Chapter 23

My brother would constantly take things from me when we were younger. Toys, books, my notebooks with stories in them, my friends, you name it. He was incredibly jealous that our father chose my mother over his mother. He hated sharing the affection of our father with another child. As a way of lashing out, he stole my personal belongings. He tried to turn my own friends against me. I didn't have many friends, so it turned out to be pretty pointless, but he still tried...

Even with Ryuto… Come to think of it: that was probably the catalyst for what happened 11 years ago.

I'm not sure what my brother's sexual orientation is, but if he had known about Takahiro he would have tried to steal him away too. If I had to guess, I would assume that Isaka-san told him about Misaki being my lover and now he wanted to take him from me.

How disgusting. What kind of human being is this guy? Why do I have to be related to him?

I watched as Misaki thanked the room service lady and closed the door. He turned around and started walking away, with the bouquet of flowers still in hand. As if I wasn't irritated enough already, he was going to make me mad too.

"Hurry up and return those flowers," I demanded. Giving them back was probably the best way to let my brother know that he wasn't interested in him.

"Eh? But the person himself was already left."

"If that's the case then throw them out."

"What? But that's impolite."

Jealousy began to boil up inside of me. Why in the world would Misaki accept flowers from somebody else? Especially my brother, whom he didn't seem too fond of. The kid always refused stuff from me, and I'm his lover! In fact…

I crossed my arms and glared at him. "So you can receive flowers from a man, but you can't receive clothes from me?"

He immediately became flustered. "Um, uh, Usagi-san, that's going a bit too far! I don't have anywhere to wear the clothes that you gave me!"

I could tell that he realized his error and was trying to ignore it. Honestly, it would have been better if he had just apologized and said he was going to make it right. However, Misaki could sometimes be quite stubborn, especially when he's trying to please people.

The anger inside of me was about to burst. I didn't want to take anything out of him, so I turned around to leave. I gave him the excuse that I was going out to buy more cigarettes. In reality, I probably would too. Right then, I just had to leave the area and go drive to let out some steam.

As I drove to the tobacco store, all I could think about was Misaki leaving me for Haruhiko. Deep down, I knew it was so unlikely, but I still felt anxious about it. If that were to happen, I don't know what I would do. Also just as bad, if he got too close to my brother, he would definitely find out about my past and all the demons I have locked away.

Would Misaki be able to forgive me for what I've done?

I've asked myself this question a million times now, and I never seem to come up with a straight-forward answer. I'm too scared to find out the truth. The consequences may be too much for me to handle.

But then… it's just like Haruhiko said. I'm just turning away from reality.

When I finally reached the store, I had come to a conclusion. I would tell Misaki one day. One day… but probably not anytime soon. It will take a lot of courage and preparation before I can tell him my side of the story. Hopefully, he doesn't hear it from my brother before then.

When I got back to the hotel, the door to our suite was open and I could hear Aikawa-san's voice coming out of it. As I walked closer, I could hear that she was talking about me.

"Right now, Usami-sensei is in good spirits. You should keep things as they are. Later, it will probably become stormy."

I walked in the doorway behind her. "What are you two yapping about?"

She stiffened at first and then began to panic a little, flailing her arms around. "Ahh, sensei! Welcome back! I just came to deliver the last of the packages. Well, until next time! Bye!"

Without making eye contact, she turned around and left, practically sprinting down the hallway. Misaki called after her, but she didn't stop for him. I sighed and closed the door. My lover stared up at me, but didn't say anything. He still looked very anxious. Instead of talking to him, I went into the den and turned on the television. I wasn't in the mood to talk.

"Um, U-Usagi-san," I heard from behind me. I turned to see him blushing madly. "Thank you for the clothes! They weren't particularly a bother to receive them. That wasn't the case at all. It's just that when you do something too extreme, like that, it just somehow surprises me. I mean, if anyone walked in and saw a tower of boxes, they would be surprised, right?"

It made me feel a little bit better that he was trying to cheer me up. "I thought that they would all suit you."

He sighed. "I get it already. I heard it from Aikawa-san! When Usagi-san chose these for me, he chose them with all his heart and mind."

So that's what they were going on about.

"However," he began as he stared at his feet, "this sort of thing, to do for me, I guess it makes me… very happy."

I could only imagine what sort of crazy thoughts Aikawa-san implanted into his mind, but it did make me happy to hear those words from him. Still, I was upset that she would tell him about my feelings before I had the chance to.

"But hey, you know what? Since I think receiving so many of these is such a waste, is it okay if I choose one item from all these boxes that I like the most? That's okay, isn't it?! That'd be fine, right?!"

I smiled. He was good at compromising. I got up to help him pick out the best looking suit. However… in the end, I truly believed that they all looked great on him and convinced him to keep them all. Every single one. When he realized what was going on, he seemed kind of upset.

I slightly chuckled. "I love you, Misaki."

He picked up several of the boxes to haul them back to the bedroom. "Idiot Usagi!" was all he replied.

That was another thing that really made me anxious. He never tells me that he loves me. Deep down, I know he does. But, never hearing him say it really worries me. And he always hates when I'm the one saying it to him. I know he gets embarrassed by it but does he really hate it that much? What's wrong with telling the person you love how much you truly care about them?

That was all I could think about as Misaki fixed us some brunch before we had to start getting ready for the party. As if that wasn't enough, the notion of just the party itself was stressing me out. In a couple hours I would have to parade around the hotel ballroom, shaking hands with strangers, putting on a fake smile, and pretending to give a shit about everything. That all sounded very, very horrible.

My anger only escalated when I sat down in the living room to eat. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that the flowers my brother had sent to Misaki were sitting on a stand in a vase. Why did he keep those? He should have thrown them away like I told him to. This was unacceptable. You don't keep flowers given to you from someone else when you already have a lover.

I tried to calm my nerves by drinking a cup of black coffee. It was stimulating, but I needed more. I lit up a cigarette and began to chain smoke. I went back and forth between drinking and smoking, which seemed to get on Misaki's nerves.

"Really, Usagi-san," he sighed. "Drink or smoke. Pick one." I glared at him as I puffed on my cigarette. "This party is part of your work, right?"

"Well, I didn't ask for it."

"Hey, I don't think you should talk like that." He was practically scolding me as if I were a child. "It'd be good for you to partake of the world at large once in a while."

I grunted. "If I have the time to partake of that, I'd rather partake of your co-"

As I said this, he slammed his fork onto his plate, stabbing his food. The loud noise effectively drowned out what he didn't want to hear me say. I wasn't sure if he just didn't want to hear it, or if it surprised him just hearing it.

He stood up and glared at me. "I've taken the time to actually come with you, so be good and go socialize! I'm done eating!"

He walked away from me, practically shaking with anger. I started to feel bad about making him come, but I remembered what Isaka-san had told me. That didn't seem right… He wanted to come and experience luxury, right?

"What are you saying? I'm here because you said you wanted to come."

Oh shit. That bastard tricked me into going by using Misaki against me! I was definitely going to have a thing or two to say to him later tonight.

"Sheesh!" I heard my lover cry from the bathroom. "It's not like I have a lot of free time, you know. I have to get ready for my second-term exams too."

"But it's okay once in a while, right? To savor being lovey-dovey lovers in a hotel suite?" I stood up and began walking to the bathroom as well.

"And just who are these lovey-dovey lovers?" he mumbled.

I stood in the doorway to find him brushing his teeth. "Why are you so reluctant to admit to it?" I asked as I folded my arms over my chest.

"What do you mean?" he asked. At least, that's what I thought he said. It was hard to tell when his mouth was full of toothpaste and his toothbrush.

"I have yet to hear you say that you love me."

He tensed up. "Wh-What?! Why are you suddenly bringing that up? I-I've said it! I don't remember when it was, but I definitely said it!"

"Your declarations of love are always preceded by 'might' or followed by 'probably.'"

He spit angrily into the sink and began to wash his face. "What does that matter? We're both Japanese men here, so let's be noncommittal."

I was feeling a little hurt that he wouldn't fully admit to it. Sure, he had admitted that he said it even if he added in the words 'might' or probably.' However, I'm a greedy person and I want more. I didn't want either of us to be noncommittal. I committed myself to him fully and I wanted him to do the same for me.

As he dried his face with his towel, I came up behind him, pressing into his back. I wondered if he could feel my racing heart against his back. I could feel his heart speed up as I got closer to him.

"Why don't you admit to it already?"

"Uh, admit to what?" he said, playing dumb, but I was pretty sure that he knew exactly what I meant.

Still, I had to torture him just a little. "I love you, Usagi-san," I said, mimicking what he should be admitting to.

"HUH?!"

"When I think about you, Usagi-san, I get all fuzzy in the head."

"Not happening!"

"I feel flushed all over."

"Not happening. Not happening!"

"And I just can't live without you anymore."

"That. Is. Not. Happening!" he cried out, enunciating every word. He pushed back against me and freed himself. "Seriously, quit taking your stress out on me!"

Would he ever realize that he's part of the reason for my stress sometimes? He started to leave the bathroom, but I couldn't let him. I reached out and grabbed his hand to pull him back. I leaned forward to kiss him. He gasped as my lips neared his. His breath was so warm. Already I was feeling much lighter inside. Ah, yes, this was just what I needed. Just a few kisses from Misaki would do the trick.

However, he had other ideas. Before my lips could land on his, his hands pressed on my chest to push me away. He clenched his eyes shut and didn't dare look up at me. He was either really embarrassed or very angry. Maybe both?

"That's enough already!" he yelled. "Do you think it's okay to just do whatever you want, whenever you feel like it?!"

We're lovers. We each are allowed to kiss and hold each other and be intimate with each other whenever we want. Since he will never make the first move, I have to. So, of course I'm going to try to do things whenever I have the chance.

I shrugged off his hands and leaned forward. "I do. Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, sir," he sighed before shrugging me off completely and walking out of the bathroom.

I didn't want to let the argument die at that point, but the buzzer to our suite was ringing. It had to be either Isaka-san or Aikawa-san coming to drag us out to the party. Whoever it was, they were going to be so pissed when they realized that neither of us were ready. I didn't even care; I wasn't ready to force myself to go to their stupid party.

"Ahhh, Aikawa-san!" I heard Misaki say as I sneaked away to the bedroom. "I'm so sorry! Is it time?! Ahh, I'll be getting ready then! Usagi-san too!"

"Akihiko, you bastard!" Isaka-san yelled. "How can you not be ready for your own party?!"

I sighed and slammed the bedroom door, making sure to lock the dead bolt. As much as I didn't want to do this, it would be a waste of everyone's time to not go through with it. I'm pretty sure that Isaka-san has never murdered anyone, but I would be his first victim if I called off the whole thing now.

When I finished getting into my nicest suit, I lit up a cigarette and walked into the den. Misaki had just come out of the bathroom after getting ready and was fidgeting with his tie. It was completely crooked and wrinkled. In a way, it was kind of cute that he had no idea how to be sophisticated. One of the reasons why I loved him was because he was so common and modest.

"Oi, let's go!" Isaka-san growled impatiently from the door. "The party will be starting very soon."

Aikawa-san was glowing with excitement as she led us out of our suite and down the hall to the elevator. The whole way she talked about who was going to attend, what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to act, what I was supposed to say, and even what I was supposed eat. Everything I was supposed to do sounded so damn boring. Even when we reached the ballroom, she still hadn't shut up.

As she was blabbing on about the layout of the room, I glanced over at Misaki. He was fidgeting with his tie again. It had become even more crooked and was starting to come undone. He frowned and his eyebrows furrowed in anger.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

His anger dissipated. "Oh, nothing. The tie just keeps going crooked, no matter what I do."

"Let me see that."

I took the tie completely off and repositioned it around his neck. He suddenly looked very upset, almost as if he was disappointed with something.

"It's like I'm a brat or something…" he mumbled.

"You are a brat." He was so young and didn't understand many of the things in the adult world.

"But it's not like I can help it! This is only my third time wearing a suit."

I finished with the tie and tucked it into the vest of his suit. It was perfectly tied and hung down nicely. I put my hand on his shoulder to try to tell him that everything was going to be okay.

Before I could actually say those things out loud, Aikawa-san called me over to a door. I followed her inside and she pointed at where I was to stand during my mandatory speech. She bored me with a few other pointless details before I finally managed to slip away from her for a few seconds.

Then I saw Misaki standing with Isaka-san. The boy looked troubled by something. When the director turned away, he was looking as smug as ever. What in the world could they have possibly been talking about? Ah, he probably had a few stupid things he wanted Misaki to do as well.

I walked up to my lover, but the worried look in his eyes remained. "Everything okay?"

As soon as I spoke, he put on a fake smile. "Ah, uh, yes. Everything's fine! I'm gonna go get some refreshments!"

He quickly turned and headed back to the main ballroom. How odd. Isaka-san had to have said something unnecessary to him in order to disturb him like that. However, I didn't have any time to dwell on the issue as the party was underway.

I couldn't keep track of how many hands I shook, how many names I learned, or how many business cards I collected. The whirlwind of people was unbearable. I tried to stay close to Misaki, but we kept getting separated by people who would pull me aside. I was ready to go back home after just meeting three or four people. However, I still had the speech to get through.

When it was finally time for me to speak, I gracefully made my way across the stage. A bright spotlight was aimed on me and it became very warm. Everyone clapped as I approached the microphone. As much as I hated to put up a front to these strangers, Aikawa-san and Isaka-san would kill me if I didn't play nice. So I put on a huge fake smile as I addressed the crowd.

"I'm Usami Akihiko!" Tons of women in the audience were swooning over me. "I appreciate you making time in your busy schedules to come today, and I am deeply grateful for this splendid event." I paused to let everyone applaud me thanking them. "The work that gratifyingly won the award upon this occasion may be considered unique among the books I have written. In fact, there were times when I came to a standstill while writing it, but I am very happy that I was able to get it published. I am also deeply grateful to everyone at Marukawa Books. But most of all, I greatly appreciate each and every one of my fans. Without any of you, the power and will to write such deep novels would be obsolete. So thank you all very much."

I smiled widely before bowing before the crowd. All the women were swooning and everyone was applauding me. I must admit that it felt good that all these people were here just for me and that they all adored my work so much. I just wish I could appreciate stuff like that without having to speak in front of these large crowds of people.

As I began to exit the stage, a large group of women surrounded the steps. I kept my smile plastered on as they all congratulated me and sucked up to me. Rather than shoving them all away and being rude, I thanked them and told them to have a good time. I turned and walked away from the mob, determined to find Misaki.

More people came up to me and congratulated me. All the men were practically bowing at my feet. It gave a strange sense of power, but I still felt lonely. I just wanted to find my lover. I scanned the room until I finally saw him back by the mob of women that had practically attacked me as I exited the stage after my speech. I wondered why he was standing there and not following me.

"Misaki," I called out to him, about to beg him to join me.

Suddenly, a hand grasped my shoulder. "Come along now, Usami-sensei."

It was my worst nightmare, Isaka-san. He grabbed my arm and tugged me away. He introduced me to some author that I didn't give a shit about, even if he was one of the people that nominated me for the award. I shook his hand anyways, knowing that I had to play nice if I wanted to survive the night.

Before he could chat my ear off much more, people in the room began to gasp. I turned the entry way to see that Tsukishiro Aya, the famous actress had arrived. She was invited to the party because she was going to play the heroine of my novel in the movie adaptation that was already in the works. Although she definitely looked like the women I had wrote about in my book, her character was nothing like it. This woman was nothing but a money-hungry tramp and I wanted nothing to do with her.

Luck was not on my side, however, as she came up to me and handed me a big bouquet of flowers. She congratulated me and said some bullshit about she was so honored to play one of my characters. I could hardly concentrate on what she was saying. I just wanted to get away from her before people got the wrong idea about us, especially Misaki! I looked around desperately trying to find him.

When the actress had finally stopped talking, I excused myself to look for Misaki. I kept getting stopped by people, but I kept my eyes out for him. It was starting to become a hopeless search. He had to have gone back to the suite. It must have gotten too overwhelming for him and he had to go lay down. That sounded like a great idea. There was nothing I wanted more than to be in bed with him.

As I began to walk out of the main ballroom, Isaka-san grabbed my arm. "Where the hell do you think you're going?!" he sneered, trying to keep his voice down to a whisper.

"Calm down! I'm just using the restroom," I lied.

He didn't seem satisfied with that answer, but he didn't want to cause a scene either. He let go of my arm and I quickly rushed around the corner to the elevator. Luckily, everyone was still in the main room and not out in the halls. When the elevator doors closed, I released a heavy sigh, relieved to be away from the huge crowds.

When I reached the right floor, I unlocked the door to our suite and called out for Misaki. When I didn't get an answer, I started to search the place. He wasn't in the kitchen, the den, the bedroom, or any of the bathrooms. I was starting to worry.

Where in the world could he possibly have run off to?

What kind of trouble could he have possibly gotten himself into now?