Author's Note: Disclaimer still applies. Disclaimer ALWAYS applies. ;)

Chapter VII

After a power nap and two hours of trying to catch up with the paperwork that had accumulated while she was on leave, Addison was starting to go crazy. She was a woman of action, she liked being in the midst of things, and she was in the business of saving lives. Having to do charts was not her idea of fun. Still, she was under strict orders to take it easy, and apparently no mothers-to-be needed any help from her today. She sighed, pushing the charts away for a moment, taking off her glasses and massaging the bridge of her nose.

Maybe she had come back to the hospital too early…

She was sure Mark would have admonished her, telling her she had to take it slow and rest and not do anything she didn't feel ready to do. Yet, what was she supposed to do? Stay at her new place all day? Just stay there and be alone and spend all day wondering how was she supposed to even breathe without Mark around? Was she supposed to start figuring out what she was going to tell Matt when he asked why he didn't have a daddy?

'No,' she thought to herself, 'don't do this, Addison. Don't do this. You're holding it together, everything's going fine, you can keep going…'

"Addison?" She was startled when her thoughts were interrupted. She looked up and was faced with Miranda Bailey. She was glad to see her friend after such a long time. Even before she and Mark had gotten back together, Miranda had been there for her, trying to help her figure out her messy life. Miranda had been adamant that Mark Sloan couldn't possibly be the man for Addison, and Mark had had to grovel to get Bailey's blessing of their relationship, a condition Addison had found too much fun not to uphold. But at the end, Miranda had been a bridesmaid at their wedding and Addison had even begun discussing with Mark the possibility that Bailey could be Matthew's godmother.

"Hey, Miranda!" she greeted her excitedly, motioning for Bailey to take the seat in front of her. She was happy to have a distraction from her own thoughts.

"So, you finally decided to show up. And you remember my name, that's good to know." Addison could tell Miranda was rather upset at her disappearing act and was even a little bit hurt that Addison hadn't felt she could turn to her. Still, Addison didn't know how to apologize when she didn't even feel ready to grieve for her husband.

"I just… I'm sorry…"

"That's okay, Addison. You needed your time to get your head back on your shoulders, and I'm guessing you did considering you're here."

"Sort of. It's hard, but I'm doing my best." Miranda gave her a curt nod. Addison was once again grateful for her friends, knowing they were still trying to let her have some space. She knew they would be there to hold her when she finally broke down, but for know, they were giving her the only thing she could handle: their presence.

"So, how does it feel to be back?"

"Weird. But I'm getting back into the rhythm. And truth be told, I'm a little bit miffed about the fact that I'm not as needed as I thought I was, Stevens did a wonderful job in my absence."

"She was scared out of her mind about disappointing you."

"Well, she didn't. I'm actually quite impressed; she shows a lot of promise."

"Well, that's good. Means you can take some time to yourself from time to time and know that the world won't come tumbling down."

"I know, I know! I'm taking it is as easy as I possibly can, I promise."

"Good. Now, spill your guts."

"Pardon?"

"Oh, you're not fooling anyone. My spies tell me you drove to the hospital today with Shepherd."

"Oh come on, Miranda!" Addison laughed it off, figuring the nurses had seen them together and that the rumor mill was probably running like crazy on their behalf.

"Don't 'Miranda' me! Spill, woman!"

"Alright." Addison sighed, "As you well know, he came to check on me yesterday. We went out, had fun, he was really sweet and then he took me back home. Then, apparently, I fell asleep; he tucked me in and crashed in my couch so that he could drive me to the hospital on my first day back."

"That's it?"

"That's it! Miranda! He's with Meredith now; do you really think that I would…?"

"No, I don't. But a while ago I witnessed a rather heated argument between Derek and Grey, so I couldn't help but wonder what the hell was going on."

"They argued?" Addison asked worriedly. I told Derek this would happen…

"Yeah, and your name was heard a couple of times too."

"Oh God!" she muttered, putting her face in her hands.

"What's going on, Addison?"

"Nothing!" she claimed, gaining only an arched eyebrow from Bailey.

"I'm not saying you're shacking up with your ex-husband, I know better than that. But something has clearly happened, and since you're going to come to me whining about it eventually…"

"I do not whine!"

"… making my ears bleed!" Bailey continued, ignoring Addison's defense, "We're supposed to be friends, Addison!"

"Fine, fine!" Addison gave in, knowing this was not an argument she was about to win, "The thing is, Derek and I got to talking and he wants to help me out with the baby."

"Help you out?" Miranda asked worriedly.

"Not as in replacing Mark." Addison closed her eyes, laying her hand protectively over her stomach. "Nobody could," she whispered, opening her eyes again, "Before Mark… before he… before the accident, he and Derek were starting to get along and I think they were starting to become friends again. And Derek and I were making amends too. You have to understand, Miranda, the three of us were a family back in New York. He wants to help out because this is Mark's baby and Mark can't do it himself now."

"Are you considering… Addison, are you considering getting back together?" Bailey asked seriously.

"What? No! Miranda… I wake up at night and roll over to the other side of the bed, thinking Mark is still there. I'm not even thinking about a relationship right now. And Derek is with Meredith, and I respect that."

"Okay, sorry, I just had to ask. So, Derek wants to help?"

"Yeah, you know, if I need a hand or anything, which was really sweet of him. Only thing, he's not single, and I didn't want to cause problems between him and Meredith. Guess that ship has sailed."

"Guess so."

"Damnit. I need to talk to him, let him off the hook."

"Does he want to be let off the hook?"

"That doesn't matter. I'm not messing up his relationship."

"You won't. He's trying to be a good friend to you. Grey will understand."

"This is just not fair."

"No, life's not fair to anyone. But we deal with it and move on." Bailey offered Addison a smile before standing up and walking to the door. "Wanna go to Joe's after your shift?" she asked.

"Yeah." Addison smiled at her friend. A night out would be good.

"Hey," Derek greeted Addison happily as she left the hospital, Miranda Bailey by her side. He was at the door, waiting for Meredith so they could leave for the night.

"Derek, hi." Addison smiled nervously, causing Derek to wonder what was wrong. When they had talked in the morning, she hadn't seemed so on edge.

"McDreamy," Bailey greeted him coldly. He knew the woman liked him, deep down. He knew he could rely on Miranda Bailey whenever it counted. But he also knew that whenever Addison was thrown into the mix, all Bailey could see was him being a jerk to his wife. He didn't mind at all; it was good to know Addie had people to look out for her when he wasn't around. Also, by remembering the last days of their marriage he could keep in mind how much he had hurt her, and how much he didn't want to do it ever again.

"Hello, Doctor Bailey. Going to Joe's?"

"That's right. Ready to go, Addison?"

"Actually…" Derek didn't miss Addison's worried glance at Bailey and the shorter woman's sigh.

"I'll order you a ginger ale. I expect you to be drinking it in less than ten minutes. Shepherd." Bailey gave him a nod and left towards Joe's. Derek couldn't help but laugh.

"She's really a Nazi, isn't she?"

"That she is." Addison smiled briefly before facing him again, her expression becoming serious. "We have a problem Derek."

"Do we?"

"Yeah, we do. With rules number one and four."

"I did tell Meredith."

"But it's still messing up your life."

"No it's not."

"You argued with her, Derek."

"But we already made up!"

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. I'm waiting for her so we can go home, actually."

"Promise?" she asked. Derek smiled, poking her nose.

"Promise. She didn't like it at first, and I don't think she likes it right now either. But she said she understood why we were doing this."

"I talked to her earlier," Addison confessed, and Derek couldn't help but worry. He hoped Meredith hadn't taken her anger at him out on Addison. Then again, he knew Meredith and Addison made a point of always being civil to each other, even friendly.

"Really?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah. She was really nice, understanding."

"That's good."

"Yeah, it's good, but it's not fair to her."

"Addison, we've been over this."

"Yes, we have. And not even a day into our agreement, you're already having problems with your girlfriend."

"We're not having problems. Look, Addison…it's complicated, I get that. But that doesn't mean we're doing anything wrong or that we're hurting people."

"But we are."

"No, we're not. Look." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second, before facing her again. He took her chin in his hand and smiled fondly at her. "We'll make it work, okay? Meredith already accepted this and with time…she'll get used to it, I promise. Don't freak out on me now, okay? We'll make it."

"Okay." She smiled shyly, "I'm going to blame the hormones on this, though."

"I figured you would." He smiled back before engulfing her in a hug.

"I love you," she muttered, unable to stop herself. Derek had been just perfect today; this was the Derek she remembered, the Derek she thought she had lost forever.

"I love you, too." he whispered, kissing her on the forehead before pulling away. He smiled at her again, "So…" he started.

"So?" she asked, amused.

"I talked to Roan again."

"Again? That must be some kind of record for you guys."

"Ha ha."

"What did Rory say?" Derek smiled to himself. Addison always called her brother Rory. He felt a more accurate description was the King of the Undead and Master of Hell, but out of consideration he usually just settled for Roan.

"A lot of unpleasant things. Bottom line, he wanted to know how you felt about family visits within the week."

"Rory wants to come?" she asked warily.

"More like he wants to see how you're doing. And meet Mattie over here," he added, softly caressing her stomach.

"I…" He could see Addison was having a hard time voicing her thoughts, so he decided to give her some help.

"Are you ready to see him? I told him I thought it could be too much at the moment…you can guess how that went down…"

"So you and Rory fought, I figured as much. I love him, Derek. He's my big brother and I love him but…I'm just not ready to let him take care of me yet. Because if I let him, I'll break, you know? And I can't break. Not yet." She whispered the last part.

"Do you want me to call him back?"

"No, that would probably end badly. I'll call Rory and let him know I appreciate his worry but that I'm not ready for big emotional visits yet. Thank you, though, for talking with him. He'll never admit it, but I'm sure he appreciated you taking the time to keep him posted."

"Oh yeah, right, he loves me."

"Shut up!" she laughed as she jokingly shoved him in the shoulder, "He's my brother!"

"Yeah, well, your brother is a pain!" he answered in kind, laughing.

"Shut up!" she said again.

"Hi, guys." Meredith Grey's voice interrupted their banter. The three of them stared at each other uncomfortably for a few moments. Derek figured this was a good sample of things to come between them. Awkwardness.

"Hey, sweetheart." he managed to say, giving Meredith a peck on the cheek. She accepted it with a smile before pulling away.

"So, what's up?"

"Actually," Derek was relieved when Addison took over; he was running out of ideas for the day. "I was just saying good night. Miranda is waiting for me at Joe's, and I'm pretty sure my ten minutes are up. See you guys tomorrow?"

"Sure. Good night, Addie." Derek smiled.

"Good night, Addison." Meredith said, placing her hand in Derek's. As Addison went to meet her friend at the bar, he stood there with Meredith, wishing that all the pieces of his life would fall back into place magically.

"This is not going to be easy," Meredith commented, turning to face him.

"No, but we'll be okay."

"Good."

"Good." He smiled back at her.

"So, you any good with kids?" she asked teasingly.

"I'm great with kids. My nephews and nieces love me."

"What's not to love?"

"Exactly," he answered, smiling.

"You are a good uncle to them; you're going to be a great uncle to Addison's baby."

"That's what I'm hoping."

"Maybe that's a good thing." She smiled lovingly at him. "Then I'll see how great you'll be with our kids." Meredith kissed him on the cheek and started towards his car, never noticing the look on his face.

He knew it wasn't fair and that it wasn't her fault; she didn't know. But still, the comment had felt like a slap in the face.

"Derek, please calm down!" Addison was crying, trying to get him to stop throwing things at the wall. So far, her favorite vase, most of their music collection, and their medical journals had taken the brunt of his rage. Still, he was nowhere near ready to stop, even though he knew he was scaring his wife of three years.

"It's just not fucking fair!" he screamed, this time throwing a lamp at the wall, not listening as Addison yelled in fear.

"I know! I know! But please, Derek, you have to stop!"

"Why?!" he asked, tears streaming down his face as he stood in the middle of the room, seeing nothing, not daring to look into Addison's eyes.

"Because… because… you're scaring me, Derek. Please stop?" she asked in a small voice, breaking his heart. He loved her with all his heart, and all he was doing was scaring her, hurting her, and he couldn't seem to find a way to stop.

"Okay," he whispered. "Okay."

They stood there in silence. All that could be heard were Addison's slowing sobs and her deep, shaky breaths as she tried to calm herself down. At that point, Derek wasn't even sure he was breathing anymore.

"What now?" she asked a few minutes later. Derek could still hear the fear present in her voice. He laughed bitterly at her question, having no idea how to answer it. There was nothing they could do; there was no way to fix what was wrong, so why bother? What now? Nothing.

Nothing at all.

"Damned if I know. I need a beer." Derek walked slowly to the kitchen, Addison following him, without making any noise. He offered a bottle, but she refused, settling for hugging herself, tears still streaming down her face. She walked slowly to one of the stools and sat down, her arms still around her body protectively. Derek slid down onto their kitchen floor, nursing his beer. Never had a silence between them felt this painful, and Derek knew it was mostly because of him, but he had never been good dealing with crisis. His first reaction would have been to run away, but right no, there was no place he could run where he would be able to hide from himself.

"I love you, Derek. I need you to know that I love you," Addison whispered, finally facing her husband, who was still looking away.

"I know. I love you too, Addie. But that doesn't seem to be helping us at all right now."

Silence again. He just hated the silence.

"There are other ways, Derek. There are other things we could try…"

"Stop it…"

"We could adopt…"

"Stop, please."

"Or we could seek some treatment, do some research…"

"Addison…"

"There are other ways to start a family…"

"STOP!" He hadn't meant to scream at her. He didn't even mean to throw his beer at the wall, continuing his path toward the destruction of their home. He just couldn't listen anymore, he couldn't listen to her list of 'things they could do,' when the simple and painful truth was that they would never be able to have a child together, no matter how much both of them wanted to.

"I'm sorry," She whispered.

"Me too. I'm so sorry, Addison." He couldn't help the tears that came streaming down his cheeks.

"We're still Addison and Derek. We still love each other. We'll make it through this, Derek. We always do."

"It's just not fair."

"I know."

"Guys?" Mark's voice came through the living room. Both of them had forgotten that they had made plans with him for the evening. "Addie? Derek? Are you guys in here?!" he asked, his voice sounding a little more desperate. Clearly, he had stepped through the chaos that was their living room and was wondering about the well-being of his best friends. Still, neither of them had the strength or the heart to call out to him and let him know that they were both fine.

At least, physically.

"Derek?! Addison?!" Finally, Mark stumbled into their kitchen, "Damn it, what the hell happened to your place? And why didn't you answer? I was…" Mark trailed off and Derek guessed that he was just noticing their expressions.

They had being watching a movie when they got the call. He had been in a pair of jeans and an old sweatshirt he liked to wear whenever he and Mark went jogging. Addison had just gotten out of the bathtub, and she had opted for one of Derek's t-shirts instead of her bathrobe. Derek had convinced her to lie in the couch with him to watch some awful horror movie, and they had being having fun, as a couple, just hanging out together.

Then, they had gotten the call.

"What's going on?" Mark's voice interrupted Derek's thoughts. His best friend was standing by his wife's side, noticing the tears pooling again in her eyes. Mark had always acted the part of a jerk, and though he loved tormenting Addison, Derek knew he secretly loved the new addition to their little duo. Addison and Mark played off each other's qualities in the same way that Derek and Mark did, and if nothing else, there was nothing Mark liked more than a girl with spunk. Now, Mark was slowly rubbing circles on Addison's back with one hand, the other pushing strands of red hair behind her ears. "Derek?"

"Go away, Mark." He felt guilty at the flash of hurt that crossed Mark's eyes, but at this point he wasn't ready to face his best friend.

"No. I'm not going anywhere until one of you tells me what the hell is going on. This place looks like a hurricane came through. You're crying, Derek! Addie is crying! What on earth happened here?" Derek heard Addison choke as her tears began to fall faster. She tried to move past Mark, but he wouldn't let her. He had always been good at knowing when not to leave Addison alone, so he held onto her as she tried and failed to fight him off. Finally, she took another unsteady breath fell into his arms, crying quietly. "Derek?" Mark asked again, pleading with his brother-in-spirit to tell him what had reduced his favorite couple to this state.

"Fine. Remember the tests we took?" Derek waited for Mark to remember the tests he was talking about. "Well, Doctor Hanson called with the results today." He could read the realization in Mark's eyes, finally understanding what had happened. Derek didn't even tried to fight the tears this time as he finished his sentence, "Turns out, you're not going to get to be an uncle after all."

That was it.

He had finally said it.

He and Addison would never be able to have kids, at least not together.

And it was killing him inside.

Derek looked back to Mark, who was holding even tighter to Addison, tears forming in his eyes as well. Mark knew how much he and Addie had wanted to have a baby. They had being trying for over a year now, and when nothing happened, they had started to wonder if maybe something was wrong. At first, they couldn't believe that something could be really wrong, but they had done the responsible thing and taken the tests anyway. They were doctors, after all! This is what they had to do in a situation like this.

And as it turns out, there had been a reason they hadn't managed to get pregnant.

"Man, I'm sorry," Mark whispered, looking straight at Derek, who just nodded, knowing his heartache was sincere. "Add?" he managed to make Addison lift her eyes and face him, "Honey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"We know," Derek answered. They were all sorry, but that didn't change the facts.

"And there is nothing…" Mark began to ask, refusing to believe his friends were really going through this.

"No. There's nothing to do, Mark," Derek answered solemnly, taking a steady breath to say what he had not wanted to admit at all. "I'm infertile."