Chapter XIII
Derek Shepherd stared at the construction workers building on his land.
A part of him had wanted to build the whole thing himself, to show Addison that this project was so close to his heart that he felt it could only be built properly by his hands. But he couldn't really do that. He was a practical man, and he knew that time was working against him.
Addison had been gone for a little over four months now, and he couldn't deny that he missed her like crazy. He missed the time he wasn't spending with her, and he also missed everything that he hadn't gotten a chance to experience with her. He had been looking forward to helping her through her pregnancy, and now he was missing everything he had wanted to be a part of so badly. But he figured that if he finally managed to turn his life around and convince her to come back to Seattle, it would be worth it. If he got Addison to give him another chance, he would have her and Matthew for the rest of his life, because he was never going to let her go again.
Derek figured the easiest way to start was with the new house and the trailer. He had thought it would be difficult to give up a space he had fought for so fiercely. But it had turned out that it was easier than he had thought. After all, how could a piece of land and a box on wheels compare to Addison? The trailer had already served its purpose; it had been exactly what he had needed once upon a time. Now, though, if everything turned out as he hoped, that trailer would have a whole new function, a more important one: it would be a place were Matt would be able to play and dream and grow up.
He couldn't wait to see Matt running to his own little play room, probably screaming like a madman all the way if he was anything like his father.
He could also imagine sitting with Addison on their deck, their small cabin behind them, smiling at the small child.
It was so picture-perfect that sometimes Derek was too afraid to hope for that much. But he could feel in his heart that Addison had felt something when he kissed her; he had been able to read in Addison's eyes that a little bit of the love they had shared still existed. If there was the smallest chance that he could have that again, Derek Shepherd was going to put up the fight of his life.
He tried again to give a small instruction to the head worker, but the man growled at him. Derek couldn't even blame the poor fellow; he knew he was driving everyone crazy. He was rather sure he had heard them cheer when he had been called to an emergency at the hospital. He just wanted everything to be perfect. But he could always make any changes he wanted himself, later on. And truth be told, the team was doing an amazing job of bringing Derek's vision to life.
He had spoken only three times with Addison since she left. He tried not to be upset by the infrequency of their contact; at least she was talking to him again. The first call had come a week after she had left. She had been so anxious; he could hear it in her voice. She had apologized for running away but had assured him she had made the right call. Still, she had been mortified about hurting him. Derek had managed to put on a brave façade and assured her that he understood and that the only thing he'd ever wanted was for her to be happy. That had been easy; it wasn't a lie at all. They had fallen into an easy conversation as Addison described New York as though they hadn't lived there together, and he had smiled at her excitement over being back in 'her city,' as she called it. That was the thing he remembered the most about that conversation: she had been happy. She had been excited and hopeful, and he had finally understood why he'd had to let her go. She had needed the change, and now she sounded more like Addison than she had since Mark's death. He had been tempted to make her promise to call him frequently, but he reminded himself for the umpteenth time that he was not going to pressure her at all. She had probably sensed his hesitation, because she proceeded to explain that she would only call once in a while.
::I won't forget, okay? Don't think for a minute I will forget about you, Derek. I just need time.::
Her words reassured him immediately, and he promised not to be upset if she didn't call as often as he would have liked.
Her second call had come three weeks after that. She remained in good spirits and assured him that she was rather enjoying her second trimester now that the morning sickness was blissfully gone. She did confirm she was feeling more tired lately and that her back and boobs were starting to hurt a little bit.
::Come on, Addie! Do I really need to know if your boobs hurt?::
She had laughed his comment off and continued to talk about how everything was going great, the ultrasounds showed everything was normal and the amniocentesis had gone wonderfully; he could actually hear the laughter in her voice. He had finally told her to come out with it already and tell him what had her so insanely happy.
::I felt him Derek. I felt Matt. He fluttered.::
Derek had not been ready for the surge of emotions that coursed through him at her words. Everything abruptly became even more real. Even though he had not been there to feel it, even if Mark hadn't been there to feel it, Addison had. And suddenly Matt was even more of a reality. He had joined in her laughter and asked for all the details she could give him. She had told him that she had been lunching in the living room, watching some old movie, and all of a sudden she felt butterflies in her stomach. For a moment she had been worried that something was wrong…
::You're an OB!::
::Shut up, Derek! It's totally different from this side!::
Then she had realized what she was feeling, she said. She made an offhand remark about how Roan would freak when he found out. Derek felt a knot in his throat again.
::You haven't told your brother yet?::
::No, Rory went to the store. I was craving peaches. He's going to flip when I tell him…::
::Addie:: Derek cut her off gently, ::Have you told anyone yet?::
::Derek, it happened like five minutes ago.::
::I'm the first person you called?::
There were no words that could explain how touched and honored he had felt. When Addison felt her son move for the first time, she had thought of Derek first. It made having to give her space feel almost worth it.
::You were the person I wanted to tell.::
Her answer had been so simple, like it was the most logical thing in the world for her to call her ex-husband when her child with her second husband was fluttering. He loved that she felt it was so reasonable and normal. He felt like she was letting him in again.
The third time, though, had left him a little worried. It had taken her about four weeks to call again, which meant that she was officially twenty-two weeks pregnant. She sounded very tired, and while she tried to chalk it up to the pregnancy, he had read enough on the subject to know that she was supposed to have more energy in the second trimester. She had grudgingly admitted to being uncomfortable. Her ankles were beginning to swell and she had experienced some cramping. She had assured him that it was not abnormal, but he worried nonetheless. She had tried to change the subject to something happier: Matt had continued kicking, and the soft flutter in her belly was becoming stronger by the day.
Something in her voice, though, had convinced him she was more tired than she let on, so he made her promise to rest more and take her vitamins. She had been mildly annoyed about been reprimanded like a child, but he was relentless. Finally, she laughed and caved in.
Derek was surprised when she brought up the land. She had never mentioned it before, though he knew Roan had given her his package. He had never mentioned it to her directly because of his newly found respect for the 'No Pressuring Addison' Rule.
::How's the trailer coming?::
::I…umh…fine so far. I've…I've got some people…working on the cabin too.::
::The cabin was beautiful.:: she commented wistfully.
::I'm so glad you liked it.::
::I loved it. But I was thinking…::
::Yeah?:: Derek had braced himself for the worst. This was it. Addison was going to tell him it had been too much, that she felt like he was forcing her hand again. He had taken a deep breath and waited expectantly for her to go on.
::Isn't the lake dangerous? I mean, it's so close…what if Matt crawls there…?:: Derek had been ready to dance of happiness at her question.
::We'll keep an eye on him!:: he assured her rapidly, ::And I can make a fence, make sure he has no way to get into the lake without either of us.::
::Good.:: Addison proclaimed happily. Derek wanted to ask a million questions. Was she thinking about coming back? Was she thinking about getting back together? Had she realized she still loved him? What was going to happen between them? Luckily, he guessed, he had been unable to stun her with his storm of questions. She had apologized and told him she had a headache and was going to lie down for a few minutes. He assured her that it was all right, that she should rest as much as needed.
What he guessed Addison didn't know was that Roan called him, usually once a week. Addison's brother had made it a point to keep him updated.
::I can't risk you showing your idiot face here,:: was Roan's explanation. Derek didn't care what motivated the other man to keep him posted; he was just glad to be informed.
As a result, he had learned that Addison was having a more difficult time than she admitted. Roan told him that she was having Braxton-Hicks contractions, which apparently weren't pleasant. He had also been concerned about her lack of energy, but given her age, some difficulties were to be expected. As long as the baby was okay, she assured her brother, everything would be all right.
That had done nothing to calm Derek down, but Roan insisted that he should let them handle it and worry about his own problems instead.
::That is, if you still want to have a chance in hell of getting my sister back.::
God, Derek wanted that chance. He felt confident that his chance was coming. All he had to do was keep on as he had been. He was working on his issues, Addison was uncomfortable but healthy, Matt was fine…it felt like everything was coming together.
As he took one last glance at the cabin and the trailer before heading to the hospital, he remembered Addison's questions about the land…she was already envisioning herself and Matt living in Seattle. Knowing that, Derek knew everything would be completely worth it.
A
"So how's the cabin thing coming along?" Derek did a double-take as Callie Torres and Miranda Bailey put their trays on the table he was sharing with Preston Burke and sat down. Lately, he'd made a point of working on his friendships. He had friends in Seattle, Preston and Richard, but he knew that mostly they just played audience to whatever drama was going on in his life. Friendship was supposed to be give-and-take, not just 'Listen to Derek whine.' So he had spent more time listening to his friends. So far, he had learned that Richard and Adele were doing stronger than they had in years, so much so that Adele was very close to convincing Richard to take a week off and fly to Italy for a romantic second honeymoon. From Preston, he had learned more than he'd ever thought possible about how infuriating Cristina Yang could be. He had tried to be nice and assured Preston that relationships took a lot more than a couple of years to be perfect. Derek had even told some horror stories about the beginning of his relationship with Addison. He had been surprised and proud at how he could talk about her with happiness instead of bitterness or longing. He was happy--he knew Addison was in his future, so he was happy.
"Hello, ladies." Preston offered them a smile, but they didn't seem interested in his greetings. Bailey pointed at Derek with his fork.
"Spill it, Shepherd. How's the cabin?"
"Why the sudden interest?" He tried to annoy them. He loved annoying people.
"Because we really do care about your dexterities as a woodman. Why do you think we care?" Callie jumped in sarcastically.
"Seriously," Bailey said, "You're supposed to be a brain surgeon?"
"So Addison put you up to spying on me?" He tried to ask casually, knowing all the time that his excitement was shining right through.
"Not exactly," Callie answered, "She did mention your drawings and she was curious about how it was coming along. She didn't tell us to spy on you."
"Although she did want us to make sure you didn't forget about the lake thing."
"Lake thing?" Preston asked.
Derek smiled, remembering his last conversation with Addison. "Yeah, she was worried. With the lake being so close to the cabin and the trailer, she was concerned that it would be dangerous for Matt, you know, when he starts crawling around." He grinned, imagining a mini-Mark trying to crawl and walk around, Derek and Addison chasing after him.
"Really? So she has agreed to move back here? With you?" Preston asked again. Derek could tell how surprised his friend was that the topic hadn't come up earlier. You were the one who told me I was self-centered, Burke! I'm not anymore, so take that!
"I don't know. She just asked about how the trailer was coming and told me about the lake. That was it. She didn't tell me she would come, and I didn't ask her. I just built the fence, which you guys can tell her, by the way." He addressed the last part to Callie and Bailey. Both of them were nodding, actually looking proud. They thought he had done well! Derek didn't claim to understand women, but he did know earning brownie-points with the girlfriends was important. He couldn't count how many times he'd had to help Naomi redecorate her kitchen or chauffer Savvy around when Weiss was out of town. He didn't mess with the girl-rules anymore; it was easier to just do as they said.
"Maybe you're not so stupid after all." Miranda Bailey gave him the backhanded compliment as she took a bite from her turkey sandwich. Derek smiled as Callie and Burke burst out laughing.
"How's Addison doing anyway?" Burke asked. Derek could have kissed him. He had been dying to get the details on Addison's calls with her friends but didn't want to seem nosy.
"She hasn't called you?" Callie asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yeah, but that was like three weeks ago," Burke answered, and Derek tried not to be miffed at the fact that Addison had last called him five weeks ago. He knew she was just being more careful about him; still, he missed her voice.
"Well, she last called me a week ago," Bailey said.
"Me too," Callie put in, and Derek could see both women were surprised that they hadn't gotten more calls from her. That alone was enough to get Derek to worry. Was she okay? Roan's last call had been last week; he was expecting another any day now. Roan would have called if something was wrong, right?
"She did sound pretty beat the last time I talked to her," Burke offered, noticing the grim faces around the table.
"Yeah, totally. She told me she was still waiting for that 'second trimester rush' to kick in." Callie laughed. "But you know Addison, she's probably not resting enough. Gotta get that boy anything Armani ever did for babies."
"I remember when I was pregnant with Tuck. There were times when I would've done anything to not get out of bed," Bailey commented.
"Yeah, poor thing is probably just exhausted." Callie said, looking straight at Derek. He smiled, grateful at her attempts to calm him down.
"She's like…what? Twenty-five weeks along?" Burke asked.
"Twenty-seven," Derek muttered.
"Right. She'll probably call soon enough," Burke assured them.
"Yeah. She's so excited she can't help herself, she's gotta call people and gush about her 'Mattie.'" Callie laughed.
The conversation continued easily, and Derek was genuinely grateful to have other people priesent. He was making friends, he was mending fences. As worried as he was about Addison, he knew his friends were probably right. She would be calling soon because something new happened with Matt, and they would talk, and he would tell her about the fence.
Everything was coming together.
A
The rest of the day passed by rather calmly. No emergency surgeries or inoperable tumors that afternoon. He actually had time to go over his charts; they were starting to pile up again. He called a couple of times to check on the cabin, but he had a feeling that the contractor was no longer taking his calls.
Derek was sometimes unsettled by the content feeling that settled upon him these days. He was actually enjoying his life. No more drama, just hopes and dreams and plans. He guessed this was what his mother had always tried to tell him.
"Life is better when you live it, Derek. Stop letting it just happen to you.'
She was right.
He was making a life, and he felt like he would actually get a happily ever after.
Still, he couldn't shake his worry over Addison. He hoped she would call again soon. He didn't even need her to call him; as long as she called one of her friends to let them know she was okay, he would be glad.
He needed something to get that idea out of his head. Otherwise, he would end up calling her and destroying all the progress he had made in the past weeks. Plus, maybe there was nothing to worry about. Maybe she was just busy and, hopefully, Roan would be calling tonight to let him know how Addie was doing.
He was getting annoyed by all the people walking around him, but he didn't want to go to his office either. People would know he was there and probably interrupt him. What he really wanted to do was finish his charts, have a little 'Derek-time.' He decided to finish his work in one of the on-call rooms. He could always take a nap, anyway.
He walked to the nearest on-call room and opened the door. He situated himself in the lower bunk of the bed on his right and took a deep breath, smiling as he piled his charts by his side.
He was having a decent day.
That ended the moment he noticed the person staring at him from the bunk across the room.
"Meredith," he whispered, cursing his luck for letting him wander to the on-call room she happened to be occupying. He and Meredith hadn't really talked to each other since they broke up. They weren't avoiding each other--he was still the young doctor's teacher, and he did his best to encourage her just as he did his other students. Still, they had limited their conversations to the professional.
But there was no way to run without making the situation even more awkward. It had been a long time, months, since they'd broken up. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise, his chance to make amends. Meredith had been an important part of his life, he'd never denied that. It would be good – for both of them – to become friends.
"Derek," she answered, suddenly finding her hands mesmerizing in her attempt to avoid his eyes.
"So…" he decided to go for it, "How's it going?" Did I actually just ask her 'How's it going?' I haven't spoken to the woman in forever and all I can come up with is 'How's it going?'
"It's…going…fine. It's going fine." Meredith was still not looking at him.
"Good. That's good. Any good…cases, today?"
"Not really. Neuro is having a slow day," she replied. And I should know that, since I'm the head of the department and all…
"Right." Silence. Maybe the silence wasn't so bad.
"How are you, Derek?" she suddenly asked, surprising him.
"I'm…I'm fine."
"Really? I heard about Addison."
"What about Addison?" He was immediately on edge. Had something happened?
"That she left." He sighed in relief when Meredith answered.
"Oh. Right. She went back to New York for a while. After everything with Mark, she needed to put some distance between herself and Seattle.
"Ah. I thought she had moved back for good."
"No." He couldn't help the smile that appeared on his face. "She's…I think she's coming back. I hope she comes back soon. Hopefully she'll come back before Matt is born."
"So… you and her…? Are you like…a couple, now?" Derek could see how hard it was for Meredith to ask that question. He would never forgive himself for hurting her, but he knew he had done the right thing. There was no getting around it: he was still in love with Addison. Still, Meredith's question was a complicated one. Was he Addison's boyfriend? Was he going to be her husband again? Were they officially back together? Unofficially? Who was he in Addison and Matt's lives? Who was he going to be when she came back to Seattle?
"I…" he started, "I don't…" He didn't know what to answer, except for the answer he had given this very same woman a long time ago. "She's family. We're family." There was no truer way to explain his relationship with Addison.
"You keep saying that. But you haven't been, not for years, even before you came to Seattle."
"What?" he asked, surprised.
"Yeah. When she first showed up, you hated her..."
"I never…"
"You acted like you did. And before that, she said you were absent. And then there was Mark. And here, there was Mark again and then a baby. And now that Mark's gone, she needs family and her brother comes. And then she left to the other side of the country to be with her family, and you're left behind here. So, how can you guys actually still count as 'family?'"
"We just do. Mark, Addison and I were always a family. Just because we screwed up and hurt each other…that doesn't change the fact that we were family."
"Then why is she gone?" The tears in Meredith's eyes were threatening to spill over, but her words had upset him so much that he couldn't bring himself to feel sorry.
"Because she went through hell, all right? She had to go so that she can be Addison again! She needs to learn to live without Mark before…"
"She lives with you again? Is that it, Derek? You're waiting for her to come back to you with a baby in her arms, and all of a sudden you get this instant family?"
"Don't! Leave the baby out of this! It's not about me wanting to steal Mark's family!"
"Then what is it about, Derek? You left me for her and she left you! She doesn't want you and I did. I wanted you. I loved you. I would have given you that family you seem to care so much about. What were we doing all the time that we were together? The moment Mark is out of the picture you dumped me and went running back to her. What were you doing? Waiting for Mark to disappear?"
"You have no idea what you're talking about! No idea!"
"Then explain it to me, Derek! What did I ever mean to you?" Meredith was crying now, and Derek had to blink back some tears of his own.
"Meredith…I'm so sorry I did this to you. I know I don't deserve it, but you have to believe me. I really saw myself living with you for the rest of my life. But what Addison and I have…I can't just forget it. I don't know how to explain it better than saying we're family, but we really are. When I was with you, it was only about us. I never longed for Addison when we were together. I was in love with you, I just didn't stay in love with you forever like we both hoped I would."
"I know…" She sniffled, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry I said all that. I just…"
"It's okay. You have every right to be mad at me for what I did. But I hope you can find a way not to hate Addie or the baby…"
"I don't. I've always liked Addison, and I can't hate an unborn baby. I guess I'm just feeling what she did when she first moved here. I know it's not her fault, but I'm still mad at her, even though she didn't do a thing to me…it's quite frustrating." She attempted a watery smile, which he answered with one of his own.
"Yeah."
"I should go."
"No, you were here first. I'll go." She nodded, and he gathered his things and stood up. He stopped before opening the door, turning slowly back to face her, "I want us to be friends, Meredith. I'll always love you, and I want to be your friend."
"I want you to be my friend, too."
"But it's too soon, isn't it?" he asked sadly.
"Yeah… I need more time. I'm sorry, but I can't be friends with you right now. But I'll get over it at some point, Derek, and I will want you back in my life."
"Good. I'll be around, then, just let me know. I'm sorry I tried too soon."
"I'm glad you did." They shared another smile, a sincere one this time.
"See you around, Doctor Grey," he said as he left.
"So long, Doctor Shepherd," he heard as he crossed the threshold.
A
"So," Derek started, sitting in the grass, his legs crossed, "I guess you're wondering what I'm doing here. I never come. I know, you think I'm lazy and I guess I am. Sorry, though, I should come more. I just hate these places…but you know that." This was really hard. Derek had made it a point to avoid cemeteries ever since his father died when he was a child. The only times he would actually go to his father's grave were when his mother insisted, usually on the anniversary of his death or on Charles Shepherd's birthday. Usually, he had the comfort of his family then, but now he was totally alone. THIS was something he had to do on his own. He sighed, looking once again at the headstone in front of him.
Mark Gregory Sloan
1966-2008
Husband, father, friend, healer.
He will be missed.
It seemed like forever since the last time he had been here. Somehow, Mark's funeral felt like it had happened a lifetime ago. But Addison wasn't the only one who had put off dealing with Mark's death. Occupied with his worries about Addison and Meredith and Matthew, Derek had never let it sink in that his best friend, his brother, had died.
So today he had driven up to the cemetery and was now sitting by Mark's grave, trying to find the words he wanted to say. All he could do was hope that, somewhere, Mark was listening.
"This…this whole road between us, it just doesn't feel done, you know? I mean, I know you're gone and I actually miss you like crazy, although I'll deny it. But…it just doesn't feel done. Doesn't feel like there's nothing left to say in our history." He took a white long-stemmed rose he had bought earlier and laid it on top of Mark's grave. He couldn't help but laugh.
"I know. I just bought you a rose. Can you believe that? If you were here, you'd mock me about it for years. At least it's white, though. I love you, dude, but red ones are just for chicks." He laughed again, knowing he had somehow slipped into the natural banter he had shared with Mark, once upon a time.
Once upon a time.
But this was now, and he was talking to himself, sitting by his best friend's grave.
"So, I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of changes too." Derek continued, "I've finally taken a really hard and long look at myself and you know what happened? I kinda didn't like me. So, I've made changes. You'll be happy to know I'm calling home more. Mom was thrilled, although she and the girls gave me an earful. I'm living in a hotel right now. I'm having some things done to the trailer and to the land. I'm just…making changes." Derek took a deep breath. It was ridiculous that he was feeling this nervous about going on. It wasnt' like Mark could punch him or something. Still, there was something difficult about the words that he needed to say now.
"I've made these changes for her. You know that I love her; you always knew that I was meant to be with her. You even tried to warn me so many times. I remember now all the times you told me to work on my marriage or that she needed me. I wish I had listened to you. If I had, everything would be different now. But besides the whole heartache, some good things came out of this whole ordeal. You got to marry her. You got to have a baby with her. It sucks that you died so soon, it sucks that you'll never get to meet your son, but at least he exists, you know?" Silence again. He knew what he wanted to say; he had known it for the longest time. But he was still scared, scared that he wouldn't manage to become as good a man as the one lying in the grave had been.
"So here's the thing. Addie's in New York. She left with Roan a few months ago. And before she left, I kinda told her I was in love with her. Which I know now was a really stupid thing to do, because she was dealing with your death and being a single mother. But you know me, right? I feel something important to me, I have to make it everyone's problem. I should have been a better man and waited until she was ready to move on…but I didn't, and now she's not really talking that much to me. Roan gives me updates from time to time, though. Can you believe that? Of all the people in the world, Roan Forbes Montgomery is the one to take pity on me. So I know she and the baby are doing okay." Derek was tempted to say Matt was okay, but he didn't know if Addison had actually come to Mark's grave and talked to him about the baby before leaving. He knew it was dumb, but he felt like he was not the person to give this information away. Matthew was Addison's and Mark's miracle, and he knew at some point she would come to the grave holding a beautiful child in her arms. Derek wouldn't interfere with Addison's relationship with Mark ever again. His job was to support her, no matter how she chose to deal with her life.
Today, what he was doing, was about them. Derek and Mark. He had come to lay everything on the table, to make peace with his brother, once and for all.
"Addison…she's still very much your wife. And the baby is always going to be your kid. I don't mean to come in the middle of that. You know my history; I can't say that I don't like the idea of having a stepson. I would be lying to you and to Addie. But I really love her. And I really love your baby. I'm willing to be the father-figure your boy's gonna need, but I will never ever let him forget for a second that he's a Sloan. I want to help Addie make sure your baby knows how much you wanted him and how happy you were about him. And I'm sorry that I'm here now and you're not, I'm sorry that I'm asking to somehow take your place with your family, but I don't know what else to do. I love her. I need you to believe me when I say that I love them and that I'm finally ready to be the person she needs me to be. Because…I'm ready now, and I'm going to fight for her. I'm going to do everything in my power to make her come back. But I promise…I'll never try to take your place, man. See how it worked out? The old Derek is the ex-husband she hates, and the new Mark is the husband she misses. I hope this Derek can be worthy of her."
"I'm bored!" Mark complained for what Derek could only guess was the hundredth time. He, on the other hand, was feeling a rush of excitement. Today was the day he was finally going to introduce his best friend to his girlfriend. He had introduced girls to Mark before, but Addison was different; even this early into their relationship, he was pretty sure she was The One.
Obviously, Mark had laughed for hours hearing his best friend actually utter the words 'The One.'
But Derek didn't care. He was in love and it felt right.
Mark would actually be the first member of his family that Addison would get to meet, so he was really nervous. He had already begged Mark not to make inappropriate comments and told Addison not to feel offended if at some point Mark mentioned her rack. Mark and Derek hardly had any classes together, so Derek had to go to great lengths to accommodate their schedules for this meeting. So he made reservations at a fancy restaurant, much to Mark's annoyance and Addison's delight, and hoped for the best.
"Shut up," he answered, checking his watch again.
"Dude, stop with the watch! We're like twenty minutes early, thanks to you."
"I just didn't want to be late!"
"Well, mission accomplished. And I'm still bored!"
"Seriously, man. SHUT. UP." Mark pouted as Derek checked his watch again.
"What I don't get--" Derek sighed. Of course Mark couldn't go more than two minutes without talking, it was just physically impossible for him. "--is why your mom and your sisters haven't met Allison…"
"Addison," Derek corrected.
"Addison. How come they haven't met her yet? They live like, a few blocks down."
"Because, they're all girls and judgmental. They would ask her about her family and about her intentions and her plans. They would probably either scare her off or try to get us married within the month. I figured you were safe."
"I'm safe?" Mark asked, clearly amused.
"Fine. Safer. This way, when mom and the girls meet Addie, at least she'll know someone else besides me."
"Dude, you're like totally smitten." Mark started laughing.
Derek, unable to refute the claim, could feel the color rising in his cheeks."Shut up," he tried again, hoping Addison would show up soon. About twenty-five minutes later, because apparently ladies just had to be fashionably late, he spotted a very familiar tone of red. He knew the smile on his face was instant, especially since Mark was laughing again, as he waved and pretty much screamed, "Addison!" to get her attention. He immediately got to his feet and approached his girlfriend, who was smiling sweetly at him despite the fact that she seemed embarrassed that he had managed to command every single customer's attention to her with his scream.
"Hey, Derek," she greeted him, putting her arms around his waist and kissing him softly on the lips.
"Hey, baby," he greeted back, one arm snaking around her back as the other played with her hair.
"I'm sorry I'm late." She offered him a flirty smile as an apology.
"That's okay, I didn't even notice."
"I did!" a voice called from behind him. Crap, he thought, he had already forgotten about Mark. But he hadn't mentioned Addison's rack yet, so things were going well so far.
"Right. Addison, there's someone I want you to meet…" He gave her what he hoped was his most charming smile.
"Mark Sloan." Mark extended his hand to Addison, giving her an impish grin. "I hate waiting."
"Addison Montgomery." Addison was close to smiling as she took Mark's outstretched hand. "I'll keep that in mind."
"Great, now everyone knows each other!" Derek clasped his hands together, moving his head from side to side in order to make eye-contact with both his best friend and his girlfriend. In turn, they were looking at him like he had gone insane. "Let's eat." He pulled Addison's chair out for her and helped her with her napkin, kicking Mark under the table when the other man snorted. Addison ordered wine, the men single-malt scotch. Conversation was flowing easily, and Mark and Addison seemed to be getting along so far. Derek shouldn't have been surprised; they were both smart and interesting individuals, they ought to be able to make conversation.
That is, until the inevitable came up…
"Neonatal? For real?" Mark asked, already laughing. He stopped laughing at once and tried to cover it up coughing when his eyes met Derek's.
"Yes, why would I be joking?" Addison asked. She raised one perfectly arched eyebrow, and Derek braced himself for the coming storm.
"But you're like…smart…" Derek sighed heavily as Mark continued to dig his own grave, "you know, for a chick and all."
"Oh God…" Derek muttered under his breath.
"Smart for a chick?" Addison asked tersely. For a minute Mark looked like a deer caught in headlights. He looked at Derek for support, but the other man shook his head, knowing his friend was far past help.
"Mmh…I mean…not that chicks aren't smart…"
"Oh, then what did you mean, Mark?"
"I…you know, that neonatal is like…"
"Dude…" Derek whispered.
"Easy."
"Neonatal is easy." Addison's voice was getting louder. A couple of heads turned to the young trio, and Derek did his best to signal that everything was fine.
"Yeah. I mean, no offense or anything. But if you're so smart, and Derek here says you're a great surgeon…I just don't get why you don't go into cardio or neuro or plastics…you know, something more challenging." Addison just stared at Mark with pure hatred in her beautiful eyes. Derek braced himself for what was to come and mentally mourned the demise of his best friend. To his surprise, instead of the expected onslaught, Addison slowly and deliberately took a sip of her wine, setting the cup back on the table. Then, she wiped her mouth with her napkin. After that, she turned back to face Derek, her expression unreadable.
"Is this true, Derek?" she asked.
"Huh?" he managed pathetically.
"Is this true? You think my specialty is 'easy' and that since I'm smart I should go into neurosurgery like you?"
"What…? I didn't…I didn't say that…"
"Cardio, then?"
"What? But…Addie!"
"I mean, clearly you and Mark have talked about this. Right?" She turned back to Mark, and Derek would never in his life be able to understand why his so-called best friend nodded, effectively feeding him to the sharks.
Years later, Mark would claim he had been way too scared of Addison to think about what he was doing then.
"Why don't you tell me what you really think, Derek?" Addison pressed on, "Do you think I'm wasting myself going into neonatal?"
"No!" Derek exclaimed a little more loudly than he intended to. "No! Baby, you're great in your field! The gynies are lucky to have you!"
"The 'gynies'?"
'Oh, crap.' He thought to himself, "No. I mean, you're so smart and so talented…I never said there was anything wrong with neonatal! Mark didn't even know you were going into neonatal, right?" this time he was grateful when his best friend nodded again, "See? There was no talking behind your back or anything."
"But you did say something. Didn't you?"
"No! Well…yeah, you're my girlfriend so I talked to him about you. I told him you were an awesome surgeon and that you could have your pick of any field! And… yeah, sure, someone with your talents could totally go into the hardcore fields instead of…" Derek didn't even need to end that sentence. He knew he was already screwed. The sad part was that he'd meant it as a compliment.
Judging by Addison's expression, that hadn't come through as clearly as he had hoped it would.
"Hardcore? So…like neuro is hardcore? Like…" she turned to Mark, "what's your specialty?"
"Plastics," Mark mumbled.
"Plastics. Thanks Mark. So," she turned back to Derek, "hardcore like neuro and plastics."
"Mmh…"
"Don't bother. Come to me and tell me what is hardcore when you have to operate on two patients at the same time. When you have to deal not only with surgery but a mother and a child fighting for their lives. When you have to do your normal work in a body so small that the tiniest mistake would kill a baby. When you have to perform a surgery on a patient that hasn't even been born yet. THEN you guys can talk to me about what hardcore is. In the meantime, you go back to opening brains because you think it makes you the coolest guy in the world and you," she turned to Mark, "go back to your life of giving women bigger boobs. When you can do what I do with a scalpel, you guys get to mouth off to me." Addison took another sip of her wine as both men stared at her, mouths hanging open. She stood up and grabbed her purse, staring at both of them, and for a moment Derek worried she was leavingor worse, dumping him.
"I'm going to the bathroom. When I come back, you will have ordered our meal, and Derek, it better not be fish. You will also have found a new subject to talk about, like the weather or just how much the Yankees suck. You will also have stopped being stupid. All right, then?" She smiled sweetly, and both of them nodded. She then gave them a satisfied nod and surprised Derek by kissing him softly on the lips before making her way to the bathroom.
Once she was gone, both men sat there, stunned into silence, for a few minutes. All of a sudden, Derek heard the beginnings of Mark's laughter, gradually increasing into a full blown cackle.
"Dude!" Derek complained as the people around them turned to stare.
"Sorry…" Mark took a deep breath, calming himself. "I like her," he proclaimed, taking a sip of his drink. "And by the way, nice rack," he added just as Addison walked back up to their table.
Derek could imagine how Mark would be looking at him if he were alivea mixture of amusement and doubt, searching his face for any signs of untruth. Most of all, Mark had always wanted Addison to be happy, with or without him. That was a level of love that, until now, Derek had not been able to claim he understood.
He did now. If Addison was happy without him and wanted to remain that way, he would understand. He would ask her to let him be her friend, though. He would make sure Matt knew he was a New Yorker and was supposed to worship the Yankees – God knew Addison wasn't going to be able to teach him that. But he would let her be.
But if there was some small, remotely insignificant chance in hell that Addie might at some point want him back…how could he not take that chance? How could he not hope?
"I won't hurt her again. I promise; I understand this time. She's Addison, and I'm not supposed to make her cry. Ever. And I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I ended up hurting her or the baby. I want to get it right. I'm making the time and the space for them. I'm learning how to make my schedule flexible so I don't miss dinners or appointments. I'm trying to put them first. And I guess…I guess I wanted your permission to ask her to let me be a part of your family's life. And now…now you gotta be the one that keeps an eye out for me, okay? Just to make sure I don't mess it up." Derek smiled as he stood up, dusting off his black coat. He put his hand on the gravestone for a second, trying to imagine he could feel Mark's shoulder under his hand once again.
"Goodbye, man. I promise…I promise I will take care of them." With that, he made his way back to his car. He wasn't really sure the visit had accomplished anything real, but somehow, he felt it was the least he could do. He was ready to stop hiding from Mark's memory. If he and Addison were going to have some sort of chance to get their lives back on track, both of them had to acknowledge the roles Mark Sloan had played in their lives.
The only thing that was left to do now was to somehow get Addison to see him and give him a final chance.
A
After his visit to the cemetery, Derek drove back to the Archers. Since he had a whole team working at the trailer, he had decided to follow the path of his fellow doctors at SGH and get a room at the hotel. It was the best and most expensive hotel near the hospital and he could see Addison living here quite clearly; it was her kind of place.
He sighed tiredly once he reached his room and threw himself on top of his bed, letting his backpack and his coat fall to the floor. He smiled against his pillow, content overall with his day. He felt like he was making progress in his life: he'd talked to his friends, and now even previously indifferent people like Callie and Miranda were talking to him. He was building a home and making plans. He was looking forward to a day when he and Meredith would become friends, but he would allow the young doctor enough space and time for her wounds to heal. He felt like he had finally had some closure with Mark; he no longer felt like he was betraying his best friend. And also, he knew Addison was planning on coming back and including him on her life.
He was most definitely making progress.
Thoughts of Addison crossed his mind, and he once again wondered what she was doing and why wasn't she calling her closest friends. Maybe it would be all right if he called her…he hadn't attempted to yet, but maybe she would be okay with it. Maybe she would even like it, knowing he was thinking about her.
That wasn't suffocating her, right?
How could he even suffocate a person that was on the other side of the country.
He could call…
As Derek was staring at the phone, trying to convince himself that Addison wouldn't be angry if he called, it suddenly started ringing. He almost fell out of his bed in his attempt to reach it as soon as possible and couldn't help the grin that appeared on his face when he read Roan's name on the caller ID.
I'm smiling over Roan Montgomery calling. What is Addison doing to me?
"Hey, Roan!" he called into the telephone.
::Hey, Derek…::
"I'm so glad you called! I mean, can you believe that? I'm glad YOU called!"
::Derek…::
"It's just that Addie has not been in contact with anyone around here…"
::I know. Look, Derek…::
"Anyway, I was getting worried. And I didn't want to call her because she usually calls me…"
:::DEREK!:: Roan's scream on the other side of the phone made Derek stop abruptly. Roan sighed, and Derek immediately knew something was wrong.
"Roan? Where's Addison? Is she okay?"
::Listen, Derek. Addison… she…::
"Damnit Roan! What the hell is going on?!" Panic was rising in his chest and up his throat. Addison had to be okay. She and Matt just had to be okay. If they weren't…they HAD to be okay.
::Derek…you need to be here. You need to come to New York ASAP.::