Sorry for the delay. Here's the next part. My thanks to Anjali for beta-ing and to you for reading. Sadly, though, still not mine
---A---A---A---
Chapter XI
Two days.
Roan was coming to Seattle in two days.
Addison had just put the phone down. She had called Roan, needing someone to help her make sense of her life. After her conversation with Callie, she realized that her friend was right. There was no way going back to New York wouldn't make her think of Mark even more.
But she was having no better luck getting over his death in Seattle.
So at this point, the question was pretty simple: where would she be less miserable? She had all her friends back in New York, but she had managed to make some amazing friends in Seattle too. She had family in New York. But that family consisted of her mother, whom she didn't really speak to anymore, and Mark's family, who were not that close even among themselves.
Derek's family was there.
She loved Derek's family. But there was no way she could actually get them back into her life until she figured out the situation with Derek.
Roan's presence was the only factor that really tipped the scale; also, New York was familiar. New York was home.
But was it anymore?
Seattle was where she and Mark had intended to live their lives and raise their son. Seattle…at some point, Seattle had become 'home.' Maybe not Addison Forbes Montgomery's home, but certainly Addison Sloan's.
After Callie left, Addison had done a lot of thinking. Finally, she had opted to go to sleep early, hoping that when she woke up her life would be all figured out.
No such luck.
She had also been screening her calls. Mean, but necessary.
Derek had called her five times, the last time leaving a message. He knew, obviously. He knew her so well that he knew what she was feeling even before she had the guts to articulate it for him. His message had been a simple plea for her to talk to him. But there was something else…his voice…there was something else.
"Addie? Look, I know you're home. I just…I need to talk to you. I…I need to tell you…I get it, okay? You're freaking out. You get to freak out. But I need to talk to you. I don't want to make things more complicated for you, Addison. But please, call me, okay? I need to talk to you. It's important. Please, sweetie. Be safe, okay?"
Addison listened to the message for about the tenth time. There was just something about his voice. There was an anguish that she had not heard for a very long time. So, her answer should be simple enough, right? There was something going on with Derek, and he needed to talk to her. It stood to reason that she should call him and talk to him about whatever was bothering him.
So…why was she having so much trouble calling him back?
Now it was nine in the morning, and she had a surgery scheduled at eleven; Richard was keeping her on an easy schedule, playing the overprotective stepfather to a tee. She had to think about her work, she needed to concentrate. At some point, she had to reschedule her doctor's appointment. She had to make a life-changing decision.
She tried to convince herself that it was fine that she hadn't called Derek yet.
---A---A---A---
Derek Shepherd was a man on a mission. He had finally made up his mind; he now knew what he had to do. Still, he couldn't act on his decision while Addison was avoiding him. After talking to Meredith, he'd intended to face Addison, but she was hiding out in her home and not answering his calls. He had half a mind to go to her place and knock the door until she opened it, which had worked for him in the past. Still, he couldn't do that while claiming that all he wanted was for her to be happy. He had to be the better guy and not pressure her. He had to wait for her to come to him. He hoped she would do just that before her brother arrived, because he couldn't impose on her at the moment.
So he did the only thing he could think about doing.
He went to work.
Somehow, though, neurosurgery was proving to be a whole lot less fun than he remembered it being.
"Shepherd?" a short woman who had made it a habit to scold him like a three-year-old stopped him.
"Good morning, Doctor Bailey." He gave her his dreamiest smile, but the woman was immune. She looked at him like she couldn't believe he was still trying to charm her, so he gave it up and gave her a more serious look.
"Better. Are you opening someone's brain?"
"What, right now?" She nodded in response. "No, I was going to take care of some charts."
"Good. Then we're talking."
"But…"
"Come on." Bailey turned around and started walking down the hall.
"But…my charts…" he weakly attempted. Bailey turned around and gave him "The Look," the Nazi look that sowed fear in the hearts of interns, residents, and attendings alike. "Okay, I'm coming." Caving, he following her. She guided him to his office and opened the door with enough confidence that he felt the need to check that it was his name on the door and not hers. He entered the office, and she closed the door behind them.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Me? Nothing."
"Don't play dumb, McDreamy. What. Are. You. Doing?"
"I…" Why was he panicking? Right, because she was Miranda Bailey. "I'm standing very quietly and listening to you?"
"Good try. What's going with Addison?"
"How the hell would I know what's going on with Addison? The woman is not taking my calls!"
"Don't play dumb! Something's happened here. I know how hard Alex's surgery was on Addison. It was hard on all of us. But I want to know why Addison's not taking your calls, why she's freaking out, and why you dumped Meredith Grey. Yes, I know about that. I know everything. Now, spill."
"I…it's complicated," he offered, which earned him another glare.
"I know it's complicated. But what is this about? Why is Addison leaving?"
"Addison's leaving? You talked to her? She already decided to leave?!"
"Calm down. I haven't talked to her. Doctor Torres called me; she was with Addison last night. She wanted me to smack the stupid out of you before Addison showed up."
"Is Addie okay?"
"From what Torres said, just rattled. But she's making up her mind about leaving Seattle and moving back to New York, right?"
"Yeah. She's having a hard time dealing with Mark's death…she's confused. I guess she just wants to feel like she can go back home."
"Have you been making things harder for her?"
"What? No! I haven't. I've been doing my best to help her…to be there for her." Derek sighed. He wished he knew what he had done wrong…he'd known her grief would hit Addison at some point, and he was glad it had finally happened. But in mourning her husband, Addison had closed herself off, and he had felt the loss. He knew he was a part of what was happening to Addison, but he just didn't know how to convince her that she didn't need to leave. He wanted her to know he would be there for her, that he would take care of her as well as Roan would. He could do it. He wanted to do it.
"I believe you." Bailey sighed after searching his face for any sign that he was lying.
Derek nodded his acknowledgment and went to sit behind his desk, resting his head on his hands. "What was it, Bailey? You're Addie's friend. What did I do wrong? Why is she pulling away?"
"It's not your fault. Not completely." Bailey sat in the chair in front of him, a deep frown embedded on her features.
"I just wanted to be there for her. I wanted to be a good friend…"
"Derek." Bailey cut him off, and he stared. She moved forward, resting her arms on the desk. "What did you do?" she asked, this time without any accusation in her voice.
"I…I didn't mean to do anything. I never wanted to be one of the things that she couldn't handle…I promise, I just wanted to be there for her and the baby."
"And then…"
"And then, I went back. We both went back. All of a sudden, we were both in med school again. We were hanging out and acting like a…couple. Not doing anything…just, holding each other, the whole staring into each other eyes and stuff like that. It was comforting, you know? Like we were back when everything was easier…like Mark would come through the door at any point."
"He won't."
"I know. And I guess I shouldn't have shielded her from that fact. I shouldn't have played husband for her…it's just…I didn't want her to hurt anymore. And I love her, I really do."
"I know you do. But we can't help her now. We can't stop her from feeling what she needs to feel."
"There's…there's more."
"More? Meredith?"
"Partly. I didn't mean for this to happen, I didn't. But…I think I'm in love with Addison."
"Now?"
"Yeah. That's why I had to break up with Meredith. It wasn't fair to her. I couldn't lead her on, she deserves so much better."
"I agree. Have you told Addison any of this?"
"No. She's seriously not taking my calls."
"She's confused. From what Callie said, she's afraid she's been depending on you too much. Like she's allowed you to take over for Mark."
"I didn't mean to do that. I just wanted to make sure she knew…"
"What? That she can depend on you?"
"Yeah! What's wrong with that?"
"You're seeing this from your perspective, Derek."
"What do you mean?"
"Can you seriously tell me you don't know why Addison would have second thoughts about depending on you? About her son depending on you? Have you never failed her, Derek?"
"Hey, man," Derek greeted his best friend easily.
"Derek. What's up? You heading out?" Mark was changing into his street clothes, putting on a black sweater.
"No, just got a new case. Aneurysm."
"Oh. Wait, didn't you and Addison have plans tonight?"
"Yeah…" Derek saw Mark grimace as he closed the door to his locker. He was shook his head, and Derek knew he had already figured it out.
"Dude, come on, you can't keep…"
"Please, Mark, this is an important case. I have to stay, but we have the reservations…"
"So someone else can do the operation. Take your wife to dinner."
"I can't! This is about work."
"It's always about work, man. When will you make it about Add?"
"Addison gets it. She's a surgeon too, she knows how it gets."
"She's also a woman, Derek, and she's missing you these days."
"I'll make it up to her. Come on, man, she's already on her way, and if I just stand her up she's gonna get all upset. Plus you're heading out, and she always has fun with you…" Derek could see the irritation in his friend's eyes…and something more that he couldn't quite identify. Was he mad at Derek? Why was he making such a big deal about having dinner with Addison? He always said he liked her.
"And I love hanging out with her. Seriously, this isn't about me not wanting to have dinner with Addison. But Derek, she married you, she needs time with you. And I can keep picking up as much as you drop, but at some point you need to make time for her. You have no idea how much you're hurting her…"
"I'm not hurting her. I'm telling you, Addison gets it."
"Addison won't admit it to you! That doesn't mean she isn't upset about you working all these extra hours at the hospital."
"It's not like I ask for the extra hours!" Derek was getting upset now. Where did Mark get off talking about his marriage?
"You kinda do! Listen, Derek, I don't mean to upset you either…"
"Can you take Addison out or not?"
"Derek, you guys need to talk about this…"
"Can you?" Derek waited as Mark sighed and looked to the side.
"If I say no, will you go with her?"
"No." Derek could read the disappointment on his best friend's face.
"Then I'll go with her."
"Thanks." Derek nodded and turned to the door, when it suddenly swung open. He watched as his wife, Addison, made her way towards him. She smiled as she greeted him and kissed him softly on the lips. Then he saw her eyes light up as he saw Mark behind him; she approached and pecked him on the cheek, returning his hug.
"You ready to go?" She smiled, turning to face Derek.
"Actually…" He saw his wife's face fell the moment he opened his mouth. At this point, he was sure Addison had gotten used to their plans falling apart ninety percent of the time. She didn't seem surprised, just disappointed and a little bit sad.
"Case?" she asked, resigned.
"Yeah. I'm sorry, Addie. I'll make it up to you."
"Sure." Addison gave him another kiss and was turning to say good-bye too Mark, but then his best friend stepped in.
"You know what, Add? I'm off right now. You guys don't want those fancy reservations to go to waste…"
"It's okay, Mark," she answered. Derek watched as she put her hand on Mark's arm. "You probably have your own plans; you don't need to get stuck with me."
"Stuck? Come on, you're my best girl." Mark was giving her his most charming smile now, the one he usually used to get himself a girl for the evening. He was only pulling it out now, Derek knew, to keep Addison from spending an evening alone at home. "I know I'm second best here, but you're all dressed up." For the first time, Derek noticed Addison's outfit. She was wearing a form-fitting skirt with a slit on the side, and a tight green sweater that she knew he loved on her because it matched her eyes. She'd curled her hair, and it cascaded over her shoulders and back. She looked beautiful. And Derek had to ask himself why he hadn't noticed before Mark mentioned it.
"Really, Mark, you don't have to." She was still arguing.
"I want to. Come on, Derek doesn't mind, right?" Derek took his cue and shook his head.
"Go have fun, Addie. Just because I'm stuck here doesn't mean you have to be too." He could see Addison starting to cave. Of course, he thought, she didn't like to be left alone at their home; as much as she put on a strong façade, he knew that Addison hated being alone.
"Come on, Add. I'll make it worth your while," Mark offered once again. This time, she smiled, again turning to Derek for confirmation. He nodded.
Addison's smile was beautiful as she accepted. "Okay. Thanks, Mark."
"Nothing to thank, Add. Let's get out of here." Off the hook for the evening, Derek sighed. Mark had his arm around Addison now, and she seemed quite relaxed, enjoying his company. Still, she looked at her husband with sadness, as if still hoping he would change his mind and go with her.
"See you at home?" she asked, leaning over to peck him on the cheek.
"Sure, but don't wait up. This could take a while."
"Okay." She and Mark left, closing the door behind them. Hearing voices just outside the door, though, Derek knew they were still there. He made his way over to the door to listen. He knew he shouldn't, but lately this was the only means he had to know what his wife was thinking.
"It's gonna be okay." Mark whispered, and Derek imagined him caressing Addison's soft red curls.
"I miss him, Mark. I need him."
"He'll figure it out. Come on, let me try and take your mind off this."
"You're great."
"No, you are great. I'm playing catch up."
"Let's go,"she finally said, and their footsteps echoed down the hallway.
Derek closed his eyes and let out a long breath. What the hell was happening? Why was he allowing Addison to slip through his fingers? And, most importantly, why wasn't he doing anything to stop it from happening? He knew Mark was right. Derek was spending too many hours at work, and whenever Addison wanted to go out he would either stand her up or ask Mark to go in his place. What was happening? He loved his wife…didn't he?
---A---A---A---
"You made up your mind yet?" Callie Torres asked her best friend as she escorted her through the hospital's corridors. They'd met for lunch and were finally returning to work. Throughout the meal, they had both avoided talking about the elephant in the room, but now Callie couldn't refrain from asking.
"Yeah…I think I have," Addison mumbled. She was looking at her shoes now, avoiding eye contact and fumbling with the obnoxiously huge ring Mark had bought for her when he had proposed. All bad signs.
"You are leaving, aren't you?" Callie sighed. She didn't have many friends, and that had never really bothered her in the past. But after getting to know Addison, she'd enjoyed having a female friend so much…she didn't want her to leave.
"I'm sorry, Cal," Addison offered, still avoiding eye contact.
"You sure you can't stay?" They made their way into the empty locker room.
"I wish I could, Callie." Addison finally faced her and offered a sad smile. "I'm going to miss you so much!" That was all it took to make notorious badass Callie Torres and certified bitch Addison Sloan to hug and fight with all their might to prevent the tears from falling.
"I'm going to miss you too!" Callie tried to smile as they broke the embrace. "Miranda kinda sucks at the girl stuff."
"I've noticed that about her too." Addison gave her a watery smile as she sat on one of the benches. Callie sat by her side and patted her leg.
"I'm going to ask only once, because I have to ask, okay? You're sure this is the right thing to do?"
"No…but I need to get my act together. I don't want to run away, Callie. I really don't. But I can't think clearly here…I can't go on like nothing happened among all these people that knew me and Mark together. I can't think…"
"And what about Derek?"
"What about Derek?"
"Come on, Addison. Aren't you going to tell him?"
"I have to. I guess I have to."
"You don't want to leave Derek, do you?" Callie asked softly.
"No…but I can't let him take care of me and Matt anymore."
"He wants to."
"Yes, but I can't let him. At least not now. I have to get my act together, for me and my son, and I have to do it on my own. It's so much easier to let Derek be there, but it's Mark's place…"
"We've talked about this, Addie. Mark would have wanted…"
"Not yet. Okay? I'm not ready and it's too complicated between me and Derek."
"All right." Callie decided to let the subject drop; this was something Addison and Derek had to work out for themselves. "Are you going away for good? Like, you're not coming back ever again?"
"I'm not sure yet. I hope I can come back at some point...you're the weirdest friend I've ever had, I don't want to give that up!"
"Well, you're a lot of fun as a friend too. Seriously, I can like, write a book, 'Things that would only ever happen to Addison.' It would be a long book, I tell you…" Both women laughed at that. Callie knew she was going to miss Addison, but a big part of being a friend was wanting the best for her friends. And if Addison really thought this was what she needed to do to heal, Callie was going to support her.
"I'm calling you all the time. And you're coming to visit once I get settled."
"Of course I am!"
"Good. Because you and Miranda have to fly in when Matt is born. I want him to get to know his cool Aunt Callie."
"Of course he will! I'm gonna make sure that boy drives you crazy. I'll get him to drink his first beer."
"Good. Well, not good. I mean, I don't want my son doing any underage drinking, but I want him to know all of his family." Callie was deeply moved by Addison's words. She didn't have many friends, but she considered Addison family as well. They sat together for a little while longer, both of them hoping that they wouldn't end up losing a wonderful friendship.
"Just so you know…" Callie started again as she stood up, "I called Miranda. She talked to Derek."
"What?" Addison snapped her head around fast enough to catch Callie already making her escape through the door.
"Yeah. He should behave for the rest of the day, so you can talk to him whenever you want." Callie offered her one last smile before closing the door.
---A---A---A---
"What, it's your turn now?" Derek asked Preston Burke as soon as the cardiothoracic surgeon popped his head into his office.
"I just wanted to get some coffee."
"I'm sorry." Derek sighed. After performing a three-hour surgery, he was still sulking over his conversation with Miranda Bailey. It was always hard for him to remember his part in the downfall of his marriage. And on top of it all, he'd been unable to find Addison even though he knew she had to be at the hospital already.
"Bad day?" Burke asked, sitting in the chair opposite Derek.
"Have you ever done something you really, really regret, Burke?"
"Like kill someone during surgery? Leaving a towel in a woman's chest? Lying to the chief about having a tremor? Blaming it on you?"
"No, like something you really, really regret."
Burke stared at Derek for a few moments, gaping.
"You seriously don't pay attention to other people's lives, do you?"
"What?"
"Never mind. I'll bite. What's eating you, Shepherd?"
"It's Addison," Derek confessed.
"What did you do?" Preston demanded, his tone a bit edgier this time.
"Why do people keep assuming I did something?"
"What did he do?" Richard Webber demanded. His former, and quite honestly favorite, student was sitting in front of him. A woman he loved dearly, as he would a daughter. He had been by her side during both the best and worst times of her life, and she had done the same for him. He had convinced her to move to Seattle and made her his Head of Neonatal. He had given her away in her second wedding and was looking forward to playing grandfather to her child. And she was asking him to rescind her contract with Seattle Grace Hospital.
And he just had a feeling that his Head of Neurosurgery had something to do with it.
"He didn't do anything, Richard."
"Don't cover for him, Addison."
"I'm not. Richard, this is not about Derek." He gave her a glare and she caved a little bit. "Okay, maybe it's a tiny bit about him. But mostly it's about me. I have to do this, Richard."
"Addison… why? Let's not even begin to focus on your contract yet. Why do you want to leave your home? Your friends?"
"Richard, please, I need you to understand. I don't want to leave you guys. You're right, I have made a home for myself here. But I didn't make it on my own, I made it with Mark. I miss him."
"You're supposed to miss him."
"I can't do this here, now."
"Why?" Burke asked.
"Because, apparently, she can't really mourn for her husband if I'm by her side all the time."
"I think you're being quite presumptuous."
"Thanks, Preston. Nice of you to kick a man when he's already down."
"I mean. Obviously, you may have gone a little overboard with trying to be there for her and making sure her son wasn't fatherless…but I hardly believe you're the only reason she's leaving. I don't even think you're the main reason!"
"Then why is she leaving?!"
"Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I turn over in bed." Addison was speaking softly now and Richard didn't want to do anything that would make her close up. "And there's always this split second when I wonder where Mark is. He's supposed to be by my side when I roll over so I can lay on his chest. And then, the awful part comes. That moment when I remember he's dead and all I can see is his body broken on the floor…and then I have to wake up. I have to come to work, which is fine. But then…then I have to walk down the same road where he was killed. Then I go to the locker room and I see his locker and I remember all those times we were alone in there and…and when a plastic case comes over and the nurses call Doctor Mullony I just can't help thinking that that would be Mark's patient."
"Addie, I had no idea this was so hard for you."
"That's because I can't let everyone know. I have to get over all that and do my job, save babies and take care of my own. And then I see these new fathers holding their sons for the first time…" Richard put a comforting hand on Addison's arm when he noticed she was fighting the tears that threatened to fall. "Mark won't ever get to do that."
"I know, Addie."
"And I love you guys. I love you all so much. But I think that my being here right now is only making this harder."
"Sure, you probably made it harder, Derek. But you have to remember what she's gone through. She has a lot on her plate right now."
"I know that. I just…"
"You're feeling guilty," Preston stated, and Derek didn't deny it. "You feel guilty about her leaving, but you know you didn't do anything. What is really going on, Derek?"
"A lot of things."
"You're not fooling me. You want to talk. You love talking about your issues. Just tell me already. Maybe I can actually help you."
"I think I'm falling in love with her again." Preston stayed silent for a couple of minutes, and Derek began to worry that he was going to get decked. Finally, he noticed Preston smiling through his hand.
"You're really all abut the timing, aren't you?"
"I know the timing is not ideal, Richard. And I'm sorry. I know you have every right in the world to uphold my contract and make me stay…"
"We both know I'm not doing that, Addison. You're right, you need to get it together and heal. And you are on a time table here. Matt is not going to change his plans of arrival for our comfort."
"Yeah, he's kinda opinionated already." Richard was relieved to see Addison smile softly as she spoke of her son.
"See? No, I won't hold you hostage here. But I have a few conditions."
"Conditions?"
"I'm not rescinding your contract. You're too valuable to us."
"So…?"
"So, my dear, you're taking a leave of absence."
"A leave…?"
"Not deductible from your maternity leave."
"I don't understand…I'm going to New York."
"I know. You're going to New York, and you're going to let that annoying brother of yours take care of you. You'll rest and think of Mark and you'll cry a lot, but Addie, you'll heal. And once you've put yourself back together and you're in good enough shape to actually make decisions about your life, I want you to come back. And then you and I will talk and you'll tell me if you really want to move back to New York for good or you'd rather come back here. You're not alone, Addison, and the door is always open for you. Always."
"Thank you, Richard."
"You don't have anything to thank me for, Addison. You're family."
"We were a family, and it was easier back then." Derek looked wistful as he fondly remembered the days he had shared with Addison and Mark in New York. Everything had been so perfect then; too bad he hadn't realized what he'd had. "It wasn't even broken when Addie and I became a official family, you know? It was like, we were Addison and Derek, and we were a unit, but we were also Addison and Derek and Mark. I got the best of both worlds, the hot wife and my best bud, and they got along, so we could all hang out."
"And then…"
"And then I became absent and I walked in on them together and…my family was broken. I hated having them here at first. It was like putting a finger on an open wound; my family was here, but we weren't a family anymore."
"But you guys got better."
"Yeah, we did. And I was hoping…they were a unit, but that had worked for us before. I thought we could be Addison and Mark and Derek. I wanted to get it back. So did Mark."
"I'm sure Addison sees you as family too." Preston didn't quite know what to say. Derek could see his friend was confused. He couldn't know, he hadn't known them back then.
"Yeah. But I was wrong. I tried to make us a family again too soon after Mark's death. I didn't help her, as much as I tried. I made it harder." They were silent for a few moments. Burke was again at a loss for words, and Derek was tired after all the talking he had done already. But he knew that the most important conversation of the day was still ahead of him. Finally, Burke stood up and headed for the door. He stopped at the threshold and Derek glanced up at him, giving him his attention.
"Talk to her before she leaves." Derek nodded as Preston left his office, their cups of coffee long forgotten.
---A---A---A---
The day was finally over, and Addison was relieved. While she loved her work, the strain of the long hours was starting to catch up with her. She was ready to go home, lay in the bathtub for about an hour and then overindulge with chocolate while watching something mindless on TV.
Sadly, she didn't feel like she had earned the right yet.
She had one last thing to do, and she knew it would be the hardest she'd done all day. She had to talk to Derek, and she couldn't put it off anymore. She found him in the lobby, and since he had signed out about two hours before, she guessed he was waiting for her.
"Hey," she offered timidly. She knew Derek–she'd been married to the man for over a decade, so she knew there was no chance he hadn't figured out her decision yet.
"Hey. I…I called…"
"I should've called you back, I'm sorry…"
"No. It's okay, you don't have to apologize."
"I do. I'm sorry, my mind was just…"
"I figured."
"Yeah."
"Yeah." Silence. She hated the silence more than anything else. She especially hated the silence and awkwardness when she was standing next to a man who probably knew her better than any other man did.
Any other living man.
God, this was so hard.
She decided to take the bull by the horns.
"Derek, we need to talk."
"I know."
"Let's not do this here, please? I don't want the nurses walking around, trying to listen in…"
"I'll drive you home," he offered. She smiled and nodded. They made their way to her car silently, and she handed him her keys. That was one of Derek's most adorable Neanderthal quirks–there was no way he was not driving, even if it was her car. She didn't mind. She was tired and anxious; he could drive if it made him happy.
When they arrived at her house, she opened the door and let him in. They had been silent the whole time, and she was starting to freak out. How was she supposed to start this conversation? She motioned for him to make himself comfortable. He smiled and sat on the couch, accepting the iced tea she offered. She knew he was probably dying for a scotch but was abstaining since she couldn't drink. Once she returned from the kitchen, she sat down next to him.
There was no more stalling now.
They were doing this.
"So…I'm sorry I didn't return your call," Addison started.
"That's okay…I figured you needed the space. I was just so worried."
"I know. I should have called. Derek…this is so hard."
"I talked to Roan. I know."
"You…you talked to my brother? Again?"
"I sort of drunk dialed him. Long story, but when I saw you after Alex…I just knew…"
"I'm leaving."
"You were leaving," they both said at the same time.
"Yeah," she said, tears starting to well up in her eyes.
"Addison…do you…I mean, do you really have to…?"
"I do."
"I don't…" She could see he was struggling to find words. She guessed maybe he was trying to be the bigger person and not ask her to stay. But she could also see the pain in his eyes; she would have known even if he'd decided not to finish his sentence. "I don't want you to leave. Please, Addison, I'll do anything…just don't go."
"I have to, Derek. I'm so sorry, but I can't stay."
"Addie…I never…whatever I did."
"You didn't do anything. It was all me. I have to leave because of me…"
"But you can't go. You…I was going to be there for you."
"I know."
"I really want to be there for you, Addison. Please." Through her own tears, she could see the ones that were pooling in Derek's eyes. It was so hard, to see this proud wonderful man she had once thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with, begging. She hated seeing him like that…he deserved better. He was a good man, and he was crying and begging, and she could feel her resolve weakening.
But she couldn't give in. She had to do this for herself and Matt.
"I know Derek, and I really want to let you be…"
"Then why can't you stay? I know I maybe came on too strong and it was too soon. I should've given you more time and space but I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I figured that's what I should do…"
"Derek. Seriously. I'm not blaming you. Not for a thing. You were wonderful and I'm so lucky to have you in my life."
"Then why does it feel like you're running away from me?" She was shocked by the question, by the passion in his eyes. It took her a moment to find her voice.
"I'm not running away from you."
"Yes, you are. And I know a lot about running away, Addison. You're running away from me, from Seattle, from the past. You're running away from…"
"No!"
"You're running away from Mark!" Silence fell, and Derek's words hung between them. Tears were falling on both their cheeks.
"I'm…"
"Addison…"
"Maybe I am. I shouldn't, but maybe I am."
"I'm sorry I said it."
"No, Derek. You're right. I'm running away from Mark because I haven't made peace with his death yet. And being here is so hard…I need to get my act together, and I can't do it here. At least not yet."
"So you need to leave."
"So I need to leave." Silence again. She felt so tired. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself into his arms and allow his familiar presence to comfort her, but she couldn't. As much as she wanted to, she couldn't.
"Addison…I know the timing is probably wrong. Actually there's not a chance in hell the timing doesn't suck, but I need to tell you something. This is really important and I'm really sorry about making this even harder for you, but you need to listen to this before you make a decision."
"I already made a decision, Derek."
"Please, just… hear me out, okay?"
"Okay." She nodded, though panic started to grip at her.
"This…us, me helping you, it started out because of Mark. I wanted to make sure you were taken care of, because he was my brother and I owed to him. But it was also more. It was about you, because you were Addison and even when…you and Mark were my family, it was that simple. I had to take care of you, I wanted to, because you were Mark's wife and because you were Addison and I just couldn't…not."
"I know that."
"Yeah, but you don't know the rest. Addie…I've missed you so much, having you in my life, being able to talk to you and tell you I loved you…I have not being able to do that in such a long time and I really missed it."
"I missed you too."
"I know. But then everything got so confusing. It started to feel like so much more than…family…and friendship." The minute he said that, she felt her heart stop. The look in his eyes…he was looking at her so intently and his eyes looked huge and so pure. She knew that look. It had always been in his eyes, once upon a time. And for a moment, she felt elated. He was looking at her like he used to, he was telling her the things she had once wanted to hear so much. But it was overwhelming. This couldn't be happening. Not now. It wasn't fair.
"Please, Derek. Don't…"
"I broke up with Meredith. I thought about it over and over…I'm sorry, Addison. I told you my timing sucks…"
"Derek."
"Addie, I'm falling in love with you." She gasped. She wanted to kiss him and hit him at the same time.
"I'm sorry, Derek…"
"No, listen to me. I don't mean to pressure you and I'm not asking for us to get back together right now. I know it's too soon and I know you have a lot going on right now. I'm just saying… this is happening. I know what I'm feeling and I think…I think you know what I'm talking about."
"I'm not in love with you," she said harshly.
"No, you're in love with Mark, and you get to be in love with Mark. But I think that these weeks of us being together made you remember too. I think you loved being us again as much as I did. And I think that once you are done mourning Mark…you'll see you're feeling something for me again too."
"I…Derek, you're being cruel. You can't do this to me right now…"
"I'm sorry. I just couldn't let you go without knowing…I would've offered to go back to New York with you…"
"No!"
"But I won't. Because I know you're scared right now. I just wanted to let you know that this is real. I'm real. And once you're ready…Addie, we can be a family." She knew what Derek meant. She knew he loved her and that he just wanted to make sure she understood he would be waiting for her. But still, something inside of her imploded. As much as she had loved being with Derek again, she couldn't help but wonder abut his timing. About when he had changed and become her Derek again. She couldn't help herself; the words were out of her mouth before she even knew what she was saying.
"You don't want me, Derek! You haven't wanted me for years! You just want to be a father!" She would never, for as long as she lived, forget the pain on his face when she said that. Right that second, she could see Derek Shepherd's heart breaking. And as guilty as she felt, she couldn't deny that she'd harbored that fear for a long time now.
"Addison…" he whispered.
"What do you want, Derek? Do you really want me? Or do you just want to be Matt's father."
"I…"
"You can't be his father. He already has…had one. I need to make sure my son knows who Mark was. I can't let you take over, Derek."
"I don't…I don't want to take over." He sighed and faced her. "I'm sorry. I took over and I shouldn't have. I should've found a way to take care of you without taking Mark's place. And you're right, Mark is Matt's father and I respect that. Even if I fell in love with the idea…I love Matt, I won't deny that. I love you and I love Matt, but I know that I'm not his father." Addison nodded. She knew Derek always meant well. But this was a mistake the two of them had committed, and now she had to make it right, even if she hurt him. Even if she hurt herself.
"I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. But I'm not ready for this, Derek. Not now. And I…I don't know if I ever will be."
"W-why?" he asked in a whisper.
"Because I love you. I've always loved you. But I don't know if I can ever trust you that way again. And whoever I am with…becomes a very important part of my son's life."
"I can…"
"I know you can do it, Derek. You'll be a wonderful uncle but…anything else? I don't know if I can risk it."
"It's not a risk."
"It is, Derek. Can you promise you'll be there for the rest of his life? That you'll help me make sure he knows everything about Mark? You'll put your job second? You'll be there for him 24/7? Or you'll become indifferent once the novelty wears of? You'll take a plain and leave us? I can take it, Derek. I've already survived you. But I can't take that chance for my son."
"You were going to let me…"
"I'm going to let you be a part of his life, his uncle. But if you want us to be together…Derek, being a family is really different from what we talked about."
"I'm committed to this."
"I can't take the chance. And even if I could, I'm not ready. You need to let me go, Derek."
"I don't want to. I can be the man you need me to be."
"I'm sorry…"
"Are you saying…are you saying we'll never…?"
"I don't know. I'm saying I need to be on my own right now."
"And about…?"
"Matt? I don't know. I'm sorry, Derek. I just don't know right now. I can't make any promises."
"You're leaving," he said, and she could hear the resignation in his voice.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay." He stood up slowly and offered her one last sad smile before starting to the door. She could see him wiping the reminding tears from his eyes as she followed him, hugging her body. Once he reached the door, she opened it for him and moved to the side so he could leave.
He made it over the threshold before he turned around. Before she had a chance to react, he was kissing her. She could feel his arms around her body, and her hands immediately went to his chest, feeling his heartbeat fast and strong. She remembered his taste; she remembered the softness of his lips and had a second of conscious thought to realize how perfectly she fitted in his arms, even after all this time. The kiss was sweet and intense; it made her feel safe and scared at the same time. All she could think about was that this was Derek and they were kissing and it didn't feel bad. Not bad at all.
After a few moments, he pulled away but didn't let her go. He laid his forehead on hers, his eyes open and shining. She stared right at him, trembling between his arms.
"Listen," he whispered, never breaking the contact between them, "you go, you do what you need to do. I understand. But I'm not giving up. I know I have a lot of ground to make up for, but I will. I know I can be the man you need me to be, Addison. And whatever mistakes we made…no one can love you the way I do. No one else can love Matt as much as I do. So, go to New York, find your peace. I'll be here, working on becoming the man you deserve. Because I love you. I love both of you." With that, he planted one last kiss on her forehead and left.
Her heart was racing and her hands were shaking as she closed the door behind him.