Song - Not Strong Enough - Apocalyptica

Chapter 12

I was suffocating… Literally suffocating.

But I couldn't wake up.

It was the worst feeling in the world.

I wanted to scream, but my body was paralyzed in its dream state.

This nightmare... It's the worst it's ever been since I first started having them.

Finally, my eyes snapped open to the sound of the door slamming into the wall.

And then a voice began to scream, "You shitty Usagi, wake the hell up! How dare you write another book like this?!"

I was so relieved that he had awakened me from my nightmare. At the same time, I was furious that he was yelling at me like that. Where the hell did he get off telling me what I can and can't do? Especially if it makes me money.

This is the first time he's spoken to me in days. Why does it have to be him screaming at me?

"When the hell did I say 'I'm going to melt' or 'Akihiko-sama, make me dirty all over'?! When did I say that?!"

I finally pushed myself up and turned to look at Misaki. His anger quickly dissipated when he saw my own irritation. His face suddenly became flustered and he took a step backwards.

"HAHA! Just kidding!" he said in an attempt to escape.

Then I noticed that he had my book in his hand. No wonder he was angry. We just had sex for the first time and then my boy's love novel with him in it came out. In reality, I had the whole book written and finalized before we had sex. Plus it was all completely made up. The Misaki character in my novel was definitely sexier in bed.

The real life Misaki turned to try to run away. "Sorry for interrupting your sleep!"

He wasn't going to get away that easily. I jumped out of bed and ran to him, grabbing him by the collar of his hoodie. He gasped in shock as I shoved him onto my bed. He then threw his hands together to plead and defend himself. He screamed about how sorry he was as I hopped on the bed and straddled him. I pinned his hands down over his head with one of my hands while using the other arm to hold myself up and keep weight off the boy.

"Why do you dislike being written about so much?" I asked as I stared down at him.

"What are you, a moron?! Of course I don't like it! Not only did you put me in there without my permission, but you keep having me do weird things – "

As he said the last part I switched the weight to my knees and used my free hand to glide under his hoodie. His skin was so warm to my cold fingers. He gasped and held his breath at my touch. After not speaking to him or being able to touch him in a few days, it felt amazing.

"H-hey! Where do you think you're touching?!" He tightly squeezed his eyes shut. "Quit it!" It almost looked like he was in pain.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang just as my hand had reached his chest. I felt Misaki release a sigh.

"You hear that?! Someone's here!"

I leaned down close to his face and his eyes widened in surprise. "Ignore it," I demanded.

"B-But…" he began to protest, but I knew how to quiet him down.

I started to lean in even closer to steal his lips in a kiss. I hadn't kissed him in days. I needed this. I needed him. His mouth slightly opened and his body trembled. His breath was hot against my lips.

Suddenly the door flung open once again a new voice began to scream out. This time, the voice was happy.

"Good morning! Aikawa of Marukawa Books here!" As if I didn't know who it was already. "Usami-sensei, I assume your manuscript is done?"

I groaned, my mood completely shot. Great. This bitch just ruined this reunion with Misaki. I had to hurry up and get her out so I could mend things between Misaki and me.

Underneath me, Misaki jumped up and knocked me over. He ran up to Aikawa-san and greeted her. I imagine that his face was completely red from embarrassment. Aikawa-san, however, acted like it was no big deal and insisted that we get to work as soon as possible.

Aikawa-san and Misaki went downstairs while I got ready. When I went to join them, I noticed her giving him some sweets in a box. She was probably excited to share her love of sweets with someone. I can't stand them so she never bothered to get me anything. Misaki ate it up, believing that the woman was a saint. Only I knew of her true colors.

Aikawa-san and I got to work, with her snapping at me a lot as usual. Misaki boiled water for us to make tea before he had to leave for class. I excused myself and followed him to the door to say goodbye.

"Okay, I'm going," he said.

I reached my hand out and ruffled his hair. His chocolate locks were so smooth. "See you later."

He tensed up underneath me and reached up his hand to bat mine away. "I'm going," he said again and ran out the door.

I stayed behind for a moment and just stared at the door. My hand remained out as if it was still on top of his head, tangled in his hair. So he was still upset with me…

Misaki returned home from class shortly after Aikawa-san had left. He actually greeted me. He looked around at all the reference materials and I explained to him that it was all for the book I was working on. I so badly wanted to reunite with him so I patted the spot next to me on the couch. He groaned and shoved Suzuki-san into that spot, collapsing onto the spot on the opposite end. It kind of upset me that he wouldn't even sit by me, but at least he wasn't completely avoiding me.

"I just saw Aikawa-san downstairs," he commented as he picked up one of the books. I was going to ignore the comment but he kept going. "Aikawa-san sure is beautiful, huh?"

What? "You think so?"

"H-Have you known her a long time? You seem to get along really well."

What is he getting at? "Not really."

"Uh, so like, is it normal to give your house key to your managers?"

"You've got to be kidding. Aikawa-san's the only one."

"Uh, why?" I looked over at him and noticed that the book in his hands was shaking. "Why only Aikawa-san?" In fact, his whole body was shaking. He looked over at me staring at him. "What?"

"No!" I scolded him, leaning over Suzuki-san. "Forget about that woman! She's a demon wearing human skin! If you get close to her, she'll just gobble you up and toss you aside."

"Wh-what's that supposed to mean? Aikawa-san is a nice person. She's beautiful and she's always bringing tasty gifts."

I sighed in frustration. "Just forget about her. Nothing good will come of it."

He went silent, deep in thought. Did he really think that I was attracted to her? He knows that I love him! Obviously just talking wasn't going to ease his mind about her. I had to actually show him.

"Misaki."

He looked over and I leaned over the bear to cup his chin in my hand. I leaned in closer to steal the kiss that I tried to this morning. His eyes were wide and he took a shaky breath. Before I could get any closer, he quickly jumped off the couch and headed for the stairs. He didn't even say anything. He definitely was still angry with me. I jumped off the couch as well and grabbed his arm. Before he could get away, I pinned his arms up over his head against the wall.

"Ah, l-let go, Usagi-san!" he cried out to the wall. "That hurts!"

His whole body was shaking. I felt bad but I couldn't let him get away. I had to get some answers out of him. If I wanted to fix things between us, I needed some information. I needed to know what I could do to help.

"You've been avoiding me lately, haven't you?"

"N-Not really. You're just imagining things."

Then why won't you let me do anything? As if to test this, I reached my arm around his waist and rubbed a rather sensitive area on his stomach. He gasped and his body began to shake even more.

"U-Usagi-san…" It wasn't a moan of pleasure but a cry in fear. I reached my hand down further to his crotch and began to rub him. "Please! Seriously, quit touching me! I'm begging you!"

He really hates this… It's just as I feared. He doesn't want me touching him at all. He was avoiding me. He'll keep avoiding me. Is he going to leave me too?

"How do you really feel about me?"

I couldn't stop the question from spilling out of my mouth. I could feel his heart pound even from behind him. He was still shaking. Was he really that scared of me? Did I really do what I think I did to him?

"H-Huh? Why are you asking all of a sudden?"

I can't back out of it now. "The other day… I never did get to ask you how you felt. I want to hear you answer sometime soon."

He hesitated for a minute. "There's nothing really… That's not… I-I don't know."

It was a crushing blow. I felt my heart sink into my stomach, yet at the same time my chest hurt immensely. This is… bad.

If this gets any worse, I'll just be reliving my nightmare all over again.

"Sorry," I said softly as I took my hand off of his. I patted his head gently. "I got too impatient."

I went upstairs and locked myself in my bedroom, leaving Misaki alone.

The next few days went on like they had been lately. I didn't speak to Misaki unless he spoke to me first. We didn't talk a lot, and if we did it was only minute details about the day.

It hurt so much… I just wanted him to love me back. Even just a little bit would have been fine for me. But he was acting more like he hated me. I couldn't help but wonder when he would get sick of it and try to move somewhere else. In order for that not to happen, I made a promise to myself to not push him until he decided he was ready… or until he moved out. One of which was going to happen and I was terrified to find out which one.

My reoccurring nightmares didn't stop. This time, Misaki was in them instead of the other guy. I would almost wake up screaming. The image was so real. It was painful. I didn't want it to happen, but I was afraid it was already beginning to happen. If my nightmare was actually a premonition… I could never live with myself.

A few days after I confronted him, he returned home from class when I was about to leave with Aikawa-san to go to a meeting. The emotion on his face wasn't happy as he looked at us.

"Are you going somewhere, Usagi-san?" He sounded very… depressed.

"Work. I have a meeting with a certain luminary. It's at the Hotel Bilton."

"Where's that?"

I wanted so badly to keep the conversation alive, but Aikawa-san jumped in and interrupted us. She gave him a huge box of Belgian chocolates. He didn't look very excited as he took the box from her. He wasn't himself for some reason… Did something happen to him today?

"Misaki, I think I'll probably be eating out tonight, so would you mind eating dinner alone?" He nodded.

"Sensei! The taxi's here!"

"I'll be going then," I said again to Misaki.

I wanted so badly to touch him before I left: give his hair a little fluff like I usually did. But I had promised myself that I was going to wait until he had reached a decision. Unfortunately, that also meant that he could decide he hated me and move out. With those upsetting thoughts in my head, I walked right by him towards the door where Aikawa-san was.

"Oh, sensei. Your tie is crooked." She made a big deal of tugging and straightening out my tie for me, as if I couldn't do it myself. She patted my chest when she was done. "There you go, handsome!" Ugh… this woman…

I looked back over to Misaki and my stomach began to churn. I hadn't seen his face look so worried and depressed before. His mouth was open in shock. What happened? Was he looking at us or just staring off into space? Regardless, I wanted so badly to hold him and comfort him.

"Misaki," I called to him in a worried tone. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said, his voice shaking.

The look on his face hadn't disappeared. I began to worry about him even more. Without thinking, I walked up to him and reached out my hand to ruffle his hair. His eyes stared up into mine before closing. He bowed his head and tensed up. I quickly stopped with my hand hovering over his head. I wasn't supposed to touch him. I felt myself tense up and I couldn't move. I could hear him release the breath he had been holding.

"Sensei, let's get going!" Aikawa-san called, breaking up the heavy atmosphere around us. With a heavy hand and a heavy heart, I pulled my arm down to my side without touching Misaki. "The person we're meeting with is a stickler for punctuality," the woman reminded me.

Misaki still had his head lowered, staring at the ground. It almost looked as if his body was quivering. My whole body was heavy as I announced I was leaving again and turned around to leave. I could have sworn I heard him say goodbye in a very small and upset voice right before I shut the door behind me.

As Aikawa-san and I walked outside to the taxi, I turned around and stared up at the penthouse, wondering what was going on in Misaki's head. Was he going to leave me? I prayed to god that he would still be there when I got back.

The whole ordeal lasted entirely way too long. I was ready to go back home to see Misaki before we even got to the restaurant. Aikawa-san would have killed me if I tried to leave or even talked to her about it. I had to grit my teeth and bear it. This was for my career and I needed to make a good impression. Misaki would understand that, right?

Finally, after a long dinner and a long conversation afterwards, the taxi pulled up to my house. I quickly paid the driver for the night and rushed upstairs. It was very late so I assumed that Misaki was already in bed. I thought I would be gentle and just wait till tomorrow to talk to him, but I had to at least check to see that he was still here.

I was about to walk up the stairs to go to his room when I noticed something on the couch. As I took a second glance I realized that Misaki was sleeping on the couch. I breathed a sigh of relief just knowing that he didn't leave me. I thought for sure he wasn't going to now, since when I was gone was probably the most convenient time for him to sneak away. I wouldn't be able to stop him, but if I was home I would do everything I could to hold him down.

He must be uncomfortable sleeping on the couch. I walked up to him to wake him up and help him get into a real bed. Before I could grab his shoulders to shake him away, I noticed something in his arms. It floored me.

He was holding my shirt. It was the shirt I had on before Aikawa-san told me it didn't look fancy enough and that I had to change. Misaki never even saw me in that day. It must still have my smell on it.

He wasn't just holding it either. It was clutched to his chest. His hand was positioned over his heart, holding the shirt to his chest. I could only take that to mean that he missed me while he was gone, which also meant that he had feelings for me.

I could take it. I was at my limit.

"Misaki," I said gently as I leaned down and touched his shoulder. "Misaki?" I shook him softly. "Misaki!" He slowly opened his tired eyes. "Misaki, you're going to catch a cold."

He glanced up at me. "Oh! Welcome back," he said as he sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Crap, I've still got homework to do."

He didn't even realize he was sleeping with my shirt. I stared at him as he rubbed his mouth as well. He finally looked up at me wondering why I was staring at him. He then looked down at his hands and realized what was there. Immediately, he jumped up and denied everything.

"N-No, wait! This doesn't mean anything! This – " he said as he pointed at my shirt. "This was just because it was a little chilly, and, and I got a drunk off those chocolates!" He was stumbling over his words, like he really was a little drunk. "And I got sleepy, and I felt like I was gonna freeze to death, so, so…"

It was no use. I really couldn't control myself. I leaned in closer to him and picked up his small body. He screamed in protest as I carried him over my shoulder up the stairs. I flung him onto my bed as soon as we reached my room. I was slightly irritated at myself for not having any self-control. My conscious was yelling at me to leave him alone and that it was just a coincidence, but I really couldn't stop.

"Time's up," I said as I loosened my tie.

"HUH? What?!" He sat up looking angrily at me.

"I thought I'd wait for you, but I've reached my limit." I threw my tie onto the bed. "Sleeping with my damn shirt hugged to your chest, you've got to be doing it on purpose. I can only think that it's an invitation." I think I was saying that more for my own benefit rather than his.

I started to crawl onto the bed and his eyes widened. "I told you, I was just…" I grabbed his arms and pushed him down before he could continue. "Quit it!" he screamed as he squirmed and fought me. "Don't touch me! What's with you?! You've got Aikawa-san!"

He reached behind him, grabbed a pillow, and chucked it at my face. I blocked it away with my fist, but I was still confused by what he said. He looked like he was angry, yet about to cry at the same time.

"Huh?"

"You've got to be kidding!" he screamed as he closed his eyes to avoid mine. "Stop fucking with me! I don't know what's what anymore! There's something wrong with me! I get all weird when you touch me!" His mouth contorted into a snarl. "Aikawa-san's a nice person, but when she's with you, it pisses me off!" He quickly pulled the shirt he was still holding up over his face. "What are you going to do about this?! I've turned into this crazy, nasty person! You jerk!"

I was in shock by what he just admitted. He was completely jealous of Aikawa-san and how close I seem to be with her. That's why he was asking all those questions about her the other day. That's why he was so upset when I was leaving today. He thinks that we're together. How? He knows that I love him…

I could hear him sobbing underneath the shirt, and it broke me down even more. I was seriously so frustrated that I couldn't control myself around him. All I wanted to do right now was touch him. Could I consider this confession of jealousy to be a love confession?

Yes. Yes, I could.

"That's because you're in love with me…" I said as I turned and sat on the edge of the bed rather than nearly on top of him. I sighed when he questioned what I meant. I turned to him. "I leave you alone and your mind runs off in a worthless direction. What in the world made you think that there's something between Aikawa-san and me?"

"Uh, because…"

I sighed again. "I swear, being with you is so frustrating. I lose my cool. Before I know it, I've spent the whole day thinking about you, and it pisses me off. I love you."

I turned around and tried to pull the shirt off of his face so I could see him and kiss him. He tightly gripped the shirt, not moving an inch. His hands were shaking, obviously not wanting me to see. I leaned down and grabbed his hands to pry the shirt away from him. When I finally pulled it off, his face looked defeated.

"Just give in," I said with a smile. "I told you, didn't I? Time's up."

Because I know now that you do love me.

Usagi-san… I love you… I think.

Of course you do.