+Unthinkable+
Mia's P.O.V
When I awoke I found instead of awakening in my human body, I was instead staring up at Tsu'tey within my avatar. Confusion and fear swept over me as I looked around the room curiously then I let my eyes meet Tsu'tey's again, and his finally seemed to register I was there. As I tried to speak to ask what had happened I found I could only croak out the words.
Tsu'tey moved quickly as he searched for a water source. When he found a bowel full he returned and lifted me up carefully as he cautiously dipped the bowel forward so the water would ever so easily flow past my lips. As I drank my mouth began to feel a lot less dry, and my throat no longer felt like I had something stuck inside it.
When I had my fill Tsu'tey pulled the bowel away and sat it down beside him. Then he turned to me as I finally managed to form the words I had been trying to croak out earlier, "W-what happened? Where am I?"
"You do not remember," he asked looking at me with surprise. Oh I remembered, just not all of it. I remember as I ran out into the rain. I remembered confronting Tsu'tey during one of my famous breakdowns. I remembered ending up in Tsu'tey's arms as lightening struck a tree. I remembered running across a tree to get to another side. Hell! I even remembered falling into the raging water as it carried me down stream where I ultimately hit my head on a rock!
I also remembered telling the others when I awoke in my human body. Shaking my head to his question I groaned from the sudden pain it brought me by doing so. Finally I mumbled, "No, not really. Last thing I remember is hitting my head against a rock in the river, and then…" Then everything seemed to come back to me. Once Jake and Grace had linked I disobeyed them, and gotten into one of the link beds. Norm had tried to stop me when he realized I was inside, by screaming and banging on the link bed with his fist, however I had paid no mind as I linked.
However when I linked I found myself engulfed within darkness. I could remember someone saving me; Tsu'tey saving me. Then I tried to return to my human body, but….but I couldn't remember from there. Lifting my hand to my face I frowned. I should be in my human body; I should be able to remember what happened. Looking back up at Tsu'tey, I knew I couldn't tell him my fears so instead I whispered, "I remember what happened, up until the darkness. All I remember is giving into my exhaustion and then it was black, and some weird dream, but that was it."
I had been half telling the truth there. The dream was true. While I had been out I had been having dreams, very unusual dreams might I add, of a childhood that had not been my own. A childhood of a Na'vi boy. A proud warrior, Na'vi boy. It was unusual, however what was even more unusual was having to see my own memories as if my mind was a split screen. Then suddenly I had been standing in this room with tons of screens with all these different scenes from my life, and someone else's. I wasn't human Mia. No, I was Na'vi Mia looking down into the darkness where human Mia stood with her back to me. Then Tsu'tey was there. It was then that I started to realize the meaning in the dream. What all the dreams were telling me to do up to this point. They weren't just telling me to choose between my human life and my Na'vi life. No, they were telling me I had a chose to forgive myself, or to keep holding on. That my refusal to let go, would only drive me into a deeper abyss. I needed to let go, and at that point I realized, I needed to let go. It was then that I made my choice. It wasn't my fault that the people in my life had passed away. It had been fate. It had been their time to go, and the only person I could have saved was that woman in the car, and even then the roads had been slippery on that rainy night, even if I had been drinking, and me loosing control of the car hadn't been my fault. I hadn't been that drunk, but because I had been at that state of mind the cops had declared it my fault. Other than that, I had had no chose in the other's deaths. I didn't kill them, and I needed to let it go. I took in a deep breath and when Tsu'tey reached me in the dream and asked what I was doing there, I knew I could answer truthfully. Telling him I was trying to choose, he seemed almost confused. He then had looked down into the darkness where my human form stood; he questioned me of who it was. I answered back at him, '"Someone I don't want to be. I'm not her anymore. She was selfish, angry, sad, and she didn't know how to forgive what she had done. I don't want to be her anymore. I…I think I made my choice."' I had meant what I said too. I was right on what I had called myself, but I had changed since her. Living here on Pandora, those qualities had all but slowly begun to fade. I was happier here than I ever had been, and it was all because he had told me I had to forgive. It was only right my dream had put him there to ask what I was doing.
Then in the dream he had turned to me, and begged me to wake up. I didn't want to. I wanted to wait a little longer, but he seemed adamant about it, and when he told me Jake needed me I turned my attention to him completely as worry swept over me. When he realized I was listening he added in other peoples names trying to convince me, revealing something unusual. Something I don't remember ever hearing. Something about Neytiri having a sister who had passed away. When his final words rang out I had simply closed my eyes, and opened them again. Only when I opened them I was staring up at him fully awake and in my avatar body. I had awoken here where I am now.
Slowly snapping back to reality I realized Tsu'tey had stood and began to make his way to the door. Had he spoken? I didn't know, but fear suddenly enveloped me; the fear of returning to the place I had been before I had awoken; the fear of not being able to return again, and even the fear of returning back to my human body.
Reaching out to him I caught him by the hand and tried to pull him down in a weak attempt as I begged, "Please don't leave. I…don't like being alone. I don't want to close my eyes again. I don't want to go back to that place." He turned to look at me as his eyes slowly softened with slight sympathy, but they were also clouded with some other emotion, and as he looked at me that emotion seemed to change a lot until he finally spoke, "At least allow me to go get someone to go retrieve him." I didn't want him to go, or let go of his hand for that matter. It was rough like any man's should be, but it held a gentleness as it held onto mine, and it made me feel safe. It also seemed to fit just right in his, as if it was meant to be there. Finally I managed a nod, as his hand slipped from mine. Saddened slightly from the loss of his touch, I watched as he stepped through the beaded curtain that hung separating this knot in tree from the outside part of the life still going on without me. However he returned quickly, only this time he kept his eyes from meeting mine. I felt a little guilty for not listening to him. Was he angry with me, and was that the reason why he wasn't looking my way? I knew I could say the words that I rarely spoke. I had always been to prideful to speak them even when I knew I was wrong, however for once they seemed to slip from my lips without trouble.
"I'm sorry," I croaked as he finally turned to look at me with slight shock, but that didn't seem to stop the overflow that came from my lips, "You were right about the storm. I should have listened. I'm sorry Tsu'tey, for everything. For the way I've treated you, and for the way I've been acting lately. I've just been… I don't even know if there's a word for it. It's like I've been gone for a long time, and I've finally returned. Txoa, Forgiveness, those words you told me, have been on my mind for a long time, and I think they've finally knocked some sense into me. I swear that from now on I won't be the same person you knew." I meant it too. I honestly could feel the truth to it inside of me. I had changed within that amount of time I been within my own mind. I had changed in ways that I never thought I'd be able to.
"Don't worry about it. You've been through a lot," he whispered, "I do not blame you for the way you've acted. You are strong Mia, and you should not feel shame for that. Not many warriors can deal with what you have." I felt slight pride in what he said, and respect for him, which was hard considering the way he always acted. However, there was some sense of respect between us there even if it was small.
"You're not mad at me then, or angry?" I asked him just to make sure he meant what he said. His eyes gained a sort of irritated gleam to them; however other emotions once again seemed to cloud over them before he answered, "No." Smiling at him, I didn't notice the hurried footsteps until someone suddenly burst into the room. Turning my head I smiled even brighter as Jake came running over with gleaming eyes. Neytiri was right behind him along with Norm, and Grace. I didn't even notice Mo'at behind them until after Norm moved aside for her.
"Hey sis, you okay," Jake asked as I realized the gleaming in his eyes was from unshed tears. "I'm okay Jake, no need to cry over me you big baby," I joked as my croaking came back slightly.
"Here, have some water," Neytiri ordered me as she handed it over, while Norm and Grace helped pull me up into a sitting position. Shakily I put it to my lips and drank. I felt ungodly weak, but I felt alive, even if I hurt. Once I had placed the bowl beside me Grace and Norm immediately bombarded me with questions that I half answered as my eyes traveled back Tsu'tey while I watched him turn his back on us and leave the room. I felt a slight sadness by his absence. I would have felt much more comfortable if he stayed, however it wasn't his job to do so. He had his life, and I was just as much surprised he had even been here in the first place. Wiping the strong want, of me needing him here, away I turned and focused on the others. Eventually I told all of them to leave me be when they all began asking what had happened. I wasn't ready to explain that I had one of my famous break downs. I could explain it later. Instead I begged Mo'at to tell the others I was in a right enough state to get up and walk around. I didn't feel like laying here and falling back asleep, or travel back to my body. I still feared I wouldn't be able to, as did the others as they insisted that I get some, 'sleep.' However, Neytiri vouched that she would watch over me as she convinced Mo'at to let me walk around and get some well-deserved and needed fresh air.
Eventually the others gave in and let her help me up and walk to the beaded curtain. Pushing it aside she helped me outside where people stood trying to look inside and figure out what was all the commotion. When they caught site of me many came over to see if Neytiri needed help with walking me out, but she shook her head as she made sure she had a strong grip on my arm.
Ever so slowly I regained some of my strength as I managed to hold myself up better. Neytiri brought me over to sit with a group of female warriors that she must have known, before she sat down with us.
"So I'm going to assume she awoke. Is she feeling alright, and are you sure she should be walking around right now," asked one of the female warriors with a braided Mohawk and feathers in her hair.
"She's fine Peyral. She's strong and able too. She's just as good a warrior as you. See, her wounds are already healing," Neytiri spoke oblivious to the fact that I could understand all of what they were saying to one another. Peyral looked at me, as her eyes scanned over my wounds. Even I could see the truth in Neytiri's words. My wounds were healing, at lest the ones I could see. I knew I had some worse wounds on my face and on my head just from the slight twinge of pain they brought me every time I moved, but I didn't know how bad they were.
"It seems Dr. Augustine, fixed her up well, along with you and your mother's help. I say she should be fine in a day or two. However, I'm not so sure about her hair, you might want to tend to that before she notices it," Peyral laughed slightly as the tension between her and Neytiri lessoned. Neytiri turned to look at me too as a few giggles escaped her lips. Playing dumb I mumbled, "What?" Which made most of the female warriors around me begin to laugh even louder.
"Here, I will help you," Peyral said finally speaking in English, then as an afterthought she looked at me and replied, "Your hair looks like an angry thanator got a hold of it." Nodding I allowed them to mess with my hair. Unbraiding it they asked another warrior politely if she'd go get some water to wash out the mud and other various objects that had gotten stuck in my hair during what had happened. When she returned all three girls went to messing with my hair. When they were finally done my hair looked similar to Neytiri's.
"There that looks much better," Neytiri smiled as she and the girls stepped back to admire their work.
"Hello girls, do you mind if I borrow my daughter," came Grace's voice suddenly from behind me. The three girls shook their heads as I turned to look up at Grace. She smiled at me, before replying, "The look fits you well, Mia." I nodded at her forcing a smile as I tried to stand, however eventually I found I needed the help of Grace as she pulled me up the rest of the way. Saying a quick goodbye to the other girls I walked with Grace to where not many Na'vi were. Then when she made sure no one was around she turned to me and asked, "I wish you had listened to me when I told you to stay put in the shack."
"I was worried, and what was the whole deal with you calling me your daughter back there," I questioned as she looked at me and spoke, "You know how you call me Mom around here, well some of them actually believe I am. It's kind of fun pulling their strings, so to speak. However, if I did have a daughter, I wish she would be very much like you…even if she disobeyed me sometimes." Looking at her with a playful smirk I smiled and answered back, "Even bitchiness and all?"
"Even bitchiness and all," she laughed. Shaking her head we stood silent for a few moments, before she finally sighed and said, "When Norm told me that you had linked into your Avatar, and I realized you weren't awake, it scared the shit out of me. I was so worried you would never wake up again, and even now I'm worried that you when fall back to sleep in this body you won't return to yourself. I can honestly say I've never been as scared as I was when all of that happened, within my whole life. I can also say that Jake probably felt the same way I did. Listen Mia, what you did please promise me you won't do again. Promise me you won't disobey my orders ever again, because I can't let myself go through that again, or brother and friends. You're almost like my very own now, and if I lost you I'd never be able to get over it." Guilt seemed to wash over me as I looked at her with teary eyes. Stopping suddenly I turned to her and hugged her with all the strength I had. Grace seemed slightly shocked at first before slowly wrapping her arms around me and holding me just as tightly.
"I promise I won't do it again, Mom," I whispered as I forced the regret back that even as I promised her, I knew that there was a chance that if something like this happened again, I'd probably do the same thing. However I knew she needed to hear it anyway. I knew she needed to be reassured and comforted. I don't think Grace honestly had felt like this in years, and it scared her. I don't blame her though, because it had scared me too, when I finally began to feel feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time either it shocked some sense into me that I didn't know I had.
Pulling away from her finally, we laughed at one another as we saw each other's tear stained cheeks. Wiping them away we began to make our way back to where we had come, but on the way something seemed to tug at my mind, and when I realized what it was I turned to Grace and spoke, "You can go on back to the others. There's someone I want to go see before I turn in for the night." With a nod she left as I made my way to a place I knew I could find him.
It was hard getting up there in my condition, but somehow I seemed to make it. As I walked out onto the limb I found Tsu'tey looking out at the storm from the safety of Home-Tree. How it was possible for Home-Tree to be safe in weather such as this still amazed me, however I guess I could blame it on Eywa. It must be at least, or we'd all be ashes by now.
Tsu'tey heard me as I made my way over to him, but as he looked out of the corner of his eye he mistook me for Neytiri instead, "Is she alright? I mean I would have stayed I just didn't feel right being there, you understand?"
"No not really," I spoke, surprising him as he turned a little shocked to find me instead.
"You're up, and you…."
"I'm not that weak Tsu'tey, and as for the hair Neytiri and her friends got a hold of me. I swear some worlds aren't really that different from others. Take my people for example. Girls there aren't that different from the ones here. They both decided that any chance they get they want to do you're hair just for the fun of it," I chuckled as he still looked at me with unmoving eyes.
"What," I asked taking a seat next to him.
"Nothing..." he mumbled, "Just glad you're awake." His shock slowly faded into a frown, a bit of an angry frown. Which was weird considering he had told me when we had talked earlier he was not angry with me. Had he been lying to make the sick feel better?
"Is everything okay, because last time I checked, I thought it was," I questioned as his frown grew a little deeper.
"When you came here…you came here to learn. Is that the only reason," he spoke finally with his eyes meeting mine as a shadow of anger clouded them.
"Tsu'tey I came here following my brother's wishes. I didn't want to be here, at least not at first, but as time grew and I've lived amongst the people I've found that's all I want out of this place. I do not want to do it harm, not like my people do, and neither does Jake. I love Pandora with all my heart, along with its people, animals, and its deity. If I could, I would never leave it," I whispered the last part as my heart broke. I knew someday I would have to. I couldn't live like this forever. I couldn't be here forever. It's just I had never really taken time to think about it till now. Till he in someway brought it up in me.
"Then don't," Tsu'tey suddenly spoke. Looking up at him shocked he replied, "Don't leave then. You have a choice. You can stay like this till the end if you want."
"Tsu'tey there is things that prevent me from doing so…" I began but I was cut off by his anger as it spiked.
"Like what? The sky-people? What do they have that you want Mia, answer me that? How long have you've been unhappy, until you found happiness here? Do you think you could return to them, and be like this with them," he half-yelled. Standing up abruptly I found I didn't want to speak to him no more. I couldn't. What he was saying was true and I wasn't ready to face that just yet. However, when he realized I had turned my back to him he strode over to me angrily grabbing my arm. Whipping me around he said angrily, "You're different Mia. You've made mistakes, and I understand them in some sick way. Even if it's unusual, I do understand them. I will not watch as you ruin yourself by returning to them."
"Why do you care all of the sudden," I finally spat angrily as my own temper began to rise. How dare he put his hand on me! How dare he act this way when I had done nothing to him, "What has brought all of this on. In the beginning you wouldn't have given a single worry over if my brother and I left or stayed. Now you're acting like there's some meaning to it, almost as if you care that much about me."
"Because I do," he seethed as his face got closer to mine.
"Because you what," I asked a little astonished. His grip lessoned but his face remained in the same place and same expression as he replied once again in English, "Because I care." My eyes widened slightly, and my body seemed to un-tense as I stared at him with slight shock. His own features didn't really change all that much except for his eyes as they softened. When I went to speak I found myself unable to as he had suddenly leaned in and pressed his lips against mine. It was rough, but there was a sort of angry passion behind it. Almost as if he wasn't trying to prove to me something, but instead to himself.
I didn't move at first, yet as he let go of my arm and brought his hand up to my cheek I found my hands slowly placing themselves upon his chest while I let myself melt into him. His kiss was just as my dreams had imagined it to be. So much different from any man I had ever laid my lips upon, and something seemed to spark within my brain almost; a feeling that slowly began to form that I tried forcing back down, and when I succeeded I felt other feelings. Guilt, regret, anger with myself for letting the kiss happen. We shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't let him be doing this.
Gathering my strength I forced him away by pushing hard onto his chest. As our lips parted I brought my hand up to my lips where his had been and looked at him. He seemed confused, hurt, but most of all stunned with himself as well. When he went to speak I took off leaving him alone on the tree limb. This was trouble I had not been asking for when I had came up here to visit him. Making my way back down to the others, everything kept swimming in my mind. Why had I let him do it? Why did he do it? What the hell were we going to do now? What was I going to do now? I was so confused, but the one thing I knew at that moment was that the one thing that I thought was unthinkable, was now thinkable. What happened had happened, and there was no turning back now.
Hehehe I bet you all are flipping out right now. LOL I hope you are cause I worked my butt off on this one too. I know it wasn't long enough, but at least it had a good end to it, sort of. Anyway I hope you liked it, and I'll try to get another written as soon as I can.
I'd like to thank all you nice reviewers for such wonderful reviews. Thank you reviewers-...Mark... StephiHope... VampricDragoness... Raine44354... darkangel1994... and anybody I might have missed.
I'd also like to thank even the people who don't review, but do take the time to read the story. You, all along with the reviewers of course, are what keep me writing and I thank all of you for helping inspiring me to write more.