DISCLAIMER: Nothing's mine. Don't you all just love saying that? With no further delay, this is Chapter the Ninth. Enjoy
A
Chapter IX
Miranda Bailey was having a horrible day.
She had known it was going to be a bad day when her clock alarm had failed to go off, when her husband had presented her with the worst cup of coffee ever for breakfast, and when she found out that her son had retrieved her lipstick from her purse and had proceeded to draw her his best painting so far on her bathroom wall.
Compared to what was happening around her right now, though, her morning had been great.
It was bad enough to have to watch as the paramedics brought children, into the ER after a gang fight. She had to face the fact that some of these kids would probably not make it through the day because they had engaged in an act of violence that had no reasonable explanation. She had to try her best and work to save as many of them as she could, and then they would probably go back to the streets and try to kill each other again.
And that wasn't even the worse of it.
She had sent resident Alex Karev to receive one of the rigs, bearing a sixteen- year-old girl with multiple stab wounds to the face. He was just doing his job, trying to save a life, when one of the young gangsters had come to finish the job. Alex tried to fight him, which wasn't that hard, considering Karev was an ex-wrestler. Sadly, he never saw the second kid, coming towards him with a knife.
Bailey was working her hardest to contain Alex's bleeding; he had been stabbed three times in the back, and it was becoming increasingly apparent that there was a lot of internal damage.
Chief Webber himself had joined her, working on the now-unconscious young doctor. Alex Karev was one of their own, and they would do their best to keep him alive.
All Bailey could was pray that their best would be enough.
A
Addison stood by the doorway, watching Izzie Stevens sobbing quietly. George O'Malley was still holding her. Derek had had to attend to one of the kids, but given the situation, O'Malley had been allowed to stay with his shocked friend. After making sure none of the girls were pregnant and assuring herself that all the incoming patients were being taken care of, Addison had also opted to stay with Izzie.
She was aware of the long on-again, off-again relationship between Izzie and Alex Karev. She couldn't help but draw the parallels between the young doctors and her own life…sometimes Karev was so much like Mark that it scared her. He was brash and opinionated, and usually he came on a little too strong and seemed rude, but in truth he was quite compassionate. He was simply driven and knew what he wanted, just like Mark had.
And just as Mark had done to her, Alex had hurt Izzie more times than he cared to count, Addison was sure of that. Neither Mark nor Alex had had the benefit of a normal family environment; they didn't know how to be any better than they were for a long time. But she had seen Karev, as Mark before him, try to rectify the situation. And in the last months, he and Izzie had been inseparable.
Addison could see herself quite clearly in Izzie, too. She was a wonderful doctor and a good person, but Izzie tended to get too involved with her patients. She wanted to help and she truly did care, more so than was acceptable for a surgeon. Addison wanted to believe that through her years as a physician and more scolding from Richard that she wanted to remember she had gotten over her weaknesses.
But she knew better.
She still got too involved; she had simply learned to hide it better from her mentor.
But she had learned something, and she constantly had to remind herself that there was a line she couldn't cross. And she had done her best to teach Izzie where that line was, and that she could be a better surgeon without becoming any less of a person.
Seeing Izzie and Alex together, she couldn't help but think about herself and her husband, and she had wished the young couple the same happiness she had found with Mark.
And now, after becoming the man he had never imagined he could become, Alex Karev had been stabbed…
"Hey, Joe? Can I have another ginger ale?" Addison asked, motioning for the bartender's attention.
"Sure, sweetheart." Joe smiled before placing another glass in front of the queasy-looking doctor. "Are you all right?"
"No," she answered pitifully, closing her eyes and exhaling before taking a sip from her drink.
"Baby giving you grief?"
"Baby's so grounded after he's born, that's all I know," she muttered.
"Do you want me to call you a cab?" Joe offered.
"No, that's okay. Mark's on his way." She smiled a little to put Joe at ease. He smiled at her again before leaving. She stayed in her chair nursing her gingerale, wondering what was taking her husband so long. She was tired, she felt nauseous, and she wanted to go home! "I need some air…" she whispered, paying for her drinks. She walked slowly to the front door and walked through it, just in time to see an erratic car running over her husband before crushing him to the nearest wall.
"Izzie, you gotta calm down. Alex is going to be okay, you'll see." O'Malley was trying his best to soothe the blonde doctor. "The Chief and Bailey are in there with him now, okay? They're the best; Alex is going to be fine."
"How, George? How can he be fine, George?! HOW?!!! SOMEONE STABBED HIM!!! Oh, God…" Stevens continued crying, this time fighting off George's arms. He let her go, and she moved away from him a little, hugging her knees to herself.
"Izzie, try to breathe…" Addison whispered, faintly remembering Derek telling her the same thing right after the accident…
"I can't…" Stevens continued to cry.
"You have to," Addison insisted.
"I just… I just… don't understand!" Izzie whimpered, "He was fine one minute. and the next he's lying on the floor…!"
"Addison!" she heard someone calling her name, but she couldn't quite understand it. All she could concentrate on was the fact that her husband was lying unconscious in the remains that were left of the car that had run him over. She rushed to him, fighting through the crowd that had already begun to form around the accident.
"Mark! Mark!" she screamed, knowing that he was not going to answer. Still, it somehow made her feel better to be able to scream. Richard Webber reached her husband first and immediately started to bark orders. Addison tried desperately to throw herself at her husband's body, but she felt someone stopping her.
"Addison, calm down!" She heard the ridiculous command and wanted to laugh. How the hell could she calm down when her husband was bleeding out in front of her?
"Let me go, Derek!" she yelled, trying to break free from his arms, "Mark!"
"Addie, you need to stop fighting me."
"Then let me go! Oh, God, Mark! Mark!"
"Addison!"
"Derek!" Preston Burke came running towards them, stopping at the sight of Mark Sloan on the ground bleeding. Webber was already in the process of transferring Mark to a gurney, and Burke's distraction was all Addison needed to finally break Derek's embrace and run to her husband.
He was bleeding, badly. He had cuts all over his handsome face that he would hate to let any surgeon but himself fix, she thought. Both of his arms looked broken, and he was getting increasingly pale. She couldn't feel him breathing at all.
"Oh my God… Mark…" she whispered, brushing her hand softly over his forehead. He felt so cold. In the background she could hear Derek and Preston talking, something about the driver needing Derek's help.
The driver who had run over her husband.
Surgeon Addison Montgomety-Sloan was embarrassed that the thought that the driver deserved to die even crossed her mind. Addison Montgomery-Sloan, woman, wife, and mother-to-be, was about ready to go and finish the job herself.
"Addie?" Richard's soothing voice called to her, and she felt his hand on her shoulder. Tears were streaming down her face, but she could see her colleagues crowding around her, waiting to take Mark into the hospital.
"I love you, baby," she whispered, "I love you. I love you. I love you…"
"Addie…"
"Wake up, honey. Wake up, okay? I wanna go home."
"Addison."
"I wanna go home. Mark, please…" She was sobbing now, clinging to Mark's hand.
"Addison, they have to take him to surgery." This time it was Burke talking. She nodded slowly, taking the time to kiss his forehead.
"Addie…"
"You'll be with him, Richard?" she asked, not even turning.
"I will. I'll do my best, I promise. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Let's go." Webber nodded to the medical team as Addison finally let go of Mark's hand. She felt Burke take her in his arms the moment her mentor disappeared with her husband. She was so scared…
"Come on, let's take you to your office." She nodded, noting Izzie Stevens and Miranda Bailey standing nearby for the first time.
"I love him," was all she could muster.
"I know," Burke answered as her friends took her to her office.
"There's nothing to understand," Addison whispered, more to herself than anyone else. Still, she got the blonde doctor's attention, and Addison could feel Izzie's eyes acknowledging for the first time that Addison could understand better than anyone else what she was going through. "There's no reason and it's not fair, "Addison continued, "there's just nothing to understand." George was looking at her as if he didn't quite understand what she was saying. How could he? He had never loved and lost the same way she had. Izzie had gone through it once, with Denny, and now she was praying she wouldn't have to go through it all again.
"It makes no sense," Izzie offered.
"Yeah. But Izzie…" Addison tried to focus on the young intern and try to give her the only advice she could give, "Alex is not dead."
"You don't have to do this, Addison," Richard Webber said yet again as he walked by her side. She was shaking like a leaf and was afraid she was going to get sick again. Luckily, Richard walked at her right and Derek at her left, with Izzie, Miranda, Callie, and Preston walking behind them. She knew she should be thankful for the amazing support system she had managed to gain in Seattle. However, all she could think at the moment was that she would never be able to breathe again.
"I do. I have to. I won't believe it unless I do," she answered in a voice she couldn't recognize.
"Okay. We'll do it together, okay?" She turned to her left as she heard Derek's soft voice, and she was thankful to have his strong hand holding hers.
"But he still could die," Izzie answered, though her tears were finally starting to subside.
"It's a big difference, Izzie. He could die, but he could also live. He still has a chance."
His body had already been cleaned up. He looked as put-together as he could possibly be after having been run over. Clearly, her colleagues had wanted to make this as easy as possible. She knew they always did this for a patient's family: clean the body before he or she came in to see it. After so many years of practicing medicine, she realized for the first time that cleaning up the body didn't help at all. Sure, she was less likely to be shocked by his appearance than most patients would be, being a surgeon herself. But as clean and peaceful as this body was, it was still her dead husband's.
Dead.
Her husband was dead.
He would never kiss her again, never hold her and tell her that he loved her.
He would never meet their baby.
"I don't think I can do this. I don't think I can do this again." Izzie had a blank look on her face as she shook her head frantically.
"Izzie…" Addison started. George had long ago given up trying to be a part of the conversation. It was apparent that only Addison could give Izzie the support she needed at the moment.
"No! I can't! I already lost the man I loved! I lost Denny! And Alex… he is nothing like Denny! He's strong and healthy and a surgeon!"
"I know, Izzie."
"I already lost Denny, but Denny was sick! Alex is not… Alex was never like Denny. So… how come? HOW COME I'M LOSING ALEX TOO?!"
After what had happened with Derek…hell, after what had happened with Mark himself, she had thought she would never be in this position again. She though she was through losing the men she loved. Derek to Meredith, Mark to his bachelordom…and now… now she was alone again.
She had lost Mark
And this time it was for good.
Mark was dead.
She walked slowly towards his body, placing her hand on his broad chest, hoping against hope that he would open his eyes.
"Mark…" she whispered.
"You are not losing him, Izzie. Alex isn't gone yet."
"But he could be!"
"You have to believe it's going to be okay. You have to believe you're strong enough to get through this. Because if you don't believe it…then you won't be able to survive this."
"Survive Alex?"
"No. Survive for Alex." Addison inhaled deeply before continuing. "There's a chance Alex is going to be all right, and you've gotta cling to that hope. And you have to be ready to be there for him. To help him and support him through recovery."
"You really believe he's going to be all right?" Izzie asked, desperation clear in her eyes.
"I do. I believe that he'll fight his best for you, and I believe that whatever happens next, you'll find a way to be okay."
"Mark," she called again, her hand still on top of his chest. She felt a tear rolling down her cheek, impressive considering that she had being crying hysterically for hours now.
He was so handsome. He had the most beautiful smile in the world. His huge surgeon hands had always felt so soft on her skin, like he was afraid to break her. His voice was deep, sexy and coming straight from his soul. He was a jerk to the world, and sometimes even to her, but he was amazing. He loved her.
And God, she loved him so much.
And he wasn't breathing. His body was cold, and his eyes were closed.
He was gone.
"Oh my God, Mark." She lay her head on top of his chest, near her hand. "Baby, I can't believe…I can't believe after everything we went through…this is it, right? This is how it ends." She lifted her head and looked into his face, moving her hand to caress his cheek gently.
"I hated you," she continued. She knew Derek was in the room, even though trying to give her some space, but she had to say good-bye to her husband and she knew she wasn't going to have another chance. "The first time we met? I hated you. I thought you were Derek's annoying friend. I thought you were too full of yourself. I thought you were egotistical and childish and a man-whore. I thought you were bad news and that any woman stupid enough to fall for you would end up with a broken heart. And I was SO right." She smiled sadly. "You were all of those bad things… I never imagined I would end up falling for those things. And you did break my heart, Mark. You did. But you put it back together and all the things that I hated about you were the things I loved later on. I honestly thought we had at least twenty or thirty years before we had to say good-bye. I don't want to say good-bye. I don't want to be a widow, I want to be your wife." The tears were coming again, but at this point, she was past caring.
"I have to move on, Mark. I don't want to, but I have to do it. Fast. Because we have a baby on the way. I need to be strong and move on because I have to take care of our baby now. I'm going to do it," she choked while promising him, "I'm going to do it. I love you so much, and right now, our baby is all that I have from you. So I'm going to be okay, because I have to. I'm going to miss you for the rest of my life, Mark. But I'm going to give birth to our baby and raise him or her in a home full of love. And he or she is going to know everything about you. Our child will know you were his daddy and that you loved him. He'll know we picked names and that you bought that insanely huge teddy bear and that you promised to love us until your last breath, and you did. I love you so much, Mark, but I have to let you go now. I can't grieve and I can't be hung up on you anymore, because I'm all our baby has left. But you know how much I love you and you know you'll always be in my head and in my heart, babe. I love you. I love you." Addison continued whispering her love for Mark as she leaned over and planted a soft kiss on his lips. The kiss was sweet and slow and sad. It was their last kiss. Once she was done, she caressed his cheek one last time, smiling at the stubble he always managed to keep. She turned slowly and immediately felt Derek's arms surrounding her. She rested her head on his shoulder.
"It's okay," she whispered. "I have to be okay. I have to."
"You'll just find a way to be okay, Izzie. I promise."
"Is that what you're doing?" Izzie finally asked, and the look in her eyes managed to scare even Addison a bit. "You found a way to be okay after Doctor Sloan died?"
"Izzie!" George exclaimed. Addison just looked at the young resident, knowing that the question was not meant to hurt her. It was a desperate question from someone trying not to drown.
"I already had something… I already had a way to be okay," she answered, caressing her abdomen.
"A reason to keep going?" Izzie asked.
"The only reason to keep going."
"What do I have? If I lose Alex, what do I have?"
"You won't…"
"What do I have, Addison?!" Izzie demanded.
"You have Alex. The Alex who was a jerk to the world but a prince to you. The Alex who would hold you and kiss you and be the most important person in your life. The Alex no one else knew. So you have to keep breathing, you have to survive, if only so that the Alex only you knew will still be alive."
"Then why do you never talk about Mark?" The question was simple and fair enough. She knew people noticed that she never talked about Mark, but she was pretty sure none of them knew why. Mark was always in her mind, every second of every day, and she could barely keep it together as it was. She was afraid of what would happen if she actually talked about him.
But maybe everyone was right.
Maybe she was supposed to break down if her husband had died.
"I…"
"I'm sorry…" Izzie started, noticing the stricken look on her mentor's face.
"No. No… you're right. I don't… I don't talk about… him. And what happened. I'm afraid if I do I won't be able to keep going."
"Do you think about him?"
"Always."
"I love Alex."
"I know."
"I want to be able to think about him. To talk about him."
"Then do it. Be strong. If worse comes to worst, you know you're strong enough to do this."
"Yeah, I am."
"Yeah." A look passed between the two women. A look that only could be shared by two people who had loved and lost. Denny Duquette, Mark Sloan…and God help them, maybe Alex Karev. It wasn't fair and it was painful, but at this point both of them knew they could survive. Izzie was strong. She was young; she had the rest of her life ahead of her. As painful as the process had been the first time, she had survived and come back with a vengeance. Addison…Addison knew she wasn't as strong as Izzie. She knew she was only pretending to be okay, when every day she was falling to pieces. The only reason she was still standing was safely nestled in her womb, a child she hoped and prayed would look like her lost love.
For the first time since Mark had died, Addison knew…she just knew. She hadn't moved on. She was not getting over it. She had been too afraid to grieve…and for her sake and her son's, she had to find a way to face the fact that Mark Sloan was gone.
A
"All right, people, let's wrap this up!" Chief Richard Webber announced tiredly. They had been working on Alex Karev for four hours. They were all emotionally drained. Alex was one of them, and there was nothing worse than having a member of their team on the table. They were a family, and Alex was a member of the family, albeit an annoying one.
Going into surgery, Richard couldn't keep his mind off the last time he had had one of his surgeons on the table. He had been terrified. He wasn't yet recovered from the experience of Mark Sloan flatlining on his table…trying to revive him, the nurse calling his name, telling him it was over, calling the time of death, the long walk to Addison's office and later to the morgue… it never got easier. Mark's death had left him shaky and even in his worst nightmares he never imagined a few weeks later he would have another surgeon on his table. Hell, the surgeon was Mark's protégé.
And for a moment, he feared he would have to do the long walk again, this time over to Izzie Stevens.
But Alex was young and strong, and he had pulled through. He was going to have to stay in the hospital as a patient for a while and he had almost flatlined a couple of times…but he was going to be okay.
"Doctor Bailey," he greeted the shorter doctor as he caught up with her in the scrub room, where she was washing her hands.
"Doctor Webber."
"Good work today," he commented, as he started washing his own hands.
"Thank you, sir," she answered wryly. He stared at her, knowing she was having a hard time. These interns–residents now, he had to remind himself–they were Bailey's children. Grey, Yang, Stevens, O'Malley and Karev. She had raised them well; they were good doctors and good human beings. It was never easy to see one of your children on the table. It was unfathomable to be the one operating on them. But he knew there was no way in hell Bailey would have allowed anyone to perform a surgery on Alex Karev without her.
"Are you all right, Doctor Bailey?"
"I… I'm…"
"Don't say you're fine, Miranda. Don't lie to my face."
"It's hard, sir. But Alex is fine; that's what's important."
"Yes. But still…"
"It's hard."
"Yeah. But you did well."
"Thank you, sir."
"Do you want to tell Stevens or should I?"
"I'll go sir." Webber just nodded, watching Bailey leave the room. It wasn't right. Good men, good doctors, shouldn't get stabbed by gangsters that they were trying to help or be run over by teenagers on drugs. It wasn't right.
A
"Addie?" Derek walked over to her as she left Izzie's room. He had been pulled into an emergency surgery, and he'd last seen Addison with O'Malley and Stevens, trying to calm the young doctor down.
"Hey," she answered, and from her tone he could tell she was exhausted. He was worried about her. This couldn't be easy on her; Mark's death was still too recent. But he was a surgeon, which meant he didn't get to be by his ex-wife's side when there was someone who needed brain surgery. Still, he was worried.
"You okay? What happened? Is Karev…?"
"He's going to be fine. Bailey is in there with Izzie. He'll need to stay in the ICU for a while, but he'll pull through."
"Thank God."
"Yeah."
"Yeah." The silence between them was deafening, and he didn't know how to end it. They had been doing great together. They had been happy and friendly, they'd confided in each other… he hated the silence. He didn't want to lose the…friendship…that he and Addison were rebuilding. But he could feel her pulling away from him and he didn't know how to stop her.
"Do you want… do you want to see if your doctor…?"
"No."
"No?"
"No. That's okay. I'll reschedule… I don't want to do it today." Derek couldn't help but flinch at Addison's answer, noticing she was talking in the singular.
"All right… do you want to go to the cafeteria…?"
"Actually, I should check on some patients."
"Addison…"
"I've been so wrapped up with Izzie that I just…"
"Addison…"
"I have work to do, Derek. I'm sorry. I have to go. See you around." With that, she rushed away from him. Derek was left standing in the corridor, staring after her retreating figure.
He was afraid.
He was terrified.
He knew Addison better than she knew herself, and he knew what was going through her mind. Addison was coming unraveled and was pushing him away. He never imagined that she would be able hurt him so much again, that he would feel like he couldn't breathe without her.
What the hell was happening between them? For the first time he acknowledged that whatever it was, it was no longer about Mark or the baby. It was not about Meredith. It was about Addison and Derek.
He'd thought they were no longer Addison and Derek.
And he was terrified, because he knew her, and he knew why she had fled. He knew what she was doing.
And he knew he was not over her.
A
::Hello?:: a groggy voice answered her over the line. She wasn't sure why she was doing this, but she knew she had to do it.
"Hey, it's me."
::Addie?:: His voice sounded more alert now.
"Yeah."
::Are you okay?::
"No…" she almost sobbed, locking herself in her office.
::Addison…::
"I'll do it," she blurted.
::You'll do it?::
"Yes."
::Are you sure?::
"No."
::Addison…"
"I want to have the baby in New York, Rory."