Etcetera Corporations would like to remind all audiences to remain seated and be reminded that we own nothing of the characters that we cap—I mean, control. Thank you.
BEEP BEEP BEEP …
5…
4…
3…
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1—PYUUUUUUU!! TANTARAN-TARAAAANNNN!! SUUUUUUPER BUNNEEEEHHHHH!!
Freya: Ugh, get that bunny off the screen and slam it back into the freezer!!
Kaz: (wistful look on her face) I love that movie.
Ugh: Ugh. (drags bunny away)
Freya:………… (cough) (cue carnival music) Come one and all, to the magical land of—waitafreakin' minute… you lookin' for typical again?? … I thought Kazu ate you!! Anyway, here's my warning—NO TYPICAL. There is nothing typical in this motion picture that you are about to view in your head. Hopefully, said head is filled to the brim with yaoi thoughts and wishes.
Kaz: …(-burp-)
Freya: As I was saying… (cue carnival music again) Come one and all, to the magical land of Vampire Knight!! Where our favorite bishies are (surprisingly) fluent in the English language and are smart and pop-filled enough to make wacky (and yet correct) current-era references!!
Kaz: … (-tilts her head to the side-) …mmm…bunny…
Freya:… ugh, Ugh, could you get her some bunny from the kitchen? I think Ra's done with the bunny…
Kaz: … (pats her tummy) Bunny….mmm…in tummy…
Ugh: (nods) Ugh.
Freya: so… last chapter, you met us. And, if for some reason you hit your head on a bucket ™ and forgot about Vampire Knight, our wonderful bishies—
Kaz: Uh… (takes out a long piece of paper that looks like a huge map) …lesse… There's Zero…
("STOP CALLING ME THAT!!")
Kaz:…and..uh…Ichijou…
(Ichijou smiled. Again.)
Kaz: And egg- I mean- Aido…
("Ichijouuuuu… what the heck is with all the noise??")
Kaz: And with an Aido comes a Kain…
("Hanabusa… the bump on your head is swelling…")
Kaz: And with the cookie jar comes a Shiki.
("Heck, we'd do it even if you were watching.")
Kaz: …and to top the sundae of wonderful bishies off… Kaname-chii.
("Would you want me to mark you now, then?")
Freya: so, let's begin the wonderful interview!! Roll the cameras, Ugh.
Ugh: Ugh. (rolls the camera…)
ETC: enjoy!!
"MASTER ZEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
"Shut up Hoshu!"
"BUT IT'S BEEN SUCH A LOOOOOOOOOOONNNNGGGG TIME SINCE I LAST STARED AT YOUR PICTURE!!"
"Hoshu, Shut. Up."
"YOU LOOK SOOOOOOO MUCH MOOOOORE RADIANT THAN IN THE PHOTOS!!"
"Hoshu, I'll rip the damn photos up if you don't shut up!! What are you doing here anyway? And why are you driving those two crazy… things around?! And for god's sake, let go of my leg!!"
"…………………………." A moment of silent reflection…
"..MASTER ZEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
A wooden cane (same as the one that pinned Zero down on the ground only minutes before) suddenly separated the two.
"Hoshu, cease and desist! You must return to the depths of the car from which we hijacked!!" Freya exclaimed and fixed her top hat. They were standing out in the hallway of another lounge in the Moon Dorms, and Hoshu had just popped in to deliver their equipment.
Placing a box at the blonde's feet, Hoshu bowed, yelled Zero's name and exclaimed his feelings of utter sorrow and misery once again, and went off.
Freya looked up at the silver haired teen. "So, Zero-pon-kuru-mappo-dokidoki-achuu-keppi-myuu-ruruppu-usa-kumo-kawaii-chii, would you be so kind as to help me get these materials of torture into the lounge?" she asked pleasantly.
It didn't take long for Zero to answer, "NO."
"Such cruelty! Such despair! Such morose emotions threatening to overwhelm us all! Kazu, get the Kaname!" she exclaimed and pointed towards the lounge.
Kazuya nodded and began her merry little skippity-skip towards the dorm president.
(Freya had pulled out her flute and began to play a jaunty little skippity-skip-music for Kazu)
The Lolita-clad blonde skipped all the way (--home…?) to the lounge. There was a brief moment of silence before a loud 'thump!' was heard. In a mere minute, Kazuya has acquired 'the Kaname'.
"So, Zero-pon-kuru-mappo-dokidoki-achuu-keppi-myuu-ruruppu-usa-kumo-kawaii-chii, would you dare go against our whims now that we have Kaname?!" Freya intoned, waving her cane around (almost hitting both boys).
The 'last Kiryu spawn' (XD) merely blinked, "Still NO."
Kazuya observed this scene and came up with a very valid observation, " I think he's being such an ass even with Kaname-sama here because he's not close enough to him. He can't feeeeeeeel his awesomeness from a foot away… or maybe he just wants this-"
Kaz nodded at Kaname, who blinked and undid three buttons on his shirt.
"Bravo, bravo." Freya said as she clapped—her hands on Zero's back, as he choked very loudly and unexplainably on his own oxygen.
"Then, let us begin!!"
(Etc. Corps would like to interrupt this motion picture to announce that the rest of the presentation will now be in script form)
Kaz: (ahem!) Hello everyone.
Freya:… (behind the couch that they lounged on) Just a few more minutes and we'll be ready!!
Kaz: ..uh…right… So while we wait for whatshername-
Freya: Goldfish, hand me the check list.
Kaz: (blink) I'm no goldfish… (hands over the check list) Here you go.
Freya: (mumbles under her breath and checks the list) Ok, we've got the chains, the lie detector version 3.0, Hoshu's cell number, Ichiou's cell number and Toga's big, funny, tattered hat. We can begin!!
(Meanwhile. The couch sitting arrangement was like this: three seater- from Left to Right – Kain, Kaname and Zero; armchair to the left- Aido, loveseat to the right- Ichijou and Shiki; the girls were sitting on the two seater across them)
Freya: …so, did anyone get any last night?
Shiki: (raises his hand) I did.
Ichijou: (blushing) Shiki!
Shiki: No wait…make that WE did. (smiiiiirrrk)
Freya: (nods) wonderful. Aido? Akatsuki-dono?
Aido: (will choose to ignore the obvious way he was insulted) …some…?
Kain: (looks to the side) no.
Freya:…(nods) Sad.
Kaz: (blink) And why not? Last night, if I'm not mistaken, it was very chilly.
Kain: (nod) precisely my point. Sometimes it gets too cold.
Freya: Your greatness astounds me, Akatsuki-dono! (grasping Kain's hands)
Kaz: Uh-huh. Now… Zero-pon-kuru-mappo-dokidoki-achuu-keppi-myuu-ruruppu-usa-kumo-kawaii-chii?
Zero:…what the heck are you talking about?
Kaz: Hm…you know that sudden urge you get when you see Kaname-sama?
Zero: To shoot him? -.-
Kaz: (straight face too -.-) No. To bed him.
Freya: Yes, you hormonally charged boy you. Zero-pon-kuru-mappo-dokidoki-achuu-keppi-myuu-ruruppu-usa-kumo-kawaii-chii, don't you know what that is? You lived with—no, wait, they're divorced so it's only right that you don't know.
Zero: …??
Freya: Kaname? Did you dream last night? (innocent music plays in the background) A nice dream?
Kaname: …(blink)… Oh. Uh…yes. I think I did. (blink)
Freya:… Kaz, lie detector.
Kaz: (nods) (grabs a little pet carrier and opens it) (out comes a white fox with a perpetually smiling face (1) ) (the fox walks over to Kaname and sniffs the air)
…
Freya: Well, Gin-chan? (the fox nodded and trotted back into the cage) I see. Wet dream questions, over. (check!) Now, question number one: What article of clothing would you prefer to be reborn as?
Kain:… reborn?
Shiki: OO oh gawd… articles of clothing are born?? …I didn't know that.. (grabs cookie from his cookie jar and starts nibbling on it thoughtfully)
Ichijou: (pats his head dismissively) Clothes aren't born Shiki, she's just asking what article of clothing you wanted to be.
Shiki: Oh. That's easy. I want to be YOUR articles of clothing.
Everyone else: (sweatdrop)
Freya: Duly noted. Aido, you?
Aido: Well, all I know is that I don't want to be a shirt …because Akatsuki doesn't really like them-
Kain: the maids have a thing against my shirts, I actually like them. … specially the black one. In response to your inanely weird question, a sweater.
Kaz: Why a sweater?
Kain:… I like keeping things warm. (shrug)
Freya:…(sniff,sniff) Understood. And Kaname-chii, Zero-pon-kuru-mappo-dokidoki-achuu-keppi-myuu-ruruppu-usa-kumo-kawaii-chii?
Kaname: …a shirt with many buttons…so I'll be hard to remove.
Freya: Purposeful! …and kinda kinky. Zero-pon-kuru-mappo-dokidoki-achuu-keppi-myuu-ruruppu-usa-kumo-kawaii-chii?
Zero: A jacket with many zippers, so that I'll most likely not be worn and be safe inside the closet.
Kaname: …I like those kinds of jackets…
Ichijou: You never wear them though…
Kaname: (looks at Zero purposefully) …but I will now (insert a mind-noise 'rawr' here).
Freya: Ichijou, Shiki, you two never answered me…
Shiki: I said I wanted to be Ichijou's articles of clothing, didn't I?
Freya: Specify!
Shiki: … (straight serious face) Why, his underwear of course.
(Etc. Corps would like to remind the viewers that we are an institution apart from the MTRCB-rating-ruled groups)
Freya:………ignoring Ichijou's blushing and everyone else's shocked and bemused expressions, I dare ask you, WHY?
Shiki: Simple. Because it's the last article to go before we-
Ichijou: (puts a hand over Shiki's mouth) Scarf. It always chokes people very easily. (mega-watt smile) Shall we move on now?
Freya: Quite. Next question; Compare your partner to a flavor. Yes, a flavor. Zero-pon-kuru-mappo-dokidoki-achuu-keppi-myuu-ruruppu-usa-kumo-kawaii-chii?
Zero: Uh…first of all, I have NO partner. Second, how on EARTH can you keep on repeating that AWFUL SOUNDING NICKNAME??
Freya:…because I am always assured that it annoys you. Therefore, I have reason! And reason dictates that I annoy you more! … and what are you saying? You haven't realized that you're sitting beside him right now?
Zero: (raises an eyebrow) …Kain-senpai?
Freya: O.O whooee… (fans herself with the checklist) uhh… well, that would certainly be the hottest thing but—
Aido: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! AKATSUKIIIIIIIII!! ('glompshes' Kain)
Kain: (ish glompshed) Hanabusa. (hugs back)
Freya: --I don't think I'll be able to handle that much heat… ehehehehe………… ehm… yes, I MEAN KANAME, YOU COCA COLA ™ MERCHANDISER!!
Kaname: How could you be so mean, Je-wo-bean… (smirk)
Zero: wha- now YOU'RE doing it?! Oh, I've had enough of this—
Freya:…I'll call Hoshu. Seriously. He's just outside. On photobucket ™.
Zero: … (quietly deliberating on which fate is worse….) … (huffs and stays in his seat)
Freya: Good puppy. Now, answer me, Shiki! Oh, Liberal One…
Shiki: …uh….cookie-flavor.
Freya:--apparently, you're not as creative as 'Runway Secrets' hopes you are. (another motion picture in progress by Etc. Corps)
Shiki: Oh. Did you want that other flavor that I get when we-
Ichijou: (jams a cookie in his mouth) Forgive him, he's muddled up.
Freya: (nods) … Akatsuki-dono. How about you and Aido?
Aido: (still fuming after Freya's attempt at pairing Kain with someone else) …Akatsuki…uhm… Chocolate, I guess.
Freya: Reason! Reason, or I'll sic Gin-chan on you.
Aido: (pink) (deep breath) –BECAUSE HE'S SWEET AND HE MAKES ME FEEL ALL BETTER ALL THE TIME.
Freya: (quietly to herself: Why must he scream it so?) Uh-huh. Okies. Akatsuki-dono?
Kain: (blink) …Vanilla-Lemon.
Kaz: …and you say this from an experienced point of view…?
Kain: (flat look) Yes.
Kaz: O.O oh.dear. …………………………………….. (really quiet voice) ok.
Freya: …Now, Kaname-chii. A decent answer, please.
Kaname: … (sigh) I would love to answer but… (glances at Zero) …He's refusing me.
Freya: And who in their right mind would… now, just think, I know you have a wild imagination. I won't bring up the things we heard from your room last night… (cough).
Kaname: …strawberry…so I can lick him all day long. (wistfully looks at Zero's shoulder)
Freya: (pyuuuu-face) Sure. Everyone would love that. Like Coke-Zero. Uh-huh. Yeap. Right. Ichijou?
Ichijou: … Mint. (mega-watt smile)
Freya: Uh… I'll take that as a threat to not ask anymore. (nod) very well. Third question—
Kaname: Wait. … Just what is this 'Coke Zero' you often speak of, and how is it related to mine?
Freya:--Would you like to be turned into a girl? If you were one, without any choice, what would be your reaction?
Aido: (blink) I think…it would be…exciting to be a girl… but it'll be too troublesome. (has much experience, with his mother's daily rants and what not…)
Kain:… If I had no other choice, I guess I'll accept with about 10 minutes of screaming. (shrug) Girls have it tougher anyway.
Ichijou: Oh, I wouldn't mind. Everyone already thinks that I could be a girl, either way. I think it would be fun. (mega watt smile)
Shiki: … no.
Freya: Fine, what if Ichijou was a girl?!
Shiki: …yay.
Ichijou: … I didn't know you were that dissatisfied… (attempts to leave love seat)
Shiki: (grabs Ichijou by his waist) It's just that it suits you so perfectly…I don't think I'll have any problem adjusting to it. But I may have to change my motto to "Let us make heirs!!" or something…
(silence from the witnesses)
Freya: … I would love to refer you to a marriage counselor, except he's busy breaking up a music-fest in the kitchen right now… (cough)
Kaname: …did you purposely ignore my question?
Freya: (grabs a picnic basket from behind the couch and hands it to Kazuya) Break out the Coke Zero, I'm thirsty. Anyway, Kaname, your answer?
(everyone is now staring in awe at the words 'ZERO' on a coke can)
(…truly astounding, it is…)
Freya: ooh, something to drink! (pops open Coke Zero –in can- and drinks) ah… definitely, Zero's the best…
Kaz: Ah, you bet… (gulp) This one's soooo much nicer than the other, too. So nice and polite… (stares at can) …and so filling, and bubbly, and nice –wait. Did I already say that? Oh well- and cute…
Freya: and good for the body!
Both: (high five's) WE HAVE BEEN ZEROED!! YAY!!
Kaname: (stares at his can) Yeah, I guess it is better-
Zero: (stands up, heads for the door) I've had enough of this, I don't care if you call my wacko-butler, I'm leaving!
Kaz: Ah, there goes a truly brave soul. One who leaves things unfinished and hanging.
Freya: Yes, there goes the wayward brother, who –it is rumored- was the exact shape and consistency of a jelly bean when he was born and until he was scarred by food… (raises coke zero) To Coke, to Zero, and to Coke Zero!!
(Everyone: (toasts) )
Zero: (slams door)
…
Freya: oh, pudding, he actually left! … uhm… I—
Shiki: …Ano, while our dorm president stares off into nothing, may I ask who this 'Hoshu' is and how is he connected to Zero's suffering?
Both: HE IS THE BEST BUTLER EVER!! (Etc. Corps would like to apologize for the lack of a song number at this point, as we are too damn proud to let you hear us sing… we also care about your ear drums)
Freya: he took care of Zero, took pictures of Zero, gave Zero to the world wide web… see, we have a poster of him, posing for Coke Zero.
(if you can imagine a naked-from-the-waist-up Zero drinking a Coke Zero can like there's no tomorrow- or like he has no shirt, yes, that is the poster… yes, ladies, drool… that is hotness being covered with the summer's favorite drink…)
Kaz: Hoshu practically BREATHES photobucket and photoshop!! He's one of our best Zero-oriented references!!
Kaname: (abruptly stands up and goes –after Zero-)
Freya:………… anyone want this? Coz, I've like a dozen of his half-naked photos.
…
(care to go outside camera-man?)
-outside…-
(thank you, camera man)
Zero sighed, when he finally discerned that no little-girl was following him up the tree he resided in. The branch was strong enough for one person, so he leaned against the tree- and cursed many curse words in his head.
It was already around mid-day and there were no Night Class students to behold outside their respective dorm rooms. The Day Class students were, thankfully, still cooped up in their classrooms.
Zero glanced around, and as any runaway animal knew, decided to change hiding places, as it was not wise to stay in one place all the day long, simply waiting to be caught.
He jumped to the ground—
--and right into someone's arms.
-back inside…-
(thank you, Ugh!)
Freya: and that is the story of how we got all these half-naked photos of you, Zero, Akatsuki-dono and Kaname-chii. Satisfied, Shiki?
Shiki: (nods) Now, would you mind telling us WHY you know so much about us??
Freya: WIKIPEDIA! And, Chibisuke's.
Kaz: Allow us to tell you the full-length story…
-back outside…- in the shade of the tree…-
"…Kuran-senpai, let go of me." With a flat look, he attempted to wriggle away from the vampire, currently holding him around his waist, his arms pinned to the side.
Kaname was frowning ever so slightly, "Why do you run from me, Zero?"
"The question is, why wouldn't I?" unfazed, he was still trying to be free.
"…I guess you're right...but you should at least give me a chance-"
"To what, get rid of me once and for all? We both hate each other anyway. So why bother?" Zero's eyes fell to the ground, and he stilled. "So, let go of me now?"
Kaname's grip loosened, "…Who said I hated you…?"
Zero looked bewilderedly up at him. "You?"
The taller of the two shrugged, "Well…I had to…"
"Why??" Zero asked, as confused as a wolf being freed from its trap.
"…Because it was the only way things could fall perfectly into place."
…
… …
… … …
"…So… DO you hate me?" the silver haired ex-vampire hunter looked, leaning against the tree, arms crossed and looking less willing to run away than before.
Kaname took a moment to console himself for suddenly blurting out part of his (-controller complex..?-) plan to Zero (OF ALL PEOPLE) before he replied, "…I have no reason to. Well, since I don't, and you don't aside from the fact that I 'hate' you, which I don't, we don't really have a reason to hate each other, other than our mutual 'hate' towards each other--"
Zero began to walk away.
"Alright-fine- I DON'T HATE YOU."
Zero turned, his hands jammed into his pockets, looking boyishly at him.
"Ok."
-back inside…-
Freya:… and then, I said, 'Kazu, you don't really believe that, do you?' cause really, I thought she didn't! and then, the camera guy said, 'Uh, we're done filming…' actually, we were done filming since five hours ago…
Kaz: (nod, nod) Any other questions?
Kain: …why does she call me Akatsuki-dono?
Kaz: Coz she wants to. Next!
Freya: BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!
Aido: ((here we go again --;)) AH! OH NO YOU DON'T!! AKATSUKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!
Freya: -kidding. i love you two, together. Anywayz, where are those two?? Did they probably go and hit the bases while we were discussing matters of absolutely no importance whatsoever??
Kaz: Nope. I don't think they're hitting off those bases just yet. I think they're just discovering them…
Freya: …O.O oh. Ok. Uhm. I… gotta… say this is the best damn interview we've done so far! It totally beats the radio shows with the perfect triangle and the wolf—O.O Yzaaaaaaaaaaakk……
Kaz: (slaps Freya) Not now, dammit.
Freya: -oomph! … ok, fine, got it. I'm back! … anyway, we'll ask you the last question for now, since we do have to eat lunch… GIMME THREE WISHES!!
Aido: Peace at Cross Academy, my own garden of sunflowers, and…. Akatsuki's happiness.
Kain: I'll wish the other two wishes to Hanabusa. I don't have any use for them anyway.
Shiki: Cookies, more cookies…and (whisper) Ichijou turning into a girl.
Freya: forever? Cause, I can do that. I know a doctor… who's really thorough…
Shiki: … Well, if Ichijou would want to-
Ichijou: (attempts to get off of shiki –yes, he's been sitting on his lap since that two questions ago)
Freya:… right… uhm, I hear heavy footfalls, so I assume that Kaien-shi's pet-divorcee has come to get us for lunch.
(cue door opening)
Toga: Give me back my hat!
Freya: when pigs fly higher than Team Rocket!! (runs away from Toga)
Toga: (takes out his gun and poises for a chase…but before that--) (blink) Oh. Right. (takes out mini-sticky note) Cross wants y'all for lunch.
Freya: Damn right he does! I wanna taste his style of cooking!! (and not die) (grabs Kazuya and the fox) Let's go, Kazu, Gin-chan!
Kaz: We'll resume the interview after lunch!!
Freya: Let's go get Zero-pon-kuru-mappo-dokidoki-achuu-keppi-myuu-ruruppu-usa-kumo-kawaii-chii, and Kaname-chii, so we can all have lunch together!!
SLAM!!
…
Fin…
…for now…
--
Kaz: It's…getting mildly dark outside…
Fix: yes… and I'm cutting it close! Then again, I am an accomplished diplomat…
Note: (1)Gin-chan the fox, is of course, Ichimaru Gin—in fox form. He is from the super cool anime and manga, BLEACH! But this fox form of him is Etc. Corps own doing. We credit it to Muraki Kazutaka, also not our property, and as to why he has appeared? WE LOVE HIM TO PIECES.
Freya: that's true. Anyway, you may be wondering where the hell this motion picture-fic-interview is going… DON'T ASK!! Even I don't know… Kaz?
Kaz: So, for now, it's so long, farewell, auf wiedersen, goodbye.
Goooooooooooooooooooooooooddddd BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! ((awful recitation of a Sound of Music song))
Freya: Hoshu is an OC, ok? We don't really know if Zero had a wacko-butler. And, for all mentions of Coke Zero, we'd like to thank Coca Cola. And that bucket? We'll explain in the next chapter.
(You've been etcetera-ed!)