Welp... This may be my longest chapter of this fic to-date. But now it's time to break away from the story line of the manga/anime. I hope no one gets too angry at me for this and for what I have planned...
Chapter 28: Say Something (Part 2)
I had no idea how Sumi had found out about Ryuto. The only people who knew, besides the ones that were there back then, were the ones I really trusted. There was no way that one of them told him what happened. Ryuto couldn't have told anybody before he passed away – there was hardly any time for him to speak up. The only people I could think of were my father and my brother. They were blackmailing me somehow. They were the only ones who could have possibly done this. They had threatened me before. They obviously followed through. I was going to murder them for this.
But… what was the point? It's out there now… Sumi must have told Misaki everything that he knew. This is it… It's all over now. He's not going to want to see me ever again. And then there's my whole career situation if Sumi would tell anybody else. But who gives a damn about that if I can't have Misaki by my side anymore?
I felt so defeated and empty inside. There were several shapeless emotions swirling around inside of me: anger, sadness, loneliness, betrayal. I was so close to breaking down, but I couldn't do that in front of this kid, who was somehow in love with me, even after he knew what a monster I was.
One of his hands that were on my chest slid up to caress my cheek. It was absolutely violating, but I was too numb to feel anything. His thumb ran across my bottom lip and he moved in closer. I then felt his other hand start to pull my shirt up. I should have tried to push him away, but I just didn't care anymore. He could do whatever he wanted to me. I was done for anyways.
Suddenly, a loud bang echoed through my ears as a door crashed open. "You're wrong!" a familiar voice cried out.
My heart stopped again as I looked up through my bangs. Misaki stood in the entryway of an open sliding door. The room behind him looked almost like a bedroom and a futon and blanket lay on the floor. How dare Sumi come on to me when he was right there in the other room! Was he making fun of me? Of us?
"You're definitely wrong about that!" he yelled again, his face twisting in anger. He started storming towards us. "That's not – " He stopped dead in his tracks and a look of extreme anxiousness appeared on his face. "What?! What the hell are you guys doing?!"
I couldn't believe that he was denying what Sumi said. Did that mean that the kid didn't tell him anything or did he just not believe it? Surely after hearing what happened in the past would have made him aware of how true Sumi's words were. He must not know… which would make me feel a little bit better if it wasn't for the fact that everything was true. I had forced him from the start.
The brat that hung over me turned his head to look at my lover. "Say, Misaki, won't you give this guy to me?" His look became bewildered. "You're always complaining about Usami and trying to avoid him. And to be honest, I think I know more about him than you do."
He now looked like he was both in shock and in pain. "What? Er, but…" He stopped and just stared at us with wide eyes. I wanted him to say something – anything – to let his friend know that he really did love me.
"There's no need for you to stay with a guy you don't actually like," Sumi continued.
"No… It's not like I'm really…" He obviously had no idea what to say to make everything stop, so he just stopped speaking again. My heart was breaking into pieces. Everything was about to fall apart and he still couldn't admit that he loved me.
"I'll take responsibility for him, so you can just go back to your brother or something."
He paused, as if giving Misaki time to say something. However, he still didn't say a word. The guy smirked and turned back to me, reaching up to my face again. As he pulled my face up, I didn't even try to fight back. If Misaki didn't want me or didn't love me, then what was the point of doing anything? I just wanted to break down and cry, yet I still held onto a small hope that he would stop him. As Sumi brought my face closer and closer to try to kiss me, that hope dwindled and nearly died.
"NO!" Misaki shrieked just before his friend's lips collided with mine. He rushed forward and grabbed me by my arm to pull me up. His hands gripped me for dear life. "I'm not letting you or anyone else have him!" His voice was so angry and afraid. "Usagi-san is mine!"
It was enough of a confession for me to make me feel better inside. However, the whole atmosphere and the situation was still depressing. I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. When we got home, I would hold Misaki as tight as I could and not let him go.
He stood there beside me, still clutching onto me as if he was terrified of losing me, breathing heavily in anger. Both Sumi and I stared at him in surprise. I didn't expect him to confess that or get angry at his friend like that. That must mean that his feelings for me are strong after all… at least that's what I thought
The grip on my arm loosened. "I mean, uh," Misaki said softly, "that is to say…"
I grabbed his wrist in order to stop him. I knew that he was about to take back what he said so he wouldn't hurt his friend's feelings. However, his friend was a terrible person that didn't deserve an apology. My grip on his wrist tightened as Sumi stood up to face us.
"There you have it," I said to him as I started to leave, dragging the younger boy with me. "The one I love is Misaki. Not you."
As I opened the door to leave, I let go of my lover's wrist and immediately regretted it. He stopped following me and I could hear him trying to talk to his so-called friend. I sternly yelled at him to leave, and he almost reluctantly came with me. We quickly left the house and got in the car.
All the way home, Misaki didn't say a word and I couldn't speak either. He had, in a way, confessed to me, but it still wasn't enough… In the back of my mind, I couldn't help but think that he just wanted me because he didn't want to return to his brother's place. I kept making up other excuses as to why he would want to stay with me. I wouldn't be truly happy until he could actually say those three little words and somehow show me how much he did love me.
As soon as we reached the penthouse, he began to rant angrily to me all the way up to our suite. "Really, what the hell?! If you've got time to give me crap about it, think about yourself!" He stormed into the den and I followed close behind him. "What in the world were you doing?! You're more vulnerable than I am!" He stopped and turned to me, looking frustrated. "Hey, are you listening?!"
Instead of answering, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close to me. My face rested into the crook of his neck, taking in his wonderful scent. I just wanted him to say it again or just prove to me what I really mean to him.
"Wh-What is it? Let go!" He grabbed my jacket and pulled on it, trying to get my attention. "I'm seriously mad, you know!"
My heart was aching for him as I reached up to tangle my fingers in his chocolate locks. "I love you," I whispered into his ear, hoping he'd say something back to me.
He scoffed. "Y-You always try to gloss things over like that!"
My heart continued to break. I just needed him to take away all of my insecurities. I needed to hear that my father and Sumi were wrong. Did I force him into anything? Did I just repeat my past all over again?
"I love you!" I repeated, putting more emphasis on my words.
Misaki's hands pushed on my chest, making me drop my arms. His face looked flushed, even in the dark, but angry. "Shut up! I'm going to sleep already!"
As he tried to walk away from me, his foot stepped on mine and he tripped. Out of reflex, I extended my arm and caught him before he fell on his face. Catching him also brought me down and we both landed on our knees on the floor. I wasn't ready to let him go, so I pulled him close to me again.
"I love you."
"Wh-What the hell?"
"I don't care if you don't like. I'll never let you go."
"Usagi-san?" His voice nearly came out as a whimper. Was he worried about something? Did he not want to stay with me after all?
"If you ran away," I continued, "I would probably capture you and lock you away."
"Come on, that's crazy."
"I know it is," I said with a sigh.
"Usagi-san, what's wrong?" He definitely sounded worried. "You're acting kind of weird."
As much as I would hate for him to leave, I know I couldn't really lock him away. If he didn't want to stay with me, I can't force him to. Just like I couldn't force him to love me. I didn't want to force him anymore than I already had. Now, I just needed to know his true feelings for me. If he can admit that I'm his, he can admit that he has strong feelings for me, right?
"Misaki, kiss me." Just that simple act would be enough for me right now.
I felt him tense up in my arms before he pushed on my chest again. "I-I can't! I'll abstain! It's too high-level for me!" He quickly stood up to try to get away from me. "Anyway, let's turn the lights on! Being in the dark is bad in all sorts of ways!"
I stood up and followed him to the door, grabbing his wrist again. He turned slightly which allowed me to take hold of his other wrist. He backed up and I lightly pushed him until his back hit the wall.
"W-Wait, Usagi-san! What the hell?! Why – "
Before he could continue, I pressed my lips to his and immediately ran my tongue over his bottom lip. His lips practically opened automatically and my tongue began to massage his. I kept kissing him harder and harder. At first, he wasn't resisting, which made me very happy. I could hear light whimpers, and I assumed they were out of pleasure and not fear.
Suddenly he tore his lips away. "S-Stop," he whimpered. I weakly kissed his cheek, trying to convey to him just how much he meant to me. "What's gotten into you? You're being totally weird today."
My heart snapped. I couldn't believe that even after he confessed in front of Sumi that I belonged to him, he still couldn't admit to just me or himself that I meant anything to him. My chest ached and I didn't know what to do. I stared at him and he stared back in shock. All I wanted to know was that he loved me and nothing was forced. Defeated, I hugged him again and began to fall to my knees. He came down with me and I held him tight, too afraid to let go.
The only thing I could think to do… the only thing I wanted to do… the only way I knew how to make him realize how much he meant to me… it was exactly what had gotten us into the whole situation in the first place.
Feverishly, I kissed him again, pouring my heart and soul into it. I had to make it count. If he could just see how much I love him this time, then maybe he can tell me or show me that he feels the same way. Since it seems like he doesn't have a clue about Ryuto, then I can make this work.
My mind went blank except for the sensations I was feeling and the end goal that I had in mind. I felt the inside of his mouth and his tongue with mine. It wasn't long before I realized that my mouth was on his chest. I couldn't remember how or when I progressed to that stage. His short moans and pants were faint, mostly because my mind was nearly shutting down. He spoke, but all I could hear was the word "stop." After everything that had happened, I knew that I should have listened and let go of him, but I didn't. I kept going… kept forcing him.
Eventually, my mouth ended up on his most private area. I felt him shivering beneath me as my tongue licked and stroked his member. It didn't take long before his whole body jolted and he reached his climax. My mind was still fuzzy as I looked up at his stunned face. His lips were moving, but I couldn't hear anything he was saying.
This was bad. And I knew it was bad. I knew I was wrong…
But I just couldn't stop.
Without even thinking, I unzipped my pants and forced Misaki to turn around. I grabbed onto his hips and forced myself into him, without even preparing his body first. He cried out loudly. I couldn't hear anything before, but I heard that cry loud and clear. It wasn't a cry of pleasure. It was a cry in pain.
"It hurts!"
His scream and the way he said those words were going to be burned into my brain forever. Of all the times we've done this, he had never once cried out in pain like that. It had been a long time since he said that it hurt. This must have been the worst I had ever taken him before. Why now? Why after everything that had just happened did I have to be this forceful?
The demon inside of me had been released again.
My mind went completely dark and the next thing I remember was seeing Misaki asleep on the floor. I felt absolutely horrible for what had just happened. Even though I felt so guilty for forcing him, I went and did it again. He didn't want it and I hurt him this time. What kind of monster was I?
Gathering all the strength I had left, I lifted the boy up and carried him to the couch. His breathing was steady and his face looked peaceful. How could I hurt the one I love the most like this? Again…
It was then that I made my decision. It would take a lot of planning and time, but it had to be done, for Misaki's sake.
In the meantime, I went upstairs to grab a soft, warm blanket. As I laid it over the sleeping boy, my heart pounded. It felt as if someone was squeezing it. I reached out a shaky hand to ruffle his hair, just like I always did. He didn't move as I did so. I let my hand linger for just a little bit longer…
"I bet that's how it went with Misaki, too, right? I could kind of tell from seeing how Misaki reacts to you." Sumi's words rang through my head.
I love you. That's why… That's why I have to do this.
I spent the next few days carrying out my plan. There were millions of phone calls to make and a lot of things to keep track of. I kept looking for some sign from Misaki that would make me stop, but he didn't do anything. Everything was normal. All I wanted was for him to say something, but he didn't.
As the day got closer, I began to realize that it wasn't going to happen. My father and Sumi had been right. I was forcing him and controlling him. I was from the very beginning. It wasn't long before he would find out the truth. It hurt to know that he would find out, but what hurt the most was knowing that I was losing him. It made me numb inside, but at the same time my heart was aching. I tried my best to act normal around him, but it was hard to not act how I felt inside: in pain.
On that final day, Misaki was in the kitchen cooking salmon that his brother and sister-in-law had sent from their vacation trip to Hokkaido. They had also sent some amazingly rare wooden bear carvings. For some reason, which we didn't understand, they had sent us three of the same statue.
"Could we just keep one of my brother's souvenirs and give the rest away?" he asked as I walked into the kitchen to get another cup of coffee.
"Sure."
"I'm giving Senpai some salmon, so maybe I'll give him a statue while I'm at it."
At the mention of his friend, my mood immediately plummeted back into despair. I had been doing well at keeping everything together for the past few days, but I feared that I was going to break down again. Did I really want to do this? Did Misaki really want me to do this? We only had a little bit of time left to fix things…
"Oh, and Usagi-san, I – "
Before he could finish, I wrapped my arms around his chest and squeezed him, wanting to feel him as much as I could. Maybe… just maybe… he could admit that he feels something for me today. Then maybe everything would be okay.
"H-H-Hey! Usagi-san, you stu-" he began as I kissed his neck. "I've got the burner going! It's dangerous!"
I sucked on the soft flesh of his neck and caressed his chest. He dropped the chopsticks he was using to stir the food with. I pulled him away from the stove and lowered us to the floor. My fingers lightly traced one of his nipples over his sweater until the bud began to harden. I playfully pinched it, making him cry out in pleasure.
"Q-Quit it! Hey!" he yelled at me.
I stopped. Didn't he realize what was about to happen? My chest felt like it was caving in again. All I wanted, more than anything else in the world, was this boy that I held in my arms. However, I knew I couldn't hurt him any longer. I screwed everything up. I didn't know how to fix it. The only thing I could do was rely on him to make me feel like everything wasn't about to go to waste… or force myself to leave.
"Misaki," I whispered. "I… I…"
I love you.
Suddenly, he jumped out of my arms and ran to the stove. "Oh, sheesh! The miso soup boiled over! Oh no! Look at the time!"
This was the last chance we had to settle everything between us…
He ran to grab his stuff to leave for school. This was bad. If he left without saying anything to me, then it would all be over for good… Why? Why can't you just say what you feel, Misaki? Why can't I be a better person?
As he put on his shoes at the door, he was talking about what I could do for dinner tonight since he would be working. I walked up behind him and stared at the floor. If I looked at him anymore, I wouldn't be able to hold back. I knew I had to do this. For his sake… I must endure this.
"Misaki, why don't you try living on your own for a while?"
He paused and turned to me. "What?"
This was the absolute last chance. If he doesn't say anything about wanting to stay or loving me… then I'll let him go. If he does admit his feelings, then I swear we can work things out. But… I'm afraid that won't happen. That's why I've been planning to leave for the past few days. I know it's over… It was all forced from the beginning. He doesn't really feel anything for me. This was all so he wouldn't burden his brother. He put up with me for the sake of someone else's happiness.
Neither of us spoke for a few moments. The air between us felt too awkward and broken. I felt my heart dropping into the pit of my stomach. It was then that I knew that he wasn't going to say anything to make things better. This was it. It was over…
"Huh? Wha… Oh… Oh, I see! My brother said something to you, didn't he?" He walked up to me and patted me on the shoulder, his voice sounding rather chipper. I didn't feel any better after his pats that were supposed to be comforting. "He's so darn overprotective! You don't have to worry about everything he says."
"No," I simply said, my voice dark.
Again, we stood there in complete silence for a few moments. Neither one of us moved. I didn't dare look up to see the emotions on his face. If I looked at him, I might change my mind. I didn't want to do that… If I want Misaki to be happy, then I have to let him go.
"Oh, shoot!" he finally cried and turned around. "I'm seriously going to be late! Um, I'm just gonna go!" At that, he opened the door and left in a hurry, leaving me all alone… for good.
I had been doing so well keeping everything bottled up inside, but it all finally hit me like a train wreck. My chest felt so empty yet ached so badly at the same time. I couldn't stop the tears that formed in my eyes. I crumpled to the floor in pain and just let everything flow out of me, until my lungs were beginning to burn.
I'm sorry, Misaki. I'm sorry for everything I've done to you. If only I wasn't so blind… I could have seen that you didn't want this. If only I would have taken things slower. If only I wasn't me…
After an eternity of crying and begging him to forgive me in my mind, I finally got up off the floor and picked up the phone. The moving company arrived in only half an hour. As they retrieved all of my belongings that I had already packed away, I sat down on the couch and wrote Misaki a note. It was only fair that he knew that I wasn't coming back and that I was sorry. I also made sure to tell him that I was leaving the condo to him. I would continue to pay all of the bills every month, so he would have a place to stay. The only thing was I would be gone. But… maybe then he could focus on doing really well in school and getting a good job.
"Do you want us to take this bear as well, Usami-san?" a mover asked from behind me.
I turned to Suzuki-san beside me. He was my favorite bear; my most prized possession. I had literally hundreds of others like him, but no other stuffed bear compared to him.
"No. Leave this one here."
"Got it. Everything is all packed and ready. You can do a walk through, if you like, and make sure we got everything. Then we'll follow you to your new home."
I sighed and nodded. The mover walked away and I finished up the note. The best place I could think to put it was on Suzuki-san. I thought that Misaki might be just a little upset that I was gone, so I thought my bear might be able to help him through it. After placing the note and several thousand yen in an envelope, I attached it to the ribbon around the bear's neck with a safety pin.
After a quick walk through of the house, I gathered up my shoes and coat. My body was feeling numb again, but I knew I could break down at any second. I took a deep breath and turned towards the door. As I left, I gave the apartment one last glance, knowing that I would probably never come back again.
I'm sorry… I love you…