Chapter 9 – A Christmas Story
A heavy fog slowly rolled in, enveloping House in vague surroundings. He crossed his arms and rubbed his cold shoulders, and then slapped his hand over his mouth to prevent himself from screaming at the sight the apparition before him. The figure in black shadows that formed a robe around it slowly made its way toward House in a sort of glide – intimating, dark, and ever so terrifying were the first thoughts House came up with to describe this spirit. "Are…are you the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?" he asked fearfully, approaching the figure cautiously. The spirit tilted its hood up and down, without uttering a sound. "Why don't you speak to me, ghost?" The spirit just remained silent. "Yeah…" House drearily sighed. "I wouldn't wish to speak with me either."
The spirit pointed down a street that just then came into focus from the fog. House nodded, understanding what it meant, and proceeded down the street. Walking past Bender and Jay, House heard Bender speak: "So the ol' man's dead?"
"That's what I heard, robot-man," Jay said as he shrugged one shoulder. "I hear he died only last night."
"How'd that guy die anyway?" Bender asked. "Natural causes? Disease? Brutal mutilation?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?" Jay said, annoyed. "What am I, your freakin' mother? Snoogans."
"Yeah, who cares?" Bender agreed dismissively, laughing along with Jay. "What really piques my interest is what he did with all his money."
"Well, I can tell ya here and now that he didn't give it to no charity!" Jay chuckled. "All I know is that he didn't give it to me."
"Whatever the hell he did with it, he didn't spend it on his own funeral," Bender said. "I doubt anyone's gonna show up. No one will mourn that dead guy."
"I wouldn't mind going," Jay said musingly. "As long there's some lunch. Snoochie boochies!"
Jay and Bender laughed harder as House stared on with a disgusted look. "I cannot believe how these two can make light of a man's death," he said contemptuously. "But…who are they speaking of, ghost?" Instead of responding, the spirit elegantly gestured to a pawnshop across the street. "I should go in there?" House asked. The spirit nodded.
"This whole speaking to myself with rhetorical questions bit is getting old," he sighed as he limped into the shop, inside was the shop owner Zaphod Beeblebrox conversing with Danny Fenton, Juniper Lee, and Dr. Zoidberg.
"All right, my friends," Zaphod declared, "show me what ya got from that geezer's place!"
"Too bad the jerk didn't die years earlier," June said. "I couldn't stand another day working for him!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Zaphod said quickly, waving his hand urgently. "Just get on with passing on that dead guy's crap to me!"
Danny quietly whispered to him, "Hey, Zaphod, that's not in the script."
He answered back, "It ain't my fault; I just found my script like that."
The four looked around left and right as they heard a familiar voice backstage shout furiously, "PHANTOM!"
They shrugged. "Anyway, I swiped some of these collar buttons from his dresser!" Danny said, placing the good on the table before Zaphod. "They cost more than what I ever earned from that skinflint!"
"Allow Zoidberg to present his salvaging!" Zoidberg said, shoving Danny aside as he placed blankets on the table next. "I got his blankets from the same bed he died in!"
"Ha! I can top that!" June said, kicking Zoidberg away as she placed curtains on the table. "I've got his bed curtains!"
Zaphod picked up the curtains and felt the fabric through his fingers. "Eh, they're pretty cheap, but still worth a bit."
"I'm not done yet," June said as she added a shirt to her pile. "I got the shirt he was supposed to be buried in; I swiped it from his own dead body!"
Zaphod shivered and smiled, "Ooh, that is cold."
House tore his eyes from them as they began laughing and walked out of the shop to the spirit. "All right, all right!" he moaned. "I get it; this man's fate might be my own. Is there not any compassion left in this world?"
A thick fog once again surrounded the two, and as it cleared the spirit pointed up – up to a cemetery. House gasped, "Why are we here, ghost?" The spirit pointed its shadowy sleeve up to one of the highest points in the cemetery, and House's heart was filled with dread at the sight: Kronk was with his family, huddled together. Sakura, Mystery, Yakko and Wakko were weeping as Kara sought comfort in her husband's arms. Wiping the last of her tears away, Kara gently ushered her children away, leaving Kronk behind. He held a crutch in his hands, hugged it for what seemed like eternity, and then tenderly placed it down against a tombstone to Little Dot's grave.
"No, no, no…" House whispered, shaking his head and dropping to his knees. "No! This can't be happening!" he cried, slamming his fist on the ground. "That girl didn't deserve to die! Her family didn't deserve this!" He turned to the spirit with crying eyes. "Tell me whether or not these events will not come to pass?" He placed his forehead onto the ground, his eyes closed from tears. "Please! Speak to me, ghost!"
The spirit merely pointed for the last time to another grave nearby. House rose back onto his feet and approached the grave with reluctance. The grave's headstone was tiny and unkempt, dirty, and had weeds growing all over it. House knew immediately whose grave this was. "This is the grave of the passing of that man," he said, turning to the spirit. "Are these shadows of things that will be or are they the shadows of thing that may be only?" The spirit remained silent. House shuddered, knowing what he must do and whose grave this really was. He brushed away the weeds and read the name encrusted into the headstone as his clutched his rapidly beating heart:
Ebenezer House
"No, no!" House cried, falling to his knees once again. "I am this unwanted dead man?" The spirit pointed it finger pointed from the grave to him, and back again. "No, oh, no, no!"
The finger still was there.
"Spirit!" he pleaded, tight clutching at its robe. "Hear me! I am not the man I was! Why show me this, if I am past all hope?" For the first time the spirit's hand appeared to shake.
"Good spirit!" he beseeched as down upon the ground he fell before it. "Your nature intercedes for me, and pities me! Assure me that I yet may change these shadows you have shown me, by an altered life!"
The kind hand trembled. "I will honor Christmas in my heart, and keep it all the year! I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future! The spirits of all three shall strive within me! I will not shut out the lessons that they teach! Oh, tell me I may sponge away the writing on this stone!"
Holding up his hands in a last prayer to have his fate reversed, he saw the spirit's shadowy robe shrink away and replaced with a bedpost. Bedpost? It was his bedpost! House was ecstatic, bouncing up and down upon his bed. "The spirits have given me another chance!" he exclaimed wildly, laughing until his voice was hoarse. "Oh, Jacob Cox!" Spotting the framed picture of his old partner on the wall, he shouted, "I say it on my knees, old Coxie-baby, on my knees! Thank you!"
He sobbed tears of joy as he hopped out of his bed. He threw open his window to the brisk, snowy morning and spotted a young Ben Tennyson walking by his mansion. "You! My fine fellow!" he called. "What day is today?"
"Today?" Ben repeated curiously. "Why, it's Christmas Day, Mr. House."
"It's Christmas Day!" House bellowed joyously, hugging himself. "I haven't missed it! The spirits have done it all in one night! Of course they can! They can do anything they like!"
"Wow, that guy's off his nut," Ben said, twirling a finger around the side of his head.
He called to Ben again, "My young fellow, do you know whether they've sold the prize turkey at the meat shop that was hanging up there?"
"What, the one as big as me?" he asked. "It's hanging there now."
"Go and buy it for me, please!"
"Are you kidding me?" Ben frowned.
"I'm serious!" House laughed, but found a snowball tossed into his face. He wiped it away and chuckled, "I guess I deserved that. Please do so! And have the man deliver it to the Kronk household, but don't have them find out about who sent it!" Taking a sack of coins in his room, House tossed it down to Ben. "Use that to buy it. And…" Ben's eyes widened as House threw down another bag, "that's for your help!"
Ben grinned widely. "Oh, right away, Mr. House!" He was off like a bullet, speeding down the street at top speed.
"Heh, heh," House smiled. "Such a good kid…." He picked up his golden pocket watch and gasped. "Ah! I've got to get going if I'm taking care of what I need in time!" He raised his right foot, spun it like a certain hedgehog in a cartoon-like circle, and dashed out of his home.
---
Kronk and Kara were washing some dishes in their sink when there was a knock on their front door. "Who could that be on Christmas morning?" Kara pondered.
"Oh, I have a feeling I know," Kronk said distantly. "A door-to-door salesmen. Kara, my bat!"
Rolling her eyes, she opened the door. "Yes?" Kara's eyes widened in shock as she stammered, "K-Kronk?"
"Don't worry, honey, I've got it!" Kronk gave a bellowing battle cry as he charged for the front door with a wooden bat raised over his head, but Kara quickly elbowed him in the abdomen and snatched away the bat.
"Look…" she whispered, pointing outside.
Kronk gasped. "Special turkey delivery?" Arthur said, holding a massive turkey in his arms.
"But, but…" Kronk spluttered.
"We smell turkey!" Wakko stated as he and the rest of his siblings stood by a door to another room. Little Dot was sitting on Mystery's shoulders.
"Holy crap on black toast!" Mystery gasped, jaw dropping to the ground – literally. Kronk and Kara took each other's hand and smiled as the children picked up the turkey, carried it to the kitchen, and attempting to restrain their brother Wakko from devouring the entire turkey himself.
"'Tis a Christmas miracle…" Little Dot whispered.
---
Rika hadn't even woken up yet when someone was rapidly knocking on her front door. Yawning, she slowly slumped to the front door with Kuro. "Hello?" Rika asked groggily, but her eyes shot wide open and fully awake. "Uncle House?"
"Merry Christmas, my dear niece!" House laughed uproariously. "I do hope you wouldn't mind if I joined you today for Christmas?"
"Um, um, no, Uncle," Rika said, slightly confused, but smiled gladly.
House gave Rika an embracing hug. "You remind me so much of your mother…" he whispered softly.
She became even more baffled.
---
Wilson and Ford walked down a street avenue on the day after Christmas, still collecting hopeful donations for the poor as they came across House, whom was storming down their way. "Oh, bugger, what does he want now?" Wilson frowned.
"Merry Christmas to one and all!"
Wilson and Ford exchanged perplexed looks with each other as House stood before them with a giant smile on his face. "Good morning, gentlemen! I have something for you!" He took Ford's hand and dropped a five pound bag of coins into it.
Ford's eyes bugged out at the amount of money. "Oh, no, Mr. House! We couldn't…"
"Not enough? All righty, then!" House handed Wilson another five pound bag.
"Really, Mr. House, this really isn't –" Ford attempted to protest.
"Enough?" House finished the sentence for him. "Oh, wise guy, eh?" he asked in a high voice. "Fine!" He tossed to their feet three more bags. "And not a penny more!" House hooted merrily as he walked off, actually leaping into the air once and clicking his heels.
"Oh, thank you, Mr. House!" Wilson called, having trouble believing what he saw.
"And another thing!" Wilson yelped as he leaned forward and caught House's golden pocket watch. He looked to House confusingly, who winked. "Merry Christmas!"
Wilson smiled. "Merry Christmas!"
---
House paced back and forth in front of his shop, looking grumpy as he searched his pockets for his golden watch when he remembered he gave it Wilson. Shrugging, he continued pacing and then pulled on the most irritable look he can muster when he spotted his employee Kronk rushing to him. "Kronk, you're late!" he growled.
"I'm sorry, Mr. House," Kronk apologized. "It's just that yesterday was Christmas and there was a big surprise for my family when…"
"I don't want excuses, buddy!" House snapped, pointing his cane right into Kronk's nose. "You're late. And I needed you…"
"Please, Mr. House," he pleaded.
"No 'pleases', Kronk!" House hissed, stomping to Kronk, prompting him to back away. "You know what I should do to you?"
"Oh, no!"
"Yes!" House snarled. "I'm making you my partner!"
"Oh, dear sweet God, Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Jewish God, and Tom Cruise!" Kronk cried, dropping to his knees and wept into his arm. "I'm so sorry…. Wait. What?"
House's face eased considerably. "I'm making you my partner," he smiled, taking Kronk's hand and helping him to his feet. "Behold!" He pointed up at the sign to their shop that once read: COX AND HOUSE – PROFFESIONAL MONEY LENDERS, only now it read: KRONK AND HOUSE.
"Sir," Kronk whispered. "Were you the one…?"
"Ah, ah, ah!" House shushed, throwing his arm around Kronk's shoulders. "Let's not spoil that. In exchange, I'd like to meet your family, if that's all right with you?"
Kronk nodded excitedly. "Of-of course, Mr. House!"
"House was better than his word," Daffy said as he walked onto the stage with his partner, Porky, and the rest of the play's cast. "He did it all, and infinitely more; and to Little Dot, who did not die, he was a second father."
"He b-b-became as g-good a friend," Porky added, "as g-g-good a m-m-master, and as g-g-good a man, as the g-g-good old city knew, or any o-o-other good o-old city, t-town, or borough, in the g-g-good old world."
"He never met with the spirits again," Daffy said as he held up Little Dot in his arms, "but lived upon the lessons they taught, ever afterwards; and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Little Dot observed…"
Dot smiled as she exclaimed, "God bless us, every one!"
Everyone took their bows as crimson curtains slowly drifted to a close for the last time; the audience erupted into explosive applause. "Just wonderful, everyone!" Arthur declared, throwing away his clipboard and headset once the play was over. "This was just fantastic!"
"You better believe in that, pajama man!" Bender said, hooting as he flicked open a beer bottle and chugged it.
"And you made a friggin' badass Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, Silent Bob," Jay said to his quiet partner as he lowered his hood.
"Christmas is to bring joy to others, not to enrich one self," Silent Bob said wisely.
Trillian sighed, "Too bad we can't have that after-play party…."
"Who says we can't?" Everyone turned their heads and saw JD kicking open the backstage exit and running in with multiple Christmas decorations and food. "Merry Christmas, everyone!" he cheered, tossing all the decorations everywhere, which somehow magically clung to the walls and furniture in the backstage. He unrolled a long tablecloth along a twenty-foot long table, and closed one of his eyes as he flung various food dishes onto the table like flying disks. JD grinned triumphantly as he single-handedly prepared the after-play Christmas party.
"Wow, JD…" Trillian whistled. "It looks…"
"Good," Cox concluded. JD nearly fainted from that comment.
"Looks like you didn't screw up!" the Janitor stated, slapping JD on the back and knocking him to the ground.
"Way to go, JD," Rika smiled, helping him back to his feet.
"And I'm not done yet!" JD added, putting his hands behind his back. "Tada!" He whipped his hands forward again, and they carried the same little tree he bought, but it was so much different – it looked like a true Christmas tree with ornaments and fully grown pines and a little gold star atop.
"It's…perfect," Trillian declared.
JD's grin grew larger. "I just said to myself 'I'll take this little tree home and decorate it myself. And I'll show all my friends how wonderful this little tree was!'" He looked up into the air. "And, God? You're invited too!"
"I am?" a deep voice asked, causing everyone to flinch out of horror.
"Whoa…" JD gasped, slapping his forehead in disbelief. "God! He actually showed up! The Lord! The Almighty! The Big Guy…or Girl Upstairs! The Head Honcho! The Storm Maker! The Big Cheese! I like cheese…but not that stuff in the can. Although, give me a cheese ball rolled in nuts and I'm in heaven! But, come to think about it, I always pick the nuts off of it. I think I'm allergic…."
"It's the Phantom!" Arthur roared angrily, pointing up at the Phantom standing regally up on the rafters.
The Phantom elegantly walked down the wooden boards, but then it came falling down from the rafters after accidentally tripping over its cloak and came tumbling down with a loud crash on the hard floor below. "Well, that was anticlimactic," House declared.
Cackling wildly, Arthur grabbed a hold of the Phantom's Guy Fawkes mask. "Now let's find out who you really ARE!" On his last word, he ripped off the mask.
"No Limit?" everyone said – not really from shock, but from annoyance.
"Heh, heh, hi?" No Limit smiled as he scratched the back of his head.
"But…why did you try to ruin our play, NL?" Trillian asked.
"Simple, Arthur didn't invite me to the after-play party," he shrugged obviously as several of the others slapped their foreheads. "And I would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for that meddling JD! By the way, thanks for inviting me," he said appreciatively.
"Um, no problem?" JD replied uneasily.
Arthur closed his eyes as he rubbed his aching temples. "God hates me."
"No, he just doesn't care about you," Marvin corrected monotonously.
"Yo! I've got something to give out too!" House shouted as he dragged a large, red bag of presents. "Merry Christmas, folks!"
Most of the cast didn't really care as they dug through the bag for their gifts while a few others like Wilson and the Janitor was eyeing House suspiciously. "Okay, out with it, House, what's that catch?" Wilson demanded.
"What catch is that?" House said innocently, batting large eyelashes he suddenly developed and freaking out his friend. "I just wish to provide my fellow man gifts. After all, it's about the giving and not the receiving. That's what Christmas is all about!"
"Uh-huh," Wilson nodded. "You did it so everyone else will give you presents, huh?"
"That and to win that bet to you that I can be a human being during Christmas," House smirked, winking.
"There was no bet!" Wilson said exasperatingly.
"Proving you wrong means I won," House smiled happily.
"No, it doesn't!"
"A stubborn mule you are, huh?" House chided as Wilson yelled and pulled on his own hair.
"Ugh…" Wilson moaned, slapping a hand over his face and dragged it down. "So where'd you get the cash to spring for the presents?"
"Eh, Santa wasn't using it," he shrugged indifferently.
"YOU STOLE SANTA'S BAG OF GIFTS?!"
"Whoa! Look at the time! Time for the end of the story!" House declared as his hand reached for the top of the screen and pulled down a new, red screen like a window blind.
Porky poked his head out of the center of the screen, waved farewell to you, the reader(s), and bade you all, "M-m-merry Christmas, folks!"
THE END
NL: Well, it's well pass Christmas, but what do you expect? I was busy on Christmas Day and my birthday was the day after Christmas! Oh, well. I hope you all enjoyed my last multi-chapter holiday story! That is, until I finish my Law & Dismay story…. Thanks for reading!