there's a light that never goes out

by redrocketracer

Craig and Kenny have been friends since animals close up with wide angle lens.

2. Chapter 2

You two don't talk for awhile after that.

You're a bit relieved to know Craig and Tweek's relationship is a sham, but you still feel like you're going to melt into the ground whenever they're around. You always have to look away, down at the floor. Your face red. Cartman sometimes points it out.

"Why so red Kenneh? I think he's embarrassed about his ugly shoes!" Cartman mocks. And you're grateful, for once, about being poor. Because you don't know if you could handle them making fun of you because of the feelings you have that you don't really understand. It's weird. You get what Craig said, but you...don't. Like you feel a deep connection inside of your bones, but you can't really explain why you do. You feel like you should be angry, bitter. But you're not.

Fourth grade eventually ends. Fifth grade comes and goes with lots of crazy events happening. Craig and Tweek are still together through out all of it. At the end of the fifth grade year, your mom and dad get into a fist fight and you watch as Kevin steps between them.

"S-stop! Stop!" he screams. You're holding Karen close to your body and she's crying, dampening your shirt.

"Stop. Mom, dad, please. This is enough." it's slurred and slow but they do stop. Their fighting has been crazy lately. Mom is always knocked out cold, and dad is always drinking. And when they're together they're both left with bruises.

"L-look at what you're doing. Karen is scared. Kenny is depressed." and you look down at the sleeves shielding your arms, which are littered with deep, deep scars. You killed yourself again. It was a one time incident. But you were sad and scared and upset and you needed Craig's light and he wasn't there and fuck. When you wake up again you contemplate swallowing down the pills you see mom always taking. You close your eyes, take a deep breathe and tell yourself you are strong. You don't need them. You don't need Craig's light. You don't need your parents affection. Fuck everyone. You can take care of yourself. Your eyes open again. You are left with ugly raised scars. But they're from a war.

"And I couldn't read until a few months ago. I couldn't even read. Mom, dad. I couldn't read and i'm 13 years old. Do'ya know how much I get bullied? How much of a idiot I feel like?" he's pushing them apart. They look at each other. They look at Kevin. Stuart's hesitates before his hand rests on Kevin's head and he smooths down his hair.

"I...I'm sorry, boy." it's not enough. But it's a start. They don't fight for the rest of that night. They don't fight the night after. Or the one after that. It progressively gets better.

There are rough patches. There are dark nights where a fist is raised. But mom signs herself into rehab. And dad just quits, cold turkey. They'll probably never be able to leave the poo dung town that is South Park. But the environment feels less...horrible. Damage is done. But they're trying, they're trying so hard. There is so much torn, though. You feel so destroyed. And it's not being rebuilt...it's more, just stabilized. Some wet bandaged put on the surface.

But it's enough for now.

There is a calm.

You enter middle school slightly broken. But you're quiet, and you smile. You smile and smile and smile. You have Stan and Kyle and even fat ass. It's a distraction from the in your bones sadness you feel. You watch how in middle school North Park and South Park gets mixed together. How all the social groups divide. Craig and Tweek come out as liars and are just now apart of the same clique. You eyeball them and want back in Craig's life.

You don't get back in though.

You go through middle school laughing and being a bit of a joke. You joke about sex, joke about having sex. You're a bit cruel and gross. You hit on pretty girls. But you're still a virgin, despite popular belief.

You flunk most of your classes. You day dream, you drift off. You pretend you're a princess in a far away land. You pretend there is a better world. You pretend you don't exist. You're tired of existing. You wish you could fall asleep and never wake up to this world again.

But you smile.

You smile, you never cry. Sometimes you die. But tears never fall anymore. It feels impossible and you feel dry of them.

You graduate middle school feeling worn down. You just want to sleep. And you feel alone. So alone. You can't explain this alone-ness. Everyone loves you. You're Kenny Mccormick. Your family is a lot more stable, not as bad as it was. You guys sit on the couch every night and watch cable. You actually have cable now, isn't that great? But you're alone. You'll always be alone. How could anyone ever love someone like you? you're horrible. You're white trash. You're a liar. No one is genuine. No one remembers. The only person who does hates you.

The summer before high school you try to overdose on your mothers anti depressants.

Normally you wake up in your bed, but instead you wake up in a white room. White walls, white sheets. This isn't heaven? You look to your left and you see clouds. A nice, sunny day. It's July, right? The summer of South Park. You close your eyes, not wanting to look at it. The sky will still be bright without you. The sun with still shine, the birds will still chirp. This isn't fiction, this is real life, Kenneth Mccormick. The world does not pity you. The world remains the same when you finally die one last time. You tell yourself this and pull the blankets over your head.

You end up in a psychiatric hospital in North Park.

You're surprised when Craig's there.

You think about him a lot. Bitterly, angrily. He left you. He left you all alone. FUCK HIM.

You tell yourself you'll give him the silent treatment and ignore him until the end of time. But then he's sitting next to you and you see his tiny, thin wrists. The hospital bracelet looks far too big on him. He looks tiny in general. You take a good stare at him. It's the first time since you were in elementary school that you both looked each other in the eyes. And his face appears sunken in, thin. His eyes are dark, dark, dark, dark. They always were. But there is something missing from them.

You remember what he said to you.

I always feel alone.

You two don't say a word to each other. You notice he only is eating oatmeal. But he's picking at it.

"please eat." you say. You look down at your bacon and eggs and hash browns and milk. He still picks. And you know it's not your battle. Your battle is not Craig's either. But maybe you can both be soldiers together, and stick by each other in here until the war is won.

You put an apple you weren't even going to eat on his tray. He blinks, looking at it. Rolls it over in his hands, before stuffing it in his pocket.

Group therapy is horrible. You barely pay attention. You want to go back to your room and sleep. Days pass, you wonder why your family isn't complaining about money. You want to get out. You're still so tired. But when you have a family session you laugh.

"It was a dumb mistake." you say. But it wasn't, it was intentional. You knew you couldn't get high off prozac. But you lie and say you didn't know. It's written off and you get your discharge date, tomorrow. You go back to the day room where you see Craig drawing on the back of a coloring page. He's really good at drawing, this has to be a recent development though. Because you never saw him hold a colored pencil with the intent to really create before.

In front of him is a torso. A human torso with a heart coming out of the chest. It reminds you of that video on facebook of the little girl that was born with her heart poking out of her, shielded by skin. You watch Craig draw. You watch him focus intently on it. His eyes are blue instead of brown. And you almost tell Craig to try to contain it, because the people here probably don't know of the supernatural.

He's gained a bit of weight, and you almost feel guilty about what you're going to say.

"I'm leaving tomorrow." he looks up at you and his eyes instantly turn back to brown in a snap. They roam your countenance, looking for some kind of lie.

"you're leaving." he says. It's not a question, more of a statement. You nod.

"Yeah" he is still staring at you. Eyes focused into your blues. His own start to turn light, into those electrics. He takes a hold of your hand.

"are you ready?" his eyes are still clearly blue, and you feel like he'll know if you lie. You look away, because you don't have it in you to tell the truth.

"Yeah, i'm fine." you say. You want the warmth of his light, which Craig usually provided when the two of you held hands. But he retreats.

"Ok."

You go back to school and Craig has AP classes while you're in remedial. You sleep during most of your classes, and you start to skip by the middle of the year. You're still pretty innocent, you don't do drugs or smoke. You find it insulting to do because of your parents. However, you do present yourself as cool. You're always laid back, relaxed. The epitome of chill. You keep quiet, don't get involved in much. You watch. You examine. But your heart is hammering in your chest. You're insides are clawing to be outside.

You and Craig don't hang out like you did in elementary school, but sometimes you guys go out in group setting. It's like he can feel your emotions because when you're sitting in Stan's shed he'll take his index finger and gingerly run it down the length of your arm. His eyes will be blue, but only you pay that much attention. You can feel the warmth against your skin. He interlaces his fingers with yours and you close your eyes in the comfort.

It's like old times. And this happens whenever you're around each other. In Stan's sheds, parties, class. No one notices, and if they do they don't say anything. You guys don't ever dare say a word to each other outside of your hand holding. It's a secret. Your secret, unspoken. It's like that until sophmore year when Cartman points it out.

"aw man, you guys are holding each others hand! I knew Craig was a fag, but Kenneh?" He says, laughing. Craig doesn't let go, but you do. You stand and leave the room because you don't really like being laughed at. You pull a cigarette from your pocket. You seldom smoke, but somehow you feel like you need one.

"Does it bother you?" you turn your head to look at Craig who is closing the door behind him. He sits next to you on the lawn chair in his back yard. Their group was at the Tucker residence. You look out at the black that is Craig's back yard. You wonder what happened to popcorn.

"What?" you ask, playing dumb. Craig doesn't respond. He towers over you. Tall and thin. So thin. You wonder if he's eating but you don't dare ask.

It's quiet and you two sit there in that pocket of silence. You know something is broken between you, but you don't know what it is. Eventually you snub out your cigarette and Craig stands to leave. Your body is screaming out you to tell him to stop, to grab his arm and pull him close to you. But you don't. He retreats back into his house. And you sit in the backyard. Popcorn peeks her head around the corner and stares at you, nudging her head against your leg before hopping into your lap.

You smooth down her fur and you feel overwhelmingly exhausted and sick. You wish you could disappear. You sit in the dark for a few more minutes before you leave the get together. You go out through the fence that leads to the front yard. Popcorn trails after you and you have to pick her up and put her back on the other side. Your stomach is in knots, and you feel bile in the back of your throat.

When you get to the end of Craig's driveway you stop and rest a hand on his garbage can. You hunch over and hurl onto the dirty snow. You think it's ugly, disgusting. You're breaking and there is nothing poetic about it. You're not snow fall. You're more the aftermath of snow. The brown, disgusting slushy mess that it leaves and no one likes.

You stand back up again you walk home, the streetlights guiding you. When you cross the train tracks you wearily push open your door and collapse on your bed. There is a bottle of cymbalta that they prescribed to you somewhere in your mess of a room. You haven't taken any of it, though.

You stare up at your ceiling and your head turns to your laptop next to you. You sit up and p and pull it towards you, opening it.

You're still a virgin, despite popular belief. You have girls throw themselves at you but you haven't settled for one. For some reason you jerk off with one person in mind. Big black eyes, soft tan imagine doing everything with them, and you waited. But you don't want to wait anymore. You feel so alone, fuck. You need to be wanted. You need to be needed. You open up a dating website that you heard of and put up a picture that you had taken of you a few weeks ago by Token.

The first girl who messages you complies to hooking up. So you pull your parka tighter around your frame, slip on your shoes and close the door behind you.

You walk, walk and walk to the edge of town where you wait for a bus that will take you where you need to go. You hop on, and pay your fare. You look out the window at the black cornfield passing by. You know they're corn field because you take this route all the time to North Park for doctors appointments.

When you arrive at your stop you pull down the yellow string and you step out into the dimly lit town. It's quiet in the streets. Almost eerie. You walk the empty road to the house number you scribbled down. 150 ashbyrn lane. You follow the directions until you're at the girls house. You knock on her window and she lets you in.

The rest is kind of blurry. She drinks and while you normally don't you do that night, just this once. It's a one time thing. The only time you ever do it again is at your graduation party years later. You're both drunk and she sloppily kisses you, straddling your lap.

You go home and the sky is orange and purple and greyish blue. You go through the front door and pulls the covers over your frame. You skip school that day. You're very cold, your nose and ears red from exposure to the biting wind. You warm up under your blankets. You can sleep forever and it feels like you do. You sleep and sleep and sleep.

The next day you skip, too. But you go back the day after. You don't brag about that night. You don't really feel like it's something to brag about.

You feel taken advantage of. You feel used. You don't do that again. At least not in your sophmore year. The number sits in your phone and you forget who the girl even is. If she were ever to text you, you'd be confused as to who she is.

You spend the summer in between alone. You isolate yourself. You don't leave your house. You sit in your room and go on tumblr, or you sleep. Craig tries calling a few times. But so does everyone else. A part of you knows you should leave the house but it's easier to stay in the dark of your room.

You feel alone, and you are. You made sure of it. You deserve it. Kevin works this summer. Karen spends all her time with Ruby. It's a true, deep, in your bones loneliness. You feel like you can't breathe. Like someone is sitting on your chest. You feel that needy, clawing out feeling inside of you again. You need someone to pretend to care. It's not until July when your hand is wrapped around your dick and you're thinking of big dark eyes that you go back to that hook up website.

You meet up with some guy and you go back to his house. He presses kisses to your mouth and pushes your legs apart, pushes in. It hurts. But you stare at the ceiling and let him fuck into you. You don't want it. But he wants you in that moment. You feel needed. You feel validated. You don't cry. But you want to.

It continues on like that. You spend the rest of the summer fucking random guys. If you felt broken before, you feel even more so now. You liked the idea of sex. But now that your body is being used for it. And you're letting it happen. You want a cheap fix to deep seated problems. You keep going back because it fills a gap.

It's a week before school starts and you're laying under the covers when you hear a knock on your door. You don't respond to it. Just pretend you're dead.

"Kenny?" it's Karen and you turn around to look at her. It's weird. It feel like an eternity passed under these sheets. Her hair has gotten longer, and she's wearing makeup? You sit up and she takes a seat next to you.

"There is a play in town. Ruby and I really want you to go. Craig will be there." she explains. And that's odd, you haven't really thought of Craig in awhile. He texts and calls you a lot. Just telling you the things he sees. He's a weird texter. Just stream of thoughts. You haven't touched your phone in months, though. It used to be a sore subject but you numbed yourself to it. Tried to drown it out.

"uh." you start, you look at the tickets Karen put in your lap. Your eyes flick back up at her and she looks hopeful. You stare down at the paper again.

"Ok." you say. She smiles and hugs you. It's oddly comforting, it's been awhile since someone has touched you and it hasn't been with sexual intent.

"It's in three hours. Get ready." She lets go and retreats to the bathroom across the hall, closing the door behind her. And you do. You don't dress up, just throwing on a pair of jeans and a shirt for this band you like. 'Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains.' When you're ready you and Karen put on your winter coats and walk to the Tucker residence.

It's Thomas who answers the door, and he squints at you.

"Haven't seen you around." he says, and you try to smile but it comes out kind of lopsided and fake.

"Yeah." you haven't really seen anyone. You and Karen go to sit in the living room and you feel your breath begin to become shallower as you take in the surroundings. Something about being here is making you uncomfortable. You have so many memories in the Tucker residence. You remember sitting on the floor and pushing in the tape for animals close up. Your eyes dart to the sliding screen door, and you remember sitting in Craig's lawn chairs as he would shoot down cans with his lasers for practice. You miss it. And you feel even sicker when Craig and Ruby come down the stairs. His eyes fall on you, and you notice something weird. His dark brown eyes aren't...dark brown anymore. They're a little lighter, honey color.

He goes to stand right in front of you and waves a hand in front of your face.

"Earth to Kenny." he says, nasal and bored sounding. You blink, your mouth parts and you notice that he's gained weight. The last time you guys hung out Craig was stick thin. You always look at his weight, just...to make sure. You were sure he wasn't eating at some point. But you kept your mouth shut about it. Not your battle.

You're shaking, and you turn around and dart for the door. You wait outside for them and they do follow. You all walk to the local theater. Ruby and Karen chat away about how they're excited to see the towns version of rent. You and Craig fall back and it's silent. You miss his light. Your eyes fall on his hands and you yearn to take them into yours.

When the four of you get there you take the very first seat. You intend to sleep through the production. You feel a wave of tiredness crash over your body. Your head hurts, you feel scared and you're quivering. You want to rest. However, Karen nudges you awake when the first act begins. You watch as the characters introduce themselves. And your lips press tightly together when you realize Tweek is Roger.

You don't know why, but this is what makes you cry. It's silent and repressed. You try to hold them back but they begin to roll down your cheeks. When the first act finally comes to an end you shoot up and run to the bathroom. The door slams shut behind you and you go to the nearest stall. You shakily lock it and fall to your knees in front of the toilet. It's disgusting, your head rested on the nasty seat as the dam breaks. You cry. You cry and cry and cry until your face is burning. It's heavily. Loud sobs escaping your lips and you can't stop it.

"Hey man, are you okay in there?" it's Tweek. It's fucking Tweek and you let out a sob. Your face is red and you're yanking on your hair.

"Fuck off!" you shout out. You stand and almost stumble to the ground. You unlock the stall and try your hardest not collapse.

"Aw jeez! Come out man, please. We can all hear you, it's okay." and that frightens you more. No one can see you like this no one can no no one can see no one can no one can-

Your nails are digging into your flesh and your bleeding. You run them down the length of your arms in your panic, leaving ugly scratches

"Leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone" you are shouting, pacing the length of the bathroom. The door opens and in comes the blond. Behind him you see Craig and can't do it you can't you can't you can't you can't

You fall to your knees and bury your face in your hands, you're crying hysterically, loud and ugly.

"I don't want to be here. Please I'm done I don't want to be here I don't want to exist I'm done I don't want to do this i'm done please take me away from here please" you repeat it over and over and over and you're bleeding and crying and crying and crying. There is noise around you and you're scared and it's loud and you're scared scared scared.

You hear some weird, electric noise and the door shutting. You look up and see blue. You see Craig and his lights are as powerful as ever. They curl around his whole body. Before he could only get it to his torso but now it curls around his legs. Your crying begins to subside and your breathing is still shallow, but you feel the warmth of the lights and it's comforting.

"Kenny." Craig says. He holds his hand out to you and you take it. You let him help you up.

"My dad is here. We're taking you to the hospital." is all he says. The blue lights curls around your torso and it's so warm, so safe and beautiful. You want to feel angry but you close you eyes and let Craig led the way.

You fall asleep and you wake up in a hospital room. It's the psychiatric part of it, where they evaluate you. A small, confined room. All white. You feel numbed. And you wonder what everyone thinks of you. If they all hate you.

You end up going to a different hospital than last time. But it's still in North Park.

"Kenny, we just want you to get help." your mother says.

"Yeah, we all love you. Karen, Kevin, your mom and I." Stuart says. You close your eyes and hold the phone to your ear.

"The Tucker boy's dad is bringing him and his sister to visit you, too. We can't make it tomorrow."

You hang up and go to the day room, close your eyes and zone out what they're talking about in group.

The next day comes and visitation hours roll around faster than you would like. You're sitting in the cafeteria and it's Ruby you see first. She runs up to you and plops down in the chair next to you.

"Kenny." she says. You don't know why she's so excited. You two weren't really friends.

"Ruby." is all you say. She retreats a bit at that. Craig sits across from you and he shoos Ruby away so you two can talk. It's awkward and you look away from Craig, bitter.

"I know you're hurt." he starts. Nasal, but not apathetic. There is emotion in that tone and it makes you look at him for a split second.

"I was a bad friend, ok? I was." you weren't expecting that. Because you don't think it's true. You were the bad friend.

"I don't know what you are going through. I never even asked why we in the psychiatric hospital at the same time that one year. But...i know I can't fix you now. When we'd hold hands and my lasers would protect you I could tell it made you feel...better. I knew something was off, Kenny. I tried my hardest. I'm sorry I left." you're looking at him now. And you're crying.

"But I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere. I felt so alone for years. But I started taking my meds. I started going to therapy. I started caring about myself, I started giving a fuck in general. And it was hard. I wanted my family to just notice, to just fucking care. To say anything. I wanted to just fucking end it and not have to deal with any of this." he's looking down at his hands and his eyes are blue and those weird substitute tears are pouring from them.

"I love you." he says, and he looks up at you when he says it. His eyes are electric blue. Shocking and bright. The lasers pour out and go towards Kenny, curling around him. Craig blinks, and they shut off, he opens his eyes again and they snap back into his head.

"My lasers love you too. It's weird. Just." he grabs your hand and squeezes.

"You're not alone. But you have to get better. You have to do it for yourself. Not me, not Karen, not your mom and dad." he looks at you.

"You're mysterion and you have a whole world to save."

You can't take it and you gather Craig in your arms. He smells weird. Kind of like some ugly cologne or something. But you like it. You stroke down his hair and kiss his cheek. You feel hopeful.

"I love you." you say, and you cup Craig's face. Your thumb gingerly runs against his flesh.

"Yeah, yeah." he says. Patting your back.

"This is really gay. Uhg." Craig says. You smile weakly. They leave and you still feel weighed down and tired. But the next day you talk to your doctor. You try to atleast.

"I'm scared." you say. It's the most honest you've ever been.

"I don't really even know why." you look down at your shoes. And you talk. You feel it kind of just let what can come out...come out. There are things you feel scared to say, and your doctor doesn't push. You just say what you can. He tells you he's going to put you on depekote, that it is going to take a long time to heal. It's not going to be easy to talk. It could take months, years, a lifetime. It's not just going to go away. You're going to have to learn to live with this illness and these thoughts and feelings. To cope. And that scares you. It horrifies you.

But you think about how you used to protect Karen and protect everyone and you had such a super hero complex and you had big dreams of saving people. It's not too late for that, is it? You know this isn't going to be easy but you have to try.

You get discharged on a monday. It's rainy and you're nervous. Your brother picks you up in a beaten down truck. You go home and it's quiet and it makes you feel sad. You lay under your covers and close your eyes.

But instead of laying there, you sit up. You go into Karen room and you slip in a tape. You don't know what it is until you see puppies, close up, with wide angle lenses.

School is already in session and you go back the next day. You sit at the far end of your usual table with Stan and Kyle. You're by yourself, that is until Tweek sits next to you. You look at him and he looks at you. He grins and you smile weakly.

"Ah jeez. Kenny. I think we need to talk, man." he says. He places his lunch bag down and you get ready to listen, taking a sip of your water.

"Listen, man..." Tweek starts he yanks a bit at his hair.

"I know you really don't like me. But I like you. And I hope you're okay, man! Aw jeez it was so much pressure the past few weeks. Craig and I were worried, man!" you feel a bit of jealousy come on and you guess it shows on your face because Tweek automatically jumps to defense.

"I don't like Craig that way!" he shouts, and ouch, loud enough?

"I think you and Craig belong together. I never liked him aw man I just! rumors and shit! I'm dating Sally Turner!" he screeches and you don't know why, but you find it relieving. You looks down at your lunch.

"Craig and I aren't ready yet." is all you say. Tweek shrugs, fidgeting.

It's a rocky road. There are a lot of tears and relapses and bad days. Days where you want to stop existing. Where you want to fucking die. But the days where you can smile, the days you succeed, the days you learn. Those are the days worth it. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. And sometimes it doesn't feel worth it. But you're trying. Trying so fucking hard. Craig holds your hand a lot now. In private, in public. You both really aren't ready to date or anything.

But for now the blue light that never goes out is enough.