Chapter 1

One Year Later

Harry sat in the conservatory, looking out as the gloomy little garden that decorated the St. Mungo's courtyard was pelted with English rain. It's no wonder that someone would want a Pepper-Up potion in such conditions; what he wouldn't give for one of those.

He sighed, stood and started walking down the endless halls, having nothing better to do but wander aimlessly for the next hour before his appointment. He could go visit Ron, however, one of the Weasleys was probably in his room, watching over him. The large family had been taking turns watching him, talking to him, hoping for any signs of waking when visitor hours allowed. That meant that if he wanted to visit his unconscious friend, he would have to be seen by one of the ginger-haired man's family members.

It wasn't that Harry was angry with the Weasleys…it was just…hard. He hadn't been able to bring himself to approach them since he was sent here. It was too hard, knowing what he had done.

"I'll give you a choice Harry," he had sneered as the brunette had refused to meet his red eyes. "You may leave, safe and sound…with one of them."

Harry had looked up at Voldemort astonished. "I won't be leaving either behind."

The two Death Eaters that held up Ginny moved her roughly. Her cry of delirious pain made Ron sob as the rest of the Death Eaters chuckled. Harry hadn't been able to count them all, but there were at least a hundred. They were grossly outnumbered, and it was due to Harry's and Ron's inability to protect their minds from legilimency during the rescue mission to get Ginny back. They were told not to go, but the Order was moving much too slowly for Harry and Ron's liking, so they took the mission on themselves…without telling anyone.

"Please, Harry, take her and go."

"Ron, I'm not leaving you," Harry had said.

"Please, mate, you've got to get her out of here."

"I'd listen to him Harry, my offer will not be on the table much longer. You could take the girl, get her back to the Order. They can patch her up…mostly. I'm sure she'll have…internal damage for a while…" as Voldemort said this, one of the men holding Ginny roughly groped her groin. She screamed in her half-lucidness as many Death Eaters laughed, and Harry felt his stomach drop.

"God, Harry please. Please take Ginny and go."

"I can't just leave you with them Ron, they'll kill you…"

"I'll count to ten, and you had better approach one of them and apparate out, or I will kill all three in the slowest way possible. I'll end with you, Harry, so you can know their deaths were your fault. Save one, sacrifice the other."

"You can't make me choose this!"

"Ten."

"HARRY! Take Ginny…" further pleads were interrupted as one of the men holding Ron punched him viciously in the nose.

"Nine."

"Go on, Potter," one of the Death Eaters said. "The Dark Lord won't be so generous…"

"Eight."

"You can't ask me to choose which of my friends to kill!"

"Harry! Take Ginny, get her out of here, NOW!"

"Seven."

Harry crumpled down on the floor, not knowing what to do. He put his head in his arms and shook, wishing he had just a little more time.

"You could take the boy, Potter. He's healthy, think of all the secrets he could tell us through torture. We've gotten all…" the one to the left of Ron started saying.

"Six," Voldemort continued to count.

"GINNY!" Ron screamed over his captors voice as it continued.

"…the information we can out of this one. Her body's broken, as is her mind. Death would be humane…"

Ginny cried out as one of the Death Eaters wrenched her head back by pulling her hair and kissed her roughly.

"Five."

Harry looked up at Ron, tears streaming down his cheeks. "You can't make me choose between you, Ron."

"I'm making your choice for you. Get my sister out of here, Harry."

"Four."

"I can't just leave you."

"Three."

"Harry please! I'll be alright; you'll get me out after. Ginny is so hurt, she needs healing now."

"Two."

"FUCK YOU, HARRY POTTER, YOU'RE KILLING GINNY! YOU'RE KILLING MY BABY SISTER!"

Something snapped in Harry, and faster than lightening, Harry dove for Ginny's captors. They released her to drop as Harry lunged. And as Voldemort's lips formed the word "One" Harry dissapparated out, with Ginny in his arms.

Once they apparated to safety, Harry had dropped to the ground, holding Ginny close although she cried out in pain. Several aurors rushed to the two, and started working on Ginny immediately. Molly and Arthur were sprinting to the scene.

"Harry…" Tonks had started.

"They've got Ron, I've got to get him out of there," he said frantically, and stood to apparate out, but he could feel the block Voldemort had resurrected. "FUCK!" He started sprinting for the warehouse they had all been in, two miles away, when he was struck with a vision, and collapsed to the ground.

Tonks and Remus rushed to his side and held him as he screamed out in pain, trying to attack his scar. Remus held Harry's hands down, least he hurt himself, and they waited for the vision to subside. Harry laid there panting for a few minutes.

"How many, Harry?" Remus asked.

"At least a hundred." Remus looked at Tonks and she nodded, sending a bright purple flare into the sky. It only took a few seconds before the air around them resounded in the hundreds of CRACKs as Order members apparated to their sides.

"Ronald Weasley is being held captive in the warehouse. There are at least a hundred Death Eaters…" Tonks started.

"And Voldemort," Harry croaked.

"And Voldemort in that building. Get Ronald out as quickly and painlessly as possible. Don't bother with arrests, we're outnumbered, three to one. We've just got to get him out, now!"

The Order members started running down the embankment, and Harry pushed Tonks and Remus off him, sprinting as fast as he could. Voldemort had shown him his intentions for Ron, and he already lost Hermione. He'd be damned if he was going to lose another friend.

By the time Harry got down there the night air was aflame with colored lights of hexes and curses and defensive spells. Harry ran past it all, into the warehouse, ducking the curses that he could, and not throwing any. Not yet, he had to get Ron first. He couldn't see anything in the warehouse, it was mostly empty and now dark. Using a pole for cover, he closed his eyes and focused. Where was Ron? He let all the noise of apparition and disapparation, curses and spells yelled, and cries for help and warning all disappear in white noise. Where was Ron??

And then he heard it, from high above. Snapping his eyes open, he looked up and saw Ron struggling with four Death Eaters high above on the catwalk. Harry launched himself to the side of the building where the steps were. By the time he got up there, Ron was fighting savagely with the four men. "HARRY!"

Harry shot a stunning spell at one, and as he rushed the group, he pushed the stunned Death Eater over the side. As he landed, he made a very sickening thud, not that any above noticed as they shouted and fought.

Ron was able to push one over the side, although he had caught himself on the beams, before he reached the ground, and was desperately tying to hold himself up. Harry physically attacked another, grabbing his head and slamming it on the metal catwalk several times before the man stopped moving, blood oozing down the metal and dripping down to the ground. He had just turned to see how Ron was doing, and before he could even yell a warning, the two men wrestling lost their balance and fell over the side. Harry rushed to try and reach Ron, but before he could even look over the side he heard the thud and crack of bodies. "NO!!"

Harry sprinted to the end of the catwalk and down, skipping sometimes five steps at a time, to the ground rushing to Ron's side. He had cursed under his breath as he checked for a pulse and breathing. Harry had sighed in relief as he found a pulse, and while shallow, could see the ginger-man breathing.

Bent over his friend, thanking every magical being he could think of, Harry had heard a grunting coming from above, and had turned quickly to identify the source. Harry had watched as the Death Eater was frantically trying to get his footing on a nearby rafter while hanging from the catwalk. Molly, Tonks, and Remus had arrive just in time to see a blinding green light leave the tip of Harry's wand and strike the Death Eater in the back.

And while it had been the first Unforgivable the brunette had used, it would not be the last he had used in the war.

Harry was interrupted from his thoughts as a familiar voice called out to him from around the corner. "Hey Harry, whatcha doing this far from your ward?"

Harry smiled at Neville. "I don't know, thought you could use the company I guess!"

Neville laughed. "You didn't even know if I would be sane today."

"Well, I guess I just hope for the best. If you're not I can always walk back. Exercise is good for the legs," Harry joked.

Neville was in a special ward created for long term effects from Unforgivables. Much like his parents, he had suffered long spans of time under the Cruciatus curse, however, not as long to make his mind completely snap. He had several points of lucidity, even to the point you wouldn't think he was suffering under any long term effects. It was when Harry would visit and Neville just stared blankly ahead no matter the stimulation that gave any indication that the man wasn't well.

"So, are you still on the JinxNix potion?" Harry asked.

"No, they started me on a new one yesterday. Very experimental. I'm pretty much their guinea pig, not that I mind. I've only had one episode today, so I think we're making progress." Neville had volunteered himself to the research of curing the long term effects of prolonged Cruciatus. He was at an advantage to the staff, having undergone the curse long enough to slip into many of the same symptoms, yet not so long that he couldn't, eventually, pull himself out and help in the research of the strange side effects. For the year that Harry had been here, Neville had been given a plethora of potions and herbs, lending some suggestions in the way of herbology and theory, and documented the effects of each. So far, while there had been some progress made to how deep the episodes would go, nothing had decreased their number, until now.

"Wow, that's great Neville. Should all turn out well, you'll be helping a lot of people." Neville nodded. There were about 70 people alone that had the same effects from the Cruciatus curse in St. Mungo's. It would truly be a magical and medical breakthrough for the Hospital and the wizarding society if a cure could be found.

"Are you meeting with Dr. Lathrop today?" Neville asked.

Harry nodded. "We're going over my progress so far, and the game plan for the rest of my time here. If everything goes well, I should be able to be released in four months."

"That's great. You're certainly looking better, if a bit melancholy. Have you had any want to relapse?"

Harry shrugged. "Yeah, the want is there. I want the Pepper-up to make me happy when I don't feel it, and I want the Dreamless Sleep so I can know I won't have any nightmares when I close my eyes. It's the mentality of the addiction. I'll always want it, but I realize that I don't NEED it anymore." Neville nodded. Harry glanced at the clock. He had five minutes to make his way down to Dr. Lathrop's office before his appointment. "Well, I better get going. Let's hope for an episode free day tomorrow, huh?"

"Merlin do I wish!" Neville responded with a smile and waved his friend goodbye.

As Harry made his way down, he passed by several wards that housed his friends and acquaintances. He waved cheerily to Susan Bones as she did her physical therapy. Her legs had been paralyzed by an altered Petrificus Totalis hex, and the doctors told her family she would probably never walk. But every day for a year Susan had gone through eight hours of grueling physical therapy, and while she still couldn't feel her feet, she was able to move her legs, and walk with the bars, which was incredible progress.

He passed one ward that helped several people he knew. Most of the residents of this ward weren't actually residents, instead able to go home and function in normal society. Like Colin Crevy. He was here because he had suffered some brain damage from the war that mad his stutter horribly. This ward mostly helped those with non-severe symptoms of such damage such as speech impediments and learning disabilities caused by curses.

Blaise Zabini was with some fellow peers in the mental ward, which Harry passed, before finally coming to Dr. Lathrop's office. Most of the people in that ward would never recover; the war had broken their brains. Blaise was found to be a spy for the Light side near the end, and what he had to go through to prove his worthiness as a Death Eater made even Harry's stomach churn. They had found, near the end, that there were several factions of Death Eaters, three to be exact. They called them the rings. The outer ring was nothing more than purebloods who didn't believe in mixing their blood societies with muggles. Sure they were a nuisance, but this ring didn't believe they needed to be killed or tortured. Many of the Order's spys weren't able to get any further than this ring. The middle ring was nothing but brutes who took their pleasure in torturing muggles for the sheer enjoyment of torture. Blaise had penetrated this ring and the deeds that he had to carry out while there came back to him in dreamless nightmares that left him screaming. They were savages to rival any Nazi internment camp in their cruelty. And the inner ring was Voldemort's sanctum. Those most loyal. There was only one spy that had gotten that far, and that was Severus Snape. The inner sanctum held the truly mad of the bunch; those that felt that the muggles were a true threat to their society.

Harry shook his head. Just four more months, and he should be out, if all went according to plan. He knocked on the door, and a familiar feminine voice bid him entrance.

"How are we doing today, Mr. Potter?" Dr. Lathrop asked.

"Well enough."

"How was last night? Any dreams."

Harry sat in the chair in front of her desk. "Of course. I don't know how to make them go away. I have them every night."

"And which did you dream about last night?"

"Ginny."

Dr. Lathrop nodded and took down some notes. "Well, it's been three months since you last asked for a Dreamless Sleep potion. That's good progress, despite the lack of decrease in the number of nightmares you have."

"It's funny, you know, because I know I am going to have them, and I don't want to have them, and the Dreamless Sleep will allow me to not have them, but I also remember how I was just before I came to the hospital. I was like a zombie."

"Dreams are what the mind uses to exercise itself when asleep. It helps the brain process feeling and emotions and experiences from previous days, and to deny yourself that is like denying your brain its need to heal."

Harry nodded. "I understand that now. I'd like the dreams to stop, but in a way I feel more…human because I have them."

"Have you ever thought that it might be underlying guilt that is causing you to relive those specific moments?"

"Well, yeah. It's my fault they're like they are."

"Harry. It was not your fault that Ronald Weasley is in a coma. And it's not your fault that Ginny Weasley died."

"But if I hadn't left Ron, he would have never fallen. And Ginny…" Harry dropped his head, "Ginny was my fault because I couldn't pay attention. I was fully capable of moving away from that curse, and I wasn't paying attention."

Dr. Lathrop sighed. This was how these sessions happened normally. Harry was a constant guilt machine. And she knew that he wasn't going to like her next suggestion.

"I've detailed exercises I want you to do for the next three months. We'll talk about your progress each week. You will have to undergo a final test before I will sign the papers to release you, and you're not going to like it."

"What do I have to do?"

"You will have to talk with the Weasleys."

Harry stared at Dr. Lathrop for a long long time before saying, "I can't do that."

"Then you'll never leave. Harry, do the exercises for the next three months, it will help you get comfortable with the idea. But I won't let you leave this hospital unless you are able to have a conversation with the Weasleys. You have a lot of unnecessary guilt on your conscience, and I think they're the only ones who are going to alleviate that."

"You don't understand. I can't talk to them. And I need out of here, please. I've got to find Hermione and Sirius…."

"I understand Harry, however, I won't let you leave this facility until you've dealt with that guilt. You've made excellent progress with the Sleepless Dream potion, but your attitude only suggests that you will go BACK onto your addiction to Pepper-Up potion when things get a bit too heavy. You have to let things go. How many Peppers did you have before you were admitted to the hospital."

"About twenty a day," Harry murmured.

"Exactly, and you're going to have to find another outlet for your depression. Your mood is still very melancholy."

"I'm locked up in a freaking prison, Helen! Everywhere I turn there are people who have suffered because of Voldemort, because I wasn't able to stop him in…"

"You stopped him when you were good and ready to stop him," she interrupted. "Had you attempted ANY sooner, you would have been destroyed. People got hurt, it's unfortunate, but it's NOT your fault. Look around you, Mr. Potter. There are miracles of hope everywhere you look. People are here, but they're getting better, and they're going to be stronger because of it."

Silence drew between them.

"Do the activities I have laid out for you. You have three months to think about what you are going to say to the Weasleys. If you can't pass this obstacle, Harry, you might never leave St. Mungo's."

By the time Harry left the office, it was ten o'clock in the evening. Visiting hours for public and family were over. Harry made his way down the halls to the intensive care units, knocking on a familiar door, and entering immediately, knowing he would not get an answer.

Harry sat beside Ron's bed and watched as he slept. Except it wasn't sleep. It was a coma; you don't sleep in a coma. He had been unconscious for a year now. The doctors said the longer you're under, the less chance there was of waking up. There were very very very few cases of people waking up after a year. The doctors had approached the Weasleys several times about terminating life support, and Harry was very glad they never gave in. Once he found Hermione, she'd know what to do.

Harry took Ron's hand into his own, and bent down to place his forehead over their hands. "I wish you'd wake up, mate. You have no idea what you're missing. Today Michael had one of his episodes and started throwing jelly beans at all the patients in his ward. One got stuck up Allison's nose…you would have laughed your ass off. I did.

"I can't do it, ya know? Molly and Arthur have been the closest I have ever been to having parents of my own. I knew you never minded sharing. There's nothing I can say to make this OK. To make Ginny OK. And although I am plagued by nightmares of what happened to you two, I also have nice fantasies of Molly and Arthur forgiving me for it. When I talk to them and it doesn't happen, I know that those fantasies are just that. Right now I can think them real, even though that's delusional. I'd rather have my dreams than the harsh reality."

Harry looked at Ron's face and sighed. He hadn't stirred in a year. Harry was starting to believe the doctors. Even if he could find Hermione, he was starting to doubt that there was anything he could do.

Man, he would give anything for a Pepper-Up potion right now…

A/N: Oooo! Chapter 1!! Let me know what you think. A warning to everyone, this story has some pretty dark and graphic moments, but it has some light and fluffy as well, worry not! Chapter 2 will have another flashback with some pretty heart wrenching graphic gore(ish) stuff, just to warn you. The first few chapters are going to be somewhat angst/guilt ridden.