are a means to an end. You know that, you think the same way." Isabel was taken aback by how freely she talked about such things.

"You can't just—"

"Of course I can, and so can you. The sooner you realize that playing your part is holding you back, the sooner you can actually get somewhere. I don't know about you, but I don't plan on riding their coattails my entire life."

"How can you be so careless?!"

"I'm not careless, I'm independent. Now the sooner you work your way through your little crisis of identity, the sooner we can get to work."

"Get to work?"

"Yea," Claire said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I need to talk to Anna Hart. She's like a bloody genius when it comes to charms and I have an idea…"

Isabel surmised that she would never really understand Claire, but she felt something for her that was undeniably different to anything she had ever felt before. She learned eventually that this is what friendship was like, and never felt as strongly for anyone as she did for Claire until she met Theodosia Clarke.

(^^)

Sirius did not need much attention.

That was a lie. Sirius loved attention in all of its forms. What Sirius didn't need much of was good attention. As long as the people who were important to him still smiled at him in the morning then it wouldn't be so bad that his mother had written her disappointment quite eloquently on an expensive piece of parchment in swirling cursive handwriting. It didn't matter that his little brother still pretended that he didn't exist and it especially didn't matter that he spent the holidays with the people who seem to hate him most in the world.

What Sirius could not handle was no attention at all and that was what Theodosia Clarke was guilty of. He may have been sick and irrational when he complained that she hated him but he wasn't wrong when he said she never talked to him or that she cringed from his touch like he pressed hot iron to her skin. She would rather pretend he wasn't there at all and when she couldn't she made herself as closed off as possible. Sirius had never experienced avoidance quite like this. This was a person who was well versed in the art of ignoring things that upset her. It wasn't like his brother who couldn't help but shoot him looks during meals when he thought Sirius wasn't looking, or exes who turned up their nose and scowled when they saw him. Theo seemed to have no feelings at all towards him, and if you asked Sirius, that was worse than hate. That made him irrelevant.

Sirius would often complain about this, and James would often say she'll warm up to him. That was easy for James to say, she smiled at him. Smiled! Sirius was lucky to get a look and James not only got acknowledged, but he also got a positive reaction. Sirius, of course, had made an effort to get Theo to talk to him. And she would, technically, talk to him but he wouldn't consider what they did as talking. It was more like Sirius spoke at her and occasionally she would speak at him. He threw words at her like rocks at a window and sometimes the window would crack but the person behind the window was never present.

He went so far as to try and ask her about herself, knowing that she could not say she wasn't ignoring him if he asked and she didn't answer. Naturally, she answered but not surprisingly it was clipped and cautious.

"What's your favorite subject?"

"Transfiguration."

"Why?"

"The theory is fascinating."

"Cool. I like Defense Against the Dark Arts."

"Good for you."

And then she'd either continue what she was doing or do something else for the sake of doing anything that was not talking to him. He made similar attempts and had similar results. One day he was so frustrated he said the first thing that came to mind and found that this was both better and worse because she actually responded but it had been incredibly negative and brief. Sirius did this twice. The first went something like this.

"Is it true you like Greengrass?"

"Who the hell told you that?!"

"No one! I just… I thought…"

"Well keep your thoughts to yourself, would you?"

And the second went something along these lines.

"I heard you had a bit of a fit on Christmas."

"Yes and I heard you had a wonderful time with your mother."

Sirius found he did not want to continue after that. He should have known that Greengrass and Parkinson would talk about his little… argument with his mother during a dinner party. It had ended very badly and he had yet to even mention to James that home life was less than stellar. He always told his friends that it was boring at worst and they didn't seem to believe him when he had that nasty bruise on his shoulder. He said he had fallen down the stairs and that wasn't a complete lie though the truth was more like "I fell down the stairs because my house elf pushed me and got rewarded by my mother for it."

So after that brief conversation Sirius reverted back to his old methods with the same lack of success until finally he couldn't take it anymore and he found himself waiting outside of the Slytherin common room entrance waiting for a particular group of girls. Instead, he only caught Greengrass.

"What can I help you with?" She was always friendly, especially when a pureblood heir was involved.

"I have some questions about Theo," he blurted rather ungracefully. He mentally kicked himself for his bluntness.

"Oh? And you can't ask her because…?" She seemed amused by his suffering. Her light smile grew wider when he began shifting from foot to foot at her question. This was ridiculous. He was Sirius Black! He was not about to let Theo win.

"She and I don't get on," he said much more confidently than he felt. She chuckled, and Sirius actually felt his cheeks heat up.

"So I've heard. Still, she answers your questions, no? You should still be able to ask her whatever it is you want to know."

"I don't find it very enjoyable to ask people why they hate me." Isabel chuckled a little harder at that.

"She doesn't hate you, Black. If you took the time to stop feeling sorry for yourself you would have noticed. Now if that's all?" She made to go around him to her dorm but he stepped in front of her, blocking her path.

"She does hate me though! She never talks to me, never even looks at me unless she has to!"

Isabel let out a long, exasperated sigh. "I thought you were smart…"

"Excuse me?"

"She's doesn't hate you, you simpleton. She's scared of you."

Whatever Sirius had been expecting, it certainly hadn't been that. She felt like someone had dumped ice water all over him and then punched him in the gut just for good measure. Sirius had never wanted anyone to be afraid of him. Fear was what people used to control other people. Fear was felt when you have no idea how someone is going to react to what you're doing or worse, knowing how they are going to react to something you can't control.

"What… why? Why would she…?" Isabel rolled her eyes.

"Because she still thinks that you're going to turn around and start being awful to her again."

"Why would I do that?!"

"You didn't have a reason the first time, why would you now?" She scrunched up her nose as if she smelled something awful. "Actually, you did. She was an easy target. You were hurting and so you took it out on the one person who you knew wouldn't fight back. She still won't fight back, so what's going to stop you?"

Sirius was taken aback. How dare she? She didn't even know him? He didn't know what he was feeling or his motives. She had no place to say that to him! His gut was twisting and turning in an uncomfortable way and Sirius began to wonder if it would ever feel right again. He wanted to be sick and yell all at the same time because someone thought that of him. Someone thought that he used them as his own personal punching bag. Theo was afraid to be around him because he… he took his anger out on her like the ass that he was.

"How do I fix it?"

"What?"

"How do I make it so she isn't scared to be around me? I apologized twice… I just want us to get along." And Sirius really meant that. Nothing seemed more important to him right now than getting Theo to like him. James adored her and, if Sirius was being honest with himself, he understood why. They would huddle close together sometimes and discuss the best way to accomplish a prank that James had thought up or how they were going to find every secret passage in the building. Peter was fond of her too and she seemed to really enjoy his company as well. The boy never seemed happier than when he was talking to Theo about muggle things and how different they were in America than they were here. Remus seemed to truly enjoy her company as well. She was always sweet to him and incredibly patient during their potions lessons, even if he messed it up. They would work together on homework and they were discussing their shared interest in learning how to knit.

They all had their own little things with Theo. They were all friends with Theo. They all seemed to really care for her and Sirius wanted something like that with her too. If she was truly as wonderful as they said, then there must be something they could enjoy together, right? Sirius hated feeling like an outsider at Hogwarts when he already felt it so acutely at home.

Isabel looked him up and down, as if trying to assess his sincerity. She didn't trust him in the slightest he realized. She had seen his as the Black family heir for too long to know anything else of him. So what if he was in Gryffindor? To her, he was still the same. She didn't trust her best friend to people like him.

"That's not really up to you." She spoke slowly, waiting for a reaction. When none came she continued. "If you really want her to trust you, do those good things you Gryffindors are known for and at some point she might come around. There's nothing you can stage that will change her mind. It has to be genuine."

Isabel sauntered off without a backward glance, leaving Sirius feeling even more hopeless than when he started. His limbs suddenly felt too heavy and the thought of making it all the way back to Gryffindor Tower from the dungeons seemed impossible. Each step seemed to take more and more out of him and the closer he got the more lost he felt. There was nothing he could do. She was going to be afraid of him forever. All he had to do was stand in the same room and she would be tense and concerned, constantly looking over her shoulder and wondering if now was the time when he used her to make himself feel better.

Isabel had a point, whether he liked it or not. He thought about the first day and how vulnerable she looked. He had already disliked her because she got his mother all riled up. She had almost been calm when she was dropping him and Regulus off, and for a second he thought she might even smile. It wouldn't be for him of course, but it would be there and it would be something better than the months of screaming and never finding peace. Then Theo had run into her and it all came crashing down right before his eyes.

Then she sat in his seat! If it had been anyone else Sirius would have let it slide but he couldn't. She was the cause for his hurt on the platform and in his mind she needed to pay. He knew James only went along with Sirius in pranking her and generally making her life harder because he was trying to be a good mate, but he knew that James didn't always like it and sometimes even spoke out if Theo was looking particularly run down.

That was the other thing. She was always tired. Didn't she ever sleep? She had to, right? How could she always seem so exhausted? What did she have to be upset or tired about? Now he had a long list of things that she was probably upset about and he was near the top if not number one itself.

But no matter how tired or upset she was she never took it out on others. He never noticed until she had yelled at him in the Great Hall but she would rather let everyone insult her if it meant she didn't have to fight them in the end. Peter had mentioned before that Theo didn't like fighting but he had blown his friend off at the time, thinking he couldn't possibly know anything about her. They never even talked before! But he started to think his friend was too perceptive by half and had a very valid point.

When Sirius finally made it to the portrait and gave the password his stomach was twisting and turning again with the knowledge that Theo was probably up in their dorms. After she had hugged James the night before he refused to let the little American out of his site. He dragged her from class to class with his arm wrapped with hers as if wanted to broadcast her to the world. Sirius had been sure that Theo would have told him off but she seemed amused by the whole thing. She would smile wide at James in a way that Sirius had not yet seen before on her face and for a second Sirius could only think one thing: beautiful.

Sirius reached his dorm to see Theo and Peter playing chess on the floor with James on the bed reading a Quidditch Magazine. It was a peaceful sight and Sirius considered leaving his friends to their peaceful night instead of interrupting it. But then the strangest thing happened. Theo noticed him in the doorway first and seemed to tense for a second. Sirius felt his stomach drop and resigned himself to leaving when she smiled wide at him. Sirius was frozen in place. She was smiling at him? Sirius looked over his shoulder before he could stop himself just to make sure Remus was not standing behind him.

"Sirius," she said kindly like they were the closest of friends. "I was wondering when you were going to show up. We didn't want to start without you."

"What?" He was gaping slightly, he realized and at least mustered enough control over himself to shut his mouth fully. "Start what?"

"Theo suggested this amazing idea! She thought we could head out to Hogsmeade, have a snowball fight and then finish it off with some butterbeer!" James was sitting up, magazine forgotten on the floor.

"That's not entirely right. I said 'hey, I need to practice my Animagus transformation outside at night, wanna come?' and then they got ahead of themselves." She was shooting James an affectionate smile that he eagerly returned. Sirius felt his stomach twist again. What the hell was this? A few hugs and now their best friends? Didn't she have her own friends? He was about to make a snappy retort on just that when he remembered.

You were hurting and so you took it out on the one person who you knew wouldn't fight back.

Shit. He was turning into such a girl.

Forty-five minutes later they were engaging in a brutal snowball fight in which Peter and Theo were teaming up to conquer James and Sirius and were doing a mighty fine job of it. Theo was quick and surprisingly good at dodging anything that came her way. She would dance around and distract James and Sirius while Peter snuck around the sidelines and pelted them when they least expected it. It shouldn't have been a surprise that a well thought out plan such as theirs was more effective than the rapid fire method James and Sirius had adopted. In the end, they were forced to surrender and Theo stood victoriously on a rock.

The good times were interrupted however by a howling noise that came from the direction of the shrieking shack. They all whipped around to see the lone building in the distance, any good mood they had vanishing into the cold night. James and Sirius exchanged a glance before looking at Theo. Theo looked worse off than them having gone so pale she looked lifeless in the glow of the full moon above. She swayed for a second, dropped down from the rock and promptly vomited. Peter was at her side in an instant, holding her hair back as she retched. Sirius wondered how Peter just knew to do that and how James just knew that rubbing circles on her back would make her stop shaking. How did they just know what to do? Sirius was still standing about ten feet away watching the scene with confusion and helplessness.

"What happened?" James asked when it seemed she had gotten it all out. "Are you ok? We can head back now if you'd like." Theo was shaking her head even as James spoke.

"No, I'm fine. I feel much better now. I'm sorry about that. Let's just go get those butterbeers, yea? I still haven't tried them." She was walking off with her chin in the air like she always did and the boys simply followed suit. Theo's spirit seemed to lift again once she was inside as she looked around in amazement at everything. It was a pub, nothing more or less. He didn't understand her fascination.

"I haven't been here yet. It's cozy," she said with a smile as she sipped her butterbeer.

"You haven't? Didn't your friends take you during the Hogsmeade weekends?"

"Nah, my mom wouldn't sign the sheet so I'm not allowed to go."

"Why wouldn't she?" James seemed outraged that a parent would deny their child such a chance but Sirius understood. His parents refused to sign his sheet as well.

"Thought it would teach me a lesson or something," she mumbled as she continued to look around. Sirius realized, possibly before the other two, that she was probably saying more on the topic than she meant to. She was so engrossed in the many small aspects of the room that she didn't even notice the strange looks that Peter and James were sharing. They were confused, but Sirius found he truly understood. That was his mother's reasoning as well. James and Peter seemed to understand enough to not press the topic, but Sirius wanted to know more. He wanted to know just how similar their home lives were. He vowed to ask when there weren't so many people around.

For the rest of the night they continued to drink and chat and laugh like the best of friends and more than once, Sirius wished that Remus was here with them. He would love this side of his friends; the side that smiled and laughed and just talked. There was no scheming, there was just friendship and Sirius always forgot how precious moments like this could be.

The night wasn't over once they left Hogsmeade. They stayed up until dawn, not really talking at all about what was keeping them all up. They were situated in front of the dying fire, huddled close together in a way that was a little unusual for them. Theo was giving Sirius an odd look for about five minutes before finally resolving to say something.

"Why do you keep your hair so long and refuse to tie it up?" Sirius could do nothing but blink at her a few times. She took this as an invitation to continue. "Do you not know how? I could teach you."

"I…" Sirius had never thought much about the length of his hair. He only kept it this long to annoy his family and to be perfectly honest it did get in the way a lot but he never really thought of tying it up as an option. "Sure, I guess."

"Good," she beamed. His stomach did a flip. "Get out your wand."

"You use magic on your hair?!" he was shocked and more than a little reluctant. While Sirius did not actually put much thought into the length of his hair, he rather liked it and did not want to risk messing up its perfect texture.

"Don't be ridiculous. It's a trick you can do until you get actual hair ties. Here, I'll show you." She had brandished her own wand and placed it on the floor in front of her. A few hand movements, and twist or two, and then she took her wand and stuck it through the little ball at the back of her head and let it go. To Sirius's utter astonishment, it stayed.

"You can do that without magic?" Theo just laughed but spent the next half hour trying to teach Sirius the concept of a bun and how to actually get his hair into one. His hair was just long enough to make this possible, nowhere near as long as Theo's, but Sirius was determined even after Theo said there were other ways. That didn't matter, he wanted this way. Theo laughed as she watched him struggle but he kept trying over and over, getting closer with each failed attempt until finally he had his hair wrapped into a messy bun at the back of his head, held in place by his wand.

Sirius was so excited to have had a prolonged conversation with Theo that he did not want it to end. He asked him what else he could do with his hair and she offered to braid it. Sirius was reluctant but since Theo was being so generous he found he could not refuse. She sat on the couch and motioned for him to sit between her knees. Sirius had never found himself in this position before. No one had ever touched his hair, partly because few were close enough to even attempt, and mostly because he didn't let anyone touch his hair. But there he was, kneeling in front of Theo as she gently combed her hair through his thick, straight locks. Occasionally her nails would lightly graze his scalp and the more she ran her hands through it, the more relaxed Sirius felt. She would tug a little too roughly a few times but overall Sirius found it to be an exceptionally pleasant experience and hoped that whatever mood Theo was in did not vanish when the morning came because he wanted her to do this again and again.

When she finished Sirius didn't bother going up to the bathroom to look and instead chose to just stay sitting in front of Theo as the four continued to talk. Eventually they found themselves playing exploding snap and Theo had produced a deck of muggle playing cards. Her and Peter attempted to teach Sirius and James some of the simpler muggle games such as go fish, but Sirius and James quickly became antsy and the game deteriorated.

The rising sun had come as a bit of a shock to all of them but in the early light none of them could deny their exhaustion. They did not want to sleep, all for the same reason. They wanted to see their friend and make sure he was ok, but that was something Theo could not do. They did not yet know that Theo knew Remus's secret and until she came up with an adequate lie she had to pretend she was in the dark. The boys were subtle about the fact that they were hiding something, sending one another shifty glances and occasionally looking at her before quickly looking away. Theo pretended it wasn't happening, and just hoped that they were able to comfort Remus after his transformation. They were his true friends after al. He didn't need to be there ad in the end she was doing her best to help. She didn't need to be at his bedside while he recovered. That's what friends were for.

But oh how Theo wished she could be there and run her fingers through his hair and promise him that it was going to be alright. That would have to wait, though. For now she had her own secrets to deal with and if she wasn't careful she could find herself in a very unpleasant situation. She waved to her friends and went up to her own bed. She couldn't deny how tired she was, but was glad that she wasn't the only restless one tonight. James was jumpy and Peter's hand almost never stopped shaking. Sirius seemed to always be in a bit of a trance and despite worrying for all of her new friends she could not help but feel glad that Remus had friends who cared so much.

She remembered suddenly that she had meant to practice her transformation. She had found out recently that she would be transforming into an owl and could not contain her excitement. Being and owl had a plethora of possibilities for her. Professor McGonagall had told Theo that practicing in a similar condition to her animal's environment might help her with her transformation. She had told Theo about her own training and how she had issues putting herself in the habitat of a cat, and how Theo had it easy by simply walking outside at night. Even then, just trying at night would have probably helped.

Theo decided she didn't want to think about any of that now. She just wanted the world to blur and for everything to be over for just a second. For just once second she wanted to fell free from all the bad that was still going on in the world, but that would mean detaching from the good as well. She would be leaving behind the four boys who she had grown oddly fond of over the last two months. Leaving behind the bad meant leaving behind the good too. Theo wondered when there had ever been so much good to consider. Sleep used to be her escape but as the days wore on she found the need for sleep infuriating and only let it happen because of the knowledge that she would soon wake up she would be back here with them. For the first time in a very long time, Theo realized, waking up didn't seem so horrible.