Here's the next part; read and enjoy! Thanks a lot to my beta, Anjali and also thanks to all of you for your nice comments and reviews.
Chapter XII
"You have a lot of crap here." Addison smiled at her brother, throwing a pillow at him from the couch. They were packing her things for the big move, and although she had to agree that she indeed had a lot of crap, she didn't appreciate the comment. Roan had arrived in Seattle almost two weeks ago, and they'd had the chance to reconnect and talk things through. At the end, Addison decided she wanted to go back to New York, although on a trial basis. Her conversation with Richard had helped her a lot; knowing she still had a place to come back when she was ready had been wonderful reassurance. They would leave for New York in another couple of days, once her place was packed up.
"Shut up. I need everything in here."
"Seriously? The eight hundred shoes from hell are now a 'need'?"
"Of course," she answered matter-of-factly, and smiled in amusement as her brother laughed.
"This house is awesome, by the way," Roan stated. He was right. It was a two-story house, with a beautiful garden in the front, wood floors and exquisite furniture.
"I know."
"I'm glad you're not selling it or anything. You may have use for it soon." Roan smiled at her. Since she wasn't sure where she would live after the baby was born, she'd decided to keep the house. Callie was moving in while she was in New York, having grown tired of the hotel. So there was no need to put her furniture in storage, which was convenient, and Callie had even insisted on taking one of the spare rooms instead of the master bedroom, in case Addison wanted to move back in.
"Yeah. I guess."
"So, your friends coming tonight?"
"Yeah. Callie organized this last-minute moving thing. They're coming to pretend to help us pack the last of my things."
"Nice of them to show after the work is mostly done." Roan snickered and Addison smacked his arm.
"Shut up, they're nice."
"I bet they are. But if they're coming tonight, let's just stop dealing with your shoes. Please?"
"I don't know, Rory…"
"Honey, seriously. You shouldn't even be…"
"Don't! Roan Forbes Montgomery…"
"Man, my whole name. I must be screwed."
"…don't you DARE tell me I 'shouldn't be doing a thing.' I'm…"
"Pregnant, not sick and not dying. Pregnant. Women have been doing this since the dawn of time!" Roan mimicked the speech she had been reciting for the last couple of months, which earned him another pillow in the face.
"Rory!"
"I'm sorry, Addie. But seriously, I get it. I just want you to rest a little bit more anyway. You don't need to be dealing with this stuff, okay? That's sort of the whole point of my being here."
"I know." Addison sighed, sitting on the couch and caressing her belly.
"You guys okay over there?" Roan asked, sitting next to her on the couch. He put his hand over hers and she smiled at him.
"Yes. I'm fine. I just feel…weird, you know?"
"I guess I would feel weird too with like, a person, inside of me." She laughed and moved her hand, allowing him to rest his directly on her belly. "Seriously, Addie. Are you feeling okay? You have being so sick lately…"
"Morning sickness is normal at fourteen weeks, Rory."
"The headaches? The cramping? Those are normal, too?"
"Yeah. Mildly annoying, but normal. I promise."
"Good. I just…I don't really know much about this stuff. I want to make sure everything is the way it should be. Regarding the pregnancy, I mean." He smiled sadly at her and Addison just nodded. One good thing about having her brother around was the fact that she could openly mourn for what she had lost. Mark and Roan had been good friends for years; Mark always mocked Derek that his own brother-in-law liked him better…No. Addison thought, I'm not thinking about Derek now.
"It's okay. I feel fine. Tired, but fine."
"You feel different," Roan commented after a few moments of patting her belly.
"That's creepy coming from my brother." She laughed as he smacked her on the arm.
"I mean your stomach feels different, psycho. But you're not really showing yet."
"Really? I think I am." She stood up and walked to the mirror positioned in the living room, side facing the mirror so she could see the slight curve of her body. She could see the difference. Most people looking would only think that she'd put on a few pounds; this being her first pregnancy, she hadn't gained too much weight. But she was definitely showing--at least she could tell now she was pregnant.
"You look great either way. You have the whole glowing thing going on."
"Seriously?" she asked, not really seeing it. "Maybe it's the sweating from the vomiting and hot flashes."
"You're totally taking the magical thing away from your pregnancy, you get that, right?" She laughed as he teased her, more sure than ever that he was what she needed. She was just so glad to have him back.
"Sorry, Rory. I'll try to make my pregnancy as magical and wonderful as you need it to be."
"That's better." He laughed and put his arm around her as she sat back down. She closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder, feeling more content than she had in a long time.
"I think I'm going to take a power nap, if you don't mind."
"Go ahead, Addie. I want you as rested as possible, so tomorrow we can go the hospital for your ultrasound."
"Rory…" She started to protest, but Roan cut her off.
"Don't even try, Addie. You postponed your twelve-week appointment, and I have being reading up on this whole pregnancy thing."
"You have?" she asked, amused.
"I have indeed. Turns out you need to see your ob-gyn once a month for the first trimester, and that you need to have a second ultrasound between the twelfth and fourteenth weeks of pregnancy. And considering you're over thirty-five years old, you need to be really careful."
"Okay, ouch. Seriously, you needed to call me old?"
"You know what I mean. We are not boarding a plane until you have your doctor's clearance. This is your specialty; you should know this stuff way better than I do. We're going in tomorrow, got it?"
"Got it." She got up and was heading toward the staircase when his voice stopped her in her tracks.
"Addie?"
"Yeah?"
"If you prefer to go with someone else…like Callie or, you know…"
"Don't go there, Rory."
"You were planning to go with him in the first place."
"Just…we'll go tomorrow. Can I go now?" she asked impatiently, longing for the time when her brother thought Derek Shepherd should always be a couple of miles away from his baby sister.
"Fine." He sighed and let the matter drop, for which she was grateful. She had made it up to the top of the stairs when she decided to annoy her brother a little bit more.
"Rory?" she asked innocently.
"Yeah, sweetie?" She heard the affection in his tone and almost felt guilty for what she was about to do.
"That whole thing about my stomach feeling different?"
"Yeah?" He walked to the bottom of the staircase so he could look her in the eye.
"Yeah, that was my uterus." She left, running to her room in a fit of laughter, and she could hear her brother screaming from the first floor.
"Oh, Addison! Why the hell would you tell me that?!! Eww! Man! Not cool, Addison!!"
A
Derek Shepherd was at a crossroads.
He had decided that it was time to make changes in his life. That was a really hard notion for him; he honestly could say that he hated change. Sure, he had packed up his life in New York and started a whole new life in Seattle and it had turned out fine. Still, considering that he had only moved after finding his wife of eleven years cheating on him with his best friend, change sucked.
But he knew that change was the only thing that would get his life where he wanted it to be.
He stood outside, on the beautiful land he had acquired after leaving Addison. In front of him was his trailer. It was a ridiculously small trailer. It was rusty and it was cramped; his clothes didn't even fit properly inside, so he had most of them in bins on the porch. The trailer was full of memories, not all of them good. He had had some good times with Meredith in the trailer, he had rebuilt himself in his trailer. It was the first thing in a long time that he had had that was just 'Derek'–not 'Addison and Derek,' not 'Derek the son' or 'Derek the brother.' The trailer was supposed to be just 'Derek,' and that was good. But he had also emotionally tortured Addison in the trailer. He had broken his wife to the point that she didn't know who she was anymore. And if there was no 'Addison,' he realized belatedly, there was no way there was a 'Derek.'
But the fact of the matter was he loved his trailer, and he didn't want to give it up.
There was no way in hell Addison would ever agree to live in the trailer again. Never. No chance.
He sat on the small porch he had built, beside his huge clothes-bins, and opened a beer. This was not going to be easy.
He hadn't talked to Addison for two weeks. All he knew was that Roan had arrived and was currently staying with her. He knew he was helping her pack up her things in order to move to New York, so it was happening. He had also heard some talk between Miranda Bailey and Callie Torres that they were getting together at Addison's house…some packing-party, or something. He knew she was doing fine and that she was leaving town. That was it.
He had been dying to call her since their last conversation, which had ended in Addison telling him she was not interested in a relationship and his promising to fight for her and wait for her. Two weeks later, he was starting to feel more like himself than he had felt in years. He had remembered who he used to be; once upon a time, he'd been a sweet and caring man. He would surprise his wife with breakfast in bed, he would make the time to take her to dinner and dancing, he would look for the latest shows on Broadway because he knew she loved them. He would never leave the house without telling Addison he loved her. Truth be told, he had been a man way better than he was now. At some point, he had stopped. He suddenly became distant and apathetic; he put on his drive into becoming the best on his field and left Addison to fend for herself. That was not strictly accurate–Addison hadn't been alone and he'd known she wouldn't be. Mark had been there to pick up the pieces and up until the affair, Derek had thought it was a rather comfortable settlement. For him, anyway.
But now…now Derek had to convince Addison that he was the man she used to love. He was not kidding himself; he knew she would be leaving soon, and he had promised to let her go. He hoped against all hope that he would be able to fulfill that promise. But that didn't change a thing; nothing could change how he felt. He needed to make changes in his life so that one day he would be able to prove Addison that he'd meant everything he said. He loved her and he wanted to be there for her, so he wanted to let his actions speak for themselves.
Which unfortunately brought him back to his current predicament.
He knew Addison hated, H-A-T-E-D, the trailer, and rightfully so. After all, he had done his best to make sure the trailer was a hateful place for her. The next logical step in rebuilding himself would be to give up the trailer and buy a decent house. He could even build one on his land…
"Wait a minute…" Derek muttered to himself, thinking of something that could solve both problems at once. He was hellbent on proving to Addison that he could be a family man, that he could be a good partner for her and, eventually, a good stepfather to Matthew. But maybe buying a house was not the way to do it…he had already done that once. Addison wanted them to spent more time together, so he'd bought her a house in the Hamptoms that he hated and was always too busy to go to anyway; Addison wanted him to remember the things that were important to her, so he'd given her diamonds three days after their anniversary. It was easier to buy her things that she would like than to give her the support that she needed.
Addison had already bought a house and, according to Callie Torres, she was not selling it. She had a home and he knew that she had bought that house in particular because it was closer to where Mark had wanted them to raise their baby. Addison didn't need a house, she wanted a home. He could buy himself a thousand houses and show them to her, claiming that he was an adult now. That was what he wanted to do, not what she needed. He was doing it again. Addison had a house, she had a life; he wasn't supposed to incorporate her into his world, he was supposed to convince her that he could fit in hers.
Addison wouldn't want him to change the things he loved about himself for the sole reason of getting him back. She needed to see that he was considerate and sweet, that he was willing to be there for her. He needed to show her that he was changing for himself, and for the better.
He had made his land and his trailer a place Addison had every right to hate. But the land was beautiful, and he did love the trailer. They were a part of who he was now. He smiled at the sudden light of inspiration: just like himself, the trailer was not solely what Addison had known. It was different from her usual and sometimes unpleasant, but it was essentially a nice place. Just like himself, underneath the bad memories associated with his land and trailer, there was a great place that she could potentially love. All he had to do was show Addison that this place she hated could become just what she needed, a place she could love. Not a replacement for her house or something to change her way of living, but part of her life all the same.
Yeah, irony sucks, he thought to himself. For the moment, it would be easier molding the land and the trailer into something new. He could do this, he knew he could. A voice in his head told him that if Addison could actually let go of her hatred of the trailer and come to love his place, there was a chance she would be able to forgive him one day and love him again.
A
"Are you serious about the shoes?" Addison laughed as Preston Burke held one of her favorite pairs of black heels in his hand like it was a foreign and potentially dangerous object.
"Deathly serious," she replied, "Those shoes are killers."
"For your feet, I bet they are," he mumbled as he packed the shoes inside a huge box, already almost full of more shoes.
"Addison, once again, thank you for letting me crash your place." Callie Torres entered the room with a grin on her face, carrying a box of books. "This house is so awesome."
"Like you couldn't afford a place of your own," she muttered jokingly under her breath when Callie walked past her, earning her a shove and a glare. She was having a great time with her friends and her brother in the house. The last of her things were finally getting packed, and the last of Callie's stuff was finding its place in the guest room. And more importantly, she was laughing and joking and having fun. Maybe today would actually be a good day.
"Hey, guys! Pizza's here!" Roan popped his head into the room, announcing the arrival of the long-awaited food. Pizza wasn't something she would normally indulge in, but cravings were a wonderful excuse to have fast food. The fact that no one was going to argue with a pregnant woman–even though Miranda would rather go for Chinese and she knew Burke was a gourmet-lover–was an added bonus.
Addison smiled at her friends and hurried to the living room, Burke and Callie trailing behind her. She arrived to find two extra-cheese pizzas on the coffee table. Roan was getting the plates while her friends slowly made themselves comfortable on the couches. Richard and Adele were sitting on the biggest couch, Richard pretending to be annoyed with the silliness going on around him. Adele was loving it. Miranda Bailey and her husband Tucker Jones were on the smaller couch, baby Tuck comfortably in Miranda's arms and Tucker smiling at them both. Addison made herself comfortable on the loveseat as her brother claimed the armchair after bringing out the plates. Callie came in carrying a tray with drinks for everyone –orange juice for Addison– and Burke came carrying a couple of chairs from the dining room so he and Callie could sit down. Izzie Stevens and Alex Karev had been invited as well, but they had opted out since Alex was still recovering. Still, Izzie had called to apologize again to Addison, even though the redhead assured her no apologies were needed. She was glad Izzie was sticking with Alex for the duration, and she was even gladder that Alex was letting her.
Roan presented her with two huge slices of pizza, and she accepted them with a smile. Everyone was making small talk and sharing embarrassing stories with the group. Two hours later, Callie and Roan were sitting on the rug in front of the coffee table, Preston was chatting comfortably with Tucker Jones, and Adele was searching through Addison's CD collection to find something that would fit the mood. Baby Tuck had gotten sleepy and therefore cranky, so Miranda and Addison went to put him down in her bedroom.
They entered the bedroom, the only room that hadn't been visibly affected by the packing. Addison kept it neat, and the only things out of place were a couple of medical journals on the bedside table and a photo album she had been looking over that morning.
"You can put him on the bed," Addison offered, arranging the pillows to create a Tuck-sized space.
"Thanks," Bailey answered, laying the toddler in between the pillows. Addison watched as her usually unemotional friend gently patted her son's head and gave him a soft kiss on the cheek. She smiled, watching the interaction between mother and son, her hand instinctively covering her stomach. In about twenty-six more weeks, she would be putting her own baby to sleep every night. That thought alone made her feel happier than she had felt in a long time, even though she would be without Mark.
"You okay?" Bailey asked, obviously noticing Addison staring intently at the small child on the bed.
"Yeah…yeah, I'm fine. Just…"
"Overwhelmed?"
"Yes." Addison laughed and looked at her friend, who was smiling knowingly. Miranda Bailey's smiles were always knowing. As she loved to remind everyone, she knew everything.
"You're not scared about being a mother," Miranda stated. "You know you'll be great at it."
"I am scared. Just not scared of giving birth. But mostly I think I'm back to looking forward to it."
"At some point you weren't?"
"I always wanted my baby, don't get me wrong. But after Mark died, I sort of stopped looking forward to it and just worried about everything. I was more upset than anything about Matt not getting to know his father and I forgot I actually was looking forward to having a baby…you're staring…" Addison trailed off when she noted her friend was staring proudly at her. "What's wrong?"
"You said it."
"I said what?"
"You said 'after Mark died.'" Addison hadn't even noticed She had actually said it. And this time, her heart hadn't broken.
"I did, didn't I?" she asked, more to herself than to Bailey.
"Yes you did. Are you okay with that?"
"I think I am." She almost smiled. "I've said it before, but this time…it just…" Addison was having trouble wording her thoughts. Was it suddenly okay that Mark was dead? Was she happier today than she had been yesterday? Didn't she miss her husband anymore? What did it mean?
"It hurt less?" Bailey offered.
"Yes. I mean…I didn't even notice I had said it. I should notice, you know? I mean, it's not an ordinary thing to say…how on earth could I just say it so freely? What is the matter with me?" Addison was becoming worked up. She was afraid her tone was rising and that she was going to wake up Tuck. Bailey must have picked up on her friend's sudden distress, because she took her gently by the arm and guided her outside. She didn't let go until she had taken Addison into Callie's new room. The redhead sat on the unmade bed and took a deep breath.
"Addison, it's okay."
"It's not okay."
"Yes it is. It had to happen at some point."
"It's too soon. I shouldn't be doing this."
"Doing what?"
"This! Having a good time with my friends! Laughing and teasing you guys. I'm eating pizza and making jokes and now I hear music from downstairs. I shouldn't be doing this, I'm a widow."
"It's not too soon. And you're still grieving, but Addison, you're not dead. You're moving on. You're finally getting to the point where you can talk about Mark and be okay with it. That's a good thing."
"You think it is?" Addison asked in a small voice, facing Bailey as the shorter woman took a seat beside her.
"Yes it is. You're going to have to do it a lot with the little one if you want him to know his dad. This is good." Addison took another deep breath before attempting a smile.
"You're right. This is good. It's getting better. I'm getting better."
"Good girl."
"And sorry about the almost freak-out, I'm blaming the hormones."
"A good thing about pregnancy: you can get away with murder and blame the hormones." She laughed and her friend patted her on the knee before they stood and walked to the door.
"Miranda?" she asked as Bailey opened the door.
"Yeah?" Bailey asked, turning on the threshold to face her.
"Thank you. For everything. For being there for me and helping with the move. Just…thank you."
"No problem." Not the type to dwell on compliments, she nodded. They walked to the staircase. "Nice digs, by the way," Bailey complimented her friend as they made their way down the stairs.
"Thanks. But truth be told, I liked the penthouse better."
"Really? Why?"
"You better not run me into anything, Mark!" she threatened as they walked slowly, his hands covering her eyes. She knew this was a really romantic thing to do; he wanted her to be surprised when they crossed the threshold of their new penthouse. The place where the newl- engaged Mark Sloan and Addison Montgomery were going to spend the rest of their lives together. She loved him and she was insanely happy about this new adventure between them. Still, he could be quite clumsy, and she was terrified he would run her into a wall.
"Have a little faith in me!" he replied. "And if worse comes to worst, you do have the best plastic surgeon in the country at your beck and call."
"Okay, and that's supposed to be a relief how?"
"We're almost there, Addison. Just hang in there a little bit longer."
"Fine." She sighed and allowed him to keep guiding her. He made her stop after a few more steps, and she could hear him fumbling for his keys with the hand that wasn't covering her eyes.
"You could have used a blindfold, you know?" she pointed out.
"Yeah, well, I didn't think that far ahead. And stop telling me how to sweep you off your feet."
"Fine!" she answered curtly as he finally opened the door and guided her through it. "You're being so touchy! I'm just…!" Her tirade died in her throat as Mark finally removed his hand from her eyes. She was shocked, to say the least. Awed. He had asked her to move in with him two weeks ago. She had been surprised at how quickly he had managed to find a place for them, but as she looked around, she was beyond words. Somehow, he had managed not only to find the perfect place for them, but also the perfect furniture, accessories, everything. Everything about the beautiful penthouse screamed 'New York' and 'Mark and Addison.'
The house was decorated in off- white, so the room was full of light. Mark had clearly gone for a modern style that somehow also managed to make the place feel both elegant and warm. The black and white furniture provided beautiful contrast to the wood floors. She stepped slowly into her new living room, taking in the huge windows and the comfortable white couches in front of an enormous flat-screen TV. Part of the floor was covered with an inviting rug, and the standing lamps next to the couches made the arrangement just perfect.
"Oh, my god! Mark!" She finally managed to form words as she threw herself into her fiancé's arms. He was happy to receive her as Addison's legs snaked around his waist, pulling him closer as she kissed him long and hard.
"So, you approve?" he asked once their lips were parted, still a little out of breath and panting.
"Are you kidding me? Mark, this is beautiful!" She actually giggled, darting to the bedroom as soon as he put her down. "Oh God! The closet is huge!" she squealed, before becoming completely appalled with herself for acting like a teenager. She ran back into the living room, where Mark was now comfortably sitting on their new sofa.
"We needed someplace to put that insanely enormous collection of shoes you've got."
"The bed is beautiful! And I love that little breakfast table by the windows! And the bathroom! Mark, this place is incredible! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" She threw herself back into his arms, straddling his lap, showering him with soft kisses.
"I wanted this to feel like your home as soon as you came through the door." He grinned, his arms resting loosely around her waist, giving her the boyish grin that made her go weak in the knees. "I wanted us to be able to move in here right away without having to worry about the whole decorating thing for months…"
"How did you manage this, though? You got the place two weeks ago and it's already…perfect. How did you do it? You just bought the place two weeks ago, right?"
"Yeah. But…I kinda had the furniture already figured out."
"Seriously?" she asked, smiling as his cheeks became flushed.
"Kinda. The hotel is near this awesome décor place…I was thinking about proposing, and I figured we would move out of the hotel when you said yes…"
"'When?' I could have said no, you know?"
"Not a chance, you love me."
"Jerk." She laughed, unable to refute his claim.
"Anyway…" she smiled as he ignored her comment, "I just, you know, went in there one day. I got to looking at all the stuff they had in there. I fell in love with the bedroom set and I started figuring out what other pieces could be a match. I went into the store every so often to see if they had gotten what I had in mind until one day one of the sellers just begged me to tell him what I wanted so I would stop going there all the time 'just to look.' I told him what I had in mind and I told him about you. How beautiful and elegant you are, all classy and unique, and I think the guy actually got it, because he started looking for things for us. Whenever they got something he thought would be good for us, he would call me. So…"
"So, you put our place together." She smiled, blinking to stop the tears that was threatening to form in her eyes. He was so thoughtful…sometimes she had trouble connecting the image of the man-boy that slept around in New York with this Prince Charming who made her melt. Maybe they'd all finally grown up. Her smile grew as she truly realized that this time, it was good between them.
"I did. I wanted everything to be perfect for us. For you."
"It is. I love you, Mark." She leaned forward to kiss him again. Slowly this time, tasting his lips, letting him know that she was his. She did her best to convey how blessed she felt that she had him in his life and how committed she was to making it work between them. She wanted to convince him with her kiss that he was the only man she really wanted to be with and that she would spend the rest of her life trying to be the woman she wanted to be for him. She wanted Mark to know that she once again believed in soulmates and happily-ever-afters, and it was all because of him.
"I love you too," he answered when she pulled back. He cupped her cheek and kissed her forehead as she smiled contentedly.
"We're going to be so happy in here," she murmured before moving in to kiss him again.
"Because…it was home. It was our home."
"Addison, wherever you go, Mark's still in there somewhere. Even if you make a new home for yourself, Mark is there with you, okay?"
Addison just nodded. She knew that her friend was right, but she couldn't think of a response. Walking into the living room, she smiled. Roan had somehow managed to convince Adele to dance; she could tell her friend was rather taken with the brother, much to Richard's annoyance. Her mentor sat with his arms crossed as Roan dipped Adele in the middle of the room, causing the older woman to giggle like a schoolgirl. Callie was sitting beside him on the couch, obviously teasing him about his wife's interest in younger men. Preston and Tucker were laughing at something one of them had said, but both lifted their eyes as Miranda and Addison made their way back into the room. Tuck immediately went to his wife's side, and Burke walked right to Addison.
"You okay?" he asked.
"People just gotta stop asking me that." She laughed, trying to get back into a good mood.
"Sorry. Wanna dance?" he asked, motioning to Roan and Adele.
"Seriously?" she asked, clearly excited at the prospect.
"Come here." Addison grinned as her friend started swirling her around the room. She caught her brother's eye, and he winked at her, causing her to laugh and point at Adele gazing at him adoringly. He laughed back and turned his attention back to his dancing partner.
Miranda was right.
She was healing, and it was a good thing.
A
This was wrong. He was giving her space; she had all but begged him to give her space. He should be doing just that, like he had managed to do so far. Nevertheless, here he was now, sitting in his car outside her house, like a stalker in the night. Preston Burke had been the last one to leave the party, well after midnight. As far as he knew, Addison was accompanied only by Roan and Callie, both of whom he knew without a doubt would be more than ready to kick his behind.
She was leaving. He had to do this before she left…
He wanted to do this before she left. He wanted to talk to her again and remind her that he loved her. He wanted to tell her how much thought he was putting into becoming a better man for her. He wanted to make sure she knew he hadn't forgotten what he had told her. He needed her to know that he had meant every single word and the kiss he had stolen from her.
He wanted to show her he was changing because he loved her. Part of him wanted to believe that he could convince her to stay by just talking. He wanted to tell her what he was planning to do; he wanted to tell her about the trailer, so maybe she would stay because he was trying.
Then again, the last time he had promised her he was trying, things hadn't gone particularly well.
That's your problem, Shepherd, he thought to himself, you do one thing and you feel like you deserve a prize.
He had to leave. He had to leave before it was too late. Addison needed space and he wanted to give her space. He just couldn't bear the thought of her maybe forgetting him.
So…Derek was still sitting in his car, holding the stirring wheel with white knuckles. He felt like the most clichéd version of Hamlet…Come on, just decide! He had a choice to make: he could either start his car and leave, or he could get out, walk up the driveway and knock on the door.
He wanted to knock on her door; he needed to knock on her door.
But this wasn't about either what he wanted or needed; this was about Addison. Talking to him was hard on her at the moment. He didn't want to injure her peace of mind. He didn't want to be that selfish guy anymore.
I gotta get the hell out of here. He was going to become a better man even if it killed him. He took a deep breath and started his car, not even looking back at the house. He was about to change gears when a knock on his window made him turn.
Crap! He stopped the car and sighed. Of course this would happen. He was Derek, after all, there was no way in hell he was going to get a break! He opened the door of his car and climbed out.
"Roan," he greeted the taller man. His ex-brother-in-law was holding a trashbag in one hand and an empty bottle in the other, a mildly annoyed expression on his face.
"Are you kidding me?" Roan asked, raising his occupied hands.
"I was just leaving."
"You were stalking. That's plain creepy. You were stalking your ex-wife. What are you doing, Shepherd?"
"Having a little breakdown?" He tried to smile, but Roan just raised an eyebrow. The expression was one that Derek was extremely familiar with after years of knowing Addison.
"Dude…"
"I'm sorry, okay? I'm trying here! She wanted space, I'm giving her space!"
"I have the feeling that she meant more space than her front garden!"
"She's leaving for New York; she'll have plenty of space there!"
"Are you back to being an ass?" Derek sighed. The other man was right. He was not in any position to make claims or statements. The truth of the matter was that he had been about to make a huge mistake, and Roan had caught him in the act. He wasn't allowed to get mad. He had to explain.
"No. I'm sorry, you're right. I shouldn't be here. Did she…?"
"No, she didn't see you. She just turned in; it was kind of a big day."
"Yeah, I bet." Silence. Derek was more than ready to embrace the silence.
"What are you doing here?" So much for silence.
"I just…I was leaving. Okay? I was just leaving. She's being avoiding me and I have let her have her space. I have been doing what I told her I would! I've been thinking and changing and growing up. I've given her space while I become the man that she needs me to be. But today it just…it just hit me that she's leaving tomorrow, and I wanted to say good-bye. But we already said good-bye, so I just wanted to see her. I wanted to talk to her to make sure she knew I was still waiting on her. But I don't think she's strong enough for us to talk again yet. So…I want to knock on the door and talk to her, but I won't. I love her. So I'm going to get into my car and drive away. Because I love her." Derek prayed that his eyes weren't visibly filling; he'd never considered expressing his feelings a weakness, but he sure as hell didn't want to break down in front of Roan Montgomery!
"Okay," Roan answered, relenting.
"Okay," Derek sighed, "Okay." He turned to open the car door.
"She's been sick," Roan whispered. That got Derek's attention.
"What?" He immediately went into Doctor Mode.
"Morning sickness. She says it's normal."
"It is."
"Good. She's had a couple of really strong headaches and has been more tired than normal. Tough days."
"I bet." Derek didn't know what had gotten into the other man, but he didn't want to risk reminding Roan of his supposed hatred. He wanted to know more about Addison.
"Yeah. Emotionally, though, she's better. She's starting to digest everything. She's…she's moving forward. She still has a long way to go, but it's starting to feel like she's taking steps forward."
"Good."
"Tomorrow morning I'm talking her for her appointment."
"The one she missed?"
"Yeah. I just need to make sure she's fine before putting her on a plane. She's nervous, but I think she'll be okay."
"Don't hover. Give her breathing room. But remember she really needs you there to hold her hand. Just…you know…"
"Do it on her terms?"
"Yeah." Derek laughed.
"Yeah." Roan echoed. They were silent for a couple of minutes. Derek was about to suggest that Roan go back inside–he was afraid Addison would catch them–when the other man spoke again. "You broke her heart. I want to murder you."
"I know." Derek was surprised that he hadn't seen this coming, but he didn't fight it. As far as he could tell, Roan had every right to have his say.
"You abandoned her. I would call her and she was always alone. You were at the hospital and she would always try to convince me that she was okay, that you just worked a lot. I knew she was always trying to hide that she had been crying when I called her."
"Why didn't you come to kick my ass?"
"Honestly? I was about ready to do it but then I called and she seemed…better. She didn't talk about you but she seemed better. I didn't realize then…"
"What? What didn't you realize?"
"She had started hanging out with Mark. She was no longer alone. You had given up on her but she had Mark to make her laugh. Had I known what would happen next…hell, I should have known. I should have hopped on a plane and taken her with me."
"She's not a little kid anymore, Roan. You can't protect her from her life. She wouldn't have gone with you; we were married."
"I know. But I should've been there."
"I should've been there, too," Derek muttered.
"I regret that I wasn't there for her when she needed me. But you? You hurt her on purpose. Why?"
"I don't know. I took everything out on her, I guess, all my frustrations…I figured it was easier hating her than hating myself. It didn't really work," Derek admitted. He could feel the guilt and shame setting on his shoulders again. There were so much regret between him and Addison…but he could make it better. He had to believe that he could make it better, that there was still hope.
"I don't know if she should trust you."
"I don't know either. I hope she'll be able to trust me again, though. I'm trying, Roan. I'm really trying."
"I know. If you're really trying, you need to get into your car and drive away before she sees you again and has a breakdown."
"Right." Derek got into his car.
"Derek?" Roan called before he had a chance to leave, "Keep working on becoming a man half worthy of her. She loves you and you love her. But remember, she's gone through a lot in these last few years. You've put her through a lot. She's healing, and she's trying so hard to be okay; you don't get to screw that up. And while you're working on yourself, remember she's not the whole package here. You need to be a man who can actually be a good partner for her, but you also have to be a man that my nephew can look up to."
"I know."
"No, you don't. A baby means you don't come first ever again. A baby means that if you hurt Addison, you are costing Matt his mother and his stability. If she lets you into the baby's life, it's a gift. Don't mess it up again, because this time, I'm going to stick around. You make her cry one more time…you're dealing with me." The look on Roan's face didn't leave Derek any doubt that he was more than ready to make good on his threat. He didn't blame him; he would do the same if a man treated any of his sisters as badly as he had treated Addison.
"I won't mess this up. I know what I stand to lose this time." Roan nodded curtly and Derek was about to leave when he had an idea. "Roan?"
"Yeah?" Derek reached for a brown envelope in the backseat of his car. He had to give Addison her space…but he also wanted to make her feel loved. He may not be there to see her face or plead his case, but she would understand. Maybe she would even smile. That was all he needed. "Give it to her. After you board the plane." Roan took the envelope but eyed it cautiously.
"Am I going to regret giving it to her?"
"No. I promise." Finally, Roan nodded.
"See ya, Shepherd."
"Take care of her, Montgomery." Derek turned on his car and left Addison's street. It hurt not being able to hold her in his arms. He was missing out on precious time with her, but he had to. Addison would leave, and he would not be there to kiss her good-bye or remind her he loved her, but it didn't matter. The envelope would make sure she knew. And by letting her be, he knew he was one step closer to being the man Roan described. The man he wanted to be.
A
"Are you ok over there?" Izzie Stevens asked as Addison lay anxiously on the examination table. Her young student was looking at her like she was having the time of her life, having Addison at her mercy for once. Izzie had an evil grin on her face, and Addison felt proud that she was teaching her so well.
"This side of the table is not a lot of fun," Addison muttered, earning a laugh from Roan. Her brother had woken her up at 7:00 A.M. with her clothes in one hand and crackers in the other. She had accepted the crackers and gone to her closet to pick out something for herself; there was no way Addison Forbes Montgomery-Sloan was going to get caught wearing something that a boy had picked. They had left the house around 8:00, leaving Callie snoring away. Her suitcases were completely packed, all her belongings were in order–she was actually ready to catch her plane. Said plane was leaving that very same afternoon. She knew there were a thousand things regarding the trip she should be worrying about, but right that second, all she could think about was the small baby growing in her belly and what was going on in the exam room.
"I'll spare you the cold jelly speech." Izzie smiled at her as Addison nodded. She couldn't help but gasp when the jelly made contact with her skin. Immediately Roan walked closer to her and took her hand in his. She knew that she had no reason to be concerned yet, but she was still holding her breath from nervousness. She was about to see her baby, and she knew if something was not right, there was no way on earth she was going to be able to deal with it. After the life she had had, she deserved her child to be okay.
"Addie, look!" Roan's excited voice pulled her out of her thoughts. She was avoiding looking directly at the screen in front of her; she'd never imagined that this whole process would be so nerve-wracking. Right then, she promised herself to be even kinder to her expectant mothers from now on. She took a deep breath and faced the monitor.
She was immediately out of breath.
The high-resolution 3D image in front of her was quite possibly the most beautiful thing she had ever laid eyes upon. She could see quite clearly her child's small body, and she was suddenly shocked anew with the realization that there was a whole person inside of her. Her eyes went immediately to where the small head was, and she couldn't help the tears that fell down her cheeks as she saw the outline of his face. His little arms went to cover his face, making her laugh through her tears.
"Someone's shy," Izzie commented. Addison barely registered her words, too busy trying to memorize every single detail of her baby's body.
"He's really in there," she heard her voice whispering. Not a second passed before both Izzie and Roan began to snicker.
"And I bring to you the foremost neonatal specialist in the country."
"Don't blame her." Roan laughed, "I was scared it would turn out to have horns and a tail too."
"Not funny, guys!" she protested, her eyes never breaking contact with the screen.
"Okay," Izzie was suddenly all business, "here it is. No abnormal bleeding, no ovarian or placental abnormalities. Let's check the heartbeat." Without missing a beat, Izzie turned on the volume of the sonogram machine, and a steady and strong heartbeat filled the room.
"Oh my God…" This time Roan was the one choking up, and Addison felt his fingers tighten even more around hers.
"Heartbeat's good, great movement too. Everything looks great so far."
"It's perfect," Addison muttered, "He's perfect."
"And you'll be glad to know he is indeed a he." Izzie smiled at Addison, who nodded. Thank you for letting him be a boy. Mark wanted a boy. Addison laughed out loud when Roan started complaining that he couldn't see a thing, and it took Izzie about five minutes to get him to see that he was going to have indeed a nephew.
"I guess there's a reason you're the doctor in the family," he muttered, dropping a gentle kiss on Addison's forehead. "He's so beautiful."
"Yeah." She was still so in awe that she didn't even bother to point out that Roan was having problems distinguishing the baby's head from his feet. Whether he could see it or not, Roan was right. The baby was beautiful. If she tried hard enough, she was sure she could convince herself that he looked like Mark, even though the doctor in her knew that distinguishing individual features that closely wasn't possible yet.
Izzie allowed her to gaze adoringly at her son for a while longer before handling her some paper towels to clean off her stomach and turning the machine off. Addison was given a CD with her son's first video and a couple of pictures of the ultrasound; Roan insisted that he needed his own copy, and Izzie good-naturedly indulged him. Addison took a while longer saying good-bye to her young protégé. Izzie looked rather terrified about losing her mentor, but Addison assured her she was more than ready to break out on her own. With a hug and a promise that she was always just a phone call away, Addison and Roan finally left and made their way to the parking lot.
"So…Matt." Roan smiled, opening the passenger's door of Addison's car for her to get in.
"Yep. Matt."
"How do you feel, Addie?"
She smiled and looked him straight in the eyes. "I feel like we're gonna make it."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I can't wait for him to get here."
"Good. Congratulations, baby sister." She laughed and kissed him on the cheek. She was feeling, for the first time in long weeks, that she really had something to feel lucky about.
"Let's go home." She got into the car and waited for him to take the driver's seat. Roan turned the car on and started back to her house.
She was having a son.
A
Derek Shepherd was sitting at his desk, trying to figure out which God he had actually pissed off. Addison was leaving; she was probably already at the airport. So, in order to avoid repeating his actions from the day before, he had decided to stay at the hospital, hoping maybe a case would keep him busy and he wouldn't notice the hour Addison's plane took off.
No such luck.
He was a kind man; he was a good man. He was raised a good Irish-Christian boy, taught from an early age to love his fellow man. He was not a monster. He was a good man, a healer.
But he was ashamed to admit he was halfway hoping that someone would come into the hospital needing immediate brain surgery. He was a good man, but he was more than a little bit resentful that the one quiet night at Seattle Grace Hospital in recent memory was the one night that he seriously needed a distraction.
He was fidgeting again; he couldn't help his feet from moving and his fingers were tapping rhythmically on his desk. He cleared his throat just to hear the noise. He turned back to the clock. 8:37 P.M. If he tried, he could make it to the airport–traffic rules weren't all that important. He could make a last-ditch attempt at groveling at Addison's feet and begging her to stay. He would have to choose his words carefully, though; He figured he wouldn't have much time to talk before Roan punched his teeth in. But he could probably make it count…
No!
"Seriously man, what are you thinking!" he mumbled to himself, throwing his head back and covering his face with his hands. Damn it! What was he supposed to do, count the minutes until she got the hell out of his life?
It was not fair. He finally knew what he wanted out of his life and it had turned out to be the thing he had already given up. He'd realized way too late in the game that Addison was the person he was always meant to be with. If he had figured things out when Addison had first come to Seattle Grace, she would have been ecstatic to have their marriage back. Truth be told, he thought she would have taken him back even those few first months after the divorce…then again, Mark was in the picture then, so he perhaps not.
But he hadn't been ready before. Now he was, but it didn't do him any good. Because the thing he wanted to do was the only thing he couldn't do. He wanted to drive towards the airport, get her out of the plane itself if needed, and make her stay with him, because he loved her and he wanted her.
Sadly, one thing Derek Shepherd was starting to realize about himself was that he could be an incredibly selfish man.
Addison didn't want the whole movie ending. She didn't want to chased after in some airport, and she didn't want him to make a declaration that would make everyone at the airport cheer and clap as they kissed passionately.
The only thing Addison wanted was time to heal.
And even if it killed him, Derek would give it to her.
"I didn't think I would find you here." Derek raised his head and found Richard Webber and Preston Burke standing in the doorway.
"Where did you think I would be?" he asked, not even trying to hide the tiredness and frustration in his voice.
"Running over some poor idiot standing in your way to the airport," Preston answered as he entered after Richard.
"Giving grief to some innocent clerk attempting to explain to you that Addison had already boarded the plane and you couldn't get in without a ticket," Richard offered as both men sat on the couch. Derek smiled sadly and walked over to them, pulling a chair in front of them and sitting in it.
"So, you're here on Derek-watch? Making sure I don't give in to my impulses and stop her?"
"Partly. Most of all, though, we're here to bring you this." Preston presented him with an unopened bottle of scotch. Richard was already busy setting the glasses as Preston undid the cork.
"You guys are here to get me drunk."
"We're here to be your friends," Richard admonished.
"Don't bother, Richard. He doesn't have many guy friends, so this is new to him." Derek laughed out loud this time as his mentor handed him a glass.
"Just for the record, I was doing fine convincing myself not to run after her."
"I bet you were," Richard mumbled. The three men remained in silence, drinking for a few minutes.
Derek figured his friends were waiting to take their cue from him as to what to do next. "She went just with Roan?" he asked. Everyone knew that he was thinking about Addison, so there was no point in trying to avoid the subject. And he truthfully wanted to know; he wanted to make sure that everything was happening in a way that would spare her feelings.
If you had remembered to spare her feelings while you two were married, you wouldn't be going through this. Derek shook his head, trying to hush the bitter voice inside of his brain.
"Torres and Bailey gave them a ride." Burke answered. "Everyone else said their good-byes at the house; no one wanted to get in the middle of the girl bonding."
"That's good. She's got her girlfriends. That's good."
"Yeah." Preston nodded.
Silence again.
It was better that way; Derek needed the silence. But he couldn't deny that it was good to have both these men at his side. Maybe if he had been a little bit less selfish, he would have noticed this too: he had good friends, wonderful people who stayed by his side without even having to be asked. He prayed to God he hadn't been too self-absorbed to notice when they needed him. That was another thing he promised himself to work on.
I hate it when Roan's right he thought to himself. Both Montgomerys were right; he was not yet the man who was fit to act as Matthew's father. I'll get there.
"I really love her," he muttered, feeling the tears that were threatening to fall down his cheeks.
"We know, Derek. We know." He heard Preston's soft assurance and felt Richard's hand landed on his shoulder when he couldn't keep up his façade anymore and buried his face in his hands.
A
Addison took a deep breath as she sat in her comfortable airplane seat. This was really happening; she was going back to New York. Roan was sitting by her side, fussing with his seatbelt; she had insisted on having the window seat, and he had decided indulging her was easier than arguing. She looked through the window, taking her last glance at a city she had arrived despising and had ended up loving…okay, maybe 'loving' was too strong a word, but Seattle had certainly grown on her. And she and Mark had been happy there, even though it had been for too short a time.
Miranda and Callie had driven them to the airport, and she had said good-bye to them just before boarding the plane. She couldn't blame just the hormones for the tears that fell down her cheeks, though. They were her Seattle girlfriends; she had somehow managed to make friends! The only true friends she had ever had had been a whole lot more like her…Callie and Miranda were incredibly different from Savvy and Naomi, but they had become family to her nonetheless. And she had no doubt they were going to miss her too! Callie had been a crying mess the entire time, and even Bailey's eyes shined with moisture that of course the shorter woman claimed was only the result of allergies.
And now here she was.
She had left her friends behind. She had left her old life behind. Even if she didn't like the idea…she was starting to leave Addison Forbes Montgomery-Sloan behind. At least she won't be alone in Seattle. She'll have Addison Forbes Montgomery-Shepherd to keep her company. She shook the self-deprecating thought out of her head. The Addison she was now was still Mark's wife, but turned into Mark's widow. She had to learn to be herself, by herself, again; then, she had to become a good enough mother for Matt. Only then would she be ready to integrate her former selves into the equation.
"Ready?" Roan asked as he turned to face her.
"As ready as I'll ever be."
"You'll be okay, kid. I'm here now; we'll be okay."
"I know." She smiled, feeling very much like a four-year-old in awe of her brother's tree-climbing capabilities again.
"I have something for you, though."
"Presents? Gimme!" she teased him, making a point of clapping her hands as he rolled his eyes.
"No." Roan shook his head and seemed to grow more somber as he pulled an envelope from his briefcase. He handed it to Addison; she searched for a name or address, but found neither. She turned to look at him quizzically. "What is this?"
"Derek," her eyes went back to the envelope upon hearing her ex-husband's name as Roan continued, "gave this to me, wanted me to give it to you once we were on the plane."
"What is it?"
"I don't know. He promised that it won't get him murdered, so I guess it's probably a good thing. Open it." He whispered the last part. Addison felt like her heart was going to burst from her chest. "Addie, open it," Roan prompted her again, and she nodded. She had been surprised that Derek had somehow managed to stay clear from her after their last talk…and the kiss…but she wasn't thinking of the kiss. He had respected her wishes, and she appreciated that. It had given her the opportunity to say good-bye to her friends properly and to make some sense of her last days in Seattle.
She had to know what was in the envelope.
With shaky hands she opened it. She pulled out and unfolded what looked like a stack of papers. Opening them, she was faced with a series of drawings she recognized immediately as Derek's handiwork.
"What's that?"
"It's a plan. This is…" realization came to Addison, "this is Derek's land." She stared at the first drawings of what looked like a cabin. A small cabin. From what she could see in the floor plans, the house had just two bedrooms, a living room/dining room, a kitchen and one bathroom. It was in a rustic style, but rather cozy. At the front of the house was a small deck with a swinging chair for two, and by the side of the house was the trailer. She smiled.
"I don't get it. You have a house," Roan commented, inspecting the drawings more closely.
"This isn't a house. It's a cabin. It's a vacation cabin; there's no offices, no library, no guest rooms. It's just…"
"For you guys. Two rooms; that's one for you two and one for Matt. Check this out." Roan handed her another drawing. It looked like the inside of the trailer, but it looked nothing like she remembered it. Inside, Derek had attempted to draw some toys, a little table with little chairs, a rug on the floor and bookshelves against the walls. She realized he had remodeled the trailer into a playroom.
"This is for Matt," she whispered, tears threatening to fall down her face again.
"Yeah, and look," he showed her another drawing, "there's another hammock, and a mini-track in case he turns out to be a bike-fan like his dad. And a couple of ropes, here in the tree…I think you're right, this is a vacation spot."
"This is for a family," she whispered, more to herself than to Roan.
"Well…now you know where his mind is at."
"Yeah." Addison couldn't help but smile. She was nowhere ready to be a part of what Derek was thinking yet. But it felt good that he was trying to be a part of her life. It felt good that he was thinking about her happiness and her son's. It felt good that he wanted to be included. It felt good that he was willing to make his precious trailer into a space that Matt could enjoy with them. But most of all, she thought as the plane started moving, she loved that he wasn't giving up.