Chapter 16

Living with Misaki was the best thing that ever happened to me, and not just because he was a great chef or because he kept the house so clean. Having him around just made me so much happier in general. I never would have thought that I could actually live with another person and enjoy it. I loved him as a person completely. The cooking, cleaning, and even sexual activities were just added bonuses.

Before Ryuto rejected me, I thought I could have stayed with him forever. It was the same with Takahiro. I never would have imagined that I would stop loving Takahiro. In reality, I could have never given Ryuto or Takahiro my soul like I can with Misaki.

Misaki has been slowly opening up to me more and more. He talks to me about almost everything, from stories he remembers in the past to how school went that day. He doesn't talk much about his future plans. I don't think he quite knows what he wants out of life yet. He's still feisty and shy in the bedroom, but he never completely rejects me. He still gets extremely angry with me when I write about him in my boys love novels, which he's been such a huge inspiration for.

Takahiro still calls several times a week to check up on his brother. Every once in a while I notice that Misaki gets upset when I talk to him. Deep down, he must still think that I still have feelings for Takahiro. I'm not sure how I can convince him that I don't and that he's not just a very dear friend to me. All I can do is keep showing him how much I love him.

It was finally summer vacation and I was ecstatic to spend some time with Misaki. He was at school a lot of the time and occasionally worked various part time jobs. When he actually was home with me, he usually forced me to get my work done while he worked on his own school work. I never should have let Aikawa-san and him get close. Now he's like her little watchdog. Such a pain…

Misaki didn't work today, so he asked me to let him sleep in and wake him up at 10. I went into his room and tried to shake him awake. He just rolled over and snored. I shook him harder and shouted at him. He mumbled something, still clearly asleep. He normally wasn't this hard to wake up. Maybe he was actually awake?

Sighing, I ripped the blanket off of him and noticed he was wearing a button up nightshirt. Apparently there was only one way to get him up. I undid the buttons on his shirt and opened it up, exposing his torso. His skin was smooth and creamy white. His eyes were lightly fluttering, but they didn't open just yet. He was about to get up soon enough. I only had a little time to enjoy myself so I braced myself as I slid my fingers along his sides.

He didn't stir. I smiled. He was obviously awake. What a feisty kid. I rubbed my hands up and down his sides, gliding my fingers along his waist line. A slight moan escaped his lips. I licked my lips as I noticed a small tent forming in his loose sweatpants. Maybe I could get some morning sex out of him. I leaned down and ran my tongue from his belly button up to his chest.

"GAHHHHHHHHHHH!" he screamed as he jumped up away from me. It was so loud that I actually had to cover my ears. He grabbed the blanket and covered himself up with it. "What do you think you're doing?! You homo! Perverted, dirty, old man!"

"So loud," I sighed. "You were the one who told me to wake you up at 10. I tried waking you a million times, but you still didn't get up. So I thought you were seducing me but you were feeling shy and couldn't say anything."

I patted his head as he fumed at me. "WHY THE HELL MUST YOU INTERPRET EVERYTHING SO THAT IT'S CONVENIENT FOR YOU?!"

"You say that, but your voice sounded like you were enjoying yourself."

"Liar! Never!" He rolled out of bed, carefully placing the blanket around his waist to hide himself, even though I already knew he had an erection. "No way, no how, would I ever try to seduce you."

"But you were."

"I was not!"

I grabbed the blanket and tugged at it. "Shall I ask your body then?"

He gasped and tugged on it as well, keeping himself covered up. "Alright, alright, I was seducing you!" He wildly blushed as he finally pulled the blanket away and began to change clothes, with me still in the room. "The hell… It's all your fault that my body has become like a bride's." I held in my laughter as I walked out of the room to let him finish changing.

While he cooked breakfast for us, I sat on the couch reading the paper. Misaki seemed to be really full of energy as he cooked the eggs and sausage. It's too bad he wouldn't turn that energy into something fun for the both of us.

"But you know," he rambled on, "I feel kind of excited for the first half of my summer. I wonder if I should get another part time job." I softly groaned. "The pay during summer break is pretty good."

"You're finally on break. Why not just stay at home?"

"No way. If I stay home, you'll just do weird things to me the entire time."

I didn't even try to hold in my sigh this time. I couldn't understand why he still thought that me touching him and having sex with him was weird. I know he was just an innocent kid when I took him as my lover, but it's been a while now. Why doesn't he like being with me?

"Ah! But I'd love to go on a trip somewhere!" he said with a smile as he loaded up our plates. "It'll be a birthday present for myself."

Misaki's birthday… August 18th. He never told me the exact day, but I knew from Takahiro. A few times I even helped Takahiro pick out gifts for his birthday. In a way, this wouldn't be his first birthday that I've been with him. It's almost like I've been with him for 10 years already through Takahiro.

"Oh yeah. Your birthday is coming up soon."

"Yup!" He was so excited that his voice went up even higher in pitch. "I'd be thrilled if you held a party for me, so feel free to do so!"

So he wants a party, huh? I don't really enjoy being at parties myself, so I really don't think I'd like hosting a party. But if it's for Misaki… I would do anything for him. What would he want for his birthday anyway? I can't just throw him a party. I have to get him a gift as well. He did say he wanted to go on a trip. Maybe I'll take him on a romantic getaway, just the two of us.

"Ah, it's fine if you don't!" he quickly assured me as he walked over to the table with the plates. "You don't have to do anything for me, really."

I got up and sat down at the table with him. "Misaki, I would do anything for you."

He blushed and called me stupid. We ate our meal in silence. I was too busy thinking about different places we could go for our trip. He'd really hate it if I spent a lot of money on him, so we couldn't go somewhere really fancy or far away. Maybe I should let him decide. However, he's way too courteous and wouldn't let himself get carried away by me.

As soon as we were done eating, the phone began to ring. I went to answer it and Misaki went to clean the dishes.

"Yes, Usami residence," I said politely into the phone.

"Usagi?"

I smiled. "Oh, Takahiro!" I was really happy that he called. I could probably get some answers out of him on where I should take Misaki. Of course, I'd have to leave out the details of it being a romantic birthday date, but it would still work out great.

"How are things going?"

I pulled out a cigarette and began to light it. "Everything's the same over here. You?"

"Things are going well. Is Misaki home?"

Just as he said that, Misaki walked up to me. "Is that Nii-chan?"

"Yeah, the university is on summer break," I said.

"Good. I'll need to talk to both of you. I'm coming back to Tokyo."

My eyes widened and my heart sank. Takahiro was coming back already? He had just moved there a few months ago. I was happy that my best friend was coming back, but I knew that it meant bad news for Misaki and myself.

"What?"

"Yeah, so we need to talk about where Misaki will stay," he said.

My stomach churned. He was going to take Misaki away from me… I knew that it was going to happen, but I didn't realize the time was coming up that quickly. The deal was that he would move out on his own after he graduated college. There was no way I was going to let that happen. I just thought I had more time to prepare an excuse as to why he was going to stay with me. I very well couldn't tell Takahiro that we were lovers. Misaki would have to tell him that himself.

"Oh, hold on a second," I said, my voice shaking. I held the bottom of the phone. "Misaki, sorry, but give me some privacy."

"Huh?"

"Just go. Hurry."

He started heading up the stairs and I removed my hand from the bottom of the phone. "Sorry," I said to Takahiro.

"Did you send Misaki away?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, I'll talk to him later. As I said, we have to move back to Tokyo. My company wants to transfer me back to the original location. You know how these places can be."

"Mmhmm." I didn't want to open my mouth. I might yell at him to stay there. "When?" I choked out.

"At the end of this month, so Misaki is going to come live with Manami-san and I then."

I knew he was going to say that, but it didn't at all prepare me for the heartbreak that followed. My chest felt tight, like something was squeezing my heart. I had to do something. I couldn't let Takahiro take Misaki away from me, especially when I had just gotten him all to myself. Not now. Not ever.

"I have no problem at all with Misaki continuing to stay here, though."

"Thank you," Takahiro said, but didn't say anymore.

"Besides, think about it! You're newlyweds! He may be your little brother, but I mean…"

"It'll be fine," he interrupted. "I'm well aware of those issues… But you know, Usagi, I want to let Misaki experience what it means to have a family."

A family? I didn't know anything about family. I spent my whole life hiding from my family. But Takahiro and Misaki…

"Our parents died when I was 18." His voice was grim, almost a lonely tone. "I was mostly grown up, so it wasn't so bad for me… But Misaki was just 8 at the time."

I gripped the phone tightly, slowly realizing what he was trying to tell me. My heart ached as I imagined Misaki, just a young tiny Misaki, realizing that his parents were never coming back. How heartbroken he must have been. How lonely he must have felt. How lost he must have seemed.

I couldn't imagine losing my parents myself. I was never close to them, even when I was that young. They ignored me and I stayed away from them. If they had died, would I have even noticed? Would I have felt any emotion at all?

But Misaki… His parents loved him and he loved them.

"That kid…" Takahiro went on, "still thinks, to this day, that our parents died because of him." I felt my breath catch in my chest. "If only he hadn't asked our parents to hurry home, they wouldn't have gone speeding on the highway in the heavy rain… That's what he thinks."

My chest was collapsing. "What are you saying? That's…" Not his fault...

"Not your fault, right? He knows that's what people will tell him, so Misaki never says a word about it. He's extremely averse to giving anyone cause for concern. Ever since the accident, he's been intent on not troubling others with any selfishness and he's lived by constantly being solicitous of those around him. Even now… Even with me."

With me too… That's why he never wants to cause trouble for others. He truly thinks it was his fault that his parents were in that horrible accident. I never realized how much of a burden he carried with him all this time… for 10 years. He constantly lives with it and makes sure to be as selfless as he possibly can. He's never selfish… not even with Takahiro… not even with me… his lover.

"So, at the very least, until Misaki graduates from college and gets married, I want to keep him with me, and let him be selfish within a family setting. Manami-san's agreed to it too."

My heart was breaking into pieces. That wasn't something I couldn't do for him… at all. I didn't know anything about family, so I couldn't provide that setting for Misaki. All I could do was be with him, as a partner. Could he learn from that? It seemed like Takahiro didn't think so.

I wanted so badly to tell him about Misaki and I. He deserved to know the truth. But he was Misaki's brother, not mine. He should hear it from the boy himself, not me. I didn't know how he would react to news like that. It could be good, bad, or somewhere in between. I just didn't know which way it would go.

Takahiro needed to hear that I could let his brother be selfish with me because of our relationship… but I couldn't tell him that at all. I just remained silent. It felt like I was giving him permission to steal Misaki away from him. In a way, I felt like I was doing exactly that…

"I'm probably being overprotective, but you know…"

I had to tell him I wanted to help Misaki. "Takahiro, I…"

"I have an obligation to make Misaki happy," he interrupted. "Besides, this is something only family can do for him."

I wanted so badly to tell him that I could do it as well, as a lover. But, for Misaki's sake, I didn't say anything. I just agreed with him and finally hung up the phone, promising Takahiro that I'd have his brother call him in a little bit. First, I needed to talk to him myself.

I realized that the cigarette I had lit when I first picked up the phone was still in my hand. The flame had gone out and it had dwindled down to half. I needed something to calm my nerves. I threw that one in the ash tray by the phone and lit another one. The toxic air filled my lungs beautifully… but it didn't help my heart that was shattering to pieces.

I walked upstairs and found Misaki in his room. He was lying on his back on the floor with one of my bears cuddled to his chest. It was cute, but I was too upset to say anything or do anything about it.

"What are you doing?" I asked as I stood in the doorway.

He used his feet to push himself off on the wall. He slid across the floor over to me in the entrance. "Sweeping the floor," he replied.

"Inefficient…" I was too heartbroken to chuckle as his silliness.

He sat up and looked at me. "Never mind that. Is something going on with Nii-chan?"

I turned my head so he couldn't see my eyes. "Takahiro's apparently coming back to Tokyo at the end of this month."

"What? What's up with that? For real? That means he went to Osaka for nothing!"

"Well, things like that happen. So, he says… he'll take you back." I almost couldn't spit out the words.

"Huh? Whaaat?!" I heard him shuffle around and stand up. "B-But he just got married! Having a healthy, 18 year old boy in a newlywed household is like… What the heck?" He nervously chuckled.

I inhaled and exhaled deeply on my cigarette. "He said he'd be sure to handle that properly. Discuss the rest with Takahiro."

"Uh, so… you told him that you're okay with this?" he asked after a long pause.

Not only was my heart collapsing inside my chest, but my lungs were now as well. "Yes. You should live with your family."

I so badly wanted to be the one to let Misaki be selfish, but I think Takahiro had a point. It was something only family could teach. More importantly, he would have had to choose in the next few years whether to stay with me, stay with Takahiro, or live out on his own. It's ultimately his choice to make. I can influence him, but I can't make him pick me. I can't hold him down like I would like to.

Just knowing that he might leave me was one of the most devastating feelings I had ever experienced.

I heard a quiet gasp. "Oh, I see… Got it." Was it just me or did he voice sound a little upset? He started nervously chuckling again. "Man, thank goodness! Now I won't have to cook dinner every night." He began walking out of the room without making eye contact with me. "When it's all said and done, it was actually kind of a pain."

My heart sank into the pit of my stomach. This wasn't what I expected at all. I truly thought in the back of my mind that he would argue and say that he wanted to stay with me… Did he really not like being with me after all? Then why did he stay?

"Misaki," I called after him.

"Now then, I think I'll go bring the laundry in."

He really does want to leave me. I can't let that happen, not without a fight at least. I have to make him see that I love him and need him to stay. I have to make him realize that he's in love with me too.

I followed him downstairs and stood in the entryway to the patio. He quickly took the sheets down from the line and put them in the basket. Rather than immediately turning around and coming inside, he just stood there and stared into the sky. What was going through his head?

"Misaki," I called out to him again.

He gasped and turned around, picking up the laundry basket. "Don't worry about a thing! I'll do everything I'm supposed to do until I leave," he said as he came back inside. "And if you want, I'll freeze some food for you. I'll go to my brother's place, like I'm supposed to."

He's really planning on listening to his brother and leaving me. I thought he might put up more of a fight to stay here with me. Does he not love me like I thought he did? Why can't I be a person he wants to be with?

I had to act now, to convince him to stay. I reached my hand out and grabbed his shoulder. He gasped and turned to me. I tugged on his arm and pulled him to me, making him drop the basket entirely. He gasped again as my lips enveloped his and my tongue slid across his lips. He tried to push me away, but we both ended up losing our balance. I fell down on top of him and immediately began kissing his cheek and neck. He reached up a hand to my chest to push me away, but I grabbed his wrist and held it back.

"Usagi-san!" he yelled at me.

I kissed and licked a sensitive spot on his neck. He gasped but kept trying to push at me with his arms. The other hand was on my shoulder, desperately trying to push me away. Why was he trying to push me away? As I sucked on that same spot on his neck, my hand traveled up his shirt to his chest.

"S-Stop!"

I pulled away from his neck and planted my mouth on his again. He didn't kiss me back. He grunted beneath me and pushed at me. He really didn't want me kissing or touching him. My heart began to crumble again. I pulled away and loosened my grip on his hand. He yanked his arm away, as if he touched something hot.

"No!"

He grabbed a sheet beside him and pulled it over his head to stop me from kissing him again. The pain was too much to bear anymore. He really didn't want to stay with me. Takahiro wanted to take him away. I hadn't felt pain like this since… since I was rejected by Rytuo. Not even Takahiro announcing his marriage was as painful as that or this. My heart ached so badly. I lost my composure completely and I gave up.

The sheet flew over Misaki's head completely. When he looked at me again, he gasped and his eyes widened. He looked so concerned and in pain. Tears welled up in his eyes. He hated me touching him so much that he was about to cry. It's okay now, Misaki… You have the perfect time to escape from me.

It's over…

Misaki quickly sat up. "Q-Quit messing around already!" I couldn't look at him anymore as he stood up. I was about ready to cry myself. "Moron!" I heard footsteps as he turned and ran away.

He had the perfect opportunity to leave me now. It really felt like he had only been living with me because he had nowhere else to go. Now that Takahiro would be back and wanted him to live with him again, his problems were all solved. Now he wouldn't have to live with me touching him against his will anymore.

Did he really not want it? Did I molest him?

…Did I rape him?

The tears stung my eyes terribly. I looked up and around to see if Misaki was around. Realizing that he wasn't there, I wiped my eyes and stood up. More tears were about to fall, so I ran upstairs and locked myself in my office. If he came back to talk to me, which I doubt he would, I could use the excuse that I was working and not that I was crying.

I sat in the middle of the floor as the salty water flowed down my cheeks. My chest felt so empty, but at the same time I could feel my heart being ripped to shreds. It was painful to breathe, but I felt like I was suffocating with each sob. I kept on crying for what felt like hours.

I couldn't believe I let it happen again…

Misaki left to go spend a week with Takahiro two days later. He wanted to visit Osaka while he was on summer break. He hasn't spoken to me since we found out Takahiro was going to take him back. I only found out he was leaving when Takahiro called me and mentioned something about it.

I tried to talk to Misaki several times, but he either left before I could say anything or I choked on the words in my throat. In the back of my mind all I could think about was how I violated him… several times.

I molested him when he came over for the first tutoring session so many months ago. I touched him inappropriately dozens of times. I kissed him unknowingly when Takahiro announced his marriage. I stole his innocence when I got jealous of Sumi being around him. Each time that I took him, he told me no. I never listened…

It's surprising that he didn't leave sooner. He could have called Takahiro and explained that things weren't working out. That guy would have let him come to Osaka and live there or given him some money to start out at his own apartment. He could have left… but he didn't.

Did that mean it wasn't against his will? Did that mean he was actually in love with me?

No… He didn't want to trouble his brother.

I remembered what Takahiro said about Misaki blaming himself for his parents' car accident. He never asked for anything from anyone after that.

He had this burden on his back for 10 years now… He blamed himself for something he had no control over. He kept living in the past and reliving the whole experience, all while truly believing that it was his fault.

But… Haven't I been doing the same thing?

Heyyy guys! Enjoying the story so far? Yes? Good I'm glad! :D Some good/bad news. School starts up again next week. That could either be good or bad. Hopefully I don't get too many research papers so that I never have time to write this fic. But all the work could make me want to procrastinate from doing it by writing this fic! Hopefully the latter...

I'm planning on revealing some more about Ryuto in the next chapter, so that's something to look forward to! So, stay tuned! Love you all!