I envisioned this story to be a sort of comedy with romantic elements, so here it is. It's not my best, and it's not full of delicious spice, so as a compromise I wrote and posted the story "Juliet" for readers asking for something heavy. I hope it will be at least a little amusing for the rest of you.
"You want me to do what?!" Gerald gasped loudly as he nearly fell off Arnold's couch in shock. He held up his hands in plaintiff. "But Arnold you don't just up and 'do bad things'. It's not in your nature. Have you been running around with Frankie G. again?"
"No, Gerald," Arnold laughed. He had not seen the teenager again since Gerald had pulled his head free from the window the said teenager had stuck him in. He had learned his lesson. As Gerald had said, Frankie G. was bad news.
"I don't want to do anything really bad, Gerald. I just want to get a little mischievous. See what it can do. I've been thinking about this a lot, Gerald, and do you know what, Gerald?" said Arnold grabbing his friend's shirt. Like a bully about to shake a kid down for lunch money, he stuck his nose in Gerald's face and glared.
"What?" said Gerald trying to get Arnold's hand to release from his shirt. He did, readily.
"Well, I remembered. Back at FTI, we were doing something bad. We were breaking into a building. I think Helga liked it."
"Liked? Liked it how?"
"When she and I first met on the rooftop. Before we got on the bus that became runaway, she kissed me. We both agreed later that night it was in the heat of the moment. I think," Arnold presumed incorrectly, "that Helga likes it when I do something bad."
"So do you really want to be with a girl like that?" Gerald asked deep in doubt.
"Well. I don't know! But I need to know for myself. If it's true that is. So I need you to help me come up with things I can do that are bad. Things short of suspension."
"It's a dangerous game to play, Arnold," said Gerald in all seriousness. "But I commend your brazenness. I guess I can make a few suggestions," Gerald began. His doubts still lingered.
"Great!" said Arnold ready to begin planning. He and Gerald plotted into the late evening hours. Arnold anxiously awaited school the next day.
When the sun dawned, it was time to bad! English was the second subject of the day. As usual, Mr. Simmons had them all craft a poem. Arnold and Gerald had prepared for this last night. In his bag was a poem copied straight out of a book Mr. Simmons often read from in class. If Phoebe had cheated, why couldn't he? With a stealthy grin, Arnold handed in his poem of the day. Mr. Simmons accepted the page and began to read. Arnold's grin grew wider as Mr. Simmons' eyes rolled across the page and he frowned.
"Hm. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Arnold," said Mr Simmons setting down the page on Arnold's desk. "I think you've misunderstood the assignment. You're a very talented student, so I will give you an extension to turn a new poem in tomorrow. But the assignment isn't to choose a poem that's special to you! It's to write a poem about a place or thing that's important to you. Alright?" Said Mr. Simmons with a very sympathetic nod. Arnold grimaced. Part one of their plan had failed.
"Alright, Mr. Simmons. Sorry," Arnold said, the apology slipping out of his mouth before he could correct himself. Gerald slapped himself in the forehead. So far their plan was not going well at all. But at least Helga was watching. Arnold turned and caught her staring at him. A few moments after he turned, she began to move her pencil again, working diligently on her page as if she had never paused.
"Did you see that?" Arnold whispered to Gerald, faintly encouraged by the thought that Helga might have read more into his poem by Longfellow than Mr. Simmons had. Arnold and Gerald stopped their whispering when the sound of Helga's pencil ceased again. Feeling bold, Arnold turned around in his chair. A cheeky grin spread across his face and Helga's mild stare bloomed into one of full-blown confusion. Arnold was, without a doubt, acting very strange today!
But that was only the start of it! Lunchtime rolled around and Arnold drank his milk and bolted down his pudding cup. He still had sloppy, greasy, barely edible meatloaf surprise on his plate. Arnold waited for Gerald to give him the go-ahead signal. With a wink and a thumb's up, Gerald nodded. Arnold gritted his teeth and shutting his eyes, tossed the meatloaf surprise across his table to land smack dab on Stinky Peterson's face. It ran down his chin with orange dribbles.
"Ew!" Said Sid who was sitting next to Stinky. He pinched his nose. "Now you smell like meatloaf surprise!" He complained. Then the boy shrugged and dipped a spoon into his own food tray of plain mashed potatoes. Stinky, meanwhile, took a large handkerchief from his pocket and began to wipe his face with it.
"Um, Stinky," said Arnold standing up from the table. "Aren't you, you know, angry I threw that at you?"
"Nah, Arnold," said Stinky astounding him. "You're an outright good kid, Arnold and I'm sure it was all just a freak accident. Don't y'all worry about it! I already smell like meat sauce anyway on account I was feeding Snappy ground hamburger meat for breakfast this morning." Arnold blinked. Somehow, instead of starting a food fight, they had gotten off to talking about pet turtles.
"Great," Arnold sighed settling one cheek again his hand. He didn't bother to lift his head when Helga walked right past him, book in hand.
"Gerald," Arnold complained after lunchtime had ended. "This isn't working! Everyone thinks I'm too much of a good kid to do anything!"
"Settle down, man!" Gerald scolded him, laying a restraining hand on Arnold's shoulder. "All you've got to do is stick to the plan. Phase three! I've already talked to Eugene and everything." Gerald said with a smile. Arnold looked to the sky then rolled his eyes down again.
"All right, Gerald. Let's do this!"
Part three of Arnold and Gerald's plan? Bully another kid. Arnold and Gerald leant against their lockers in the second floor hallway until Helga began to trot by on her way to class. Arnold sweated at the sight of her.
"Don't worry," Gerald whispered. "I've paid Eugene five bucks. All you need to do is fake tripping him. Go on, go!" Gerald said giving Arnold a shove. Arnold squared his shoulders and marched off down the hall to meet Eugene.
Arnold prowled as boldly as he could until Eugene was a mere few steps in front of him. Then, Arnold extended his right leg out as Eugene made to pass by him. It was a trick Arnold had fallen for a number of times with Helga. It was funny for him to see just how well it worked as Eugene splat on the floor and split the books in his hands. The book trail created led up to Helga's feet and Arnold grinned again at Helga's blank stare at the sight unfolding before her.
But Arnold's victory was taken away when moments later, an out of control librarians trolley rolled out the library's doors, across the hallway a mere foot in front of Eugene's nose, and into the doors of an adjoining classroom. There was an enormous crash. They could hear breaking tables and startled shouts from the upper grade class within. Eugene slowly gathered himself to his feet, then grasped Arnold's hands in his own to shake them up and down with joy.
"Thanks, Arnold!" Eugene beamed. "You're a real lifesaver! If you hadn't tripped me just then, I would have run over by that trolley for sure! I don't know how to thank you! You're my hero!"
"Don't mention it, Eugene," said Arnold passively allowing his hand to be wrenched up and down. "No, really. In mean that! Don't mention it!"
"Argh!" said Arnold biting his pencil during math class. "This isn't going well, Gerald!"
"Don't worry, Arnold!" Gerald declared. The failure of all their prior plans had not diminished his enthusiasm for trying them. "This next one is a sure thing. I'll be part of it. There's the bell. Let's go!"
Part four of their plan to make Arnold 'bad' was: brawl. It was art period now. If there was one sure way to get a detention, Arnold thought, it would be to pour paint on someone. He had gotten a detention for doing just that to Helga once, only today he had planned a paint fight with Gerald. Plus a fake fist fight. The two friends set their chairs face to face against one another's cleared their throats, and then…
"No, you're stupid," Gerald began without preamble. Arnold hunched over and squinted his eyes.
"No, you're stupider!" Arnold declared hoping someone was watching.
"No, you're stuuuupppiiidddeeerrr!" Gerald ground out slowly, elaborating each syllable.
"Oh yeah?" muttered Arnold.
"Oh yeah?" Gerald mocked.
"Yeah!" Arnold muttered.
"Yeah!" Gerald mocked, then ducked involuntarily as some paint flew straight for his head.
"Hey, man, watch the hair," Gerald said dipping his hands into his own bucket of yellow paint and flinging it toward Arnold. The two boys emptied their paint buckets then clenched their fists.
"Oh yeah?" asked Arnold standing up.
"Yeah!" said Gerald pretending to swing. Arnold ducked easily, then swung his own fist at Gerald so softly it barely touched. Gerald faked falling over.
"Ooo. Agh!" Gerald yelped unconvincingly in a pool of yellow and green paint. "You hit me!" Mr Simmons walked over with a wide frown.
"Boys!" Mr. Simmons said shaking a finger at them. "I know you two must be eager to audition for the school's next play, but this is art period! I must ask that you two clean up the mess you've made! Go directly to the hall closet and get some mops and a bucket!" Mr. Simmons pointed toward the hallway firmly.
"Yes, Mr. Simmons," Gerald and Arnold chorused, downcast.
"What a bust!" Gerald lamented when they reached the hall. "Paint all down my shirt for nothing!"
"Maybe we should change into gym clothes," Arnold mused pulling his own shirt.
"Well, there's only one more phase to go," Gerald announced gravely. "It's try or fail! The chewing gum!" He pulled two full packages of Arnold's favorite grape-flavored bubble gum from his pocket, plus an empty sandwich bag.
"Let's get chewing! You take one pack, and I'll work on the other." Arnold sighed.
"Alright, Gerald." But by this point, he was convinced nothing was going to work.
A mere two class periods left to go. Arnold busied himself by chewing bubblegum instead of listening to the lecture. Then, when Gerald passed him the second bag of chewed gum, Arnold took a deep, steadying breath. This whole crazy plan was his idea in the first place and he had to see it through to the no matter what the consequences.
Mr. Simmons turned to face the board and began to scribble on it with white chalk. Arnold took this as an opportunity to get down out of his chair and crawl on his hands and knees to the back of the class. Then, standing behind everyone, he grit his teeth and tossed a gob of used chewing gum into Rhonda's hair. Then Curly's, and Nadine's and the hair of just about everyone in class! But not Helga. Arnold just could not bring himself to do it. Then, feeling a world of guilt, he strode back to his seat to sit and wait for the first kid to discover just what he had done.
"What!?" Rhonda Lloyd screamed out loud when she discovered the wedge of gum sticking to her hair. She tried in vain to tease it out with her fingers. "What is this!" Arnold shrunk down into his seat as everyone around them began to chorus her yells with their own.
"Ew! Who did this?!" Mr. Simmons looked around the tumultuous classroom. He knew of only one student with dead aim.
"Helga. I'm sorry to have to ask you this, but did you do this?"
"Huh?" Helga blinked. An angry Rhonda pointed at her.
"It must be you Helga! Everyone has gum in their hair but you!"
"She didn't do it!" A very unexpected voice spoke up. "I did." All of his fellow students turned toward Arnold and gaped. He crossed his arms.
"You did it, Arnold? Impossible!"
"Yes I did. See?" Arnold pulled a fistful of empty gum wrappers from his pocket and spread them out across his desk for all to see. He kept his eyebrows furrowed.
"Arnold!" Mr. Simmons warned. "I'm afraid I have no choice but to give you detention for the rest of the week."
"Yes, Mr. Simmons," Arnold replied with a hollow voice. But when Mr. Simmons turned back to the board again, Gerald lifted his hand up in the air. Arnold grinned and shared a lukewarm high-five with him.
"You did it! You got detention, Arnold!" said Gerald slapping Arnold on his back so hard he nearly fell over.
"Yeah," Arnold laughed weakly. "I've only been trying all day." But he shared a thumb shake with Gerald just the same. Arnold was surprised by a hard jab between his shoulder blades. He turned to see Helga. Her eyes smoldered.
"What the heck are you and Tall-Hairboy up to?" Helga demanded. Gerald grinned and winked. He leant over the back of his chair with a smug expression.
"What makes you think we're up to anything? You tell her, Arnold!"
"Yeah. Yeah," Arnold mumbled trying to think fast. "What makes you think I can't be bad, too? Why, I can be just as mean as the next guy, I'll bet!" Arnold exaggerated. He watched Helga carefully for her reaction.
"Humph!" Helga said. She turned her head away with a loud sniff. Gerald and Arnold beamed.
Detention that afternoon after school was boring, but worth it. So far, the gamble Arnold had taken was prodding some sort of reaction out of Helga. Of course, there was a downside to it to. Mr. Simmons was disappointed in Arnold and his classmates were furious. But it was time to test Arnold's theory that Helga became enamored with Arnold when he was misbehaving himself. Gerald waited outside the school door on its steps for Arnold to get out. Then he fell into step with Arnold as the two trudged home for the day.
"This is it, Arnold!" Gerald declared. "Tomorrow's the day! Now that you've got her attention, it's time to bring on the 'seduce'!"
"You're right, Gerald." Arnold nodded. "It's now or never. It's time I understood Helga. I can never read what's going on in that mind of hers, but by tomorrow, I'll know!"
"Just stick to the game plan!" Gerald admonished. Arnold said goodbye to his best friend on his stoop steps. For tonight, he needed to prepare, then get some rest. Tomorrow would be an even greater challenge. Arnold planned to flirt with Helga Pataki!
"Hey, Arnold!" Gerald greeted him at his front door first thing in the morning. The dark-skinned boy squinted his eyes and lay a hand under his chin as he gave his blond-haired friend a careful examination. "Spin, around, man, let me get a good look at you. Hm, hm, hm. Looking good if I do say so myself!"
"Thanks," Arnold offered back with a little swagger. He did look a little cool this morning. His hair was slicked back and his usual clothes replaced with black jeans and a white T-shirt. Over the T-shirt, he wore an unbuttoned, deep burgundy, solid color top. For final touches he wore dress shoes instead of sneakers, an expensive watch, and a silver chain around his neck. Arnold preferred his usual clothes but he was going for a costlier look today.
"Stylin, man!" Gerald gave as his final approval. "Now check this out! I borrowed my Dad's cologne. To give you that manly smell!" Arnold choked as Gerald misted him with a bit of it.
"Are you sure that isn't too much? I am still in the fourth grade, you know."
"Nothing's too much for a lady," disagreed Gerald. Even if he did not like Helga Pataki, helping Arnold with his project was proving to be a lot of fun. "You've got everything you need, right?"
"Ready!" said Arnold. He pulled a box of chocolates from his school bag.
"Nice!"
The school bell hadn't rung yet. Helga would be hanging out at her locker with Phoebe, Arnold knew, so he snuck the box of chocolates into her desk. Then he settled down into his chair to wait. Five moments before the school bell rang again, starting class, Helga wandered in. Her eyes were drowsy and barely registered Gerald standing by the door. But they flew wide open at the sight of Arnold with his slicked back hair and new outfit as she passed him. Slowly, Helga sat down in her chair and opened her desk to get notebook paper. She spied the heart-shaped box and her eyes widened even further.
"What the!" Helga sputtered out loud as she opened the box. "Hm. I guess I'll feed these to Harold to make sure they aren't poisoned or nothing!" Helga shrugged. She replaced the cover on the box.
"Good morning class!" Mr. Simmons said starting class on schedule. Everyone chorused after him. Homework was collected and the rote day had begun. Several minutes into Mr. Simmon's lecture Arnold threw a paper airplane at Helga's desk. It landed on the face of her book and she unfolded it quickly when she read her name on it.
"How did you like the chocolates?" The note read. Arnold gave the girl staring at him a bold wink, then turned to face the teacher once again. Helga startled when another paper airplane landed on her desk. Hands shaking, she unfolded it.
"You look gorgeous," the note read but this time Arnold did not turn to see Helga's reaction. Even he did not dare. Mr. Simmons changed the subject of their lesson from English to history.
"Go on, Arnold!" Gerald hissed as the clock ticked ever onwards toward lunchtime. "Throw the third note!" Arnold removed the third sheet of paper from the back of his book. Sweating, he folded the note into an airplane as slowly as he could manage and set it on the desk before him. Gerald made an angry face and him and pointed his finger twice between the airplane and Helga. Then he silently slammed his desk with his fists three times for emphasis. It was a silent way of miming, 'Arnold, throw that airplane NOW!"
Arnold wished he could just ignore Gerald. But he was right. They had too come far to turn back now, so he lobbed the third airplane toward Helga's desk. It landed neatly and she took her time in opening it. When she read the words within, her brows furrowed in a mixture of anger and confusion, not the love or giddiness Arnold had been expecting. Arnold sunk low in his desk. The bell rang, dismissing them to lunch at last.
"Gerald," Arnold whispered to his friend, pulling him aside. "What do I do? She didn't seem pleased at the last note!"
"Just go on with the plan, man. It's too late to back out now. You've already invited her. You've got to show."
"Alright", Arnold muttered taking a deep, steadying breath. Helga's last look at him had him nervous. He only hoped she would resist finishing him off the next time they met.
The third note Arnold had given to Helga had read, "meet me in the janitor's closet". It seemed overbold, but Arnold had agreed with Gerald to suggest a meeting in that location. Helga already hung out there on a regular basis. It was her 'office', a place where she could plot evil deeds with Phoebe when the secrecy of the girl's bathroom wasn't enough. Helga had taken Arnold there once before to tell him to go back to offering advice to the other kids when her own attempts at giving advice had led to disaster. It wasn't as if Arnold had planned anything nefarious there. He only meant to turn on the charm a little and if things went well, maybe even offer a kiss.
But Helga's look had informed him that things weren't going well. Arnold sat down on a sideways placed filing cabinet Helga used as her desk. He knew he waited in vain. His stomach growled and he lay down on the cold steel of the filing cabinet, wishing he had just gone to lunch instead of going through with this plan. After slicking down his hair and doing so many reckless things to try to get Helga's attention, he felt rather silly. Arnold was both glad and disappointed when the school bell rang again. Class was back in session. Like an iceberg, Arnold's heart sank lower and lower in his chest. All this work, his bold forward play with the notes, his willfully getting a detention- it was for nothing. Helga had never shown up. He sighed.
Arnold stopped by the boy's bathroom and inspected his face. He washed the gel out of his hair so that it became its usual untamed mass of rebellious locks. Then he shuffled into class. It was math, his best subject, so Arnold wasn't worried that he had missed half the session. He could always figure it out from the textbook later. It was entering the classroom late that worried him. Arnold stood at the door, the handle in his hand as he looked dismally in. Helga's calculating gaze caught his melancholy one. The moments stretched out, for neither one of the pair could stop their fascination with the look on one another's faces. Then, slowly, after about a minute, Arnold let the door handle fall free from his hand and he shuffled into his place at his desk. He propped a book up to cover his entire, shame-lit face.
On the balance, Arnold was very glad when school ended that day for multiple reasons. He only had detention to sit through last, and he wished desperately he had brought snacks with him. He had missed lunch and he was hungry. The last thing he expected was for the door to the detention classroom to slowly open and a peanut butter sandwich on a foam plate to appear on his desk. Arnold closed the book he was reading to reveal its giver.
"Helga?!" Arnold uttered as his jaw dropped. "What are you doing here? But I thought… You never showed up so…" His eyes rolled as he struggled to collect his thoughts.
"Of course I didn't show up!" said Helga rolling her own eyes at him. "Like I'd accept an invitation like that! No one tells Helga G. Pataki what to do!" Helga declared with frightening forcefulness. "Especially not in my office!" she scolded speaking of the janitor's closet. She jabbed a finger against Arnold's chest for especial emphasis.
"Now look here, Football-Face!" Helga breathed, calming her anger. "I don't know what is going on with you and Geraldo lately, but you two are acting weird. I'm here to tell you two buffoons to knock it off!"
"But Helga," said Arnold rolling his eyes back and forth as if seeking a way to escape the room… and Helga's wrath. "I thought you would be happy if I changed. You know, you hate it that I'm so well-behaved. A goody-two-shoes, remember? We thought that if I acted bad sometimes, you would like me a whole lot better." Helga's wrath fizzled out like a flame snuffed by a pail of ice. Her jaw dropped open.
"What?" Helga repeated in shock. "This is all about me, Football-Head? That's ridiculous! Me liking you if you were bad! What a foolish idea!" Helga swayed her head back and forth. She lifted her lean arms high on either side in a shrug.
"Look, here, Arnoldo, I'm only going to say this once so listen carefully! I rely on you to make the good decisions for both of us! You're like my moral conscious or something! Both of us can't be bad! Besides that your screwball reasoning is all wrong, Arnoldo! I admire you for, well, your strict moral conscious. Your benevolence and outright concern for the well-being of others. It's...well, just you. It's part of who you are. It takes a lot of courage to be that. The world is already full of bullies like me, Arnold. It doesn't need any more."
"You really think so?" said Arnold, a small smile sneaking across his face. In a way this was far better than if Helga had shown up to the janitor's closet.
"Yeah, I sure do," said Helga picking up his peanut butter sandwich and biting into it.
"Hey," said Arnold, his hands on his hips. "I thought that was for me!"
"Too slow, Football-Head," said Helga through a mouthful. "I got hungry. But you know what? Detention lets out in five minutes. But before you go, I've got a warning for you. If you pull a stunt like the one you pulled yesterday again, well," said Helga making a large fist with one of her hands. She shook it in the air not far from Arnold's chin.
"You get this. Get the picture? But if you're good, well, if you're lucky... I mean, really, really lucky, then you might get this," said Helga pulling back from Arnold a few steps. She curtsied and blew him a kiss. "Get the picture?"
"I'll behave! I'll be good!" Arnold promised quickly. Helga flashed him a wicked grin.
"Glad we could come to an understanding," Helga said stuffing the rest of Arnold's sandwich into her mouth. Arnold's stomach growled. But he smiled as Helga left with a saucy grin. Today hadn't turned out so bad after all!