DON'T WORRY I'M STILL ALIVE! And I haven't given up on this story! I know it's been forever, but I've had lots of homework to do and papers to write! College sucks... I'm officially counting down the days until winter break.

No promises on when my next update will be... Sorry. But school comes before writing. Love you all!

Chapter 19

I spent my whole life alone. As a child and adolescent, I isolated myself from everyone, even my family. Of course, there were some exceptions, such as my senpai in England, Hiroki, Ryuto, and finally Takahiro. But even with them, I stood far away in terms of letting them know the real me. I knew them and I knew deeper aspects of their personality, but they didn't know me deep down. They knew the Akihiko on the outside, not the one caged up on the inside of my soul.

The main reason I locked myself away was because I didn't want them to know about my demons deep down. I didn't want them to find out that I'm a beast that, once escaped, cannot be locked back up.

When I fell in love with Ryuto, it became increasingly harder and harder to keep myself locked away. I wanted him to know everything about me and I wanted to spend more and more time with him. As I tried to open up to him, he kept pushing me back down. The pain of being rejected by him was worse than anything else I had ever experienced. All the years of loneliness that was piled inside of me lashed out into anger and I became aggressive towards the boy I loved. The aggressive beast inside of me unleashed, and I was powerless to stop it.

When I started to fall in love with Takahiro, after Ryuto's suicide, I knew I could never let the same thing happen again. I tried even harder to lock away the demons. I distanced myself even more from him than I did with Ryuto. It was easy to do, actually. I knew for a fact that he wasn't homosexual and was not in love with me. With Ryuto, I thought for sure that he loved me and he had told me he frequently thought about other men sexually. I let myself start to slip a few times with Takahiro, but I always pulled back before the anger was released. Luckily, he never caught on to my advances and only thought of me as a caring friend.

With Misaki, the beast came out and I, unknowingly, began to merge with it. I only realized that I had let my old self escape when I spent that week away from him. The nightmare I had with Misaki and Ryuto was the turning point. As I looked back, I began to notice the patterns. I was aggressive towards both of them. I was clingy and protective over both of them.

However, Misaki didn't act like I was hurting him like Ryuto did. When he indirectly begged to stay with me and cried on the phone, I knew that he never once thought I was mean to him. He loved me and he knew just how much I treasured him. I knew that night on the train that the two boys were different. I had to stop comparing them. I had to stop living in the past. That would only make me more controlling and it would certainly drive Misaki away.

Misaki… I never knew I could love someone so much.

I never had a problem being alone until I spent that week without him. Even though I spent the whole time pushing him away in my mind, I was still unbearably lonely. When he was finally back with me, I had never been so happy in my life. He is my lifeline. I want to be near him all the time and I want him to know me, all of me, eventually.

I can't hold back and stay away from him. Sometimes, I really wish I could so the beast couldn't hurt him, but it hurts both of us too much to not be together. He didn't actually tell me point-blank that he missed me and was lonely while he was away, but there were signs that I picked up on.

I'm so insecure when it comes to him. I know deep down that he loves me and cares for me, but I just wish he'd say it. Not hearing him say those things makes me wonder if I'm just imagining his feelings for me. After Ryuto, I knew that I shouldn't assume someone else's feelings are what I think they are, especially in a romantic way.

Something about Misaki was different. He seemed to wear his heart on his sleeve and it seemed like he showed more care for those he truly loved. I saw just how much he cared about me and loved me when he cried for me when Takahiro announced his marriage. He's always solicitous towards me and he takes care of me. Is this enough to come to the conclusion that he's in love with me? For now, I think it is.

When Misaki finally came home, it felt as if a huge brick was lifted off of my chest and my heart grew wings and soared. I had never felt so content before in my life, even when I thought I was happy being alone. I didn't want him to leave my sight for more than a few hours ever again. I would miss him way too much.

The day after we returned from his birthday vacation in Sapporo, I could tell that something was bothering him. He hardly spoke to me and kept staring off into space. At dinner time, he pushed the food around on his plate. I sighed as I put down my chopsticks and folded my hands together.

"Misaki." He glanced up at me. "What's wrong?"

"What do you mean? Nothing's wrong." His voice was too low, like he was about to cry.

"Misaki," I repeated sternly, staring right into his eyes.

He groaned and averted my gaze. "Nii-chan will be back in town soon."

At first I was confused and thought he was just trying to change the subject to avoid actually telling me what was bothering him. He never wanted to trouble me with his problems, which actually made me worry about him more. Then I realized what he was trying to say: Takahiro was going to try to take him away from me soon. I had almost forgotten that I still had to convince him to let his brother stay here with me. I was so caught up in the fact that Misaki had expressed that he really wanted to be with me and the fact that my loneliness and self-hatred had almost disappeared, that I had forgotten to talk to his brother.

"I'll talk to him," I assured him, thinking that everything would go back to normal after that. However, he still didn't move or say anything. "You still want to stay here right?"

He quickly jerked his head up. "I-I mean, if that's what you want, I'll stay here. Without me, you might end up dead somewhere."

I chuckled. "You're right. Then I'll call Takahiro and tell him I need to talk to him as soon as he gets back to Tokyo."

He sighed. "Are you sure, Usagi-san?"

I smiled warmly at him. "Absolutely."

Reassured, he smiled back at me and went back to eating. That night, I settled for snuggling with him before going to sleep rather than ravishing him. He was reluctant at first, but finally melted into my embrace.

"Misaki, I love you," I whispered into his ear.

All I heard was a soft grunt as he fell asleep in my arms. I was so happy. There was no way I was letting Takahiro take this happiness away from me.

Takahiro happily agreed to come over to "catch up" with me the second day he was in Tokyo looking at properties. I told him to come over in the morning while Misaki was at school. Immediately he assumed that Misaki had done something to bother me, but I assured him over the phone that he had done nothing wrong.

When I came downstairs that morning to make a cup of tea, I saw that Misaki was putting on his apron in the kitchen. There had been a communication error and he didn't go to school as early as I thought he did. Okay, actually I had completely forgotten that he didn't go in that early. So I told him to hide in the kitchen and I would take Takahiro to the den in the other part of my penthouse.

Convincing Takahiro to let him stay with me was surprisingly easy. I just exaggerated a lot of information, most of which was stuff that Takahiro had told me over the phone. Of course, Misaki was eavesdropping and made a lot of noise, but I quickly lied to his brother and said that I was looking after a neighbor's dog. Luckily, the guy is incredibly dense. I just made it seem like his little brother was so concerned for his well-being (which he was, but I exaggerated it a lot) and he ate it up.

Finally, he agreed to let Misaki stay with me, but only until graduation. After that, he was to find a steady job and his own place so he could live his own normal adult life. When the time comes, I'll have to convince him once again that Misaki needs to stay here with me. Luckily, I have a few more years before that comes.

Misaki was upset with me for "lying" at first, but he quickly got over it and went off to school. Shortly after that, trouble came knocking. By that I mean Isaka-san and Aikawa-san showed up bringing flowers. Once again, my terrible memory caused me to forget that they were coming to meet with me about my award ceremony that was coming up and then go to the press conference.

The phone began ringing off the hook with people congratulating me and people wanting to interview me. Even other publishing companies were trying to talk to me. I had become even more famous than before. I didn't get it. It was just the Kikukawa Award. Well, I guess that's just what comes with the job.

Isaka-san and Aikawa-san overdid it, as usual. There was talk of interviews, press releases, and parties, all of which they know I don't do. It was extremely annoying and I couldn't wait until they left. That sense of urgency I felt only increased when Misaki came home.

"Uh, um, I heard that Usagi-san won an award?" he asked as he came in the house.

That's right; I had neglected to mention that I was nominated. I was too busy caught up in the emotional whirlwind over the past few weeks. Of course, he should have expected me to win an award. I am the Great Lord Usami, after all.

Aikawa-san immediately handed him my book, The Box that Shelters the Moon. The phone began to ring again and I felt a pain in my head. I begged Misaki to unplug the phone but Aikawa-san answered it. I sighed and griped to Isaka-san, who just launched into more plans about parties and conferences, making my head hurt even more.

"What did you think of this book, Misaki?" I heard Aikawa-san ask.

"What? Oh, um, I'm sorry. I haven't…"

"What? You haven't read it yet?"

I glanced up at the two. "Oh, no, that's not it. It's not that… I… When I open a book and there are more than 10 lines of text, I suffer mysterious palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness, and numbness in my limbs…"

"So you haven't read it," Aikawa-san, Isaka-san, and I all said at the same time.

I admit that I was disappointed that he didn't read it. I had just come to revelation that I wanted to share everything with him, but he didn't read my work, the only damn thing I'm good at. I was a little jealous, for some unknown reason. My controlling side was obviously getting to me again.

"It doesn't really matter," I sighed. "The contents are nothing special."

"That's being modest," my editor said, trying to cheer me up.

"Oh that reminds me!" Isaka-san piped in. "Keep the day after the award ceremony open. We'll be hosting a party."

"No need to host one," I grumbled.

The arrogant man chuckled. "It's too late! All the arrangements have already been made." Of course… "How many years do you think I've known you?"

"I'd love to sever the relationship and be done with it," I said smugly.

"Oh, speaking of severing relationships, I contacted Haruhiko and told him to come to the party too."

My eyes went wide and my blood ran cold at the mention of that name. The prick invited my brother. I just wanted to bury the past and let it rot in the ground, but Haruhiko would just dig it back up. I didn't want him in my sights, ever.

"Haruhiko?" Misaki questioned.

I could feel my heart pounding against my rib cage. No way in hell was Misaki going to have any contact with my asshole older brother. If he found out about my past, especially from my brother… I don't know what would happen, but I certainly didn't want to find out.

"Oh you don't know? He's Akihiko's older brother."

"Don't you understand that I keep asking you not to do such meddlesome things?" I angrily spat.

Before more harsh words could be exchanged, Aikawa-san stepped in and made us get ready to go. It was too late. I was beyond pissed that Isaka-san would do this to me. I didn't want to see my brother, and I certainly didn't want Misaki to meet him. If he's still the same as he was 10 years ago, he'll want to take Misaki away from me… or do something worse.

If he tells Misaki about Ryuto, I swear I'll strangle him.