Song: Comatose - Skillet

Okay, I decided to write another chapter in Misaki's point of view! Then it will be back to Akihiko's for the rest of the fic, I swear! Not many chapters left you guys! I'm sorry if Misaki seems too OOC here, but he's very heartbroken and angry!

Chapter 30: Comatose

The first few nights at Nii-chan's place were rough. As if my heartbreak wasn't enough, being put into a new living situation made things almost unbearable. I was just getting used to sleeping in a luxurious bed with another person, and now I was sleeping on a futon in a small guest bedroom. It's not that I wasn't grateful for Nii-chan for taking me in. It's just that it didn't feel like home at all.

I had called that spacious apartment that I shared with Usagi-san my home for close to a year. In retrospect, it wasn't a very long time at all. The house Nii-chan currently lived in wasn't the same one we used to live in before I graduated from high school, so I thought maybe that's why it didn't seem like home. However, Nii-chan was my only family, so just being around him under one roof should have made it feel like home, but it didn't.

There were several times that I contemplated just staying in the condo alone. It seemed that I would feel more at home there than at Nii-chan's place. A few times, I actually tried to go back there, after school or after work. But, as I went down that route and got closer, my whole body would shake and tears would blind my vision. I never ended up going back. If I can't step foot there, is it truly home?

Maybe I would never know a home ever again… It wasn't that they weren't trying to give me a peaceful family life. I was really thankful to them and made sure to remind them that constantly. It really bothered me to see them go through all the trouble for me. It was just that no matter what they did, it wasn't the same as when I was living in the condo.

The other thing that made the first few nights there hard was that Nii-chan kept asking me if I knew anything else as to why Usagi-san left. I kept feigning ignorance and insisted that I didn't know why he left. The note was kept in a safe place with the rest of my stuff. Besides, even if he found the note I don't think he'd understand much of it. There were parts of it that I didn't even understand.

To Nii-chan, Nee-san, and anyone else watching, I was living a normal life. I woke up, had breakfast with the family, went to school, some days I went to work afterwards, came home and had dinner with the family, and then did some school work before bed. On the inside, I felt like I was breaking down. On my walks to and from school and work, all I could think about was Usagi-san. After dinner when I was supposed to be studying, I'd sit in the guest bedroom and softly weep over him.

I didn't understand why neither of us could just have been honest with each other. I could have told him my true feelings and he could have told me what was bothering him. We could have sat down and communicated our feelings and worked things out. However, we were both just too stubborn to say something.

A few times I had pulled out the note he left me and read over it. I tried so hard to understand some of the things he was saying. What was he trying to hide from me? Could it really be so bad that he'd go to such lengths to keep it from me? What did he mean when he said he would grin and bear it rather than see his relationships fall apart?

He was seriously wrong… He never forced me into being lovers and he never forced me sexually. It wasn't like he had me chained to him. I was staying with him on my own free will. In fact, I loved being with him. He never once hurt me. And I most certainly do have the same feelings for him as he does for me. I don't want to find a girlfriend: I want Usagi-san.

This pattern went on for a month, and I never got happier. If it was possible, I became even more depressed. Now that it was all over, I was seeing just how happy he made me, how much I adored him, and how I truly wanted to spend all of my life with him.

The night it happened, I was sitting in the guest bedroom with tears streaming down my face. Nii-chan and Nee-san were still downstairs having dinner. For some reason, my mind was spinning and I couldn't eat very much. I excused myself and went upstairs to cry. I held the note in my hands, looking over it again. For some reason, I was feeling lonelier than I had ever been. My knees were pulled up to my chest and I hugged them, trying to get that close feeling of hugging Usagi-san again. My heart ached and I was so tired of being alone.

I kept looking for hidden clues in his letter as to where he might be staying, but I couldn't find anything. It's not like I was ever good at figuring things like that out anyways. I just had to try. If I could just see him and talk to him, we could work things out. I was tired of being away from him. Frustrated, my grip on my legs tightened. I swore my nails went right through my jeans and into my skin.

Then, something in the letter caught my eye. Towards the end he said that he was going to keep leaving me money every week in an unmarked envelope. How? He couldn't mail it if it wasn't marked. That meant… Oh my god!

I jumped up and threw on a jacket. How could I have been so stupid for that past month? I sat here in my own misery when I could have done something about it the whole time! If he couldn't mail the money, he had to be dropping it off in person. The mailbox! He had to be stopping by and leaving the money in the mailbox! I could go and ambush him at the mailbox! Why didn't I think of this in the very beginning?!

My heart was pounding as I raced downstairs and into the kitchen. "I'm going for a walk!" I announced to Nii-chan and Nee-san, who stared at me with puzzled looks on their faces.

"Uh, okay, Misaki," Nii-chan stuttered. "Be back soon though, okay? It's already getting late."

I nodded and rushed to the door to put on my shoes. They had looked a tad bit worried that I was leaving the house, but I didn't think too much about it. All I could think about was finally seeing Usagi-san again! He had to be there! After dinner would be the perfect time of day for him to go there and it was exactly five weeks since he left. Surely he'd be there dropping off this week's money.

The air was cold, but I hardly felt it as I hurried down the streets. For the first time in a month, I felt hopeful for something. It was the first time I felt an emotion other than depression. However, I did feel a little anxious. I had tried to go back to the penthouse before, but I always broke down before I got too close. Not this time! Tonight, I was going to go right inside and stand by the mailboxes and wait for him.

When I started getting closer, about the spot where I usually panicked before, I inhaled deeply and pushed through the heartache I was feeling. I just kept reminding myself that things were going to be okay and that I was going to fix everything tonight. In just a few hours, maybe less, I'd be in Usagi-san's arms where I belong.

When I finally reached the complex, my stomach began to heave. I gulped and forced myself to get in the elevator. All the way up to the top, my whole body was shaking. If he is there or when he does come, what do I say? I've never been good with words or conversation… What if he doesn't want me anymore? No, that can't be. If that was true, he wouldn't keep paying for this place and sending me money every week. He even told me he loved me in his letter! There was something else going on and I was going to find out: tonight.

The elevator beeped and the doors opened on the top floor. I took another deep breath as I walked out, trying to calm my nerves. Usagi-san wasn't standing there by the mailbox, but I figured he be coming soon. Out of curiosity, I entered the passcode to unlock the door and poked my head in. The lights were off and everything looked just as it did when I left it. So he hadn't come back here.

Again out of curiosity, I closed the door and went to the mailbox. I fumbled with the keys that were in my pocket until I found the one that went to the box. When I opened it, my heart soared. There were unmarked envelopes in here! So he really was leaving me money each week. He was definitely going to come and leave one for the fourth week in a row! But wouldn't he have seen that the first two were still there when he delivered the third one? Why would he still leave money if he saw that I wasn't taking it?

I couldn't help myself from taking the envelopes out to root through them. I just thought that maybe all of them or just one of them had a note. I went through all four of them and only found money in them. Wait… four of them.

My heart collapsed and my body felt week. The fourth one was already in here. He already came today. I missed him… It felt like my whole world was crashing down around me. I would have to wait another whole week before I could ambush him again. I couldn't wait that long!

Rather than getting upset and depressed, I got angry. The anger was mostly directed at myself. I was pissed that I didn't come back here earlier. Instead, I hid in Nii-chan's house like a coward. I should have got to the bottom of this whole mess a long time ago. But no… instead I ignored everything, thinking it would all just work out fine. Well I was wrong…

The constant heartache that had been rising up inside of me boiled into anger. As tears welled up in my eyes again, I shoved my way inside and turned on the lights, not even bothering to take my shoes off. I wanted to get my hands on something – anything – and smash it to pieces. If my heart, no – my whole life – was going to break like this, then something else had to break too.

Starting in the kitchen, I opened all the cupboards and started yanking out cups, plates, bowls, anything breakable, and slamming them onto the floor. The shattering sounds rang through my ears. The adrenaline swirling in my body pushed me further and I ran to the downstairs bathroom, carrying the only unbroken glass from the kitchen.

I stared at myself in the mirror. All I could think about was how ordinary I looked. What would someone like Usagi-san want with an ordinary boy like me? Hell, I was 10 years younger than him! Why would he want me? He obviously didn't since he just left me like that! I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve anybody!

Pissed, I held up the glass and screamed, "Fuck you!" before hurling it into the mirror with all of my strength.

The sound of the glass and the mirror smashing to pieces must have damaged my eardrums. I couldn't hear a thing as glass rained down all around me, sparkling like fresh snow falling. It reminded me of that first night when Usagi-san kissed me for the first time, right after Nii-chan announced he was getting married. He kissed me softly and then we held each other and cried as snow fell all around us. It was then that I realized that all the weird things I felt for him were romantic feelings. I decided right then that I wanted to stay by his side.

As the glass crashed around me, I felt a sting in my cheek. I reached up and felt a liquid substance on my fingers: it was blood. A piece of glass must have cut my cheek. I inched forward, glad that I kept my shoes on, and faintly heard glass crunch beneath my feet. I moved to a remaining part of the mirror and examined my wound. Through the spider web cracked piece, I could see that it wasn't anything serious. I reached up and wiped off more blood with the back of my hand. It stung even more, but I didn't care. It wasn't anything like the pain I was feeling inside.

My hearing started coming back more, but my ears kept ringing. I covered them with the palms of my hands and walked out of the bathroom, stepping on more glass as I left. When I saw the disaster of the kitchen, I sighed and felt like crying again. What the hell was I doing? This was certainly not a healthy way to deal with my emotions. That wasn't even my stuff! It all still belonged to Usagi-san.

I forced myself to walk to the couch before I broke down. It felt like my chest was collapsing as I laid down and pressed my face into Suzuki-san as I wept. I couldn't bring him with me when I left a month ago. He belonged here the condo with Usagi-san, not at Nii-chan's place with me.

Suzuki-san… He still smells so much like Usagi-san. The scent crept inside of me and made me feel light and calm again. I stopped sniffling and started to breathe evenly again. Was it because I was holding the bear that I suddenly felt a little better or was it because of the scent? One thing was for sure, I certainly felt like I was at home again.

Oh… I get it. I finally understand now. Usagi-san was what made that penthouse feel like home. Without him, I don't know what home feels like; I don't understand what having a real, loving family is like; I don't know what love is supposed to be feel like. Without him, what do I really have?

However, that feeling didn't last long since I knew deep down that he was gone. If I was lucky, I'd be able to catch him a week from today, but I had doubts. Nothing had gone right so far, so why would things work out next week?

I sighed and got off the couch, feeling empty inside. It was time for a long walk. Maybe I'd run into him on my walk? Yeah, right…

I left the penthouse, leaving the lights on and the kitchen and bathroom a complete mess. I'd deal with it later, sometime when I didn't feel like dying. I left the complex feeling at the lowest I'd ever been. As I walked, I kept thinking that I wouldn't even care if a car hit me. I knew I shouldn't think that way, but I truly felt like my life was over anyways.

As I walked across an old bridge, I felt it creaking beneath me. Would it really be alright if it collapsed? I'd just float down the river and eventually drown. Would that really be alright? My thoughts got to me and I felt more sobs building up in my throat. I stopped and leaned over the side the bridge, staring at my reflection in the rippled water. If this railing snapped, which it might, would I fall and drown?

All I could think about was Usagi-san… the way he talked, the way he laughed, the way he looked at me, the way he touched me, the way he ruffled my hair, how jealous and possessive he got sometimes, how much he loved me. I swear… I could almost hear him say my name.

"MISAKI!"

That voice… that panicked voice just now… it sounded just like Usagi-san…