SO SORRY I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN SUCH A LONG TIME! I went back to school and I have to focus all of my time and energy on my classes.

Plus I'm really into DRAMAtical Murder right now! I have this really great idea for a ClearxAoba fic (Clear is my favorite!) so I think I might start working on that as well in my free time!

Chapter 17

The night air was so cold. I was all bundled up in warm clothes, but I was still frozen to the bone. I should have just gone back inside the house where it was warm, but I didn't. I was determined to find Ryuto. He hadn't been in class for the past three days and no one answered the phone at his house. It was almost one in the morning on a school night and I had never been over to his house before, but I had to go look for him. I had to see him.

I had to apologize to him.

I ran all the way from my family's mansion-esque house on the outskirts of Tokyo to the middle of the city itself. I stopped when I reached the river. Ryuto's family home was right on the other side. A new footbridge across the river wasn't too far to the east, but his house was to the west. It would be faster if I took the old bridge to the west. It's old and the siding is completely missing in some places. It's too easy for someone to fall right off it. Not many people use it, but it's still there and no one has bothered to fix it.

Half of the streetlights that stood on the old bridge were burnt out since no one bothered with the bridge, making the long walk across it a daunting task. My heart was racing as I quickly jogged down it. It was eerily quiet. Normally the city is noisy at all hours of the night, but it was dead tonight, leaving me to go crazy with my thoughts.

I couldn't stop thinking about what I had done and how Rytuo had rejected me. It was completely my fault and I couldn't blame him. I was only thinking about my own feelings, and it made me hurt him. I had lost my first love and one of my only friends. I wasn't expecting him to forgive me. It would just help my conscious to apologize to him. If he happened to forgive me and maybe fall in love with me, then I would be one happy young man.

I slowed down my pace as I came towards the end of the bridge. My lungs were burning for air, but the freezing air stung terribly when I inhaled deeply. My legs felt weak, like they couldn't stand my own body weight much longer. I just wanted to sit, possibly close my eyes and sleep for all eternity. However, the will to keep going and see him was strong.

Suddenly, I noticed a dark figure under one of the blacked out lights not too far away. As I walked closer, I saw that it was leaning slightly over the side of the bridge, as if staring at its reflection over the water. But it was too dark to see that and it was so late at night. Why were they there? Why were they leaning over the bridge like that?

A jumper… That person was going to kill themselves.

For the moment, I forgot all about Ryuto. I wanted to reach out to that person. No one should be driven so close to the ledge that they think their only option is suicide. Maybe all they need is for one person to tell them that everything will be alright. Maybe all they need is one friend. I can help them.

I quietly walked closer to the person, not wanting to scare them into jumping. Luckily, the old wood of the bridge wasn't creaking with each step that I took. When I was within yelling distance, the figure leaned back and stood up straight. I let out a small sigh of relief. Then, the figure sidestepped into the light… and to where part of the side had rotted away.

I gasped. It appeared to be a young male, wearing a familiar looking grey sweatshirt with the hood slightly pulled up. Tufts of auburn hair peaked out. It was such a strange hair color for someone of Japanese descent to have. A sickening feeling crept up into my stomach. I knew I couldn't jump to any conclusions just yet. My heart beat loudly in my chest as the figure lifted up his arms and pulled down his hood.

"RYUTO!" I cried out, my stomach churning.

My heart felt like it had stopped, but shortly after began to pump furiously. Adrenaline raced through my veins and fear clouded my mind. I sprinted over to him. As I did so, he took a step forward, closer to the edge of the bridge. The wooden boards creaked underneath his weight. I dug my heels into the bridge to stop myself. I was only a few feet away from him at this point, yet it felt like he was a million miles away.

"Akihiko," he said in a voice that normally made me weak with want, but now only upset me. "Go away. You've done enough."

Tears stung my eyes and it was hard to inhale a breath so I could speak. "Ryuto, I'm sorry! So sorry! I never meant to hurt you like that. It was a huge mistake and it's been eating me up inside ever since it happened. I don't expect you to forgive me or even go back to the way things were. I just don't want you to continue hurting. I'm so, so sorry." My voice faltered as a sob escaped me. It felt like my chest was collapsing.

He slightly chuckled. It looked like he was smiling for some reason, but it was hard to tell when I could only see the back of his head and part of the side of his face. A lot of his face was hidden by his shaggy auburn hair.

"I'm not talking about me." His voice was ominous. "Let him go, Akihiko."

I was confused for a moment, so I took a step forward to try to talk to him more. I needed to understand what was going on. He spun around and we locked eyes. A silent scream became trapped deep inside my throat. It felt as if my heart was shattering to bits. This can't be happening. This can't be real. My whole body was shaking.

Large, emerald eyes.

"Let Misaki go, Akihiko." As Ryuto said this, his hair turned into a chocolate brown color, just like Misaki's, and morphed to match his hairstyle as well. "Let go, before the past repeats itself."

His face morphed as well, until I was looking at an exact replica of the boy I was living with. My heart had stopped completely and tears were freely falling down my cheeks. His body became much slender and a little shorter. I then realized why the sweatshirt was so familiar.

Misaki wore that sweatshirt all the time…

"Let me go, Usagi-san," Ryuto/Misaki said. Their voices had blended together to create a demonic one. "You're killing me. Why are you doing this to me?"

My legs gave out beneath me and I fell forward onto my knees. I clutched my chest as I struggled to breathe between sobs. I wanted to cry out to both of them, but I was too shaken up to do anything.

"Stop!" Ryuto cried out, making me look up. Through my tears, I saw the figure had completely become Misaki, but Ryuto's voice still leaked from the mouth. "Stop it! You're hurting me! Please stop! NOOOO!"

His mouth contorted in pain. The screams and his facial expressions were all too familiar. He began to silently weep as well. He calmed down a little, but still looked upset and scared.

"Usagi-san," Misaki's voice leaked out, "this is a bad idea." I began to choke. It was too hard to breathe. "Let's not do this after all."

My stomach churned violently. He said those things to me, yet I still took advantage of him. Now they're haunting me. Everything is haunting me. I can't stop the painful memories that torture me, even in my sleep.

I reached my shaky hand out. "Misaki… please," I gasped.

Ryuto/Misaki narrowed his eyes at me. "Let go," the demonic voice said again. He then turned around to face the water once again. One side of his hair is a messy brown, while the other is a sleek auburn. Misaki and Ryuto in one entity.

"Goodbye," the demonic voice whispered

"Akihiko," Ryuto said immediately afterwards.

"Usagi-san," Misaki said simultaneously

They lifted up their arms and fell forwards into the water. I don't hear the splash over the sound of my screams.

I woke up and immediately rushed to the bathroom. I almost didn't make it as I violently vomited the remains of last night's dinner into the toilet. It burned my throat coming up. Tears leaked out of my tightly closed lids. It was hard to breathe as I puked and cried at the same time. I was covered in sweat and my heart was pounding faster than ever.

It was the nightmare of my past… but with my Misaki.

Now that I think about it… Misaki and Ryuto do have a few things in common. They're both compassionate towards others yet stubborn as hell. Most importantly, they both had to put up with me.

Ryuto killed himself because of me. It was all an accident, a huge misunderstanding. I could have stopped it all from happening. If only I hadn't completely lost control after he rejected me. I should have been mature about the whole situation. If only I had gotten to him sooner that night. I could have stopped him and saved my soul.

But the past can never change. All I can do is learn from my mistakes and move forward. That's what Ryuto was trying to tell me in my dream, when he told me to let Misaki go. He was trying to tell me that the past would only repeat itself if I didn't let him go.

I can't let that happen… Not just for my own sanity, but in order to protect Misaki. I have to let him go… Let him go back to living with brother and continue on with his normal life. That's if I haven't already broken him beyond repair. There was only one way to find out.

I got up and flushed the toilet. My whole body ached and my head was pounding. As I rinsed out my mouth I realized that my teary eyes were bloodshot. I was a mess due to the nightmare and the realization of the nightmare. It would only get worse from now on as I let Misaki slip away from me. But I don't have any other choice. I have to protect him, at all costs.

I didn't even know if I could do it. My heart was already breaking.

I had just woken up, but sleep was the only thing that I could do at that point. I opened the medicine cabinet and swallowed a couple sleeping pills. As I crawled into bed, the only thing I could think was my sweet, loving Misaki.

It was extremely hard for the first couple of days. All I could think about was Misaki. Several times I thought about living in denial about what had happened and just continuing staying with him. In the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't do that if I wanted him to be truly happy.

I did have the nightmare again the night after, but I learned that drinking quite a bit before going to bed kept me from sleeping soundly which kept me from having any nightmares.

Finally, I had come to terms with the fact that Misaki would be leaving me. It was fun while it lasted but it was time to move on. What really made me realize that was the fact that he never did call during the week he was with his brother. He must have been having too much fun. He probably realized how well he fit in there. He belonged there, away from me.

The day he was set to come home, I was sitting on the couch, drinking some coffee, thinking about what we would say to each other. More importantly, what would we do for the next couple of weeks before Takahiro actually moved back to Tokyo? If I let myself continue to be around Misaki, I would immediately want to keep him.

The phone rang, breaking me out of my thoughts. I sighed as I stood up to get it, thinking it was Aikawa-san. "Hello?"

"Oh, Usagi-san?"

I was so startled that I nearly dropped the phone. After all this time, he was actually calling me. His voice melted into my ears and my heart began to pound. This is bad. If I stay on the phone too long, I won't be able to let go. Hopefully he's just calling to tell me that he's staying in Osaka or something.

"I'm about to head back that way," he said cheerfully. "I bought frozen takoyaki!" I quietly sighed, trying to tell myself that I had to let go. "I also bought frozen okonomiyaki and frozen pork buns."

"What are you, an idiot? What are you doing going all the way to Osaka and stocking up on frozen foods?"

"What? What's it matter to you? I'm the one who wants to eat them."

I couldn't help but snicker at him. I immediately regretted it. I couldn't let myself love him anymore. I need to let go so he can be happy away from me.

"Not that it really matters, Usagi-san, but have you been living all right this past week?"

My stomach churned and my heart fluttered. Why did he have to care so much? That only made it worse! I couldn't help but act like I normally do around him. I know I'm supposed to let go, but now I honestly doubt if I can. All this doubt came just from hearing his voice… I have to keep him away from me.

"I tried to make a boiled egg in the microwave, and the egg exploded."

"What?! Sheesh! You're unbelievable! So, are you okay? Any injuries?"

"There were injuries."

"No way! Where?!" He sounded so concerned for me.

"In the microwave. It has egg all over it." I heard him groan and I felt relieved. He certainly wouldn't want to stay with someone like me who couldn't do anything for themselves. "Oh, you're mad."

"Of course I am! You jerk!"

I hated myself for doing it, but I have to keep him away from me. "Don't worry. I'm doing just fine without you here."

I heard him gasp on the other end. It felt like my chest was caving in. This is what I have to do. I need to help him realize that I don't need him around. Then he'll stay away from me for sure.

It was too silent. Did he hang up? "Misaki?"

"Uh, yeah," he started, nervously. "Oh, that reminds me. You know, I'll tell you all about it when I get back, but my brother said he's coming up to Tokyo next weekend to see some real estate agents. It's kind of like this big pain, you know? So, um, would it be all right if I left my stuff at your place? I mean, without me there, you're incapable of living like a proper human being, right? I'm sure I'll end up coming over on a regular basis anyway." He then chuckled.

I was floored. My heart and my head were both so confused. I was so happy to hear that from him, but it came at a horrible time. I was supposed to be pushing him away from me. I was supposed to be letting go of him. Instead, I was falling even more in love with him. I couldn't speak.

"Oh, uh, just kidding!" he finally shrieked into the phone. "What're you doing taking it all so seriously? Of course I'll take all my stuff with me. Don't you worry."

His voice faltered at the end and I could hear him sniffle. He gasped for breath as if he was sobbing. Was he? Was he actually crying?

"Well, I'm going to hang up now," he said in a nasally voice.

"Misaki," I stopped him. I heard another sob and sniffle. "Are you crying?"

Another sniff followed. "Like hell I'm crying! You stupid jerk!" He was definitely crying. "Okay, I'm hanging up."

My resolve completely shattered. I couldn't let him go at all. Before I could even think about my actions, I grabbed the keys off the table in front of me.

"Misaki, cancel the ticket that you've got now. Kill time for about three hours."

"Huh? What?"

"When the time comes, wait at the central ticket gates. Got it?"

"Why?"

"I'm heading there now!" I cried as I hung up the phone.

I grabbed my coat and ran out of my penthouse. All the strength I had gathered up the past few days had completely vanished. I couldn't leave him now, especially after that conversation. I couldn't leave him ever. I was too in love with him and there was no turning back.

I realized something as I spoke to him just now that hadn't occurred to me before. Misaki and Ryuto differ in one very important way. The major reason why I couldn't save Ryuto was because he didn't care for me. Misaki, however, is in love with me and wants to stay by my side.

And I will definitely protect him.